The Church Custodian Is A Predator

[Sara50840]

I a 22 year-old female and an employee of the church for 3 years now. The custodian in question, let’s call him Tom, is a 50-something-year-old male. He is a newer Christian and has only been the custodian for about a year, and a member of the church for not too much longer than that.

Ever since October the church custodian has been hitting on me. Earlier on the events were minor, things that made me uncomfortable but I dismissed. Tom would manipulate me into letting them happen.

For example, one time I was eating at a barbecue place with some church members after we set up for the Fall Festival. Tom insisted on paying for my food. I told him I didn’t want him to, and he skipped ahead in line to the register to pay for my food anyway. Then he said that a woman should never have to pay for her food. He made me feel bad for not wanting his help. So this is how he works.

Over the course of a few months, paying for my food became other things, like leaving me notes and gifts at the church. I denied the bad feeling for a long time (in hindsight there were a lot of red flags, I know, but because of the age gap I hoped he knew better and that it wasn’t what it felt like), but unfortunately, as time passed, he only proved my suspicions.

I tried to keep this as quiet as possible because I didn’t want people to gossip or to slander his reputation in any way. So first, I tried to resolve this privately between the two of us. I pulled him aside and asked him to stop with the gifts and that it’s making me uncomfortable. He denied that he was hitting on me of course, saying that it was just a Christmas gift. But then after that, things just got worse. He started leaving more gifts and apologies and somehow got my Facebook and phone number and left me messages. I respond to him and tell him to leave me alone, saying I’m not interested. Then we awkwardly avoid each other for about a month, and I think he finally backed off.

Then messages start coming again. He finds ways and reasons to talk to me, whether it’s to hand me a church bulletin or to text me about a church member’s birthday that’s coming up. Then he asks me out to lunch. I decline.

I finally tell the pastor. He takes my side and meets with Tom to tell him to back off. All is well. Apparently. He stays away for awhile. Then he takes advantage of my dying grandmother on hospice to get one of her friends to bring him TO MY HOME so he can visit my grandmother on her death bed. Fortunately I am not home. On the day of her death, he texts me his condolences and follows me on Instagram. I notice he’s also following my sister (a personal trainer who sometimes posts videos of me) and her boyfriend’s business pages.

I tell the pastor again. He tells the deacons. They apparently have another meeting with him to tell him to back off.

A few days later I get a call from one of the deacons trying to get me to meet with Tom so he can apologize, with the deacon as a mediator. I refuse because I don’t want to be near Tom. The deacon tries to talk to me about forgiveness and it’s all been a misunderstanding. I try to explain to him that it’s way more than a misunderstanding. He’s clearly disappointed. My dad gets Tom’s number from me and threatens him with a restraining order if he doesn’t back off. The deacon calls my dad and my dad is very angry. The deacon finally understands. Supposedly.

At church, everyone is so chummy with Tom. Even the deacon. They act like everything is fine. Everybody lovesssss Tom. Everyone sees him as this wonderful, kind, considerate person. Not the predator that he is.

I block Tom on everything.

More time passes. Every month my church goes on day trips to do mission work. There’s a sign up sheet. His name isn’t on it, yet he shows up. I’m stuck in the church bus with him, and he talks to me. I engage in small talk with him to try and be civil. I start to think we’re finally moving forward.

Now he finds opportunities. He makes sure HE’S the one to pass out the Mother’s Day church gift to my mother, even if it means he cuts off the person who is headed over to her. He follows my sister on Instagram again. He talks to me in front of other people so I respond to avoid appearing rude. Then tonight he followed me on TikTok and liked and favorited my latest video. I had already blocked him on everything that was linked to my TikTok so he clearly either has another account where he can still access those links, or he saved the links from before.

Other things he has done:
• He asked for a hug once. I declined.
• He followed me on two different accounts which have different names. The names are different enough to where he’s clearly trying to have different aliases but they’re close enough to where they’re obviously still him.
• He’s also told people about videos I’ve posted on accounts I have not shared to the general public (there was an experimental film review YouTube account I set up that I didn’t link to any of my personal accounts because I wanted it to take off before I told anyone it existed. It never took off so I abandoned it).
• He was also caught snooping in the church office so we had to start locking it. He knows information about people that he shouldn’t. He looked up information on my grandmother (like when she was baptized) and made a point to announce to everyone that my birthday is coming up.

I’m so tired of dealing with him. He’s repeatedly been asked to stop and clearly he never will. I’ve come to the point where if I see him at a church event I’m gonna get back in my car and leave, no matter how big of a scene it creates. I’m planning to tell the pastor again tomorrow that I’m tired of it, and if he sees me making a scene about it, that’s why. If Tom does anything else, ANYTHING, I have a fully detailed list of everything he’s done, to the date, that I will make public so everyone knows. And hopefully I have enough on him to where I can take out a restraining order on him. Although lately he’s been more subtle, so I don’t know if it’s enough to convince a judge he hasn’t backed off.

What are your thoughts? I’ve tried to keep this private, but I’m so done. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder every time I’m at church. Is it wrong to tell everyone? That’s not something I want to do because people still gossip and I’ve seen scandals tear families and churches apart. But I’m running out of options. He’s fooling everyone and I feel like no one is doing enough to make it stop.

 

[SabbathBlessings]

I a 22 year-old female and an employee of the church for 3 years now. The custodian in question, let’s call him Tom, is a 50-something-year-old male. He is a newer Christian and has only been the custodian for about a year, and a member of the church for not too much longer than that.

Ever since October the church custodian has been hitting on me. Earlier on the events were minor, things that made me uncomfortable but I dismissed. Tom would manipulate me into letting them happen.

For example, one time I was eating at a barbecue place with some church members after we set up for the Fall Festival. Tom insisted on paying for my food. I told him I didn’t want him to, and he skipped ahead in line to the register to pay for my food anyway. Then he said that a woman should never have to pay for her food. He made me feel bad for not wanting his help. So this is how he works.

Over the course of a few months, paying for my food became other things, like leaving me notes and gifts at the church. I denied the bad feeling for a long time (in hindsight there were a lot of red flags, I know, but because of the age gap I hoped he knew better and that it wasn’t what it felt like), but unfortunately, as time passed, he only proved my suspicions.

I tried to keep this as quiet as possible because I didn’t want people to gossip or to slander his reputation in any way. So first, I tried to resolve this privately between the two of us. I pulled him aside and asked him to stop with the gifts and that it’s making me uncomfortable. He denied that he was hitting on me of course, saying that it was just a Christmas gift. But then after that, things just got worse. He started leaving more gifts and apologies and somehow got my Facebook and phone number and left me messages. I respond to him and tell him to leave me alone, saying I’m not interested. Then we awkwardly avoid each other for about a month, and I think he finally backed off.

Then messages start coming again. He finds ways and reasons to talk to me, whether it’s to hand me a church bulletin or to text me about a church member’s birthday that’s coming up. Then he asks me out to lunch. I decline.

I finally tell the pastor. He takes my side and meets with Tom to tell him to back off. All is well. Apparently. He stays away for awhile. Then he takes advantage of my dying grandmother on hospice to get one of her friends to bring him TO MY HOME so he can visit my grandmother on her death bed. Fortunately I am not home. On the day of her death, he texts me his condolences and follows me on Instagram. I notice he’s also following my sister (a personal trainer who sometimes posts videos of me) and her boyfriend’s business pages.

I tell the pastor again. He tells the deacons. They apparently have another meeting with him to tell him to back off.

A few days later I get a call from one of the deacons trying to get me to meet with Tom so he can apologize, with the deacon as a mediator. I refuse because I don’t want to be near Tom. The deacon tries to talk to me about forgiveness and it’s all been a misunderstanding. I try to explain to him that it’s way more than a misunderstanding. He’s clearly disappointed. My dad gets Tom’s number from me and threatens him with a restraining order if he doesn’t back off. The deacon calls my dad and my dad is very angry. The deacon finally understands. Supposedly.

At church, everyone is so chummy with Tom. Even the deacon. They act like everything is fine. Everybody lovesssss Tom. Everyone sees him as this wonderful, kind, considerate person. Not the predator that he is.

I block Tom on everything.

More time passes. Every month my church goes on day trips to do mission work. There’s a sign up sheet. His name isn’t on it, yet he shows up. I’m stuck in the church bus with him, and he talks to me. I engage in small talk with him to try and be civil. I start to think we’re finally moving forward.

Now he finds opportunities. He makes sure HE’S the one to pass out the Mother’s Day church gift to my mother, even if it means he cuts off the person who is headed over to her. He follows my sister on Instagram again. He talks to me in front of other people so I respond to avoid appearing rude. Then tonight he followed me on TikTok and liked and favorited my latest video. I had already blocked him on everything that was linked to my TikTok so he clearly either has another account where he can still access those links, or he saved the links from before.

Other things he has done:
• He asked for a hug once. I declined.
• He followed me on two different accounts which have different names. The names are different enough to where he’s clearly trying to have different aliases but they’re close enough to where they’re obviously still him.
• He’s also told people about videos I’ve posted on accounts I have not shared to the general public (there was an experimental film review YouTube account I set up that I didn’t link to any of my personal accounts because I wanted it to take off before I told anyone it existed. It never took off so I abandoned it).
• He was also caught snooping in the church office so we had to start locking it. He knows information about people that he shouldn’t. He looked up information on my grandmother (like when she was baptized) and made a point to announce to everyone that my birthday is coming up.

I’m so tired of dealing with him. He’s repeatedly been asked to stop and clearly he never will. I’ve come to the point where if I see him at a church event I’m gonna get back in my car and leave, no matter how big of a scene it creates. I’m planning to tell the pastor again tomorrow that I’m tired of it, and if he sees me making a scene about it, that’s why. If Tom does anything else, ANYTHING, I have a fully detailed list of everything he’s done, to the date, that I will make public so everyone knows. And hopefully I have enough on him to where I can take out a restraining order on him. Although lately he’s been more subtle, so I don’t know if it’s enough to convince a judge he hasn’t backed off.

What are your thoughts? I’ve tried to keep this private, but I’m so done. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder every time I’m at church. Is it wrong to tell everyone? That’s not something I want to do because people still gossip and I’ve seen scandals tear families and churches apart. But I’m running out of options. He’s fooling everyone and I feel like no one is doing enough to make it stop.

I am sorry you are dealing with this and I have to commend you for your wisdom on how you have handled this situation at such a young age. Since your church is your employer they have the moral and legal obligation to ensure you are in a safe working environment and not being harassed. They need to tell the custodian to not go near you ever and if you have signed up at an event, he is not allowed to attend. Since they are not doing that, my advice is to change churches and don’t let anyone at your old church know where you are going. I would consider filing a police report so it’s on record. Pray to God that He will lead you to a church where you can focus on worshipping Him and fellowship without being harassed. I wish you nothing but the best and will keep you in my prayers. God bless.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I a 22 year-old female and an employee of the church for 3 years now. The custodian in question, let’s call him Tom, is a 50-something-year-old male. He is a newer Christian and has only been the custodian for about a year, and a member of the church for not too much longer than that.

Ever since October the church custodian has been hitting on me. Earlier on the events were minor, things that made me uncomfortable but I dismissed. Tom would manipulate me into letting them happen.

For example, one time I was eating at a barbecue place with some church members after we set up for the Fall Festival. Tom insisted on paying for my food. I told him I didn’t want him to, and he skipped ahead in line to the register to pay for my food anyway. Then he said that a woman should never have to pay for her food. He made me feel bad for not wanting his help. So this is how he works.

Over the course of a few months, paying for my food became other things, like leaving me notes and gifts at the church. I denied the bad feeling for a long time (in hindsight there were a lot of red flags, I know, but because of the age gap I hoped he knew better and that it wasn’t what it felt like), but unfortunately, as time passed, he only proved my suspicions.

I tried to keep this as quiet as possible because I didn’t want people to gossip or to slander his reputation in any way. So first, I tried to resolve this privately between the two of us. I pulled him aside and asked him to stop with the gifts and that it’s making me uncomfortable. He denied that he was hitting on me of course, saying that it was just a Christmas gift. But then after that, things just got worse. He started leaving more gifts and apologies and somehow got my Facebook and phone number and left me messages. I respond to him and tell him to leave me alone, saying I’m not interested. Then we awkwardly avoid each other for about a month, and I think he finally backed off.

Then messages start coming again. He finds ways and reasons to talk to me, whether it’s to hand me a church bulletin or to text me about a church member’s birthday that’s coming up. Then he asks me out to lunch. I decline.

I finally tell the pastor. He takes my side and meets with Tom to tell him to back off. All is well. Apparently. He stays away for awhile. Then he takes advantage of my dying grandmother on hospice to get one of her friends to bring him TO MY HOME so he can visit my grandmother on her death bed. Fortunately I am not home. On the day of her death, he texts me his condolences and follows me on Instagram. I notice he’s also following my sister (a personal trainer who sometimes posts videos of me) and her boyfriend’s business pages.

I tell the pastor again. He tells the deacons. They apparently have another meeting with him to tell him to back off.

A few days later I get a call from one of the deacons trying to get me to meet with Tom so he can apologize, with the deacon as a mediator. I refuse because I don’t want to be near Tom. The deacon tries to talk to me about forgiveness and it’s all been a misunderstanding. I try to explain to him that it’s way more than a misunderstanding. He’s clearly disappointed. My dad gets Tom’s number from me and threatens him with a restraining order if he doesn’t back off. The deacon calls my dad and my dad is very angry. The deacon finally understands. Supposedly.

At church, everyone is so chummy with Tom. Even the deacon. They act like everything is fine. Everybody lovesssss Tom. Everyone sees him as this wonderful, kind, considerate person. Not the predator that he is.

I block Tom on everything.

More time passes. Every month my church goes on day trips to do mission work. There’s a sign up sheet. His name isn’t on it, yet he shows up. I’m stuck in the church bus with him, and he talks to me. I engage in small talk with him to try and be civil. I start to think we’re finally moving forward.

Now he finds opportunities. He makes sure HE’S the one to pass out the Mother’s Day church gift to my mother, even if it means he cuts off the person who is headed over to her. He follows my sister on Instagram again. He talks to me in front of other people so I respond to avoid appearing rude. Then tonight he followed me on TikTok and liked and favorited my latest video. I had already blocked him on everything that was linked to my TikTok so he clearly either has another account where he can still access those links, or he saved the links from before.

Other things he has done:
• He asked for a hug once. I declined.
• He followed me on two different accounts which have different names. The names are different enough to where he’s clearly trying to have different aliases but they’re close enough to where they’re obviously still him.
• He’s also told people about videos I’ve posted on accounts I have not shared to the general public (there was an experimental film review YouTube account I set up that I didn’t link to any of my personal accounts because I wanted it to take off before I told anyone it existed. It never took off so I abandoned it).
• He was also caught snooping in the church office so we had to start locking it. He knows information about people that he shouldn’t. He looked up information on my grandmother (like when she was baptized) and made a point to announce to everyone that my birthday is coming up.

I’m so tired of dealing with him. He’s repeatedly been asked to stop and clearly he never will. I’ve come to the point where if I see him at a church event I’m gonna get back in my car and leave, no matter how big of a scene it creates. I’m planning to tell the pastor again tomorrow that I’m tired of it, and if he sees me making a scene about it, that’s why. If Tom does anything else, ANYTHING, I have a fully detailed list of everything he’s done, to the date, that I will make public so everyone knows. And hopefully I have enough on him to where I can take out a restraining order on him. Although lately he’s been more subtle, so I don’t know if it’s enough to convince a judge he hasn’t backed off.

What are your thoughts? I’ve tried to keep this private, but I’m so done. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder every time I’m at church. Is it wrong to tell everyone? That’s not something I want to do because people still gossip and I’ve seen scandals tear families and churches apart. But I’m running out of options. He’s fooling everyone and I feel like no one is doing enough to make it stop.

The fact that the Elders have not fired him for harrassment is a sign that they are not willing to do the right thing. If this is as serious as you say, file a restraining order, hand it to the Pastor and tell him, " it's either me or him". We hope they choose you. Be blessed.

 

[TheLastGeek]

I a 22 year-old female and an employee of the church for 3 years now. The custodian in question, let’s call him Tom, is a 50-something-year-old male. He is a newer Christian and has only been the custodian for about a year, and a member of the church for not too much longer than that.

Ever since October the church custodian has been hitting on me. Earlier on the events were minor, things that made me uncomfortable but I dismissed. Tom would manipulate me into letting them happen.

For example, one time I was eating at a barbecue place with some church members after we set up for the Fall Festival. Tom insisted on paying for my food. I told him I didn’t want him to, and he skipped ahead in line to the register to pay for my food anyway. Then he said that a woman should never have to pay for her food. He made me feel bad for not wanting his help. So this is how he works.

Over the course of a few months, paying for my food became other things, like leaving me notes and gifts at the church. I denied the bad feeling for a long time (in hindsight there were a lot of red flags, I know, but because of the age gap I hoped he knew better and that it wasn’t what it felt like), but unfortunately, as time passed, he only proved my suspicions.

I tried to keep this as quiet as possible because I didn’t want people to gossip or to slander his reputation in any way. So first, I tried to resolve this privately between the two of us. I pulled him aside and asked him to stop with the gifts and that it’s making me uncomfortable. He denied that he was hitting on me of course, saying that it was just a Christmas gift. But then after that, things just got worse. He started leaving more gifts and apologies and somehow got my Facebook and phone number and left me messages. I respond to him and tell him to leave me alone, saying I’m not interested. Then we awkwardly avoid each other for about a month, and I think he finally backed off.

Then messages start coming again. He finds ways and reasons to talk to me, whether it’s to hand me a church bulletin or to text me about a church member’s birthday that’s coming up. Then he asks me out to lunch. I decline.

I finally tell the pastor. He takes my side and meets with Tom to tell him to back off. All is well. Apparently. He stays away for awhile. Then he takes advantage of my dying grandmother on hospice to get one of her friends to bring him TO MY HOME so he can visit my grandmother on her death bed. Fortunately I am not home. On the day of her death, he texts me his condolences and follows me on Instagram. I notice he’s also following my sister (a personal trainer who sometimes posts videos of me) and her boyfriend’s business pages.

I tell the pastor again. He tells the deacons. They apparently have another meeting with him to tell him to back off.

A few days later I get a call from one of the deacons trying to get me to meet with Tom so he can apologize, with the deacon as a mediator. I refuse because I don’t want to be near Tom. The deacon tries to talk to me about forgiveness and it’s all been a misunderstanding. I try to explain to him that it’s way more than a misunderstanding. He’s clearly disappointed. My dad gets Tom’s number from me and threatens him with a restraining order if he doesn’t back off. The deacon calls my dad and my dad is very angry. The deacon finally understands. Supposedly.

At church, everyone is so chummy with Tom. Even the deacon. They act like everything is fine. Everybody lovesssss Tom. Everyone sees him as this wonderful, kind, considerate person. Not the predator that he is.

I block Tom on everything.

More time passes. Every month my church goes on day trips to do mission work. There’s a sign up sheet. His name isn’t on it, yet he shows up. I’m stuck in the church bus with him, and he talks to me. I engage in small talk with him to try and be civil. I start to think we’re finally moving forward.

Now he finds opportunities. He makes sure HE’S the one to pass out the Mother’s Day church gift to my mother, even if it means he cuts off the person who is headed over to her. He follows my sister on Instagram again. He talks to me in front of other people so I respond to avoid appearing rude. Then tonight he followed me on TikTok and liked and favorited my latest video. I had already blocked him on everything that was linked to my TikTok so he clearly either has another account where he can still access those links, or he saved the links from before.

Other things he has done:
• He asked for a hug once. I declined.
• He followed me on two different accounts which have different names. The names are different enough to where he’s clearly trying to have different aliases but they’re close enough to where they’re obviously still him.
• He’s also told people about videos I’ve posted on accounts I have not shared to the general public (there was an experimental film review YouTube account I set up that I didn’t link to any of my personal accounts because I wanted it to take off before I told anyone it existed. It never took off so I abandoned it).
• He was also caught snooping in the church office so we had to start locking it. He knows information about people that he shouldn’t. He looked up information on my grandmother (like when she was baptized) and made a point to announce to everyone that my birthday is coming up.

I’m so tired of dealing with him. He’s repeatedly been asked to stop and clearly he never will. I’ve come to the point where if I see him at a church event I’m gonna get back in my car and leave, no matter how big of a scene it creates. I’m planning to tell the pastor again tomorrow that I’m tired of it, and if he sees me making a scene about it, that’s why. If Tom does anything else, ANYTHING, I have a fully detailed list of everything he’s done, to the date, that I will make public so everyone knows. And hopefully I have enough on him to where I can take out a restraining order on him. Although lately he’s been more subtle, so I don’t know if it’s enough to convince a judge he hasn’t backed off.

What are your thoughts? I’ve tried to keep this private, but I’m so done. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder every time I’m at church. Is it wrong to tell everyone? That’s not something I want to do because people still gossip and I’ve seen scandals tear families and churches apart. But I’m running out of options. He’s fooling everyone and I feel like no one is doing enough to make it stop.

Wow.

This is so incredibly uncomfortable to read, which means it's got to be a hundred times worse for you to be living it. I'm deeply disappointed that the male leadership at your church has not stepped up to protect an innocent young woman like yourself. A church should be the safest place in the world.

I think you're doing the right thing to refuse to be around this man. I would also suggest that you immediately cut all contact with him, both at church, outside of church, and on social media/phone/email. Do not speak to him, at all, ever, not even a hello. He's proven himself to be unstable and unable to respect boundaries, and he will not change. If he's in his 50's, this is who he is, and he needs consequences, accountability, and hopefully, some professional help to deal with his behaviors.

I would also consider tendering my resignation from my job at the church.

 

[turkle]

You have done an excellent job in setting boundaries - well done! Keeping a record is also perfect.

The church is responsible for this. You are not only a member, but an employee, and the pastor should have released him a long time ago. The fact that Tom continues to harass you despite being told to refrain makes me think that he is on his way to stalking. The church should fire him, and you also need to file a restraining order, because clearly he is not respecting anyone. I would absolutely tell the pastor that he needs to take action. Sadly, you will need to be cautious at all times, because Tom very well might be dangerous.

While I would not broadcast what has happened, I would tell some people close to me. They need to keep their eye on you and possibly intervene when he approaches. Don't worry about gossip. He might also be harassing another young woman who doesn't have your courage. No need to protect him considering his behavior. The priority is to do what you must to put an end to it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and praying for resolution and safety.

 

[Sara50840]

The fact that the Elders have not fired him for harrassment is a sign that they are not willing to do the right thing. If this is as serious as you say, file a restraining order, hand it to the Pastor and tell him, " it's either me or him". We hope they choose you. Be blessed.

My dad thinks that I don’t have enough proof for a restraining order because he has not done anything physically and that following me on social media isn’t a crime. And any interactions could be considered unavoidable because he’s a member/employee. And a lot could be considered hearsay.

 

[Sara50840]

Wow.

This is so incredibly uncomfortable to read, which means it's got to be a hundred times worse for you to be living it. I'm deeply disappointed that the male leadership at your church has not stepped up to protect an innocent young woman like yourself. A church should be the safest place in the world.

I think you're doing the right thing to refuse to be around this man. I would also suggest that you immediately cut all contact with him, both at church, outside of church, and on social media/phone/email. Do not speak to him, at all, ever, not even a hello. He's proven himself to be unstable and unable to respect boundaries, and he will not change. If he's in his 50's, this is who he is, and he needs consequences, accountability, and hopefully, some professional help to deal with his behaviors.

I would also consider tendering my resignation from my job at the church.

Yeah at this point I guess I’ll just have to leave church events if I see him or ignore him in front of everyone, both of which would be extremely awkward for everyone there and prevent me from going to events that I want to go to. But that’s not how I want to live my life. I enjoy fellowship and this would cut me off from the Christian fellowship that I crave.

It’s hard because this is the church I grew up in and I care about the people here. My family is here. Plus if I were to leave then there would be no one else to do my job because no one else knows how. I haven’t taken a week off since I’ve started this job because no one is able to cover my absence. Although leaving the church is something I have still considered.

 

[Sara50840]

You have done an excellent job in setting boundaries - well done! Keeping a record is also perfect.

The church is responsible for this. You are not only a member, but an employee, and the pastor should have released him a long time ago. The fact that Tom continues to harass you despite being told to refrain makes me think that he is on his way to stalking. The church should fire him, and you also need to file a restraining order, because clearly he is not respecting anyone. I would absolutely tell the pastor that he needs to take action. Sadly, you will need to be cautious at all times, because Tom very well might be dangerous.

While I would not broadcast what has happened, I would tell some people close to me. They need to keep their eye on you and possibly intervene when he approaches. Don't worry about gossip. He might also be harassing another young woman who doesn't have your courage. No need to protect him considering his behavior. The priority is to do what you must to put an end to it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and praying for resolution and safety.

Yeah the broadcasting idea doesn’t sound like a good idea now that I’ve slept on it. I wrote this post when the idea was still fresh and he had just made another move, so I was very unhappy. But I would still gladly share the link with anyone who asks for it…I’m just not going to advertise the fact that this is happening.

And the gossip I’m worried about at this point is more about what’s directed at me and not him. I’ve spent nearly 23 years keeping a good reputation for myself and if someone decides to spread the rumor that I actually hooked up with Tom, that would be catastrophic.

I have confided in my immediate family. My sister takes my side completely and even thinks I should do more. My parents have my back too, but they also think that creepy people are just a part of life and I have to learn how to deal with it, because there are always going to be more Toms out there. I understand that and through this experience I am confident I can shut something like this down in the early stages, but this situation has progressed so far that I fell like I can’t just learn how to deal with it, but I need help shutting it down. I want this man out of my life. I don’t want to have to avoid him for forever.

 

[TheLastGeek]

My parents have my back too, but they also think that creepy people are just a part of life and I have to learn how to deal with it, because there are always going to be more Toms out there. I understand that and through this experience I am confident I can shut something like this down in the early stages, but this situation has progressed so far that I fell like I can’t just learn how to deal with it, but I need help shutting it down. I want this man out of my life. I don’t want to have to avoid him for forever.

This concerns me. "Dealing" with men who can't respect boundaries to the point that they invade your privacy, show up where they aren't invited, etc, is NOT normal, nor should it ever be. The moment you say, "I'm not interested in you, please stop what you're doing", and a man persists, he's thrown out his ability to respect you, your wishes, and your boundaries. This man is never going to change his behavior voluntarily because there is something fundamentally broken in his thinking. He's shown that he doesn't UNDERSTAND that what he's doing is wrong, inappropriate, and uncomfortable for you. That means he's going to persist in it, and it's likely going to increase and get worse. And frankly, I would be scared for your safety at this point. I know you value your job and your reputation and fellowship at this church, but NONE OF THAT is more important than your safety.

Please, please be careful. Do not expect him to suddenly behave himself. He won't. And since your church leaders won't act, it's up to you to protect yourself here.

 

[ViaCrucis]

You've done an excellent job on your part, at this point it sounds like church leadership is dropping the ball.

Not sure how things work at your church, some churches are such that pastors have limited say and something like this might be down to a lay leadership council, or to a board of elders.

But it's clear that this man is crossing an excessive number of boundaries and is, yes, a predator. Ordinarily ultimatums aren't great things, but they are sometimes necessary--and this seems like a case where one is needed. You have the right to feel safe in the church, and it is the responsibility of those in charge to ensure that. If we can't feel safe in our own church, then where can we feel safe?

-CryptoLutheran

 

[Gentle Lamb]

I a 22 year-old female and an employee of the church for 3 years now. The custodian in question, let’s call him Tom, is a 50-something-year-old male. He is a newer Christian and has only been the custodian for about a year, and a member of the church for not too much longer than that.

Ever since October the church custodian has been hitting on me. Earlier on the events were minor, things that made me uncomfortable but I dismissed. Tom would manipulate me into letting them happen.

For example, one time I was eating at a barbecue place with some church members after we set up for the Fall Festival. Tom insisted on paying for my food. I told him I didn’t want him to, and he skipped ahead in line to the register to pay for my food anyway. Then he said that a woman should never have to pay for her food. He made me feel bad for not wanting his help. So this is how he works.

Over the course of a few months, paying for my food became other things, like leaving me notes and gifts at the church. I denied the bad feeling for a long time (in hindsight there were a lot of red flags, I know, but because of the age gap I hoped he knew better and that it wasn’t what it felt like), but unfortunately, as time passed, he only proved my suspicions.

I tried to keep this as quiet as possible because I didn’t want people to gossip or to slander his reputation in any way. So first, I tried to resolve this privately between the two of us. I pulled him aside and asked him to stop with the gifts and that it’s making me uncomfortable. He denied that he was hitting on me of course, saying that it was just a Christmas gift. But then after that, things just got worse. He started leaving more gifts and apologies and somehow got my Facebook and phone number and left me messages. I respond to him and tell him to leave me alone, saying I’m not interested. Then we awkwardly avoid each other for about a month, and I think he finally backed off.

Then messages start coming again. He finds ways and reasons to talk to me, whether it’s to hand me a church bulletin or to text me about a church member’s birthday that’s coming up. Then he asks me out to lunch. I decline.

I finally tell the pastor. He takes my side and meets with Tom to tell him to back off. All is well. Apparently. He stays away for awhile. Then he takes advantage of my dying grandmother on hospice to get one of her friends to bring him TO MY HOME so he can visit my grandmother on her death bed. Fortunately I am not home. On the day of her death, he texts me his condolences and follows me on Instagram. I notice he’s also following my sister (a personal trainer who sometimes posts videos of me) and her boyfriend’s business pages.

I tell the pastor again. He tells the deacons. They apparently have another meeting with him to tell him to back off.

A few days later I get a call from one of the deacons trying to get me to meet with Tom so he can apologize, with the deacon as a mediator. I refuse because I don’t want to be near Tom. The deacon tries to talk to me about forgiveness and it’s all been a misunderstanding. I try to explain to him that it’s way more than a misunderstanding. He’s clearly disappointed. My dad gets Tom’s number from me and threatens him with a restraining order if he doesn’t back off. The deacon calls my dad and my dad is very angry. The deacon finally understands. Supposedly.

At church, everyone is so chummy with Tom. Even the deacon. They act like everything is fine. Everybody lovesssss Tom. Everyone sees him as this wonderful, kind, considerate person. Not the predator that he is.

I block Tom on everything.

More time passes. Every month my church goes on day trips to do mission work. There’s a sign up sheet. His name isn’t on it, yet he shows up. I’m stuck in the church bus with him, and he talks to me. I engage in small talk with him to try and be civil. I start to think we’re finally moving forward.

Now he finds opportunities. He makes sure HE’S the one to pass out the Mother’s Day church gift to my mother, even if it means he cuts off the person who is headed over to her. He follows my sister on Instagram again. He talks to me in front of other people so I respond to avoid appearing rude. Then tonight he followed me on TikTok and liked and favorited my latest video. I had already blocked him on everything that was linked to my TikTok so he clearly either has another account where he can still access those links, or he saved the links from before.

Other things he has done:
• He asked for a hug once. I declined.
• He followed me on two different accounts which have different names. The names are different enough to where he’s clearly trying to have different aliases but they’re close enough to where they’re obviously still him.
• He’s also told people about videos I’ve posted on accounts I have not shared to the general public (there was an experimental film review YouTube account I set up that I didn’t link to any of my personal accounts because I wanted it to take off before I told anyone it existed. It never took off so I abandoned it).
• He was also caught snooping in the church office so we had to start locking it. He knows information about people that he shouldn’t. He looked up information on my grandmother (like when she was baptized) and made a point to announce to everyone that my birthday is coming up.

I’m so tired of dealing with him. He’s repeatedly been asked to stop and clearly he never will. I’ve come to the point where if I see him at a church event I’m gonna get back in my car and leave, no matter how big of a scene it creates. I’m planning to tell the pastor again tomorrow that I’m tired of it, and if he sees me making a scene about it, that’s why. If Tom does anything else, ANYTHING, I have a fully detailed list of everything he’s done, to the date, that I will make public so everyone knows. And hopefully I have enough on him to where I can take out a restraining order on him. Although lately he’s been more subtle, so I don’t know if it’s enough to convince a judge he hasn’t backed off.

What are your thoughts? I’ve tried to keep this private, but I’m so done. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder every time I’m at church. Is it wrong to tell everyone? That’s not something I want to do because people still gossip and I’ve seen scandals tear families and churches apart. But I’m running out of options. He’s fooling everyone and I feel like no one is doing enough to make it stop.

Sara, I would take this situation with utmost seriousness. In this day and age, people are just crazy, completely out of their minds. Please, if you can afford to do so, take a few days off of work to distance yourself from this situation, pray, seek God's face, and discuss with your family your next course of action. The church has taken no steps to protect you. I believe you have enough information to go to the police and attempt to file a police report. If they will not give you a restraining order, at least they will be alerted to the fact that something very shady is going on. Not to be very extreme, but God only knows if this man has some intentions of going so far as to do you physical harm. Please seek new employment. Give your church the ultimatum, you or him, and don't go back to work until the situation is resolved. The fact that this guy has stalked you so well up to this point indicates that he will stop at nothing to get to you. At this point, the police sure do need to be involved. Please get them involved.

 

[ZephBonkerer]

A few days later I get a call from one of the deacons trying to get me to meet with Tom so he can apologize, with the deacon as a mediator. I refuse because I don’t want to be near Tom. The deacon tries to talk to me about forgiveness and it’s all been a misunderstanding...

This deacon is unwise to not take your safety concerns seriously. Tom is not respecting your boundaries or your agency to associate or not associate with. This is sin. He should have heeded the message long before you had to block him on anything.

While it pains me to say this, there was a time in my life (early 20s) when I was not much different from Tom. I would do some things to stalk some females that were around, some of them as they were described in the post. I could have said "I didn't know what I was doing" and that was the truth. But that's a lousy excuse, and I knew it even then. I came to a saving faith in Jesus when I was 23, largely as a result of being forced to confront the kind of man I was becoming. (I'm 46 now)

I can never be ok with sin. I saw it for what it really is - and what it does. I detest the things I did prior to salvation, and I detest how I made these women feel around me back then.

When I did seek out repentance in earnest, the creepiness disappeared for the most part, and I was making friends again. People noticed a difference in only a few months. I was all "wow, I actually have friends again!"

I had to trust God to find the path to repentance. I didn't know the way back - I could not have found it myself. The decision to come to Jesus was one I made in great desperation. But even a decision made in desperation can be a very good one.

If the deacon is reading this, I have a few words for him. Yes, I was once a creep in need of repentance, and I took that path. But you cannot jeopardize the well-being of others in your congregation or workplace to hold out hope that Tom will repent as I did. Real life is not the Hallmark Channel, and Tom has had many opportunities to rethink his behavior.

 

[Sara50840]

I spoke with the pastor one more time last week and he said he was unaware that the harassment was still going on. Apparently the meeting with the deacons and Tom never happened, but the deacon I mentioned before had taken the matter into his own hands, met with Tom individually, and told the pastor the issue was resolved.

During this conversation last week, I said I was considering resigning because the church doesn’t have my back and that I’m starting to look at other churches. (I was planning to resign that day actually.) He practically begged me not to and wanted to speak with Tom one more time. Because the pastor was kept out of the loop and wanted to help, I decided to give it one more week. I thought I was being courteous, but I think I really just chickened out. I’ve been at this church my whole life and leaving is so difficult. That’s why I’ve held on for so long.

I have been visiting a friend’s church for a couple of Wednesday nights to try out their small group and also avoid Tom on Wednesdays. I like this group much better and think that God is calling me elsewhere.

I got a phone call from my pastor on Friday and it’s like his whole demeanor had changed. He had spoken with Tom, who denied everything of course. Now my pastor was saying he didn’t like that I was visiting the other church, saying I “shouldn’t be supporting another church as a church employee of this one.” All I did was go to a couple of small groups; I hadn’t even tithed to them or anything. There are a few people I know at the other church that had left this church, and the pastor accused them of taking me away and that they had a lot of drama during their departure (I'm not aware of any drama, but considering what has been happening to me, I feel like whatever their reason, it was very valid). I made a point to say that they aren't pulling me away; I am just trying to see where God is leading me. My pastor was also talking about how he’s seeking free legal counsel to see what the next steps should be for the church. He was talking about protecting the church. Is he trying to protect the church from me? Does he really have that low of an opinion of me that he thinks I’ll try to attack the church? I’ve done everything I can to keep this matter private and respectful. He also was saying that it sounds like I’m already on my way out the door and asked if he should look for someone else to replace me.

The phone call felt very accusatory and I was shocked, because this is the man that actually had my back in the beginning. He even talked about getting rid of Tom when I first brought the matter before him. And now we fast-forward to today, where Tom is still on a high pedestal at the church while I’m the enemy.

I turned in my immediate resignation today.

It absolutely breaks my heart that things went this way. I do know it was the right thing to do and God was leading me away, but I can’t believe I was treated this way by the people I thought were my family. They’ve known me all my life and they turned on me so quickly in favor of a predator. It’s like everything I contributed to this church was all for nothing. I can probably count on one hand the number of Sundays I’ve missed. I helped in Bible School. I helped with the youth group. I helped with all of their technology and served on a committee that kept the church from falling apart when we were without a pastor. I volunteered at various other events over the years. I was an actual staff employee for over 3 years. I was kind to everyone and never caused any trouble. And yet that means absolutely nothing. It hurts so much.

But it’s in the past now. I’m glad I can finally find peace about the situation and am excited to find out what God has in store for my future!

Thank you all for your guidance.

 

[ZephBonkerer]

I'm disappointed in how the pastor handled this case, and I'm sure you are too. Sometimes Church leadership can be very image conscious. But they need to seek the Kingdom first. If they do that, the rest will follow.

I can understand not wanting to lose a good employee. But you can't fault someone for considering other options when there is a serious problem that isn't being resolved properly.

 

[TheLastGeek]

I spoke with the pastor one more time last week and he said he was unaware that the harassment was still going on. Apparently the meeting with the deacons and Tom never happened, but the deacon I mentioned before had taken the matter into his own hands, met with Tom individually, and told the pastor the issue was resolved.

During this conversation last week, I said I was considering resigning because the church doesn’t have my back and that I’m starting to look at other churches. (I was planning to resign that day actually.) He practically begged me not to and wanted to speak with Tom one more time. Because the pastor was kept out of the loop and wanted to help, I decided to give it one more week. I thought I was being courteous, but I think I really just chickened out. I’ve been at this church my whole life and leaving is so difficult. That’s why I’ve held on for so long.

I have been visiting a friend’s church for a couple of Wednesday nights to try out their small group and also avoid Tom on Wednesdays. I like this group much better and think that God is calling me elsewhere.

I got a phone call from my pastor on Friday and it’s like his whole demeanor had changed. He had spoken with Tom, who denied everything of course. Now my pastor was saying he didn’t like that I was visiting the other church, saying I “shouldn’t be supporting another church as a church employee of this one.” All I did was go to a couple of small groups; I hadn’t even tithed to them or anything. He was also talking about how he’s seeking free legal counsel to see what the next steps should be for the church. He was talking about protecting the church. Is he trying to protect the church from me? Does he really have that low of an opinion of me that he thinks I’ll try to attack the church? I’ve done everything I can to keep this matter private and respectful. He also was saying that it sounds like I’m already on my way out the door and asked if he should look for someone else to replace me.

The phone call felt very accusatory and I was shocked, because this is the man that actually had my back in the beginning. He even talked about getting rid of Tom when I first brought the matter before him. And now we fast-forward to today, where Tom is still on a high pedestal at the church while I’m the enemy.

I turned in my immediate resignation today.

It absolutely breaks my heart that things went this way. I do know it was the right thing to do and God was leading me away, but I can’t believe I was treated this way by the people I thought were my family. They’ve known me all my life and they turned on me so quickly in favor of a predator. It’s like everything I contributed to this church was all for nothing. I can probably count on one hand the number of Sundays I’ve missed. I helped in Bible School. I helped with the youth group. I helped with all of their technology and served on a committee that kept the church from falling apart when we were without a pastor. I volunteered at various other events over the years. I was an actual staff employee for over 3 years. I was kind to everyone and never caused any trouble. And yet that means absolutely nothing. It hurts so much.

But it’s in the past now. I’m glad I can finally find peace about the situation and am excited to find out what God has in store for my future!

Thank you all for your guidance.

I am so, so sorry about this. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is, to lose your church family in this way. Involuntarily, harshly, and unfairly.

Your pastor is completely in the wrong here. He doesn't own you, and you don't owe him or his church your blind devotion and loyalty. ALL Christians are brothers and sisters in Christ, and nobody should ever be made to feel that they can't or shouldn't interact with other believers in other churches. Our devotion is to God, not any particular church building or the people within it. The worldwide Church is open to all of us.

And yes, it sounds like he's preemptively accusing you of intending to come after the church with legal action. He just sounds like he's completely blind to the whole situation, and in denial.

I am very glad you resigned, even though I know how terribly hurtful it must be for you. God is with you, He knows what's happening, and He's already got a way made for you.

It's also a near certainty that Tom will latch onto another woman at some point, and this whole cycle will repeat. And eventually, the leaders will be forced to face the truth; that this man is not well and not safe for women to be around.

Be strong and keep your chin up!

 

[Sara50840]

I am so, so sorry about this. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is, to lose your church family in this way. Involuntarily, harshly, and unfairly.

Your pastor is completely in the wrong here. He doesn't own you, and you don't owe him or his church your blind devotion and loyalty. ALL Christians are brothers and sisters in Christ, and nobody should ever be made to feel that they can't or shouldn't interact with other believers in other churches. Our devotion is to God, not any particular church building or the people within it. The worldwide Church is open to all of us.

And yes, it sounds like he's preemptively accusing you of intending to come after the church with legal action. He just sounds like he's completely blind to the whole situation, and in denial.

I am very glad you resigned, even though I know how terribly hurtful it must be for you. God is with you, He knows what's happening, and He's already got a way made for you.

It's also a near certainty that Tom will latch onto another woman at some point, and this whole cycle will repeat. And eventually, the leaders will be forced to face the truth; that this man is not well and not safe for women to be around.

Be strong and keep your chin up!

It came as such a huge shock to me that my pastor was so bothered by the fact that I was going to another church on Wednesdays. It's not like I was going on Sundays. I was still doing my job. The church I went to on Wednesdays had a women's group and several other classes to choose from, while my home church literally had only one class on Wednesdays which was taught by the pastor. On top of that, the first week I went was on a week that my church was skipping Wednesday night class, so did he want me to not go to church at all that week instead of visiting a church that was actually having a class? And the second time I went, my church wasn't really having class, but instead had a guest speaker about a ministry opportunity. So both times I wasn't there, they weren't really having class. It could've easily been argued to anyone else that I was just seeking Christian teaching on nights that my home church wasn't providing it. My pastor was the only one who knew about the ulterior motive.

And yeah, the thing I'm most worried about at this point is that Tom is still virtually unchecked. Barely anyone even knows what happened, and the ones who do clearly don't have any intention of stopping him. If someone asks me why I left, I'm torn about whether I should just call it a "personal issue" or say "Tom was harassing me and the church didn't stop it." I don't want to hurt the church, but I don't want to enable them with my silence either.

Tom chats with the youth a lot and someone even praised him for "buckling up the little kids in the church van." I am an adult (22), but I still see myself as a child sometimes, and considering the age gap between the two of us, I don't think it's too much of a reach to assume he may look to someone even younger. A couple of them are about to turn 18 though, so maybe in his eyes that will make them fair game. My heart goes out to the parents of these kids who don't even realize that this is a man they should protect their children from.

I don't want anyone else to get hurt. I don't want to have to wait until he does it again for them to finally understand. So part of the reason why I didn't leave sooner was that I was hoping he would be properly reprimanded from my situation to spare it from happening to someone else. I'm definitely going to have to keep looking over my shoulder for awhile to see if he tries to follow me when he realizes I am gone.

 

[ZephBonkerer]

It's also a near certainty that Tom will latch onto another woman at some point, and this whole cycle will repeat. And eventually, the leaders will be forced to face the truth; that this man is not well and not safe for women to be around.

Guys like that usually do. He should know this is no way to behave around women, especially at his age. Is it because he just doesn't care?

 

[Gentle Lamb]

I spoke with the pastor one more time last week and he said he was unaware that the harassment was still going on. Apparently the meeting with the deacons and Tom never happened, but the deacon I mentioned before had taken the matter into his own hands, met with Tom individually, and told the pastor the issue was resolved.

During this conversation last week, I said I was considering resigning because the church doesn’t have my back and that I’m starting to look at other churches. (I was planning to resign that day actually.) He practically begged me not to and wanted to speak with Tom one more time. Because the pastor was kept out of the loop and wanted to help, I decided to give it one more week. I thought I was being courteous, but I think I really just chickened out. I’ve been at this church my whole life and leaving is so difficult. That’s why I’ve held on for so long.

I have been visiting a friend’s church for a couple of Wednesday nights to try out their small group and also avoid Tom on Wednesdays. I like this group much better and think that God is calling me elsewhere.

I got a phone call from my pastor on Friday and it’s like his whole demeanor had changed. He had spoken with Tom, who denied everything of course. Now my pastor was saying he didn’t like that I was visiting the other church, saying I “shouldn’t be supporting another church as a church employee of this one.” All I did was go to a couple of small groups; I hadn’t even tithed to them or anything. There are a few people I know at the other church that had left this church, and the pastor accused them of taking me away and that they had a lot of drama during their departure (I'm not aware of any drama, but considering what has been happening to me, I feel like whatever their reason, it was very valid). I made a point to say that they aren't pulling me away; I am just trying to see where God is leading me. My pastor was also talking about how he’s seeking free legal counsel to see what the next steps should be for the church. He was talking about protecting the church. Is he trying to protect the church from me? Does he really have that low of an opinion of me that he thinks I’ll try to attack the church? I’ve done everything I can to keep this matter private and respectful. He also was saying that it sounds like I’m already on my way out the door and asked if he should look for someone else to replace me.

The phone call felt very accusatory and I was shocked, because this is the man that actually had my back in the beginning. He even talked about getting rid of Tom when I first brought the matter before him. And now we fast-forward to today, where Tom is still on a high pedestal at the church while I’m the enemy.

I turned in my immediate resignation today.

It absolutely breaks my heart that things went this way. I do know it was the right thing to do and God was leading me away, but I can’t believe I was treated this way by the people I thought were my family. They’ve known me all my life and they turned on me so quickly in favor of a predator. It’s like everything I contributed to this church was all for nothing. I can probably count on one hand the number of Sundays I’ve missed. I helped in Bible School. I helped with the youth group. I helped with all of their technology and served on a committee that kept the church from falling apart when we were without a pastor. I volunteered at various other events over the years. I was an actual staff employee for over 3 years. I was kind to everyone and never caused any trouble. And yet that means absolutely nothing. It hurts so much.

But it’s in the past now. I’m glad I can finally find peace about the situation and am excited to find out what God has in store for my future!

Thank you all for your guidance.

Praise God!!!! I am so happy to hear that you resigned!!! That church is not Christ Himself. Jesus loves you so much and everything that you have done for Him, Jesus will reward you Himself. None of your work done for Him, none of your love for Him is lost. God uses situations like this to show you the heart that people really have for you. When people really care about you and love you, they don't do things like this. If they screw up, they come back and apologize and amend the relationship. May God grant you a much better job in a safer environment, may God protect you from that creepy predator, and may God grant you a church fellowship that actually cares about you. God bless you Sara!!! <3

 

[Gentle Lamb]

It came as such a huge shock to me that my pastor was so bothered by the fact that I was going to another church on Wednesdays. It's not like I was going on Sundays. I was still doing my job. The church I went to on Wednesdays had a women's group and several other classes to choose from, while my home church literally had only one class on Wednesdays which was taught by the pastor. On top of that, the first week I went was on a week that my church was skipping Wednesday night class, so did he want me to not go to church at all that week instead of visiting a church that was actually having a class? And the second time I went, my church wasn't really having class, but instead had a guest speaker about a ministry opportunity. So both times I wasn't there, they weren't really having class. It could've easily been argued to anyone else that I was just seeking Christian teaching on nights that my home church wasn't providing it. My pastor was the only one who knew about the ulterior motive.

And yeah, the thing I'm most worried about at this point is that Tom is still virtually unchecked. Barely anyone even knows what happened, and the ones who do clearly don't have any intention of stopping him. If someone asks me why I left, I'm torn about whether I should just call it a "personal issue" or say "Tom was harassing me and the church didn't stop it." I don't want to hurt the church, but I don't want to enable them with my silence either.

Tom chats with the youth a lot and someone even praised him for "buckling up the little kids in the church van." I am an adult (22), but I still see myself as a child sometimes, and considering the age gap between the two of us, I don't think it's too much of a reach to assume he may look to someone even younger. A couple of them are about to turn 18 though, so maybe in his eyes that will make them fair game. My heart goes out to the parents of these kids who don't even realize that this is a man they should protect their children from.

I don't want anyone else to get hurt. I don't want to have to wait until he does it again for them to finally understand. So part of the reason why I didn't leave sooner was that I was hoping he would be properly reprimanded from my situation to spare it from happening to someone else. I'm definitely going to have to keep looking over my shoulder for awhile to see if he tries to follow me when he realizes I am gone.

If you feel the need to be open and honest with people about why you left, then speak up. You never know who you may be able to help save by your honesty.

 

[RobG]

It’s hard because this is the church I grew up in and I care about the people here. My family is here. Plus if I were to leave then there would be no one else to do my job because no one else knows how. I haven’t taken a week off since I’ve started this job because no one is able to cover my absence. Although leaving the church is something I have still considered.

Hi Sara,

So sorry to hear about all you are dealing with. You've gotten plenty of good feedback from others, so I will not rehash what others have said up to the point where you said that which I have quoted above. Among other things, one thing which comes to mind is Jesus' words, “And when they persecute you in one town, flee to the next.” (Mt 10:23). I'm not suggesting that you necessarily consider moving to another town, but what I am suggesting is that (using the principle behind Jesus’ words) you consider moving on from your place of employment.

Assuming that everything you are saying is accurate, it seems you are not being supported very well either as a member of the congregation or as an employee. While I admire your dedication to your employer (often a rare find in today's workforce), it seems to me that there may be an over-expectation on the part of those in leadership at your church, if there is no one else who can fill in for you to the point that you are unable to take time off if needed. You cannot be held responsible for what sounds like poor management/leadership, assuming I am understanding the situation correctly.

Jesus expects us to die to our own self-will to the point of adopting a slave-like attitude toward service to others (willingly regarding others more highly than ourselves - Php 2:3). Willingly adopting a slave-like attitude for ourselves, however, is wholly different than having or allowing others treat us as slaves.

Put differently, there is no reason for you to feel bad or guilty for taking care of yourself (think good stewardship) in fundamentally healthy and God-honoring ways. If this man, Tom, truly is repeatedly behaving in sinful ways towards you (and it certainly sounds like he is, having heard only your side of the story and not knowing Tom, myself), I think it is safe to say, Jesus would not expect you to continue putting up with Tom’s sin (God desires mercy over sacrifice - his mercy reigns supreme in regard to your life, over expecting you to sacrificing your well-being and safety for the sake of some church work getting done) as well as the potential sin of the church leadership in not providing a safe working/worship/service environment for you - though in their defense, it sounds like they (unlike those of us here on the forum) know Tom and seem to see him as a good guy and my find your account of the situation hard to believe. Note, I am not suggesting you are lying. I’m simply saying that from their perspective (unlike those of us here), the whole situation is a “he said, she said” sort of thing. Though they seem to have sided with you on some level, that doesn’t mean Tom hasn’t put his own spin on the situation and they are stuck trying to determine, the best they can, what has really happened.

I highly encourage you to move on (trust me, others will figure out how to do your job without you if needed). If Tom is already following you and your sister both on social media, your moving on from your church may not be enough to keep him from continuing to pursue your attention (sorry to say). But staying where you are certainly isn’t going to help, while leaving, on the other hand, might.

You’re under no obligation to stay. I realize all of this is easy for us to say and difficult for you to do, but sometimes we have to do the hard things in life (and staying where you are isn’t going to make things any easier).

Whatever you decide, please be safe. Seek friends/relatives you trust to “always be around” for a time so you’re less likely to “bump into” Tom while out-and-about around town or outside of your home while you are alone.

You and Tom and your church leadership will be in my prayers. Hopefully, the church leadership will see reality for what it is and Tom will get the help he seems to need.

Blessings to you.