Ministry to Spouses

[johnd]

Perhaps I have misunderstood what this forum is about. Presuming it is not a forum for husband and wife ministry teams, I will proceed with ministry to spouses.

This past Christmas my wife and I celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary. So, much of what I have to share is experiential. Too many marriage advice books and columns are written by those who have never been married, are newly wed, or have been to the altar many times.

We have made many mistakes over the years, nearly all of which were at variance with what the Bible has to say on the subject. We are Spirit-filled believers but we are only human.

My younger brother and I had a conversation about 10 years ago on marriage. We both grew up in a home headed by our widowed / divorcee mother (who was married to husband number five, the last I heard). Jed was engaged in those days to his current wife. That engagement ended up being 12 years in length because he was uncertain and did not want to make the mistakes our mother had. It was not only that, but he wanted a "biblical" wife which from his description sounded more like he was looking for a door mat than a wife.

I tried to tactfully instruct him that no such woman existed, except for an under developed / needy woman who would need him to baby sit her through every situation.

He then said he was not sure if he was in love with the girl he was engaged to. She was nuts about Jed. She hyper-ventilated every time he even hinted at breakuing up with him.

I explained to him that some folks never fall in love (that "feeling" or fireworks or however it is described). And I told him that even if you had that feeling for someone it does not mean that person is right for you or good for you. We both knew a friend who fell head over heels in love with a bar fly, and she led him around by the nose bilking him for money while she slept around as much as she always had.

Jed was engaged to a good woman. She is a believer and was going to medical school at the time. In fact, I'm convinced that the decisive factor for Jed to go through with marrying her was on her graduation day. They called out her maiden name "Dr. So-N-So" and on her way back down from the podium she looked directly at my brother and said "It could have been Dr. De Baptiste."

Shortly afterward they were married. She is in practice, he is in his consulting firm and they have 1 son and 3 daughters.

My point?

Love is a multi-level thing. Some, like my sister-in-law, know at once "this is the one" others like my brother have to grow into it. It is more or less being at different levels or stages of love.

And what separates love from lust (or as some call it"puppy love" or "a crush" ) is commitment. Love has at it's base a devoted commitment often expressed in marriage vows "to cherish, honor, and obey till death do us part..." rather than "till something better comes along..."

Love is also self less. Lust craves and gives only with regard for getting. Love gives with no regard for getting.

Some wedding vows exclude "obey" from them which is sad. It is not intended to convey the woman only obeys the man for both made the vow to obey. It was not even an obedience like being told what to do and doing it, but rather the representation of selflessness. If both are obeying the other a mutual commitment and service to one another is in place.

I am a man of limited means. If I had the ability, I would give my wife her every hearts' desire. And she mine.

What works in marriage is a dogmatic commitment and giving 100 % as though you were never going to get anything in return. When both do this marriage blossoms and is sustained.

Feelings of romance, affection, even love rise and fall like a roller coaster ride. But the commitment and giving keep marriage on track.

 

[johnd]

God ordained marriage before any other institution, governmmental or even religious. It was to perpetuate the human race, of course, but it was also to protect the human race individually and as a whole.

The human race suffers from a fallen sin nature, and there are spiritual forces arrayed against humanity. These things are in an almost concerted effort to undermine or destoy the basic family unit, and at the center of that target is marriage.

Setting aside many things we all have said or done which we wish we could take back for a later posting, the assault from outside the marriage is what I am going to focus on here.

Ladies and gentlemen, the world it seems, is trying to tear apart your marriage. Beware this. People you know that you know that you know are on your side and for the sanctity of your marriage are only fallen human beings and there might be an angle somewhere somehow that even they could not be trusted.

It is wisely said that marriage is a triad consisting of God, husband, and wife. No one and nothing outside that triad is to be trusted implicitly with the wellbeing of that marriage.

This alone is reason enough not to make marriage jokes or cracks or complaints about your spouse before others. It is also one of many important reasons why we must be extremely careful with whom we confide information (if any).

Take literally the statement:

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

There are things as an individual that you tell no one about... that only God and you know about. How much more should this be the case with an "individual" marriage. There are things only God and wife and husband ought to know.

So zip the lips.

 

[johnd]

It has been well said that people are no darned good. There are men who would shatter your home and break up your family just to be able to sleep with your wife. There are women who would break up your home and family only to boost her ego that she could have your husband.

Have I got your attention?

Good.

I humbly state that I am a keen observer, and my wife and I have confided much about the nature of our genders. So I know of what I post here.

It has been said that "all things plutonic only are so until the right moment arises." A very good rule of thumb is to avoid cross-gendered relations as much as possible. Even in the Church. Even on this message board. Emotional affairs which can easily lead to sexual affairs often begin with lending a helping hand or a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. It can even start with rescuing a damsel in distress.

It's because of our nature, so beware.

We need to exercise good old fashioned arms lengthiness... keeping certain people and situations "at arms length." It avoids a million and one pitfalls.

 

[johnd]

Today we live in an age of no taboos. Inappropriate actions, speech, and dress litter the landscape.

These all have the effect of tearing down marriage relationships. They may not seem to at first, but they do.

 

[meganahan]

It is wisely said that marriage is a triad consisting of God, husband, and wife. No one and nothing outside that triad is to be trusted implicitly with the wellbeing of that marriage.

Wow. That is a very big, impressive, important statement to me for a bunch of reasons. Thank you for the post.

 

[johnd]

Wow. That is a very big, impressive, important statement to me for a bunch of reasons. Thank you for the post.

Thank you, and welcome to the mesage board.

 

[johnd]

One of the things I wanted to focus on is the emotional affair.

An emotional affair lies in the shadows. It hides from the light of day, and avoids spousal confrontation / detection at all cost... yet in most cases those who commit emotional affairs deny it is an affair at all.

The Bible says to flee fornication (sexual immorality). In the Greek fornication is "porneia" which was a sign that was posted over brothels that meant "anything you wanted." Just so we understand here the word has a broad number of meanings.

We are to flee because we have little or no natural resistance to this temptation. That in time, eventually, most will be worn down to compromise to some degree or another.

Speaking of the temptress the Bible says:

Proverbs 7:26 For she has cast down many wounded, And all who were slain by her were strong men.

It is not gender exclusive. Many men pursue the "the every day house wife who gave up the good life..." and are neglected by their husbands or their husbands are gone for many hours or many days working to make a living or the wife has to work too and in addition to running the house she has little help or time for hubby. In comes slick Sedrick (or whoever) with a sympathetic ear, and in time she's in over her head. Or reverse it with the female who appreciates the under appreciated male coworker.

Traps and pitfalls to be avoided at all costs.

 

[johnd]

They are quite good at what they do. I think of the aquadic life that sets a trap for fish by displaying it's tongue like a helpless worm. When the fish takes the bait, the trap is sprung as jaws larger and faster than the fish seem to come from nowhere and snap shut around the doomed fish.
People are essentially animals when it comes to sexuality. What I mean is the Bible teaches for men not to be enticed by the beauty of another woman... meaning she has beauty and can appeal to him even though he is married. The same is true about women. And it is entirely possible to have "chemistry" for someone other than your spouse.

It is part of the human make up that must be respected. Close quarters, late night deadlines, etc. If unavoidable, prepare to resist what may arise when you least expect it.

Billy Graham said of this aspect of humanity that it is not to be trusted. Far too many have trusted in the plutonic relationship and have been shocked to find where the ended up with that person. This is true for beiever and unbeliever alike. Mr. Graham to this day will not even ride in a car alone with a female who is not his wife or relative.

Overkill? Ask those who crossed the line of no return.

Oh, and don't be intimidated. If a man or woman approaches your boundary (not theirs, yours) and it may or may not be what you think it is, assume the worst and put them in their place. People are sneaky. They will say and do things uder the guise of uncertainty.

I have had many females give me that strange look "you took it the wrong way..." Fine. Even if it was something I mistook, she will know I stand my ground. And to be very careful in the future.

Admittedly, this has also triggered intrigue in some females (especially those who are used to men fawing all over them). In such cases, stand your ground and do not be afriad of making a scene or going to the boss if she will not leave you alone.

Remember ladies, this advice goes the other way around. I use mainly the pursuing female because it has been my experience but the pursuing male is just as conniving. In fact, one chap lost his job where I work for stalking a female.

The point of this is the sneaky men and women who try to start emotional and physical affairs often do their dirty work beneath the radar screen of propriety, and we have to be willing to be embarrassed or take steps to prevent their advances at times when they can drop back to the guise of misunderstanding.

In any case, it is worth it because you are protecting your marriage.

 

[QuiltAngel]

johnd,
Thanks for your thoughts and insights. I agree that God must be the third person in our marriages. We are assaulted from all angles and many times do not have close friends to confide in. God is that close friend for us. One who should be central and who we base our marriages on. Devotions, meditation and prayer are essential.

So many times one hears the amazement that sin is alive and well in our members, our churches and our church schools. I am not amazed. After all, who is it that Satan needs to reach, not the unbeliver, not the unrepentant; but the believer and one in a relationship with God.

 

[QuiltAngel]

johnd,
Thanks for your thoughts and insights. I agree that God must be the third person in our marriages. We are assaulted from all angles and many times do not have close friends to confide in. God is that close friend for us. One who should be central and who we base our marriages on. Devotions, meditation and prayer are essential.

So many times one hears the amazement that sin is alive and well in our members, our churches and our church schools. I am not amazed. After all, who is it that Satan needs to reach, not the unbeliver, not the unrepentant; but the believer and one in a relationship with God.

 

[newyorknewyork]

you have made some great posts about marriage

 

[Heart4Him]

Thank you for your insights on marriage and protecting it!
God Bless You

 

[bluemarkus]

thank you johnd

good stuff here