Girlfriend is desperate for marriage. Not sure though.

[Christian4252]

So a little bit of an update to this thread:
TLDR: My girlfriend is very attached to me and wants to get married to me. She is in her mid 30's so time is not on her side and she also never had a boyfriend before me. So I think she feels like I am her only hope. I have not been exactly feeling the same way as her. So I was wondering if I should break up.

The update: I did try to break up with her a couple months ago. She promised to do better, give me more space, and convinced me to stay with her. So we are still together. That was a couple months ago. We have officially been a couple for just over a year now.

She now really wants to get engaged. I originally told her when we first started dating that I want to wait at least a year and she thinks that because we reached a year, it's time to get engaged (I've told her that it was at least a year, never guaranteed a year). I'm just really not sure though. I just don't like how attached she is to me. It really feels like her whole world revolves around me. I don't like her doing this and I've tried to tell her to rely on God not me (note: she is a Christian). She also makes posts about us being together on social media and I think she has everyone at our church (and her family) convinced that we are going to end up together.

It's hard to give her things like surprise her or plan to be with her because she alllwayyss wants to be with me. The only way I get time to myself is if I ask her. I will say this: She is dead set on us getting married at some point. It feels like she gives me no other option.
note: I have tried explaining to her not to be so attached to me. But she still is.

Now outside of the attachment issue, we have some other differences that I have been thinking of recently.

• I feel like I want to go to a different Church. I want to find a Church that is more on fire for God.
• I am starting to believe that most of the movies and tv shows (if not, almost all) are just downright bad/demonic (Not what this post is about, just explaining what beliefs I am starting to pickup). She does not.
• Don't want to do a wedding ring. My beliefs have changed on this recently and I'm just not sure God appreciates jewelry (again: Not what this post is about, just explaining my beliefs). She will not get married without a wedding ring.
• Don't really want to have kids. She does. I sort of compromised and said maybe we could have one.
• I am ok and happy being single (even if it were the rest of my life). She is not.

I think if she wasn't so attached I'd be cool with her. There are a lot of things I do like about her, but it doesn't seem like she can contain how dependent she is on me and it also doesn't seem like she wants to follow me in my new beliefs either.

Now. I am thinking of telling her that I am sorting through my options and thinking that we might not be what's right for each other. So not break up but just let her know that maybe I am thinking of breaking up in the future. That way I could give her a little bit of a warning rather than just dumping everything on her all at once. I mean: by God's power, it is possible He has plans to keep us together for good and have us get married. Doubt it though. What do you guys think?

 

[jesuslover811]

Man what a hard situation on one hand she really loves you and nobody might not love you like she does but you do not want to be trapped in marriage with someone that puts you before God. Maybe she wants to get married so you can have sexual relations if that is the case teach her coping methods like meditation and stuff. If I were you I would be really honest and tell her your concerns like " marriage is almost permanent and Jesus hates divorce if either of us want out of this it will be really hard " If you have only known each other for a year I would advise against marriage.

Remember you cannot change people 99.99% of the time pray that she takes religion more serious

 

[Christian4252]

I would be really honest and tell her your concerns like " marriage is almost permanent and Jesus hates divorce if either of us want out of this it will be really hard "

I have told her this. She feels like she knows she wants to get married and I am the one. Note: I believe in only Biblical divorce and I would personally only do it if my spouse left me and gave me no option or if they were unfaithful and did not repent (I would forgive if they repented.

If you have only known each other for a year I would advise against marriage.

We've technically known each other for almost 2 years now. We knew each other for a little while before dating. Also: I found out after we started dating that she always liked me since we met.

 

[Tolworth John]

ow. I am thinking of telling her that I am sorting through my options and thinking that we might not be what's right for each other. So not break up but just let her know that maybe I am thinking of breaking up in the future. That way I could give her a little bit of a warning rather than just dumping everything on her all at once. I mean: by God's power, it is possible He has plans to keep us together for good and have us get married. Doubt it though. What do you guys think?

If marriage is not an option why date girls?
If Children are not an option, don't get married.

Two basic facts of life for Christian men.

If you are not happy at the church you currently belong to, try other churches, as communication is a key ingredient in any relationship, talk to her about it.
Check out web sites of other churches and there online services together.

The ability to change and to accept compromise are important for both of you.

 

[klutedavid]

So a little bit of an update to this thread:
TLDR: My girlfriend is very attached to me and wants to get married to me. She is in her mid 30's so time is not on her side and she also never had a boyfriend before me. So I think she feels like I am her only hope. I have not been exactly feeling the same way as her. So I was wondering if I should break up.

The update: I did try to break up with her a couple months ago. She promised to do better, give me more space, and convinced me to stay with her. So we are still together. That was a couple months ago. We have officially been a couple for just over a year now.

She now really wants to get engaged. I originally told her when we first started dating that I want to wait at least a year and she thinks that because we reached a year, it's time to get engaged (I've told her that it was at least a year, never guaranteed a year). I'm just really not sure though. I just don't like how attached she is to me. It really feels like her whole world revolves around me. I don't like her doing this and I've tried to tell her to rely on God not me (note: she is a Christian). She also makes posts about us being together on social media and I think she has everyone at our church (and her family) convinced that we are going to end up together.

It's hard to give her things like surprise her or plan to be with her because she alllwayyss wants to be with me. The only way I get time to myself is if I ask her. I will say this: She is dead set on us getting married at some point. It feels like she gives me no other option.
note: I have tried explaining to her not to be so attached to me. But she still is.

Now outside of the attachment issue, we have some other differences that I have been thinking of recently.

• I feel like I want to go to a different Church. I want to find a Church that is more on fire for God.
• I am starting to believe that most of the movies and tv shows (if not, almost all) are just downright bad/demonic (Not what this post is about, just explaining what beliefs I am starting to pickup). She does not.
• Don't want to do a wedding ring. My beliefs have changed on this recently and I'm just not sure God appreciates jewelry (again: Not what this post is about, just explaining my beliefs). She will not get married without a wedding ring.
• Don't really want to have kids. She does. I sort of compromised and said maybe we could have one.
• I am ok and happy being single (even if it were the rest of my life). She is not.

I think if she wasn't so attached I'd be cool with her. There are a lot of things I do like about her, but it doesn't seem like she can contain how dependent she is on me and it also doesn't seem like she wants to follow me in my new beliefs either.

Now. I am thinking of telling her that I am sorting through my options and thinking that we might not be what's right for each other. So not break up but just let her know that maybe I am thinking of breaking up in the future. That way I could give her a little bit of a warning rather than just dumping everything on her all at once. I mean: by God's power, it is possible He has plans to keep us together for good and have us get married. Doubt it though. What do you guys think?

Girls are relationship orientated by nature, whereas guys are not by nature like that.

Girls think in the terms of love, that's their world.

If you don't want a relationship don't go out with girls.

If you don't want children. probably not a good idea to go out with girls.

It's not easy to understand, but girls and guys think very differently from one another.

 

[Mark Quayle]

Bear in mind also, that marriage changes everything. What is "who knows, maybe" before marriage, can become, after marriage, "Oh yes, indeed!" or it can become "How in the world did I get myself into this mess! This is not what I was looking forward to!" What you have now is not what will be later, except in a very vague, almost unrelated way. You indicate that she plans on marriage. Buddy, you have no idea how she plans! I'd wager even she herself doesn't realize how she plans! I'd think real hard about entering into a situation where both of you will feel betrayed.

You say, not without some definition, that you are a couple now. I'm wondering if you are having sexual relations with her or not. Ignoring for this post the Biblical proscriptions concerning the matter, even make-out sessions can intensely affect the view of one party toward the other, blinding them to all else.

Read Paul on the matter. As one preacher put it, get married the way one gets into the pastorate. Don't do it unless you can't NOT do it!

God help you both.

 

[Christian4252]

I'm wondering if you are having sexual relations with her or not. Ignoring for this post the Biblical proscriptions concerning the matter, even make-out sessions can intensely affect the view of one party toward the other, blinding them to all else.

No. We are not having sexual relations. Never had. We do try to stay away from making out, but sometimes we slip up. We do repent and try not to though.

 

[splish- splash]

She needs someone, who is available emotionally & It doesn't sound like you're really there.. You're coming across aa someone, who is doing this as a favour or out of pity...

 

[Christian4252]

She needs someone, who is available emotionally & It doesn't sound like you're really there.. You're coming across aa someone, who is doing this as a favour or out of pity...

Well what do I do? I already tried breaking up with her and she convinced me not to. I am not totally against the idea of us one day getting married but I am just afraid of how much she holds on to that dream. It's as if she won't be happy unless we do get married and there is no other way... that scares me.

 

[public hermit]

So I think she feels like I am her only hope.

Wow, that line says it all. It's been a couple weeks; are y'all still "true lovin'"?

 

[Christian4252]

Wow, that line says it all. It's been a couple weeks; are y'all still "true lovin'"?

Yes I am but I am still in the same predicament.

 

[Mark Quayle]

Well what do I do? I already tried breaking up with her and she convinced me not to. I am not totally against the idea of us one day getting married but I am just afraid of how much she holds on to that dream. It's as if she won't be happy unless we do get married and there is no other way... that scares me.

Her happiness is not your responsibility. In fact, SHE's not your responsibility.

 

[Soyeong]

So a little bit of an update to this thread:
TLDR: My girlfriend is very attached to me and wants to get married to me. She is in her mid 30's so time is not on her side and she also never had a boyfriend before me. So I think she feels like I am her only hope. I have not been exactly feeling the same way as her. So I was wondering if I should break up.

The update: I did try to break up with her a couple months ago. She promised to do better, give me more space, and convinced me to stay with her. So we are still together. That was a couple months ago. We have officially been a couple for just over a year now.

She now really wants to get engaged. I originally told her when we first started dating that I want to wait at least a year and she thinks that because we reached a year, it's time to get engaged (I've told her that it was at least a year, never guaranteed a year). I'm just really not sure though. I just don't like how attached she is to me. It really feels like her whole world revolves around me. I don't like her doing this and I've tried to tell her to rely on God not me (note: she is a Christian). She also makes posts about us being together on social media and I think she has everyone at our church (and her family) convinced that we are going to end up together.

It's hard to give her things like surprise her or plan to be with her because she alllwayyss wants to be with me. The only way I get time to myself is if I ask her. I will say this: She is dead set on us getting married at some point. It feels like she gives me no other option.
note: I have tried explaining to her not to be so attached to me. But she still is.

Now outside of the attachment issue, we have some other differences that I have been thinking of recently.

• I feel like I want to go to a different Church. I want to find a Church that is more on fire for God.
• I am starting to believe that most of the movies and tv shows (if not, almost all) are just downright bad/demonic (Not what this post is about, just explaining what beliefs I am starting to pickup). She does not.
• Don't want to do a wedding ring. My beliefs have changed on this recently and I'm just not sure God appreciates jewelry (again: Not what this post is about, just explaining my beliefs). She will not get married without a wedding ring.
• Don't really want to have kids. She does. I sort of compromised and said maybe we could have one.
• I am ok and happy being single (even if it were the rest of my life). She is not.

I think if she wasn't so attached I'd be cool with her. There are a lot of things I do like about her, but it doesn't seem like she can contain how dependent she is on me and it also doesn't seem like she wants to follow me in my new beliefs either.

Now. I am thinking of telling her that I am sorting through my options and thinking that we might not be what's right for each other. So not break up but just let her know that maybe I am thinking of breaking up in the future. That way I could give her a little bit of a warning rather than just dumping everything on her all at once. I mean: by God's power, it is possible He has plans to keep us together for good and have us get married. Doubt it though. What do you guys think?

I think that it is a good idea for people to go to premaritally counseling even when everything is going great in order to help things continue to go great. There are a lot of issues that they can bring up to discuss that are helpful to discuss before hand rather than when you are stressed out during a time crunch. For example, if one or both of you feels strongly about whether to have your potential children do private, public, or home schooling, then it is helpful to discuss that long before you have a looming deadline to decide where to send them. They can also give you tools to handle your relationship with each other in a better way, and one of those ways is by setting up boundaries, which could help with her attachment issue. So I'd speak to a Christian premarital counselor first before deciding whether or not to break up with her.

As far as breaking up with her goes, I don't think that it is a good idea just to tell her that you're thinking about breaking up with her in the future. Rather, have a discussion with her where you tell her the problems that you are having with your relationship with her and that they are leading you to consider breaking up with her if they steps are not taken to help resolve them within a certain amount of time, then discuss with her what those steps would be and what those changes would look like. This way prepares her for the possibility of breaking up, as is something that you want to do, but also treats her with respect by allowing her to have some input on how to resolve the problems, it gives her the opportunity to make changes, and if those changes are not made, then at the very least, she shoulders part of the responsibility for the relationship ending by her being unwilling to make those changes, and she has a clear understanding of why the relationship ended.

 

[Mark Quayle]

I think that it is a good idea for people to go to premaritally counseling even when everything is going great in order to help things continue to go great. There are a lot of issues that they can bring up to discuss that are helpful to discuss before hand rather than when you are stressed out during a time crunch. For example, if one or both of you feels strongly about whether to have your potential children do private, public, or home schooling, then it is helpful to discuss that long before you have a looming deadline to decide where to send them. They can also give you tools to handle your relationship with each other in a better way, and one of those ways is by setting up boundaries, which could help with her attachment issue. So I'd speak to a Christian premarital counselor first before deciding whether or not to break up with her.

As far as breaking up with her goes, I don't think that it is a good idea just to tell her that you're thinking about breaking up with her in the future. Rather, have a discussion with her where you tell her the problems that you are having with your relationship with her and that they are leading you to consider breaking up with her if they steps are not taken to help resolve them within a certain amount of time, then discuss with her what those steps would be and what those changes would look like. This way prepares her for the possibility of breaking up, as is something that you want to do, but also treats her with respect by allowing her to have some input on how to resolve the problems, it gives her the opportunity to make changes, and if those changes are not made, then at the very least, she shoulders part of the responsibility for the relationship ending by her being unwilling to make those changes, and she has a clear understanding of why the relationship ended.

Agreed.

And both parties in this case seem to have grown up in an atmosphere of pressuring others into doing things they would not have done. They have different ways of doing it, of course, but in the end, that is (to me) what they seem to be doing. This habit, and its ugly consequences, will multiply like mice after they marry. Both parties, whether they even realize it or not, think the other should change. They may also think they are willing to change to some degree, but that is not so easy as they might suppose.

Haha, makes me think of the Golden Rule: If you believe in, "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you", that doesn't translate into, "Expect from others what you expect from yourself".

 

[dayhiker]

Differences on children. I've seen divorces over just this one point. That's a time to end this relationship in my book.

 

[Torah Keeper]

Now outside of the attachment issue, we have some other differences that I have been thinking of recently.

• I feel like I want to go to a different Church. I want to find a Church that is more on fire for God.
• I am starting to believe that most of the movies and tv shows (if not, almost all) are just downright bad/demonic (Not what this post is about, just explaining what beliefs I am starting to pickup). She does not.
• Don't want to do a wedding ring. My beliefs have changed on this recently and I'm just not sure God appreciates jewelry (again: Not what this post is about, just explaining my beliefs). She will not get married without a wedding ring.
• Don't really want to have kids. She does. I sort of compromised and said maybe we could have one.
• I am ok and happy being single (even if it were the rest of my life). She is not.

This seems to be a very lopsided relationship. Yes indeed, time is not on her side. If she has children, they will probably be very few, and the late life pregnancy will probably be very hard, a c-section is very likely, depending on her health, and God of course.

Now about those differences

• Will she follow you to another church? Or argue with you all your life?
• I agree. And most females seem to be in agreement with your girlfriend. Have you talked to her about it? Maybe she will put these filthy shows away so she can be your wife. If she refuses, she is not marriage material.
• Perhaps she can have a ring and you do not? It is really your choice. She wants a ring to show off to prove she is married. Us men are not really into jewelry, are we?
• You say you are happy being single. A lot of men say that and change their mind later, especially after meeting a beautiful woman of virtue.

Bottom line, she wants to be your wife. You don't want her. So, you have 3 choices.

1. Keep delaying the inevitable.
2. Dump her.
3. Tell her to change or it's over.

 

[Christian4252]

Ok. So I have gone back and forth on this. At times over the last month and a half I have leaned towards getting married believe it or not. But now I feel like I am back to square one. I think I want to break up. I think I am going to do it tomorrow. Does anyone have any advice on this? She keeps saying things like "I just can't wait until we get married then we can be with each other every day!".

Has anyone ever had to breakup with someone in this kind of situation before? Remember, I did try to break up with her in the past. She convinced me not to. I don't want to break her heart. I do feel like she became overly attached to me and I don't think that is healthy. It feels like she can't be happy without me. How do I do this?

 

[Mark Quayle]

Ok. So I have gone back and forth on this. At times over the last month and a half I have leaned towards getting married believe it or not. But now I feel like I am back to square one. I think I want to break up. I think I am going to do it tomorrow. Does anyone have any advice on this? She keeps saying things like "I just can't wait until we get married then we can be with each other every day!".

Has anyone ever had to breakup with someone in this kind of situation before? Remember, I did try to break up with her in the past. She convinced me not to. I don't want to break her heart. I do feel like she became overly attached to me and I don't think that is healthy. It feels like she can't be happy without me. How do I do this?

Better sooner the heartbreak than later.

 

[Northwest.]

After reading your post my first question is why didn't you both have a discussion about these issues before you both agreed to a relationship? I am not here to judge but on her behalf, I see a pattern of co-dependency issues that may be reflecting her childhood issues that were never resolved. I understand that you don't want to break her heart but continuing to be open and honest communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Personally, I don't see this relationship continuing in the future because you both have different views on marriage, etc. I think you should take a step back and think about if you want to continue this relationship or not and if so are you willing to compromise? If your answer is NO then I suggest you find someone who is compatible with your lifestyle and beliefs.

 

[Shelvin Gaiseb]

You should break up with her because you cannot make up your mind.
Give her three to six months to get over you and both of you move on.
I have learned one thing for sure. If you don't want to be with someone, you don't want to be with them.

The comment about her placing you above God is a bit unfair on her. But if she is thus placing you above God, lead her to God by your lifestyle.
She sounds like someone that would keep a marriage on fire and exciting even in trying times. You mentioned all her red flags but my boy I can see some from you.

Just let her go.