My Eighteen Year Old Daughter Is Being Encouraged By Her Mom To Drop Out And Get A GED

[Sketcher]

Something tells me this is a very personal issue for you!

Wasn't 'Sketcher' an obscure film about a girl who went a bit schizo?

My username has no relation to any film.

It's not a "very personal" issue for me, I'm just calling how I'm seeing it based on what OP has shared.

 

[JazzHands]

My username has no relation to any film.

It's not a "very personal" issue for me, I'm just calling how I'm seeing it based on what OP has shared.

Apologies, it was 'scribbler'.. who knew!

That's very pragmatic of you!

Problem is, telling a teenage girl that she can't have a boyfriend doesn't seem to demonstrate backbone so much as overreaching for control.

Did you ask him what his motive was?

 

[Boidae]

My username has no relation to any film.

It's not a "very personal" issue for me, I'm just calling how I'm seeing it based on what OP has shared.

There are things that I didn't post, choices that she made when she was still with her mom before coming to me that lead me to say no boyfriend. I didn't just say it because I was "overreaching for control" as you put it.

Even last year while she was here with me, I did allow her to have a boyfriend, three through the course of the year to be exact. All three were abusive. One both verbally and physically, and two verbally. When the relationships started to go bad, her grades would suffer. When the relationships ended, she would give me a hard time about going to school. Over the summer, even there was a no boy in the house rule, she snuck a boy in and I only caught her because I picking up a patient from the nursing home behind us and I had time and my partner wanted to meet my dog as she had seen pictures of him, but never met him in person and she is a huge dog person.

I had reasons for saying no boyfriend for her senior year that had nothing to do with control.

 

[Boidae]

Apologies, it was 'scribbler'.. who knew!

That's very pragmatic of you!



Did you ask him what his motive was?

I just gave some reasons, but not all because some of it is not really for me to tell behind her back.

 

[JazzHands]

My username has no relation to any film.

It's not a "very personal" issue for me, I'm just calling how I'm seeing it based on what OP has shared.

Hope you're feeling a bit silly now Sketcher!

 

[Sketcher]

There are things that I didn't post, choices that she made when she was still with her mom before coming to me that lead me to say no boyfriend. I didn't just say it because I was "overreaching for control" as you put it.

Even last year while she was here with me, I did allow her to have a boyfriend, three through the course of the year to be exact. All three were abusive. One both verbally and physically, and two verbally. When the relationships started to go bad, her grades would suffer. When the relationships ended, she would give me a hard time about going to school. Over the summer, even there was a no boy in the house rule, she snuck a boy in and I only caught her because I picking up a patient from the nursing home behind us and I had time and my partner wanted to meet my dog as she had seen pictures of him, but never met him in person and she is a huge dog person.

I had reasons for saying no boyfriend for her senior year that had nothing to do with control.

Thank you for the additional information. Clearly she doesn't make good decisions with males, and it seems you have good motives. What is equally if not more important than your motives is how she sees what you are trying to do for her. If it looks like ultra-authoritarianism to her, it might as well be and she will react accordingly. Based on what you have shared about her that I can remember, that may well be how she is seeing it. Making this worse is the sense of normalcy she may well have around bad relationships and GEDs rather than diplomas.

 

[JazzHands]

Thank you for the additional information. Clearly she doesn't make good decisions with males, and it seems you have good motives. What is equally if not more important than your motives is how she sees what you are trying to do for her. If it looks like ultra-authoritarianism to her, it might as well be and she will react accordingly. Based on what you have shared about her that I can remember, that may well be how she is seeing it. Making this worse is the sense of normalcy she may well have around bad relationships and GEDs rather than diplomas.

That's more like it... I concur!

 

[Boidae]

Thank you for the additional information. Clearly she doesn't make good decisions with males, and it seems you have good motives. What is equally if not more important than your motives is how she sees what you are trying to do for her. If it looks like ultra-authoritarianism to her, it might as well be and she will react accordingly. Based on what you have shared about her that I can remember, that may well be how she is seeing it. Making this worse is the sense of normalcy she may well have around bad relationships and GEDs rather than diplomas.

Thank you! I believe that you are correct.

 

[Boidae]

That's more like it... I concur!

Thank you for all your posts.

 

[JazzHands]

Thank you for all your posts.

You're most welcome my friend!

 

[section9+1]

Most of the advice here seems pretty good. She's 18 and her own person. Let her know the door is always open if she wants to return, but it's your house and your terms, not hers. No one changes until they have to, so let her fly on her own. Most youngsters will straighten up on their own as time goes by. She will be damaged, but she can still make her way and do well.

 

[Silly Uncle Wayne]

My daughter went back to her mom in Upstate NY because she felt I was too controlling. I may have been a little strict, but she also came from a household (her mother’s) where there were no rules at all. She was free to do as she wished.

That resulted in her failing high school two years in a row for ninth and tenth grades. She had issues with boys up there as well that resulted in cops and a court case.

She came down here in August of 2017 at 16. She had been warned by no less than five people that I am not her mom and that I am strict. She said she is fine with that and so my step-dad and I drove up to get her. Lots of head butting ensued because she was not used to rules. She was grounded, alot. However, in just one year she went from being a tenth grader to entering high school this August as a senior and was on track to graduate.

She turned 18 on November 1st and on November 2nd she never came home and stated that she was moving out because I am too controlling. I think it had something to do with a boyfriend because I wouldn’t allow to her to have a boyfriend until after she graduated. I needed her to focus on school and not boys. Last year she had three boyfriends even when I told her she wasn’t allowed. Each time her grades took a hit because she would have problems with them. Then when they broke up, I had to force her to go to school because she didn’t want to go because of the boyfriends. So, this year I told her none until she graduates.

I had also told her that the rules will remain the same at 18 as they were when she was 17 because she is still under my roof.

Two weeks after she moved out, she ended up going back to her mom in Upstate, NY.

She has six months till she graduates and I cannot believe her mom is encouraging her to drop out and get her GED, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Her mom never graduated, her mom’s brother dropped out in ninth grade do to mental health issues. My oldest son dropped out in ninth grade and never got his GED. He too lives in Upstate, NY.

I am at a loss for what to do. Her mom doesn’t want to listen to me and generally just shuts me out. I have been praying. I just want her to graduate high school and do better than me.

I think that all you can do is pray.

Any measure of discipline should have one goal only: to tach a child to self-discipline. for some that is harder than others and in this case the extra discipline seems necessary to make up for so much past laxity. One can only hope that you have managed to install something that will make her rethink the direction her life is taking.

Sadly in this day and age it seems to be the norm to let children have their own way all the time and they do not learn the skills of self-disciple as a result.

Keep praying.

 

[Hazelelponi]

My daughter went back to her mom in Upstate NY because she felt I was too controlling. I may have been a little strict, but she also came from a household (her mother’s) where there were no rules at all. She was free to do as she wished.

That resulted in her failing high school two years in a row for ninth and tenth grades. She had issues with boys up there as well that resulted in cops and a court case.

She came down here in August of 2017 at 16. She had been warned by no less than five people that I am not her mom and that I am strict. She said she is fine with that and so my step-dad and I drove up to get her. Lots of head butting ensued because she was not used to rules. She was grounded, alot. However, in just one year she went from being a tenth grader to entering high school this August as a senior and was on track to graduate.

She turned 18 on November 1st and on November 2nd she never came home and stated that she was moving out because I am too controlling. I think it had something to do with a boyfriend because I wouldn’t allow to her to have a boyfriend until after she graduated. I needed her to focus on school and not boys. Last year she had three boyfriends even when I told her she wasn’t allowed. Each time her grades took a hit because she would have problems with them. Then when they broke up, I had to force her to go to school because she didn’t want to go because of the boyfriends. So, this year I told her none until she graduates.

I had also told her that the rules will remain the same at 18 as they were when she was 17 because she is still under my roof.

Two weeks after she moved out, she ended up going back to her mom in Upstate, NY.

She has six months till she graduates and I cannot believe her mom is encouraging her to drop out and get her GED, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Her mom never graduated, her mom’s brother dropped out in ninth grade do to mental health issues. My oldest son dropped out in ninth grade and never got his GED. He too lives in Upstate, NY.

I am at a loss for what to do. Her mom doesn’t want to listen to me and generally just shuts me out. I have been praying. I just want her to graduate high school and do better than me.

I'm answering this as a parent whose been through the teenage years with two children.

Dealing with divorce isn't easy, especially when one parent is a bad parent yet not so bad that they still end up as an influence in the child's life. In such a situation you end up needing to be both parents, and hoping your goodness outweighs the others bad. Not easy.

But no matter what, by the time your child is an adult there is nothing you can do but be there as steady as a rock and pick up the pieces if and when there are pieces to pick up.

By the time they hit this age, all you can do is give your opinion of their poor decisions allowing them to make them and hopefully, learn from their mistakes.

In a few years after she's hit a rock bottom hopefully she will come back around. She spent a couple years living with you so she's had time to get to know you, and see a different life than her mother provides. At 18 that's all you can do if she wishes to go and do the wrong thing.

While a slightly different situation than yours, when my daughter hit college age she had a trust fund set up for college, but it was set up that the trust provided all her college expenses as they occurred (tuition, books, housing, transportation if needed.. all costs) and then whatever was left she would get when she graduated - OR - when she turned 21 the trust would be cashed out and given to her in whole.

I was proud that my children had a trust for college. I worked hard to give them that; it was something I had wished for myself - a paid for college education.

So what did my daughter do? She waited til she was 21 and cashed it out.. lol. I was SO upset. She was smart with it, she bought a home and a car, but I had planned college and felt like she was throwing away opportunity and potentially destroying her future... (as I'm sure you'd understand my feeling there!)

I fought with her over that... now, in my daughters case it worked out for her. We found out a year after that she had cancer, and a year later she died... she for her I really was happy she had something she wanted before she died - her own home and a home for her children.. so it wasn't all bad.

But teenage girls (and I was one myself) can be some of the most difficult creatures on earth to parent. My son? He was a paragon of self control through His teenage years.. lol. A teenage saint compared to the handful my daughter was.. hahaha

So my advice to you? All you can do is be there for her at this point.. we speak, we give advice and our opinions, but they usually won't do what we advise them to, and will end up learning the hard way.

But you? Just make sure you don't have regrets with how you spoke to her, just in case. You never know what the future holds.

So be there. And yes, sometimes you will cry for her and wonder where you went so wrong. .. but it's okay - our best is good enough because our best is all we have to give them. .


On a happy note, your grandchildren will turn out much like you! Haha..

 

[EzekielsWheels]

My thing about a GED is that from her mom down, no one has graduated other than me. I don’t want her to fall into the same pattern. Her older brother failed the GED test and now cannot get a job even at McDonald’s. He works a paper route that his grandmother has to drive him for.

If she fails that, she will not be encouraged to take it again by no one other than me.

I pray that she finishes school and also that she be submissive to her father.