Hi all, I am so happy I found this forum & I pray for some feedback. I will make my story as brief as possible.
I worked for 8 years as a stripper until I began to have debilitating anxiety. At that point I started an online adult phone business. Both jobs I had severe guilt over. (I have the typical story, abuse as a child, etc). I felt I was adding to the destruction of families but was numb & sometimes felt it just didnt matter anyway.
I was blessed with a beautiful son 6 years ago & right before I had him his father told me I would have to go back to the online business as soon as I gave birth because he wasnt going to collect a paycheck for the next three months & I was going to be home anyway so what was the big deal.
He and I divorced when my son was 4 & I then married a man who claimed to be a Christian. He told me I was better than that, etc. When we got married I would simply have to take care of his & my children (he had 2 so it was 3 all together under the age of 7). I was making money also teaching dance classes & it fit easily into my schedule with the children but 2 months into being married I told him I needed some money for groceries & he exploded with rage. "You don't pay my bills why should I pay yours" became his mantra. He tols me to go ahead and "do the phone thing, it never mattered before why should it now?". SO I then had the added responsibility of watching 3 children while he left in the day and paying most of the household bills.
After a few months he started to berate me for the job, saying I was a harlot, a prostitute, an adulterer. When I would stop for a few weeks & then try to communicate with him about money he would not give me any. I was paying for all the food, his and my childrens clothing, $500 a month in health insurance & the mortgage & all the utilities, gas, etc.
I felt stuck. I got offered a job bartending and while I did not want to be out of the house and working til 1 am with children that young I could not take the abuse anymore. Plus he started using my job as an excuse to view porn & do phone sex on his own because if I was cheating he could too (his words).
I was stuck. Then I was teaching 7 dance classes a week, working 3 shifts at the bar, doing all the parental duties (he was obviously not Mr Mom), he refused to do any laundry or housework at all.
I have tried to make our relationship work but he moved out recently. Now I am trying to pay my bills & juggle work with no family nearby & I hardly ever see my son.
I am tempted to go back to the phone job as I can do it from home & see my son more. Then I could train for a better job where I am not gone all night. But I keep thinking of the words Jesus said "Go forth and sin no more". I have very little peace in the situation. I am heartbroken over my marriage even though he acted like a toad I still had hopes. I also feel stuck because in the 2 years we were together I did all of his marketing & billing for his mechanic service now he has a business & I hava dead end job & nothing. I should have worked more on my future but I was trying to feed 5 people & keep a roof over our heads.
Im torn between going back & being wrong in Gods eyes or staying working multiple jobs & never getting ahead.
Please help.
I worked for 8 years as a stripper until I began to have debilitating anxiety. At that point I started an online adult phone business. Both jobs I had severe guilt over. (I have the typical story, abuse as a child, etc). I felt I was adding to the destruction of families but was numb & sometimes felt it just didnt matter anyway.
I was blessed with a beautiful son 6 years ago & right before I had him his father told me I would have to go back to the online business as soon as I gave birth because he wasnt going to collect a paycheck for the next three months & I was going to be home anyway so what was the big deal.
He and I divorced when my son was 4 & I then married a man who claimed to be a Christian. He told me I was better than that, etc. When we got married I would simply have to take care of his & my children (he had 2 so it was 3 all together under the age of 7). I was making money also teaching dance classes & it fit easily into my schedule with the children but 2 months into being married I told him I needed some money for groceries & he exploded with rage. "You don't pay my bills why should I pay yours" became his mantra. He tols me to go ahead and "do the phone thing, it never mattered before why should it now?". SO I then had the added responsibility of watching 3 children while he left in the day and paying most of the household bills.
After a few months he started to berate me for the job, saying I was a harlot, a prostitute, an adulterer. When I would stop for a few weeks & then try to communicate with him about money he would not give me any. I was paying for all the food, his and my childrens clothing, $500 a month in health insurance & the mortgage & all the utilities, gas, etc.
I felt stuck. I got offered a job bartending and while I did not want to be out of the house and working til 1 am with children that young I could not take the abuse anymore. Plus he started using my job as an excuse to view porn & do phone sex on his own because if I was cheating he could too (his words).
I was stuck. Then I was teaching 7 dance classes a week, working 3 shifts at the bar, doing all the parental duties (he was obviously not Mr Mom), he refused to do any laundry or housework at all.
I have tried to make our relationship work but he moved out recently. Now I am trying to pay my bills & juggle work with no family nearby & I hardly ever see my son.
I am tempted to go back to the phone job as I can do it from home & see my son more. Then I could train for a better job where I am not gone all night. But I keep thinking of the words Jesus said "Go forth and sin no more". I have very little peace in the situation. I am heartbroken over my marriage even though he acted like a toad I still had hopes. I also feel stuck because in the 2 years we were together I did all of his marketing & billing for his mechanic service now he has a business & I hava dead end job & nothing. I should have worked more on my future but I was trying to feed 5 people & keep a roof over our heads.
Im torn between going back & being wrong in Gods eyes or staying working multiple jobs & never getting ahead.
Please help.
I'm sure there will be other churches like mine around though filled with people who love Jesus and will love you too 
