I started my family later in life (39), and was blessed with a physically healthy baby girl nearly nine years ago. A dream of mine had come true - to have a baby girl. But, it has been a difficult struggle for the past years raising a child with my much younger wife. Sometimes, I am sure that I am no longer right for it because of my age. I feel that I am getting crankier in my old age (some small attempt at humor there).
Nevertheless, my daughter had some kind of fever-related seizure when she was about four years old or so and I have been told that it may have caused some type of "brain damage". There is evidence that she has some kind of (possibly related) learning disability as she is not the "smartest" of "brightest" in school, probably one of the lowest (she is like "Forrest Gump" at times). Furthermore, she cannot seem to focus in school, though with her tutor she can answer book questions correctly. Yet, at home, when she is told to do simple tasks such as turn off the light, close the door, put the water in the ref., etc. she does not seem to understand.
Additionally, it was always my dream when my wife was pregnant and even before, that I would have a "daddy's girl" or a "little princess" with whom I could share wonderful memories with; but, the reality is that my daughter, even at nine years of age cannot even answer simple questions or engage in limited, lower-level conversations. It is a grief that is hard to bear.
I feel like the kitchen scene in "Mr. Holland's Opus" where the mother screams in absolute frustration and longing to the husband how she wants to communicate with her (deaf) son - I would say this is something that I could best relate to my situation.
Sometimes, as a result, I fly off the handle expecting my daughter to simply do what she has been told to do (like "normal" kids her age), or when I ask her simple questions about her day (at school), or her friends, or what she has been doing, or where she has been, and she cannot answer. Even my wife has a hard time dealing with our daughter. It has been really hard on both of us and I know it is hard for my daughter who is on the receiving end of the frustration. It is extremely taxing to be patient with her.
It has been a catalyst within me for ugliness; instead of love and warmth and compassion for my baby girl, at times I get so frustrated and angry, or even worse, enraged at times. So, my daughter calls me "the hulk". It seems her only memory of me will be anger and it breaks my heart to know that. I lost my father at an early age in an accident, and I have limited memories of him, but the Lord has been gracious to let me have so many years with my daughter and I beg Him for many, many more to come. I do not want to leave my little girl fatherless. But, that is a different thread.
Suffice it to say, that I am begging the Lord for mercy and grace and patience and more grace to that. I just want to stop being angry about this situation, be able to interact with my daughter (which seems an impossibility), and give her good memories of her father. I desperately want her to come to know Christ, by bringing her up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. However, I seem to be more focused on the admonition and less on the nurture, which I do not think is conducive to a right view of God from her perspective. I have woken up early to type this message in an effort to reach out to my Christian brethren for prayer, biblical counsel, and encouragement because I feel I am at the end of myself. Your gracious comments would be welcomed.
A fellow pilgrim and struggling brother in this difficult journey through life here on earth.
Nevertheless, my daughter had some kind of fever-related seizure when she was about four years old or so and I have been told that it may have caused some type of "brain damage". There is evidence that she has some kind of (possibly related) learning disability as she is not the "smartest" of "brightest" in school, probably one of the lowest (she is like "Forrest Gump" at times). Furthermore, she cannot seem to focus in school, though with her tutor she can answer book questions correctly. Yet, at home, when she is told to do simple tasks such as turn off the light, close the door, put the water in the ref., etc. she does not seem to understand.
Additionally, it was always my dream when my wife was pregnant and even before, that I would have a "daddy's girl" or a "little princess" with whom I could share wonderful memories with; but, the reality is that my daughter, even at nine years of age cannot even answer simple questions or engage in limited, lower-level conversations. It is a grief that is hard to bear.
I feel like the kitchen scene in "Mr. Holland's Opus" where the mother screams in absolute frustration and longing to the husband how she wants to communicate with her (deaf) son - I would say this is something that I could best relate to my situation.
Sometimes, as a result, I fly off the handle expecting my daughter to simply do what she has been told to do (like "normal" kids her age), or when I ask her simple questions about her day (at school), or her friends, or what she has been doing, or where she has been, and she cannot answer. Even my wife has a hard time dealing with our daughter. It has been really hard on both of us and I know it is hard for my daughter who is on the receiving end of the frustration. It is extremely taxing to be patient with her.
It has been a catalyst within me for ugliness; instead of love and warmth and compassion for my baby girl, at times I get so frustrated and angry, or even worse, enraged at times. So, my daughter calls me "the hulk". It seems her only memory of me will be anger and it breaks my heart to know that. I lost my father at an early age in an accident, and I have limited memories of him, but the Lord has been gracious to let me have so many years with my daughter and I beg Him for many, many more to come. I do not want to leave my little girl fatherless. But, that is a different thread.
Suffice it to say, that I am begging the Lord for mercy and grace and patience and more grace to that. I just want to stop being angry about this situation, be able to interact with my daughter (which seems an impossibility), and give her good memories of her father. I desperately want her to come to know Christ, by bringing her up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. However, I seem to be more focused on the admonition and less on the nurture, which I do not think is conducive to a right view of God from her perspective. I have woken up early to type this message in an effort to reach out to my Christian brethren for prayer, biblical counsel, and encouragement because I feel I am at the end of myself. Your gracious comments would be welcomed.
A fellow pilgrim and struggling brother in this difficult journey through life here on earth.
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