Suggestions About Pesky Questioning

[who93]

Hello! I am looking for some advice/suggestions. Here is some background information:

My husband and I would be considered to be of the quiverfull mindset. (We do not yet have any children though.) We are not using any type of birth control and we believe that the possibility and timing of any child is in God's hands.

When people ask if we are "trying" to have children, we briefly explain our conviction and then if further explanation is needed, we simply say, "We are not "trying", but we are not preventing it either. It is in God's hands." People usually get the point then.

However, I have an acquaintance who consistently asks me, each time I speak with her, whether or not my husband and I are still "trying." She is a married Christian woman, but is on BC and believes children should be planned. She has tried to argue with me in the past that the decision to be quiverfull is irresponsible, so I know what she thinks about my husband's and my conviction. I do not agree with her, but I respect her enough not to argue about it.

When she asks me if we are still "trying" I politely tell her that we are leaving it up to the Lord and aren't preventing anything. (Like I have told her many times before.) She just doesn't seem to want to leave the topic alone, even when I try to change the subject. I am tired of her asking. Our minds are NOT going to change. Honestly, I have started to avoid her in recent months because of her constant questioning and condescending tone. It is not pleasant conversing with someone when you keep getting questioned over and over about something that is not going to change.

Anyway, do you have any suggestions on what I should do or say? Am I wrong to let this friendship fizzle out? We don't really have anything in common and never really have. We're just old acquaintances from middle school who have kept in touch over the years.

Thank you in advance for any advice or suggestions you have. Have a wonderful day!

 

[jammiowen]

I don't know if this is right or wrong, but if it were me and my husband, we would reply that yes, we are still "trying" to live as we feel God has directed us to live, and we will accept whatever comes of that. Alternatively, you could ask her how her last bible study went and maybe that would change the topic?

 

[Catherineanne]

Thank you in advance for any advice or suggestions you have. Have a wonderful day!

From what you say it looks to me as if this woman wants a child. Approach talking to her from this pov, and you will find it easier.

Even women using birth control can have a very deep, very earnest desire to be a mother. They may be ruled by their heads, but their hearts are not so easily convinced.

You don't need to avoid seeing her any more. Next time she says, 'Are you trying for a child', try asking, 'Why do you ask? Do you think you would like to have a child at some point soon?' Then listen, and refrain from judging or commenting. Chances are that if she trusts you, she will talk to you about her pain. But be gentle; this is a difficult area for many women. Few of us feel able to have the number of children we would like, and she may well have a trace of envy - not nasty envy, just a kind of longing - when she talks to you.

If it turns into an argument again, well, that can soon be deflected by saying, 'I think we had better not talk about this, in case we fall out. Your friendship is too important to me, to risk doing that.' But I think there is a good chance this woman wants to talk about herself, not about you.

 

[who93]

From what you say it looks to me as if this woman wants a child. Approach talking to her from this pov, and you will find it easier.

Even women using birth control can have a very deep, very earnest desire to be a mother. They may be ruled by their heads, but their hearts are not so easily convinced.

You don't need to avoid seeing her any more. Next time she says, 'Are you trying for a child', try asking, 'Why do you ask? Do you think you would like to have a child at some point soon?' Then listen, and refrain from judging or commenting. Chances are that if she trusts you, she will talk to you about her pain. But be gentle; this is a difficult area for many women. Few of us feel able to have the number of children we would like, and she may well have a trace of envy - not nasty envy, just a kind of longing - when she talks to you.

If it turns into an argument again, well, that can soon be deflected by saying, 'I think we had better not talk about this, in case we fall out. Your friendship is too important to me, to risk doing that.' But I think there is a good chance this woman wants to talk about herself, not about you.

First of all, thank you for your comments. Let me clear some things up though. My friend and I have never had an actual falling out. She lives in another state and we only converse on the phone. I do change the subject so she stops harrasing my husband's and my choice to be quiverfull, but she will turn the subject right back on topic. We have been "quiverfull" for two years now and do NOT have any children yet and we are leaving that up to the Lord.

My friend is also 24, like me, and will be going off BC soon in hopes to start a family with her husband. She does not have any children yet either. The issue with her is not the amount of children we may or may not have. She just does not agree with the quiverfull mindset and she constantly is on the attack about it.

I do not bring it up because I do not think one's reproductive choices need to be discussed regularly among friends. Also, I know how she feels about it and I have decided to "agree to disagree." However, that is all she seems to want to talk about with me. I can't seem to have one conversation with her without her asking me about it in a condescending tone.

I do respect her and the right she has to make her own choices with her husband. I have NEVER told her that she should be quiverfull or that she is somehow wrong. I just wish she would show the same respect to me by dropping the subject and realizing we just come from different points of view.

When someone who is supposed to be a friend constantly harps on you about a God-given conviction, what should you do? I do not want to completely abandon our friendship, but she is making any further conversation unpleasant by refusing to stop talking about this.

 

[Catherineanne]

First of all, thank you for your comments. Let me clear some things up though. My friend and I have never had an actual falling out. She lives in another state and we only converse on the phone. I do change the subject so she stops harrasing my husband's and my choice to be quiverfull, but she will turn the subject right back on topic. We have been "quiverfull" for two years now and do NOT have any children yet and we are leaving that up to the Lord.

My friend is also 24, like me, and will be going off BC soon in hopes to start a family with her husband. She does not have any children yet either. The issue with her is not the amount of children we may or may not have. She just does not agree with the quiverfull mindset and she constantly is on the attack about it.

I do not bring it up because I do not think one's reproductive choices need to be discussed regularly among friends. Also, I know how she feels about it and I have decided to "agree to disagree." However, that is all she seems to want to talk about with me. I can't seem to have one conversation with her without her asking me about it in a condescending tone.

I do respect her and the right she has to make her own choices with her husband. I have NEVER told her that she should be quiverfull or that she is somehow wrong. I just wish she would show the same respect to me by dropping the subject and realizing we just come from different points of view.

When someone who is supposed to be a friend constantly harps on you about a God-given conviction, what should you do? I do not want to completely abandon our friendship, but she is making any further conversation unpleasant by refusing to stop talking about this.

Thanks for the clarification. From what you say, I am more convinced than ever that this woman has a very deep longing for a child, and is perhaps afraid that she will not be able to conceive. (We have all been there, I imagine!) Women who want a child very often can't talk about anything else; there is nothing else.

She is trying to open a conversation about herself, but begins by asking about you. I think the important thing is not to close the conversation, but make it about her, and her own longing, and her own fears. I know this is true of me; when I ask a friend, 'How are you?' I am very often wanting only to have them ask this of me, and mean it. Usually they reply, 'Fine, how about you?' but they don't really want to know the answer, so I usually just say 'Fine' as well. Very often we protect one another by what we say.

I honestly think this lady wants someone to talk to.

 

[bliz]

Friendships come in all different shapes and sizes. Some last for a lifetime, some for a few months or years and some exist only under certain circumstances. It sounds like you and this woman have grown in different directions and while there was a bond in the past, it seems pretty this these days. It is not careless or unkind to let friendships die their natural deaths. A "don't initiate; don't reject" policy often lets that happen.

If you want to keep the door open you could make it very clear that you do not wish to discuss reproductive matters with her - I agree with you, it's not a topic for general conversation - by ending the conversation when she brings it up. "Mavis, I'm very sorry, I'm not going to discuss this subject with you any more." followed by you hanging up is a very clear statement and it spares you from having to go through it over and over again.

 

[Sabertooth]

Before DW had to get a hysterectomy, we got that all the time. We might say, "We're convicted that this is the right way to live..." But people seemed to hear, "We're doing it the RIGHT way (unlike you...?)!"

It wasn't our intention, but it seemed so inescapable.

 

[who93]

Thanks for the clarification. From what you say, I am more convinced than ever that this woman has a very deep longing for a child, and is perhaps afraid that she will not be able to conceive. (We have all been there, I imagine!) Women who want a child very often can't talk about anything else; there is nothing else.

She is trying to open a conversation about herself, but begins by asking about you. I think the important thing is not to close the conversation, but make it about her, and her own longing, and her own fears. I know this is true of me; when I ask a friend, 'How are you?' I am very often wanting only to have them ask this of me, and mean it. Usually they reply, 'Fine, how about you?' but they don't really want to know the answer, so I usually just say 'Fine' as well. Very often we protect one another by what we say.

I honestly think this lady wants someone to talk to.

What you said makes sense. I appreciate your perspective. Thank you very much for your words of wisdom.

 

[who93]

We might say, "We're convicted that this is the right way to live..." But people seemed to hear, "We're doing it the RIGHT way (unlike you...?)!"

It wasn't our intention, but it seemed so inescapable.

Yes, you are right about that. Thank you very much for your comments.

 

[jgonz]

When asked, I always said, "No we're not trying. We're leaving that up to the Lord," and moved on to a different subject. I never got into it with anyone~ it's no one's business if/when we had another baby, or how many we have. I never added the "and we're not preventing either," because that opens you up for further conversation. Short & sweet~ that's the way to handle those questions.

(Obviously you'd follow the Lord on who to open up to... but you'd know if/when the Lord is leading you to share more fully with someone who's open, IMO.)

 

[who93]

Thank you everyone for your kind and insightful responses. Have a blessed day!