Push through or divorce? Please help

[Christian.39]

Hi,
I am new here and I signed up because I’m at a crisis in my life and really need some godly advice. I hope I’m at the right place and someone can help me make a big decision. I know it’s long but if you can read and help me I’d appreciate it so much.

My question is basically regarding whether or not I have a legit reason to divorce my wife based on a recent event.

We dated for 2 years and got married in January of this year. She is 20 and I am 23 years old. Honestly looking back on it, we had no business getting married due to the amount of hurt and tension that existed already. However, it doesn’t make sense to regret the past, I just need to know what I should do next. My wife has always had a lying problem. Before we got married I caught her in dozens of lies. It once got so bad that she had moved in with an ex and was lying about where she was living. She lied about past affairs and all kinds of things. I somehow saw the good in her though and forced myself to believe her every time she said it was the last lie. Again, I realize now 100% that marriage was a horrible idea so please don’t reiterate that lol.

Anyway, a couple days ago I noticed that her google account was logged into my computer. I suppose she logged in and forgot to log out when we used it. Being that we have zero trust as is, I went though her history (I can see what her account has done on all her devices (cell phone included). Turns out, she has been looking up her ex (the same one she has lied about before) on instagram and Twitter and Facebook almost every single week or every few days for the past 5 months. I confronted her about it and she lied many times until I printed out the history pages and showed her proof. Then she admitted. She said she didn’t contact him just looked at pics because she misses how he treated her and I don’t treat her right. Granted, I haven’t treated her great lately and we have had a ton of fighting. Plus I’m gone all the time with work and school.

A day later, I went further into her history and found that she searched several times for “how to delete message and phone call history” and searched for “hotel rooms” near where her ex lives. I confronted her and she lied several more times denying it all. Again I proved that I knew and she finally admitted and said that she “planned to cheat” but never went through with it. She got too nervous every time and didn’t actually contact him or do it. She just looked up hotels and how to erase her tracks or if she did cheat.

Honestly, I’m so sick and tired of catching her in lies it’s unbelievable. I feel like our trust is fried and always will be. I feel like she can never be honest with me about anything. And he ex will never disappear. Being that she “wanted” to cheat, am I justified to divorce in God’s eyes? I want to be in God’s will and if that means roughing it out I will. Please help me, I need help making this huge decision and most of all I need to know if I am justified by the Lord because of the adultery in her heart or if divorce would be sin.

 

[tampasteve]

I went through literally the same thing, although I did not find out until around a year into the marriage and it continued for nearly 10 years going back and forth from repentance to sin in a cycle for her. My advice is to seek a Marriage and Family counselor, preferably Christian. Make an appointment and have her stick to it, if she does not then go without her for advice. If you are in the Tampa area I can suggest a great one.

I am sorry, this type of action is incredibly hurtful. In my experience it did not get better and only became a physical affair. She can turn it around, but she needs to seek counseling with you if she and you desire to make this work.

 

[maintenance man]

When there are no children involved this is an easier decision to make.

Marriage is not simply a piece of paper - it should be a commitment before God.

I'm not sure she ever made that commitment.

 

[Christian.39]

Thank you both so much for the replies. It is so heavy on my heart but I feel like she isn’t ready to change.

According to scripture, would this be adultery (in the context of justifying divorce) even though she says she didn’t actually physically do it?

 

[maintenance man]

According to scripture, would this be adultery (in the context of justifying divorce) even though she says she didn’t actually physically do it?

Based on the story you've told, it's the lying that would push me toward divorce.

If she wants to stay married, you have an obligation to help her work through her reasons for looking elsewhere for something she says she's not getting from you.

If she never made an honest commitment before God to be married - it was all a lie - you never were married in my eyes. I would personally have no problem walking away.

I can't tell you what's right or wrong. That's between you and God.

 

[Christian.39]

She does want to stay married. Says she didn’t miss her ex ,just missed the feeling she had with him...

 

[Ing Bee]

Hello-
Before you make any decisions, I advise taking a few steps, perhaps with a brother in Christ whom you trust:

1) Think deeply: Why did you choose to marry your wife? Really, really think through and examine your motives. You may be right that you should not have gotten married, but you did. Think about the good: what qualities do you appreciate about your wife? What delighted you at the beginning? Think of the bad: Did you have selfish motives? I was engaged once and although I had a facade of purity, my real motivations were to be her "savior" and for the physical pleasure I was looking forward to. Allow the Lord to search your heart. Don't beat yourself up, but be honest. Armed with the knowledge of your own motivations, you will have greater clarity to seek forgiveness from God and from your wife.

2) Think deeply: Why does your wife lie? Since this predates your marriage, there is something there than needs to be addressed. You are hurting too, but God's love, if the Spirit of God is in you, always perseveres, and is kind. Recall that "while we were still sinners Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). Jesus suffered great pain, pain from our sin, pain that we deserved, in order to make us whole.

3) Reflect on the faithfulness of God to his "adulterous" people. God is a faithful husband, even when his people are unfaithful. The book of Hosea is about this, but it is everywhere in the Old Testament. As a Christian, God's Spirit empowers us to live like He does, even in the midst of painful circumstances.

4) Consider :I s your wife your enemy? Jesus said we are to love our enemies as ourselves (the focus of the Parable of the Good Samaritan).

5) Reread the covenant that YOU made on your wedding day. A comment above posed the idea that perhaps her covenant wasn't genuine, but if you made a covenant, it probably wasn't "as long as you really mean what you are saying, I will be faithful". God is faithful when we are not. In the Bible, both the original Abrahamic and the New Covenants are one-sided, God keeping both sides because we won't be true.

6) Read Jesus' words in Mark 10:1-12 Note that in this earliest gospel, there is no caveat. Additionally, God's pattern towards his "wife" is never abandonment.

7) Thank God for His persistent and faithful love toward you. A heart of gratitude for forgiveness is more likely to forgive others.

8) Seek wise counsel from your church family. Be humble with an older couple that can give you both counsel and biblical care. I know marriages that God has brought to life from the ashes.

God brings order out of chaos. You are young and you married young, maybe unwisely, but that doesn't mean your covenant is void. It also doesn't mean that you are doomed. All things are possible. You are loved by a God who wrote the book on persistent, hard-luck romance --- and He is victorious.

 

[Ing Bee]

I should add, my wife and I are currently counseling a young couple in our church where actual infidelity was involved as well as deception. It has been difficult and painful for us to see our young friends with bitterness and broken trust, but a joy to see how God's love in the context of a caring community can help bring restoration. Not out of the woods yet, but improving. I hope that encourages you.

 

[tampasteve]

Thank you both so much for the replies. It is so heavy on my heart but I feel like she isn’t ready to change.

Then she really does need counseling to get through this with you. She needs to see why the behavior has to change or it will absolutely lead to divorce.

According to scripture, would this be adultery (in the context of justifying divorce) even though she says she didn’t actually physically do it?

Personally, yes, I think it does. But that is not really up to me to judge. She says she did not have a physical affair, but such is the problem with a person that is known to be lying. You just cannot trust her or what she says did or did not happen. The deception and research on how to deceive are more troubling than the actual action, to me.

She does want to stay married. Says she didn’t miss her ex ,just missed the feeling she had with him...

If she wants to stay married she needs to put in the work to stay married, which means stopping this behavior. It is an addiction and might take time, but if she falls and starts the cycle again she needs to admit it to you. If she feels like she is about to do it, she needs to tell you. If there is something in her/your life that is making her do this, she needs to tell you. Basically 100% honesty is the only action that will turn this around. You need to have 100% access to her email, facebook, phone, location, etc. without question. She has broken the trust repeatedly so is not worthy of trust, and she needs to realize what that means and what it has done to the relationship.

But make it a commitment to get through together and that these limits and rules are out of love; then you might be able to get past this eventually and rebuild that trust and relationship. If she cannot break the addiction and cycle then you are still young. I was 23 when I was married the first time and these issues started when I was 24. We finally divorced when I was 32, I wish I had not waited so long as it was clear she would not change. She said that the physical affair did not happen until the last time, but I am 100% certain that was a lie as well and it happened back at the beginning as well.

 

[Christian.39]

Thanks so much to everyone who has contributed to this post. You all, each and every one, have been a blessing to me in this time.

We are separated now and she is saying that she wasn’t happy enough with me. I’m pretty sure she is with the ex tonite. But honestly, I feel like God is answering my prayers and giving me a peace that is stronger than I’ve ever encountered. I believe that no matter what, God knows my future and ALL things will work to my good because I seek the Lord. Please pray for me so that the devil doesn’t wreck my mind like I know he wants to. Thank you all

 

[tampasteve]

Keep strong, brother; you are in my prayers.

If she comes back, make sure she knows in no uncertain terms that counseling is a must and full disclosure and honesty are a hard line. She must come clean about everything that happened before and during the separation.

If she does not come back and the separation is permanent, take solace that it happened so quickly and did not drag on for years. You can find someone that you trust completely and does not make you worry. As I said before, your post was as if I were reading my own from a few years ago. Now I am married to an incredible woman that is completely trust worthy, and the marriage is so much better. No worrying who she is talking to or texting, no going through search history or call records.

God is with you, draw close to him in this time and you will be blessed.

 

[Ing Bee]

Thanks so much to everyone who has contributed to this post. You all, each and every one, have been a blessing to me in this time.

We are separated now and she is saying that she wasn’t happy enough with me. I’m pretty sure she is with the ex tonite. But honestly, I feel like God is answering my prayers and giving me a peace that is stronger than I’ve ever encountered. I believe that no matter what, God knows my future and ALL things will work to my good because I seek the Lord. Please pray for me so that the devil doesn’t wreck my mind like I know he wants to. Thank you all

May the God of all hope comfort you with the knowledge of his care and love in Christ. This is not the end of the story He is telling through your life. Are you in a community of Christian family that can help you? I pray for you in your situation knowing that God's agape love never fails.

 

[Endeavourer]

Christian brother, here is an article that describes the path ahead of you if you are married to a spouse who intends to cheat and seeks out ways to cheat (serial cheater).

What to Do with a Serial Cheater

"So whenever the spouse of someone with multiple affairs asks me what he or she can do to help save their marriage, I must tell them that the procedures we recommend will work for those who want to stop cheating. Our program will help them achieve that objective. But if they don’t want to follow our program, I have to assume that they will continue to have affairs for the rest of their lives. And their spouses should assume the same thing. To avoid the suffering that comes with infidelity, I encourage them to divorce as soon as possible."