Waiting on Engagement

[Joy9865]

I’m not sure if this is the right thread to post in, but I really need some advice about my current relationship from a Christian perspective. I have Christians in my life but feel they’re just a bit too close to home and I can’t fully open up about this with them. To get to the point, my boyfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years now. I’ve been sure I want to marry him from around the year mark. I’ve been a Christian as long as I can remember and I honestly never expected to be dating someone this long as I view dating as a kind of limbo that you use to decide whether you want to marry someone or not. This has come through in the relationship and my boyfriend knows this. Two years into our relationship (summer 2021) I spoke to him seriously about my desire to marry him and I said that around Christmas 2021-summer 2022 would be my ideal time. Since the first two years were affected by long distance and Covid, I felt that it was sensible to be living in the same city for at least six months which we have been now (London). During this talk he made it clear that he also wants to marry me(which he’s made clear on a number of occasions previously) Recently I just had to speak to him again as I’ve been feeling really sad and disappointed that we’re not engaged as well as frustrated - I know he wants to marry me so I don’t get what he’s waiting for. He’s mentioned not feeling ready and being young (he’s 22 and I’m 23) but I feel like these are quite worldly values/priorities stemming from the fact that he is a young Christian. I also feel like the delay could be due to his fear of how his non-christian family will react. I am aware that I have had struggles myself with not idolising marriage but I can honestly say that I know marriage is not going to fulfil me, I just feel like I’m dishonouring God but being in a relationship where I essentially feel like someone’s wife and love him in that way (not physically but emotionally) when there is not covenant between us. In desperate need of advice - should I just wait and see what happens? Should I allow someone to make a decision when I’m not sure how led by God their decision is? Am I just being ridiculous or is tow and a half years too long for a Christian to date? How can I relax and just be happy without wanting to be engaged the whole time?

 

[JesseBassett]

@Joy9865 ,
First of all, welcome to CF. Secondly, in my honest opinion, I would be leaning on the everlasting arms of the LORD on this. He knows when your meant to be engaged, and to whom. I would find solace and peace knowing Christ is in control of your life. It is quite normal for us men to say "We're not ready for marriage" yet. Do not be discouraged by that! Know that someday, if it is meant to happen, it will happen. God bless you and Merry Christmas!

 

[Tolworth John]

How can I relax and just be happy without wanting to be engaged the whole time?

22/23 is still very yong, you have time to marry etc.

How do you relax and not worry about not being engaged/married etc?

By concentrating onyour involvement with him in Christian service.
By encouraging him in his Christian service, developement and in encourageing him in his career.

Are you preparing yourself for the role of 'helpmate' ?
How are you preparing to bring up children to know God?

 

[Mark Quayle]

Funny —I find myself wanting to ask all these questions about you and about him, compatability, troubles on the horizon, things neither of you thought of, and so on. But I'm not your Daddy. And I can only give general advice. Read what Paul says about even 'engaged' couples. And remember what everyone knows but everyone forgets: EVERYTHING changes when you get married. No matter how you try to think ahead or avoid it later, you have expectations he doesn't know about, and he has expectations you don't know about. Assumptions that never occurred to either one to express.

One of the most common problems, (of course, expressed from the POV of a chauvinist like me) is: "He marries her, expecting her to not to change; she marries him expecting him to change. She does; he doesn't."

 

[Northwest.]

I understand your point of view, I think you should give it time and see where it goes. I suggest speaking to him about future plans for marriage. You don't want to waste your time or his if this is not really what he wants long-term. personally, I feel like if someone loves you and wants to be with you it doesn't take five years for someone to make up their mind if someone wants to marry you or not. Age shouldn't be a factor but everyone has their personal opinion on when they want to settle down.