Ok, here is everything that bothers me.

[but'n'ben]

I'm going to tell you everything that troubles me. I can say everything now because of this sub forum. People here understand what my thoughts are. This might be a long post.

Some of you may know my story. My life went downhill ever since my boyf broke up with me almost 3 months ago. We were together for 2 years. His reasons were varied and changed often. But, I eventually got the truth from him. He has a lot of trouble at home because his family are going through a tough time at the moment. But also, he is already a year out of uni and is still in his part time student job. He has a lot of pressure and admits he wasn't treating me well. (when i say this, I mean that he couldn't make time for me. he never hurt me or anything) I was hurt because he told me often that he loved me and I believed it. I said to him when we broke up that I thought he loved me. he said he did love me, but times change and people change. I said if he did truly love me, it wouldn't just fade like his did. He said love is feeling affection for someon. I told him that if he wants a real definition of love to look in the bible and then ask himself if that's that love he felt for me.

I was a Christian before this relationship began so please don't think I've only turned to God when I'm in trouble. Throughout the relationship I would pray and praise God for getting us together (it happened in a way I suppose could only have been from God. Neither of us could have planned it) I also spoke to God and told Him how things were with me and my ex. I never forgot about God as soon as I got what I longed for.

We broke up one week before my end of semester exams at university. I still tried to revise but it was very difficult. I sat the exams and barely knew what I was writing. My last one I walked out on because I had wrote an irrelevant answer. I told my ex about the exams because he asked. he didn't know tht my coursework wasn't very good and the exams were very important for me getting into honours. Well, I got my results in and scraped a pass but my hopes of getting into my honours year and as god as gone. At the time, i think my ex felt guilty cos he apologised for the bad timing. I'm not too bothered with uni anymore. I'm dreading going back but I feel I have to because my parents are so proud of me being there. I come from an area where most people drop out of school at 14 and live off the state for the rest of their lives. I was once desperate to make my parents proud, but now I just don't care. I'm so unhappy.

I wanted to quit my job-I work with my ex. I tried many times to get jbs elsewhere but had no luck. I managed to get a form to a place where I had been offered a job once before but before I could hand my notice into my current job, i was offered promotion. I accepted it because it offers me a lot of responsibility. No pay increase which Im not bothered about but a good thing to put on my CV for later years. So, I guess God wants me to stay where I am. I found out recently that my ex put me forward for the promotion because it was his job, but he got moved deptsand so there was a vacancy. He recommended me. He still wants to be friends but I can't just act like there was never anything between us. Not when I still love him so much it hurts and tears me apart.

There were other factors around this time which thankfully have been taken care of. My brother was acting out and rebelling against everything in the house. My mother had to go in for a major operation which she coped well through. It was like a domino effect. One thing after another starting off with the break up.

Now, what it has come down to. I have been praying sooo much and reading the bible as often as I can. There have been some people here who say they've prayed on my behalf and received no answers to what will happen in my life. I'm not looking for predictions, just for God to give me a sign. Anything. Just to show me that he hears me. I pray to silence and it's so frustrating. It's culminated in my seriously contemplating suicide. I have the pills in my room. I jst can't bring myself to abandon God. I have been rejected al my life. Not just by my ex but by mostly everyone. Everyone, at one time or another, has left me to fend for myself. I don't want to reject God like some others do because I fear Him. I don't want to go to hell and I can't hurt my mother by comitting suicide.

I know it won't help, but I don't see another way out. i did at one time-God but He won't answer me or show me that path to take. I have tried to let go and let Him guide me but how am I supposed to when I still have to work with my ex? How can I be calm and positive when my ex smiles at me or acts the way he did before we split up? Whenever he does this, I think to myself that maybe he wants to give things another go, but it never works out like that.

I know you'll say that I should be seeking God and not an earthly man but I have. I have tried so much but how can silence motivate someone? I feel like I'm going mad and asking if there really is anyone out there to hear me. It's all very well people on here saying they hear God and that He does exist, but I need some help. I don't want God to appear before me and tel me exactly what's going to happen. But why not a dream or something. Just to say "I'll take care of you. Don't worry." I have never heard these words before from anyone.

So what if this is a test? Is God wanting me to see if I'll cling to Him through everything? That I will persevere through the silence? If so, I think that has been proven. I need Him more than ever, but I have always prayed to Him since I was young.

Or is it Satan testing me like he did Job? There is a difference between me and Job. Job had wealth and success. God had made him sucessful. The only thing I had was God and my ex. Now all I have is God, and even he won't answer me. How desperate do I need to be? I said to God, in prayer, that it's come down to a simple choice for me. I told Him that if I had any indication that He heard me, or that me and my ex will work things out then I would be happy to wait and let Him guide me. I told Him that it hurts speaking to silence and if things aren't going to work out then I wanted to die. Needless to say, silence is deafening.

Doe God maybe think that if he lets me and my ex get back together i will forget about Him? That could never happen. If me and my ex do work things out it will be a miracle and I will have no choice but to praise God and I will never doubt again. I'm not on anti-depressants or have had counselling. It seems stupid as a break up is hardly counselling material.

Please don't say things like: everyone goes through heartbreak and it gets easier. It doesn't, it gets harder everyday. People have said-God does help and he hears you but I find this hard to believe just now. Silence doesn't convince and more pain doesn't boost faith. I'm not blaiming God for everything that's happened. Like I said, it might be Satan. I just can't take anymore. I need Him to help me and I hope sooner rather than later because I want to die.

 

[PathOfLight]

.

 

[PathOfLight]

Butn'Ben, God doesn't test us to insure our faithfulness. He isn't like the bf/gf who "tests" us to insure we are loyal. God says somewhere in the Old Testament that "Your ways our not my ways, and your thoughts are not my thoughts". (I can't remember where this was written, so if anyone out there knows, please correct me). In any case, he doesn't think like we do.

Did you know that there is nothing that you can do that surprises God? NOTHING. It's not like God says, "I created the universe, parted the Red Sea for Moses, but I had NO IDEA that you were going to do this or that." Uh...no...that's just not God. It is written in the Bible that he knows exactly how many hairs are on your head -- LITERALLY. (Again, I can't remember where, so if anyone knows....) God doesn't test our faithfulness for his own pleasure, security or interests. For one, he is not selfish like natural humans; second, he ALREADY knows how faithful we are from way, way way, before the we are even born.

Your trouble is your heartbreak obviously. I know...Its tough...I'm not going to tell you anything that I think you already know. I know though, when we break up with someone, we ask ourselves questions like, "How can something so good turn out so bad", or "Why is love so painful?".

Hmm...well...what is "true love?" I mean we Christians are taught about it all the time, and we are taught to love everyone all the time. Its one of the main pillars! But then, why are we sometimes confused about it?

It feels like we can fly when that special guy or girl comes into our lives and makes us feel special. WE convince OURSELVES that we can totally depend on this person and that person will be there no matter what -- in all circumstances, and especially when we really, really feel we need them (if it were really "true" love right?) It's an amazing feeling isn't it? Its quite euphoric, romantic, super self-esteem boosting, adventurous in a way, and...blindly addictive. It is such a heart-enriching experience that, at times, we do anything just to taste the scent of what we think of as "true love". Some of us become utterly dependent on it. Some of us get become mentally/spiritually unhealthy or bitter when we lose it. Some of us even full knowingly get into bad relationships that we are conciously aware can only end with the selfish destruction of our own (and others') sanity. Is this really "true love"?

"The heart is decietful, wicked, and trecherous, who can know it?" -- Jerimiah ??, verse ?? (again if anyone knows, cause I can't remeber...) Unlike what the world says, true love doesn't come from trusting our own human heart. Our hearts are not a sancuary by default...it is filled with many evil things, evil desires. Follow your heart and you will see selfishness, bitterness, and sorrow surface in your thoughts and actions -- and you know what? Most of the time you will not even know it is happening. No...the world does not know "true love"...doesn't have a clue, never has. The world has never seen it. We wash it down so much with movies that we confuse it with selfishness (ie: "I love you all I can and you turn your back on me? How dare you!). We confuse it with lust. We confuse it with affection.

You see, true love comes ONLY from the heart of God. He bestows it as a gift to those who accept. Unlike our version of love, His does not blind reason. Nor does it cause anxiety it may be gone tomorrow. This you know. But think just one more time about it. Why then is it that we cannot hear God? Why doesn't he answer us? How can we accept his love when sometimes it seems he doesn't see us?

Well...do we really listen to God? (stupid question...of course we do!) We pray and pray, and commit to following him. Yet prayers seem to go unanswered. We say with our mouths that we will do whatever he asks without question. Yet we seem to recieve no instruction. Why? Just a sign will do...any sign -- some signal he cares for us...that is out there...watching, listening.

Butn'Ben, my friend, look around you. The signs are all there. Hundreds, even thousands, of people in your town drop out of school and end up mowing through their lives....but not you! Oh no, no, no....you are going to university, and you are going to build something special with your life. You had 2 job ops, and you are making your own money. And you have parents, who LOVE and are PROUD of you! Can you not see how much God loves you and is watching out for you?

I know these things are easy to take for granted. We all dissmiss things like this. Everyone does it, everywhere...all the time. It is our sinful nature. We do not see the wonderful blessings God gives us each day...we only want more (Again...the heart is decietful and wicked). But believe me, once these things are gone, we really see just how important they are. Anything could have happened on the operating table. Yet your mother is coping and recovering and still can see you make something of your life. She can and wants to still share your her life with you! What a wonderful blessing from God...what else can a person ask for?

Remember the 5000 people who followed Jesus? When they saw he fed them all with only a dozen loaves and a few fish? The people were amazed. Picture it: 5000 people and he fed them all with a no more than a bakery rack. They stood in amazement like how people gape in awe after a David Copperfield magic act. "This is the Son of God," they cried. They probably even proclaimed, with their own mouths, that they would follow Jesus to the end of the earth. When Jesus then spoke of eating of his flesh and drinking of his blood, they all left -- turn their backs on him. They did not want to believe they needed a savior. They wanted to believe they can achieve salvation on their own (good deeds, laws of Moses, etc.)....but hey, at least they enjoyed the "magic act". But we do the same thing: we pray that we will commit to him and do whatever he says...but, in the back of our mind what we want is for him to help us do it OUR way, to get what WE want. Jesus is not a sideshow magician, nor a genie. He is our giver of life.

After the crowd left Jesus, he turned to his disciples and said something like, "What will you do?" The disciples responded something to the effect of, "You are our Lord, we have followed you from the start and will keep doing so." Then Jesus said, "Have I not chosen you to follow me?" (btw...none of the quotes above were exact words, I am just doing this from memory...so correct me.)

You see, we do not choose God. He chooses us. Please do not throw that away, and please do not throw away any of the other blessings He gives. I know its hard right now, but do not hold God hostage by saying you will end your life if it doesn't go a certain way. Your spirit and life in God is the biggest blessing.

When you think of your heartbreak, think of Jesus hanging on the cross bleeding, broken and beaten down, flesh torn from whips and spikes, the world cursing him (and 2000 years later, the world still curses him, if you notice). Know that he knew all of this was going to happen. Then think of him saying to you, "I did it for you my child, I did it all for you. I don't want anything from you....I don't need anything from you. I only want you to spend eternity with me in paradise. It is your choice to believe in me, I do not force you."

Then see if you can't help but see all the wonderful gifts that he gives our unworthy souls that we didn't see before. See if you can't help but realize the joy of it all, even amist pain. See if you can't say "Jesus knows my pain, and he feels my heartbreak" and/or "I am going to celebrate following Christ to the end no matter good or bad." Jesus didn't die so you can feel heartbreak...but he knows its still really tough...but just try seeing it this way. I mean really seeing his love. Then see if you can't help sharing that love with your boyfriend, mother, father, brother...

And that, Butn'Ben, IS true love. You will see that you will have a happy mind no matter what happens, whether you work things out with your ex or not. No matter what people do to you, you will still feel love for them and yourself. His love will spring from you like a well.

 

[but'n'ben]

That's where my problem comed from though. Maybe I didn't put this in my first post..everything seemed to come out at once. My parents divorced. My father didn't acknowledge my birthday until after it was past. My brother does not talk to me except to ask me for money. My mother is fed up hearing about my problems. She has her own and mine are just more for her to worry about. My boyfriend is no longer my boyfriend. he knows how I feel yet does not seem to care very much. I have no real friends...only workmates and internet friends.

I know God cares for me. I know I'm fortunate and he's looking after me. But if I had any indication that me and my ex would work things out I would probably float away with happiness. I would be far less anxious and miserable because I have God's word taht He will help me. But if not, then I can try and forget about my ex and concentrate on my future. You're right though. Everything stems from the breakup. Nothing mattered after we split up.
What I feel for my ex is human love, not lust. Maybe he only felt lust for me but I did and do love him. I know I seem selfish and like I'm only looking after number 1 and maybe I am, but I can't help who I fall in love with.

 

[PathOfLight]

Did everything start after the break up? I am wondering cause I hear that countless times from a variety of people. It is most likely that your perception is altering your view or reality. You see, often times when one thing is really bad all things seem really bad. When things are good, it seems all things are good.

Anyway...I don't mean to say that you felt lust for him or he felt lust for you. I mean to say that we confuse in our minds some of the things we feel.

There was once a good Christian mentor of mine that told me something very valuable. At time time I had similar problems as yourself. You see, my father is an alcholic, my grades were failing...etc. I said I felt like is that I was sitting down and 1 by 1, wooden walls come in from all sides boxing me in. Issue after issue, problem after problem, boxing me in. And I start yelling for someone outside the box to help. He told me I am looking in the wrong place for help. I cannot wait for a person someone coming to rescue me from the box. It must be an explosion from within to PUSH OUT the walls. It must be an explosion detonated by God within me. He was right.

Your mother has some problems of her own. Sit down and talk with her sometimes about them. Your father didn't acknowledge your birthday. Maybe make lunch for him or get him something small to say thank you for remembering, albeit late. Your brother only asks to borrow money. Try seeing what he is up to and initiate a talk with him. Ya I know...I know this is really, really hard to do when you are having problems of your own. Try to do these things out of the love of God.

Please don't think that I'm making you think that your selfish...you aren't. At least not anymore selfish than the rest of us. That is not what I am trying to say at all. Remember what the Bible says about the heart being decietful? It is filled with sin. We often look for things in other people which they cannot provide, and feel failure in them and ourselves when that happens. God's heart is exact opposite...he gives and gives, no matter what. And if you follow him, you will see that you will feel just how much things can change.

 

[TheMainException]

You are right...it does get harder...it won't be any easier...you'll probably have to deal with your pain for the rest of your life...but God IS there...he DOES care, and he WILL ALWAYS care...he'll never let you go...even when you let him go. Some people take breakups very hard, and it could be that you need some counselling just for other issues that are relating to how you are feeling. God is listening and most likely he is saying 'wait my child, the time will come...I do love you, I will never forget you, leave you, or forsakeyou. You are mine and I love you forever. I am molding you into a great new creation...but it takes time to make you beautiful...wait for the time to come when you can stand up and say to the world, "look at me, I'm beautiful!" I will use you in this time of struggle to move others to me...you will save many even though you don't know who they are. Keep going, don't end it all now...I'm there, we're gonna make it, it's okay buddy, we're gonna make it, keep going, it'll be okay...stay by my side...I love you!" He does love you, keep going, you are changing lives by being an open vessel for Christ.

 

[but'n'ben]

Well today things got a whole lot worse...I got in from work after a 10 hour shift to a torrid of verbal abuse from my mum. She said I am lazy and don't do anything. She said I am an ignorant b*tch and do nothing. She said that I'm the cause of her problems.

I am up at 5am. I start at 6am. I work until 5 pm. When I get home the first thing I have to do is the housework. I am lucky if I get something to eat during the day because I never stop working yet I'm lazy.

So, I'm going to see about a flat tomorrow and I'm moving out. I've had enough. I wil have to drop out of uni to pay for it but I can't take this any longer.

 

[PathOfLight]

That's not a bad idea. Take a breather from Uni for while. Give yourself some time away from others, give yourself a chance to take on more responsibility, and free up a little freedom in your life. How long have you been living at home? I am just wondering because sometimes if you live at home for too long, it starts to get you you. It might probably be healthy to try to get back on your own two again. Remember to try not to spend to much time alone though, cause then it causes you to keep thinking about little things over and over.

You might want to check out some housing around your Uni. Some campuses allocate a segment of their apartments for the general public (so you don't have to necessarily be a "student" to live on campus, provided you meet wome other qualifications), so you might want to look into that also. If not, most cities usually have some cheap, reasonably good rooms just outside the college premises that fit within a "student" budget. Good luck!