How do you determine when...

[AngelAmidala]

...your kids are allowed to do things?  Like go to the mall with friends without adult supervision?  Or go to the movies?  Or when they can start using a steak knife as opposed to having someone else cut their steak?  Or when they should have their own cell phone or stereo or computer or other electronic gadget?  Stuff like that.  How do you decide when the appropriate age is for that?  And if you have multiple children, do you keep the age the same for each of them?

I'm the oldest, and to me it seemed it took my mom forever to let me do stuff...but when it came to my younger sister, she let her do things years before she let me do them.  And that frustrated me.  (It also didn't help that she was the favored granddaughter of my grandparents either.)

So I was kind of wondering how parents decided when they would let their kids do stuff. 

/me hopes that all made sense

 

[E-beth]

Matt isn't allowed to go out with his friends, stay up late, has no cell phone and only goes to the mall with me.

And eating solid food is out iof the question!!!!!

Actually, I am curious about this too. I mean, I have collected parenting advice since I got pregnant. Now that he is out, I wonder about all kinds of stuff, like when can he have cereal? and should I pick him up or let him cry? but all along I trust my own instincts most. It's kinda strange, because I know my kid better than anyone and I take what I hear and am told with a grain of salt. Maybe that's how it is when they get bigger too...you trust your instincts about each kid.

And I was the second born and I got to do everything earlier. Them's the perks! It also makes up for all the hand-me-downs.

 

[lucypevensie]

Big question, and not an easy one to answer. With my own kids I take this into account: is he/she mature enough to have responsibility over this thing he/she wants?

You can start thinking this way when the kids are young. For example, my little boy wanted to feed the cat all the time. However, every time he tried it he spilled cat food all over the kitchen, and dumped the food into the water bowl and just generally made a huge mess. I decided that he was not mature enough to take on the resposibility of feeding the cat, and I made the cat food bin off limits to him. Seems kind of silly to forbid your kid from something so trivial as feeding a cat. But it's OK to set limits and his creativity was not stifled. In just a few months' time he's able to feed the cat neatly and he puts the food in the correct bowl. So now I let him have the privilege of feeding the cat. He can do it well and I can trust him to not make a mess out of the project.

 

[VOW]

To Angel:

Your question is completely legitimate!

First of all, BOTH parents have to agree on whatever limits are to be set. If the two of you don't present a united front, the kid will find out, and play one parent against the other.

Second, you can take what OTHER kids do as only a very rough guideline. "All the other kids are...." is a common whine, and you must make a strong case against caving in. Start practicing now: "I don't CARE what the other kids are doing; in THIS house we do it MY way. Period."

Third, be prepared to do the research. Our kids begged, pleaded, whined, cried, and demanded Playstation, Sega or one of its clones. My husband and I saw what happened in households with those games. The kids were plugged in, 24/7, did not sleep, did no homework, did not interact with the rest of the family. The answer was "No." I think my daughter was in high school before we allowed one in the house.

With a girl, the makeup question comes in to play EARLY. Back in the covered wagon days, I started wearing makeup in junior high school, so I considered that to be an "okay age." However, I told my daughter that I had to APPROVE whatever makeup she wore. We had plenty of "discussions" over colors, especially lipstick. I simply did not want to see a dark colored lipstick on a KID. That was when the dark lipliner and lighter colored lipstick were in fashion. I remember sending her to her room to remove that lip color combination before we would leave the house to go out to eat. I told her it made her look like her mouth was inside out, and I didn't want to look at it across the table.

Let's hear it for "mean mommies"!!!!!!!!!!!!



Peace,
~VOW

 

[fieldmouse3]

I think a lot has to do with maturity...what will the kid in question DO with the privelege?
I never had a curfew, I got to pretty much go wherever, do whatever, and have whatever I wanted. No, I'm not spoiled and my parents are not terribly lenient. I just earned a TON of trust by NEVER getting in troublew or doing anything bad. Besides, I paid for all my own outings and my cell phone and things like that.

 

[LilyLamb]

I agree with the above - take into account the maturity of the child and their ability to handle responsibility.

I have had dozens of parents look at me cross-eyed cause I let my (then) 13, 14 or 15 year old teen go away for the entire summer on a mission trip ... "oh I could never do that" was usually the response ... but I knew the ministry and I knew that they were able to do what was required of them and that it would bless them and others to go ... so they did.

As for dating - that one was our toughest challenge. My oldest was not allowed to "go with" (date) until she was a Senior in high school - but she was allowed to go to a Military Ball in 10th grade.

The second oldest was allowed to "go with" a guy alittle before her Senior year - I think it was midway through her Junior year - cause we had a contract that if her grades slipped or we had any problems at all with phone call limits that she would not be able to go out with anyone.

Dates were visits in the home (i.e. courting), as in, either the guy would visit her at our home or she would visit him at his home with parental supervision. The dates could also be something specific - as in a Prom or a church activity - none of this "hanging out at the Mall" stuff.

What was really cool is that my second DD got along so well with her boyfriend's mom that she would go over to visit the mom and she learned how to sew - his mom helped her make her Prom dress.

Now we've reached my 15 year old who was in 9th grade last year and he wanted to "go with" a girl ... which I decided to allow, but made sure that the restrictions were in place ... only home visits or supervised trips to the movie were allowed. Phone calls were limited to 30 mins or money was docked from his allowance. After his return from his mission trip this summer he broke off with this girl because she is not saved ... she still comes to church and they are still good friends. He apologized to me for giving me a hard time about phone calls and stuff, too! This confirms my decision to make sure that "dates" are according to "courting" rules and that they are supervised visits.

As for an allowance ... my oldest two were never given an allowance but we started doing an allowance for the younger two this year. Why? Because we are foster parents and we are suppose to give an allowance to any foster child in our care ... so we decided that we best let our own children in on the deal. The oldest will have his allowance docked if he doesn't do his chores or he takes too long on the phone or in the shower. I'm glad we started doing this, cause it does help with some of the little expenses that he has during his teen years. The youngest one is five, so he's building a good account for future expenses.

My oldest was my guinea pig and the so the second oldest may have been able to do some things alittle sooner, but not by much ... the 15 year old will see some restrictions that his sister's did not have, because he is a boy. In general I do a LOT of praying about certain issues and I talk to my kids - get a feel for how they are thinking and that way I can access their maturity.

Sorry this was long-winded ....

 

[jko]

wow you guys are WAY too strict....

with all of my christian friends, their parents were just like yours (at least the 2nd poster) and they 90% of the time turn out to stop being like a Christian.. when you force them into all of this, and also not allow them to do simple things as goto the mall, and other stupid little things, they will rebel... i can gatentee they do so much behind your back....

 

[LilyLamb]

I disagree - I know my kids and my oldest is constantly telling me how much she appreciates how strict I was with her and her siblings. My second oldest is at a Missionary school and loves the Lord with all her heart - she too is grateful for how strict I was - mostly cause I did it with a LOT of love. My kids know the consequences of wrong actions because I shared with them the mistakes I made and they saw their friends making some huge mistakes ... they have always appreciated our rules ... maybe not at the time ... but like I said, my son apologized to me for giving me a hard time when he got back home this summer ... he's so on-fire for the Lord you can't pry him away from his Bible in the evenings.

 

[VOW]

I'm with LilyLamb, I gotta disagree about 'being too strict.' My kids are 19 and almost 17, and I've had no major rebellion. I've had normal, teen arguments, but flat out rebellion has never happened.

One of my reasons for being so strict is that before we had kids, my husband's sister lived with us for several years. The kid got mixed up with drugs, nasty stuff, and we did the whole nine yards: court, treatment programs, hospitalization, you name it. It was more excruciating than childbirth, believe me. When my own kids were young, still in elementary school, I told them what happened with their aunt. I explained how destructive her behavior was, how she violated our trust, and how badly she hurt us. And I also told my kids that BECAUSE of what we had been through, their Daddy and I were going to be superstrict with them. I said, "It's not YOUR fault, it's HERS. However, I can't undo history. I can't take back everything that happened to us. YOU will suffer for her wrongdoing, and for that, I apologize. But that's reality, so you had best accept it now."

Our kids have told us that we are probably the most strict of any set of parents they know. They've even griped a bit about it. But they accepted it.

And they are damned good kids.


Peace,
~VOW

 

[jko]

dissagree if you want, but i see it all the time with friends.....

 

[VOW]

To JK:

That's fine. When you have your family someday, you will draw from your experiences to determine how to raise your children.

My husband and I made the decision to be 'strict' with our kids. And we are quite pleased with how they turned out, in comparison to what we see every day.

Of course, the BEST thing any parent can do is to provide a stable, safe, and loving home. My husband and I have been married for 28 years, and according to our kids, we're "oddballs" for still being together.



Peace,
~VOW

 

[oncewaslost]

i'm permitted to do as i please when i please so long as i ask my parents permission, nothing family oriented is going on (i.e. no family outings, etc.), and i inform them when i change locations and who i'm going to be with.

 

[jko]

im not saying this is how it is with everyone, but the majority of the teens it is..... being married that long is great, divorce is a very unfortunate thing, and it happens way too much now for things that could be worked out or shouldnt of even happend in the first place..

anyways, just trying to give you some tips from someone who has expirenced the life of strict parents

 

[Phoebe]

To parents: When your child says "so and so's parents let him/ her..." Reply with: "You wouldn't like me to compare you to others, please don't do it to me."
I think it varies child to child. How trust- worthy is your child to handle this priveledge/ situation? What is your neighborhood like? How is the mall environment?
Before sending your child to the mall alone with a friend, take your child and a friend and let them wander off. See how well they can handle the responsibility of meeting you at the agreed upon time.
Before sending a child out amidst the wolves, they need to be equipped with the knowledge of how to handle certain circumstances. What if my friend decides to ditch me? What if I think I am being followed by a stranger?
A cell phone or regular teen line: will my child be the kind to stay up until 4 a.m. talking to friends, causing him to be late for school? Will having video games in the bedroom make her grades drop?
I noticed that my parents were also more lenient with me, but I was also less likely to abuse a priveledge. I learned from the mistakes of four older siblings. I also noticed that my parents, especially my dad, spent more time with the older kids. By the time they got to me, they were too tired to do many of the same things with me. (my dad was a softball coach to my two oldest sisters.)
It may not appear this way, but it all kinda balances out in the end.

 

[wildernesse]

I think there's a difference between being "strict" and explaining your reasons for the rules, and being "strict" and lording your authority over your children. Most children wouldn't rebel against strictness that they know the reasons for--and know that their parents are following the same principles in their lives as they are trying to teach the kids. But parents who seem to have arbitrary rules that don't apply to themselves--they are begging for children to challenge them at every turn, and with good reason, I think.

--tibac