Hi everybody.
After a year and a half of stressful but also wonderful time I decided to write a post here and ask for help. First of all - I'm from Europe and don't use English very often so sorry about the simple sentences and mistakes.
I'm 34 years old, have had multiple relationships in my life (longest 7 years, living together, unfortunately) non of them ending in a marriage. I was never a strong believer but there was always some feeling inside me telling that God would be the right choice.
Two and a half years ago I decided the first time in my life to look for a girlfriend WITH GOD (I wrote a dating advert on a christian dating site saying "looking for.. ..who's life is led by God") And a woman appeared. A single one. Surprisingly I was also the only man matching her criteria. This time it was other than the usual relationships from the past (like not the standard "we meet, date, fall in love, the exciting part of love disappears and than it maybe lasts or not."). We were mailing and we were surprised how MUCH we understand each other. There was and is nobody in my life with better common understanding each other than with her. We met but didn't actually like each other too much for the first time. Occasionally we went for a hike together, later spent lot of time with activities we both love and we started to like each other more and more. In many ways she is like me - she loves the same outdoor activities, our two most favorite colors are the same, we have the same tastes, both are intelligent, etc.. She loves God, is incredibly sweet, sacrificial, full of life and desires for adventure. We spent tons of perfect time together, I was always looking for the weekend to come to meet her and spend time with her doing some interesting things together or just relaxing somewhere together. After 3/4 year I realized that this is the woman I want to spend my life with. I ordered a ring, manually cut a special box from wood for it.. and until the ring arrived I fall in a huge anxiety, stress.. and that's where it started. The first week was the worse - one day I even had to take pills to calm down (I never had to do that before). I didn't understand what's happening. During the next year and a half we were spending lot of time together, but this time there was this huge anxiety and stress also..Not all the time but most of the time. Sometimes I feel wonderful with here sometimes there's this anxiety. I started to read Bible for the first time in my life, went to church regularly, started knowing God, like she was. I read a couple of psychology books, christian books and started analyzing what could be the problem (because she's worth it!). And than the first ideas came - did I develop in myself commitment phobia? Or inability to truly love somebody? Before I met her, I used to watch lot of porn, unfortunately. Psychology books say this leads to inability of feeling romantic love, intimacy phobias, commitment phobias.. My mother is a "manipulator" type of mom. Psychology books say that leads to intimacy phobias, problems in relationships, self esteem problems, etc. My parents are always arguing and couple of times it seems they will get divorced - again this is not giving a good opinion about marriage. I'm unable to commit to friends what I'll be doing during the weekend (because "what" if some better option comes..?). Is my problem just a simple phobia from things that happened in my life? Or am I not loving enough??
The last year I'm praying a lot, like never before. We even pray together by phone during weekdays every evening. We broke up two times. The last try we both knew if this doesn't work out, it will be our end. She was already going to break up with me but something interrupted this. Than she "asked God" if this is his will or what should she do by praying and opening the Bible on a random page and line and she found "Philemon 1:17 - So if you consider me a partner, welcome and accept him as you would me.". I don't rely on such a ways or signs very much but It was scaring how could this happen. It was the second time in her life during hard decisions she asked and got an answer that way.. and she really doesn't try this every day/week or year. A week later I woke up, was desperate with anxiety, prayed and opened the Bible randomly looking at the very same sentence ... unbelievable. Should I believe those "signs" that they are saying "God gave you free choice, if this is your choice, marry her and he will support you, your anxieties are not relevant"?. And there were more such an unbelievable signs in this relationship.. I don't understand that.
What do you think?
After a year and a half of stressful but also wonderful time I decided to write a post here and ask for help. First of all - I'm from Europe and don't use English very often so sorry about the simple sentences and mistakes.
I'm 34 years old, have had multiple relationships in my life (longest 7 years, living together, unfortunately) non of them ending in a marriage. I was never a strong believer but there was always some feeling inside me telling that God would be the right choice.
Two and a half years ago I decided the first time in my life to look for a girlfriend WITH GOD (I wrote a dating advert on a christian dating site saying "looking for.. ..who's life is led by God") And a woman appeared. A single one. Surprisingly I was also the only man matching her criteria. This time it was other than the usual relationships from the past (like not the standard "we meet, date, fall in love, the exciting part of love disappears and than it maybe lasts or not."). We were mailing and we were surprised how MUCH we understand each other. There was and is nobody in my life with better common understanding each other than with her. We met but didn't actually like each other too much for the first time. Occasionally we went for a hike together, later spent lot of time with activities we both love and we started to like each other more and more. In many ways she is like me - she loves the same outdoor activities, our two most favorite colors are the same, we have the same tastes, both are intelligent, etc.. She loves God, is incredibly sweet, sacrificial, full of life and desires for adventure. We spent tons of perfect time together, I was always looking for the weekend to come to meet her and spend time with her doing some interesting things together or just relaxing somewhere together. After 3/4 year I realized that this is the woman I want to spend my life with. I ordered a ring, manually cut a special box from wood for it.. and until the ring arrived I fall in a huge anxiety, stress.. and that's where it started. The first week was the worse - one day I even had to take pills to calm down (I never had to do that before). I didn't understand what's happening. During the next year and a half we were spending lot of time together, but this time there was this huge anxiety and stress also..Not all the time but most of the time. Sometimes I feel wonderful with here sometimes there's this anxiety. I started to read Bible for the first time in my life, went to church regularly, started knowing God, like she was. I read a couple of psychology books, christian books and started analyzing what could be the problem (because she's worth it!). And than the first ideas came - did I develop in myself commitment phobia? Or inability to truly love somebody? Before I met her, I used to watch lot of porn, unfortunately. Psychology books say this leads to inability of feeling romantic love, intimacy phobias, commitment phobias.. My mother is a "manipulator" type of mom. Psychology books say that leads to intimacy phobias, problems in relationships, self esteem problems, etc. My parents are always arguing and couple of times it seems they will get divorced - again this is not giving a good opinion about marriage. I'm unable to commit to friends what I'll be doing during the weekend (because "what" if some better option comes..?). Is my problem just a simple phobia from things that happened in my life? Or am I not loving enough??
The last year I'm praying a lot, like never before. We even pray together by phone during weekdays every evening. We broke up two times. The last try we both knew if this doesn't work out, it will be our end. She was already going to break up with me but something interrupted this. Than she "asked God" if this is his will or what should she do by praying and opening the Bible on a random page and line and she found "Philemon 1:17 - So if you consider me a partner, welcome and accept him as you would me.". I don't rely on such a ways or signs very much but It was scaring how could this happen. It was the second time in her life during hard decisions she asked and got an answer that way.. and she really doesn't try this every day/week or year. A week later I woke up, was desperate with anxiety, prayed and opened the Bible randomly looking at the very same sentence ... unbelievable. Should I believe those "signs" that they are saying "God gave you free choice, if this is your choice, marry her and he will support you, your anxieties are not relevant"?. And there were more such an unbelievable signs in this relationship.. I don't understand that.
What do you think?
