Hi all,
Just discovered this section; and I'd like to step up and say that I am a former schizophrenic (former by the grace of God). I invite any questions people might have, because I know there was a whole lot about this I had no clue of until a year ago; and I invite Chris and anybody else who's suffering to chat with me if ever you want to.
I refer to myself as schizophrenic because it's the easiest fit; I too had many, many diagnoses (and I thank you guys for sharing that, I didn't realise this happens to others...). My symptoms were these (this is rather long... I'm afraid that's the deal with this disease).
- Headvoices. One of these has always clearly been me and this was not disputed. Another HATED me and abused me on a daily basis. The third would at times defend me against the attacks, as though it was somebody else stepping in on my behalf. The two which were not 'me' did at times fight while I was nothing more than an observer. Words cannot describe how frightening that was.
- Delusions. I would not speak about these, they would be in my head; sortof like a strange daydream that seemed a little too convincing, and would always serve to isolate me from the rest of the world. Things like nobody else in the world really exists outside my head; that I had psychokinetic powers, or that everybody else could read minds and I couldn't; that everybody else in the world had spontaneously vanished; that people were watching all I did (when alone) and thinking badly of me for it. These would come only very briefly, but would be utterly convincing at the time.
- Compulsions. I would *have* to do things; without any reward, but if I didn't do them I would feel very uncomfortable. Normally, these would be silly little things, not harmful in themselves or that anyone would notice. On occassion (such as in church) I would feel the compulsion to run away and do dangerous things; though I was always stopped and told to go home by a Headvoice after a time.
- Mood swings. My personality existed as a spectrum, with two extremes; one in which I simply had no interest in talking to anybody or doing anything, and I would look at the world as an utterly bleak place, and the other in which I was happy to the point of being absurdly hyperactive and nothing could bring me down. It was entirely possible to swing from high to low to high in the space of half an hour.
- Disorganised speech. My brain seems to work much faster than anybody else's (still does), and generally I am on multiple tracks at the same time. This meant any conversation with me would branch off into many, many tangents and it took quite a talent for my friends to keep up. My mind would also work in analogies, fitting together in a way I could never really explain to anyone else. I was fortunate though that I was still able to converse with people and be understood, and so I actually enjoyed this somewhat.
- Agitation - if given an external stress (such as schoolwork) I simply would not be able to sit down without great discomfort; I would pace for kilometres thinking about things very quickly. (This one did prove rather an effective way to study whilst getting some exercise!).
- Negative symptoms, basically meaning a lack of normal functions. I could not form a normal emotional response (attempts to make me have fun would generally fail) and would sometimes form abnormal ones (laughing for no readily discernable reason). For a long time, nobody could read my facial expressions. Sometimes I would just be unable to speak, it would be like trying to get out of bed first thing in the morning; it would be physically possible and I'd want to but it just wouldn't happen. Energy was often non-existent, though we never found any indication of physical illness; and I would often be completely de-motivated to do even my favourite things (never studying when I was a top student).
- Almost nonexistant social ability. I did not have friends at all for years, and when people were nice to me later on I just would not acknowledge it, would resist their attempts to spend time with me.
All of the above have been drastically reduced and are now mostly non-applicable; I'm at the level of 'rather prone to depression' rather than psychotic. One major symptom remains: the belief that I am the worst person in the world, and that for this I should be punished and hated by all. Though I find it utterly impossible to find anyone who agrees with this notion, I continue to guilt and punish myself, and I need to work through this with my God.
