I don’t even know where to begin…. Childhood perhaps? I was beaten severely during my elementary school days. I was always told to show the other cheek like Jesus so the proper thing to do was accept the beatings without fighting back and so that’s what I did. For years. By the time I was 8 I began to desire death to escape as God never saved me regardless of how much I prayed and begged and cried before bed and on the bus to school. I told my parents who put me in therapy where I was drugged to the point of not feeling anything for years. During that time many things happened to me but we won’t go into detail. Just know life did not ease up. I eventually got off the drugs and regained my senses. This entire time I’ve been attending church with my parents and reading the Bible with them. I’ve also been praying nightly and trying to build a relationship with God. Finished our high school and joined the U.S. Navy. Lost my contract due to a paperwork issue and granted a job as a mechanic. I’m no good with my hands so this was a horrible job choice. But I do my best, get first in my training school and get my dream orders to Japan with a meritorious promotion. Next thing I know NCIS is investigating me for child inappropriate contentography. Turns out a ex called them and said I was producing child inappropriate content in my barracks and distributing it on base when she heard I was doing well. Even though I was cleared of the allegation after several months, I was still stripped of promotion and my orders were rescinded. The news I was investigated for the above crimes made it to duty station even though I was proven innocent… needless to say my 4 years in were a living hell. I get out of the military and here I am nearly a decade later, several failed businesses and meaningless jobs deep into this life and I’m only 30. I’ve lost faith in Gods goodness. I no longer trust him and I’ve never “felt” him or heard him. There has never been peace or joy…. Only pain. I’ve prayed for death for years and obviously it’s never been granted…. I’m just so tired yet when I ask for strength, beg for rest, plead for mercy, it doesn’t come. Even now I’m trying to build a business that will pull my family out of this massive hole of debt. There is no escape for me. I’m too cowardly to kill myself, I can put the gun in my mouth but can never pull the trigger. God has turned his face from me since I was a child despite his “promises” in the Bible… I’m just… tired. I’m hurting. Full of self hatred. No confidence in myself since my first memory. Wishing for death. I’m Mad. Furious. Hopeless. Abandoned… how do you go on? How do you trust God and move past the pain he’s put on you when there’s been no purpose? I’m sorry for the rambling I just have no one to vent to or talk with. I apologize for the length of this post.
Sometimes life can be rough, for all of us. For me, I have autism, and not many Christian friends, cos most young people do not. I'm sorry for the pain and suffering you've experienced throughout your life, Gallacher16. It's clear that your childhood experiences have left deep wounds, and it's natural to feel angry, hurt, and questioning God's goodness. Yes, sometimes it would be nice if God only gave us 50 years on this Earth, instead of 80, but we should not try and hasten our lives, as our bodies are the temple for the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
Here are some Bible verses that might bring you comfort and provide some perspective:
1. Psalm 34:18 - "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." This verse reminds us that God is always with us in our pain and suffering. He sees our struggles and desires to bring healing and restoration.
2. Isaiah 43:1-2 - "But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.'" This passage reminds us of God's promises to protect and redeem His people, even in the midst of trials and difficulties.
3. Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." This verse reminds us that God is working everything out for our good, even when we cannot see it. It's important to trust in His plan and purpose for our lives.
4. Psalm 37:5-6 - "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun." This passage encourages us to commit our lives to God and trust in His goodness, knowing that He will bring justice and righteousness in due time.
5. Matthew 11:28-29 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." This passage offers an invitation to come to Jesus for rest and relief from our burdens. It's important to remember that He is always with us, ready to offer comfort, peace, and strength in our times of need.
I hope these verses bring you some comfort and perspective, Gallacher16. It's important to remember that God sees our pain and suffering, and He is always with us, working for our good. It's also important to trust in His plan and purpose for our lives, even when we cannot see it. May you find peace and rest in His presence, and may He bring healing to the deep wounds that you've carried for so long. If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to reach out. There are plenty of members on CF who are here for you. If worst comes to worse,
talk to a priest or pastor about this.
