Letting God decide but many late losses

[sarah_egan]

I begged God not to let me get pregnant again if I was going to miscarry (again). I did get pregnant and God's answer was no. I lost my son Simon last week. My 3rd second trimester loss in a row. I have had 2 live births then 3 late losses.

We've prayed, and prayed and prayed and had many many many others praying with us too.

I don't think I can keep going like this. We've done (or are in the process of doing) every test that 3 different doctors could think of and nothing is wrong with me/us (although we're waiting on further test results it's unlikely they will yield any answers). But with 3 babies dying something is clearly wrong!

This losses has truly pushed my trust in God to the breaking point. I can't keep burying my children. I can't keep putting my oldest son through the pain of losing his siblings.

If you've never lost a child then you thankfully have no idea just how unbelievably devastating this is and losing more than one has been indescribably. The unhelpful words of "you can have more" ring untrue and also hurtful because My children, Zach, Toby and Simon are dead and I mourn them.

We want more children. I long for more children, but it kills a part of my heart that I won't get back each time one of them dies.

Any words of wisdom or thoughts or scripture would be very much appreciated.

 

[who93]

I so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious sons. I can't even begin to imagine how painful losing a child must be. You will see them again in heaven one day though. Try to take comfort in that.

When you are feeling low, just remember that God is good. Even in the midst of our despair, the character of God is unchanging. God is good and He loves us dearly. Make yourself a list of all of the good things God has done in your life and focus on those things when you are feeling discouraged. It won't bring your precious little ones back, but it may help you to get through those rough times. God bless!

 

[Sabertooth]

We lost one in '92. We trusted that God knew what He was doing, but had no clue why we were allowed to conceive without going full-term. God had given me four daughters' names before the first was born, but when it came time to name our third living DD, He told me that she was DD#4; that DD#3, Anastasia Nike (meaning "Resurrection's Victory"), was the one we lost.

So, I look forward to meeting her someday.

PS: If you haven't done this already, I've heard that it is good to name the children you lose, in order to come to terms with their loss. If you are not sure of their gender, a unisex name will work to that end.

 

[sarah_egan]

We lost one in '92. We trusted that God knew what He was doing, but had no clue why we were allowed to conceive without going full-term. God had given me four daughters' names before the first was born, but when it came time to name our third living DD, He told me that she was DD#4; that DD#3, Anastasia Nike (meaning "Resurrection's Victory"), was the one we lost.

So, I look forward to meeting her someday.

PS: If you haven't done this already, I've heard that it is good to name the children you lose, in order to come to terms with their loss. If you are not sure of their gender, a unisex name will work to that end.

They are all named. Zach, Toby and Simon. I held each of them, knew they were boys (because of how far into the pregnancies I was) etc, we took pictures. We had funerals and they are buried together in our church's cemetery. I put flowers on their headstones. I treated their deaths as if they were each 3 years old and what would I have done then because that's how it feels to me.

I was okay after my first loss. I held up after the 2nd. I'm not okay after my 3rd loss. I'm in a very bad, very raw place. 1 was bad enough. Multiply that by 100 and that's how approaching how much worse I feel from my first loss. I'm utterly devastated and shocked at how bad I am feeling. I've thought about if I could go back and just never have kids at all that I would to escape this pain. Even though that would mean erasing my 2 living sons.

Most people will thankfully never understand what it means to be in my shoes but for the few that I've found who have been here, they all agree. After the 3rd loss your soul just dies. That's how I'm feeling and I have no idea how I can let go and get pregnant again after this. I truly feel like anymore and it would kill me.

 

[sarah_egan]

We lost one in '92. We trusted that God knew what He was doing, but had no clue why we were allowed to conceive without going full-term. God had given me four daughters' names before the first was born, but when it came time to name our third living DD, He told me that she was DD#4; that DD#3, Anastasia Nike (meaning "Resurrection's Victory"), was the one we lost.

So, I look forward to meeting her someday.

PS: If you haven't done this already, I've heard that it is good to name the children you lose, in order to come to terms with their loss. If you are not sure of their gender, a unisex name will work to that end.

All right so a few weeks out and I'm starting to move past the initial anger and bitterness which is helping me see straight. My husband and I talked last night and we both want more children but we're both very afraid of losing more. I don't know how to get over that fear. It's not like someone can say to me that God will deliver us through a pregnancy. God can, but it doesn't mean He will. He's already not gotten us through 3 times. So despite our desire for children I'm thinking maybe we should take this as our hint that we're just not meant to and that the desire is OUR desire and not God's plan for us.

We're taking a break from being intimate to pray and reflect and see where we're being led, but I can't say that I'm going to trust it if I'm still feeling led to get pregnant. I'm just not able to get over this fear.

 

[Sabertooth]

Have your doctors had any natural insight to these losses? Is anything different about your health/diet/lifestyle between your successful pregnancies and your unsuccessful ones?

 

[sarah_egan]

Have your doctors had any natural insight to these losses? Is anything different about your health/diet/lifestyle between your successful pregnancies and your unsuccessful ones?

There are 2 big differences. After my fourth son (2nd loss) I got super healthy and figured out that I had food and environmental allergies that I'm sure I didn't have with my first, and if I had them with my second they were minor.

So 1) I eat really healthy now, mostly organic, etc (but that only affected my 5th son and it didn't keep him alive) and 2) I have allergies. Thus far doctors have dismissed the allergies. I got a name for a reproductive immunologist. My allergist agreed with me that it might be good to see him. I meet with my perinatologist on Friday again to discuss stuff. I doubt he's going to have anything new for me. We've been through all of the major and a lot of the minor testing and everything is fine except it isn't fine or they wouldn't keep dying.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

Hello Sarah,

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses Though I have not miscarried I do know the pain of infertility. There is a thriving infertility community online ranging from women like myself who have been TTCing for years, to women struggling with secondary infertility, and to those who struggle with miscarriage. Stirrup Queens has a blog roll dealing with pregnancy loss that you may find helpful. Again, I'm so sorry to hear of your recent losses.

 

[svl3p]

I'm so sorry for your losses..I can't imagine the pain..I'll be praying for you and your family.