Dating after divorce

[mgm75]

I didn't see this sub group and had posted this in another part of the forum.

Hi,

Just looking for some points of view on my current situation. I don't want to have a theological debate the issue of divorce and remarriage.

My wife and I are divorced. She had an affair with my best friend and left me. I fought to save the marriage and she filed for divorce. So it's been 8 months and I have more than healed. My walk with God is stronger than it's ever been.

I started dating someone, but now most of my friends are for it. There are a few against it saying I should wait years before even thinking about it.

We have an incredible time together, have great chemistry, we are both christian.

I have gotten very close to this girl and we are talking about marriage. Let me preface this with 2 things.
1. she had been a close family friend for about 4 years.
2. she is the ex wife of the person my wife had an affair with. (odd I know)

I believe her and I have talked about every possible angle involved in this relationship and both want to move forward. I have prayed and have no checks in my spirit at all.

These were both first marriages. No chance she has any desire to get back with him. I will have to see him and my ex no matter what as they live together and we have joint custody and evenly shared visitation
The girl also has kids and they have joint.

I'm sure it's not a rebound thing, I've thought about that.
we are both over our exes and ready to move on. I know I could go out and date other people where there you be not as much weirdness abut the situation. But we are in are late 30s and are an incredible match. Because we've been friends for years we already start on a different level I guess.

Most of are friends are for it and think we are great together...just trying to figure out how to handle the few that are opposed to it. The main concern of friends is they don't know what they are going to tell their kids when they see us together. I really dont see that as a legitimate reason...so im looking for other input

am i missing anything?

thoughts?

 

[DZoolander]

I dunno man. There's a ton there that just sends up huge caution flags to me.

First off - how long it takes to "get over" your ex to me has always seemed like a function of how long you were together. Some people will throw out ideas like "It takes half the time you were with them" blah blah... I'm not sure how they get those types of figures - but I think the gist of it is probably correct. In other words - it probably takes a lot longer to get over a 20 year relationship than it would a six month one.

Regardless of where you are in that spectrum of time - 8 months to me seems like a pretty precarious place to be. I mean - when I went through a divorce years ago (after having been with her for about 8 years...married for one) - I cut off all dating/etc for like 2 years - before I resumed. To me it made sense - just to get my head straight.

Then the next thing is your choice of who to get involved with. Of all the people in the world - you're gonna pick the ex wife of your ex-best friend who banged your wife causing your split/divorce? What the heck is up with that? There are something like 7 billion people running around this planet. Once you factor out the too old, the too young, the unattractive, the smelly, etc...there's still plenty of women running around that don't carry that potential baggage with them.

The avenues of drama that involving yourself with her open up are just plentiful - and in my mind it would be a bad idea. It's kind of like the fleeting thought I had when I went through my divorce about hooking up with my ex-wife's sister. Probably not the most noble idea I've ever had - and thankfully I didn't do it in retrospect. It would've been part revenge - part self-satisfaction - etc.

I just can't help but think that there's gotta be more to why you're picking this woman than just serendipity...and even if it's not...bad idea in my opinion.

So yeah - to me it reeks of setting yourself up for future drama all around.

 

[nick garai]

I have to agree with EZoolander. Dating the ex-partner of the ex-wife's partner is creepy. It does not sound kosher to do this. There are lots of other women in the world to date.

 

[dayhiker]

from reading your post mgm75 ... I don't see any reason not to go forward.

 

[DZoolander]

Ehhh - I think if he goes down this road it's just a matter of time before more predictable drama comes down the pike.

How long will it be until someone floats the idea of...

"Well, that sucked to go through, but ya know, it all ended up for the best. I'm happy with her, you're happy with her, etc. Maybe we were just with the wrong people to begin with. Maybe this is how it was supposed to be (and it took me banging your ex wife behind your back to find out)?"

...and then you've got that schmuck with moral problems back in your life to some degree or other again...

...and then how long will it be until he's trying to bang your new wife/his ex-wife again?

Ehhh - that road is not one I'd take.

 

[olds8598]

mgm75,

I am inclined to agree with dayhiker. This relationship does have somewhat of a creepy connection, but that doesn't mean it can't turn out good.

Bottom line: whether folks here on the forum and your friends are in favor or against this relationship, what matters most is how you two feel about being together despite the unusual connection. If you two feel good together realizing the odd connection, you both pray on it, and feel it's right to go forward, then go for it!

 

[Gnarwhal]

Honestly I don't see anything wrong with it. It may not necessarily be common, but it's not unheard of for two individuals who were cheated on to connect like this, given that they are/were experiencing the same thing at the same time. It's not like they were the ones who acted unfaithfully, and I would think a pretty considerable bond could form over the shared sense of grief, betrayal and eventual healing and triumph. Since in some ways you're walking through the same process at the same time, you're able to understand each others hardships, struggles and pain.

I would say don't rush into any huge commitments right away, only because as good as you feel, it's likely there's still some work to be done in your heart and mind. I know a couple who both went through divorces at the same time (the girls husband left her out of the blue and the guys wife cheated on him), they've been together for close to two years but to my knowledge there's no talk of marriage yet. They're being very careful with how they proceed, because even if everything feels right, 1-2 years may not be enough this close to a divorce.

I've been divorced for 14 months (officially), separated from my ex for almost 22 months. She's already been remarried for nine months, and I think she dealt herself a major emotional and psychological blow by doing so - but she can't handle any semblance of a solitary lifestyle, so that's her loss. I, on the other hand, have only dated one person for less than two months in that time, and I still don't necessarily feel ready to jump back into the dating pool. Since I'm not wired for casual dating, and I'm not ready for a deep commitment yet, I'm better off focusing on self-improvement and establishing my own adult life.

These are just things to think about.

In what ways have you "healed"? Did you go through counseling? I did, and it's amazing. Even if someone doesn't think they need it, they'd be surprised how liberating of an experience it actually turns out to be.

 

[dayhiker]

Darth, I went to Divorce Care 4 yrs after my divorce. I was surprised what what was going on in my life during the divorce that I didn't realize was part of the
separation. I usually pretty aware of what is effecting me. But there was stuff I missed. I agree that going over that time can be so beneficial.

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

I don't see a problem with who you are choosing. I wonder why the opinions of your friends matter greatly to you. I can understand it mattering some but it seems like this post was made because of the ones who do not think this relationship is a good idea. That being said, why the rush? If it's meant to be, she will be the one 2 years from now. Make SURE this is right for you before you even think about getting married. I'm sure you don't want two divorces under your belt.

 

[Al T]

Take your time. That's the number one thing I'd echo so that both of you are in the best place you can be to move forward.

Of course only you can know exactly how long that is for you....

As for those who wonder what to tell their kids, well that sounds like nonsense to me. Don't allow that element to factor into your thinking. That's not your problem.

 

[Kathryn Jensen]

I didn't see this sub group and had posted this in another part of the forum.

Hi,

Just looking for some points of view on my current situation. I don't want to have a theological debate the issue of divorce and remarriage.

My wife and I are divorced. She had an affair with my best friend and left me. I fought to save the marriage and she filed for divorce. So it's been 8 months and I have more than healed. My walk with God is stronger than it's ever been.

I started dating someone, but now most of my friends are for it. There are a few against it saying I should wait years before even thinking about it.

We have an incredible time together, have great chemistry, we are both christian.

I have gotten very close to this girl and we are talking about marriage. Let me preface this with 2 things.
1. she had been a close family friend for about 4 years.
2. she is the ex wife of the person my wife had an affair with. (odd I know)

I believe her and I have talked about every possible angle involved in this relationship and both want to move forward. I have prayed and have no checks in my spirit at all.

These were both first marriages. No chance she has any desire to get back with him. I will have to see him and my ex no matter what as they live together and we have joint custody and evenly shared visitation
The girl also has kids and they have joint.

I'm sure it's not a rebound thing, I've thought about that.
we are both over our exes and ready to move on. I know I could go out and date other people where there you be not as much weirdness abut the situation. But we are in are late 30s and are an incredible match. Because we've been friends for years we already start on a different level I guess.

Most of are friends are for it and think we are great together...just trying to figure out how to handle the few that are opposed to it. The main concern of friends is they don't know what they are going to tell their kids when they see us together. I really dont see that as a legitimate reason...so im looking for other input

am i missing anything?

thoughts?

"Wait years before even thinking about it," referring to dating again? Why? Who says? Every person and situation is different and who is to say how long someone should wait? That's between you and God, and no one else. You were the one cheated on. You have Scriptural freedom to remarry, and there is no timeline in the Bible that says how long you must wait before doing so. Is there wisdom? Sure. Is there a time of healing and counseling and figuring out what went wrong in the first place that there was trouble in the first marriage (it takes two)? Sure. But who is to say how long this is? You knew this woman, as she was your best friend's wife. You obviously had a lot in common in the first place or you wouldn't have been close friends. Now, you have even more in common. Personally, I don't have a problem with it. If most of your friends who know the situation better than we don't have a problem with it, I wouldn't worry about the few who do.

 

[iambren]

It's easy to deceive ourselves and think that 8 months we are all healed. I heeded the admonition to not date for a minimum of one year and I kept to that. You are on fast-track to hurry up to fill the void;not a good place for clear thinking.

My dad married his brother's ex-wife.....awkward. I would avoid that drama.

 

[lizziepearl]

I didn't see this sub group and had posted this in another part of the forum.

Hi,

Just looking for some points of view on my current situation. I don't want to have a theological debate the issue of divorce and remarriage.

My wife and I are divorced. She had an affair with my best friend and left me. I fought to save the marriage and she filed for divorce. So it's been 8 months and I have more than healed. My walk with God is stronger than it's ever been.

I started dating someone, but now most of my friends are for it. There are a few against it saying I should wait years before even thinking about it.

We have an incredible time together, have great chemistry, we are both christian.

I have gotten very close to this girl and we are talking about marriage. Let me preface this with 2 things.
1. she had been a close family friend for about 4 years.
2. she is the ex wife of the person my wife had an affair with. (odd I know)

I believe her and I have talked about every possible angle involved in this relationship and both want to move forward. I have prayed and have no checks in my spirit at all.

These were both first marriages. No chance she has any desire to get back with him. I will have to see him and my ex no matter what as they live together and we have joint custody and evenly shared visitation
The girl also has kids and they have joint.

I'm sure it's not a rebound thing, I've thought about that.
we are both over our exes and ready to move on. I know I could go out and date other people where there you be not as much weirdness abut the situation. But we are in are late 30s and are an incredible match. Because we've been friends for years we already start on a different level I guess.

Most of are friends are for it and think we are great together...just trying to figure out how to handle the few that are opposed to it. The main concern of friends is they don't know what they are going to tell their kids when they see us together. I really dont see that as a legitimate reason...so im looking for other input

am i missing anything?

thoughts?

 

[lizziepearl]

Hi!

I didn't see this sub group and had posted this in another part of the forum.

Hi,

Just looking for some points of view on my current situation. I don't want to have a theological debate the issue of divorce and remarriage.

My wife and I are divorced. She had an affair with my best friend and left me. I fought to save the marriage and she filed for divorce. So it's been 8 months and I have more than healed. My walk with God is stronger than it's ever been.

I started dating someone, but now most of my friends are for it. There are a few against it saying I should wait years before even thinking about it.

We have an incredible time together, have great chemistry, we are both christian.

I have gotten very close to this girl and we are talking about marriage. Let me preface this with 2 things.
1. she had been a close family friend for about 4 years.
2. she is the ex wife of the person my wife had an affair with. (odd I know)

I believe her and I have talked about every possible angle involved in this relationship and both want to move forward. I have prayed and have no checks in my spirit at all.

These were both first marriages. No chance she has any desire to get back with him. I will have to see him and my ex no matter what as they live together and we have joint custody and evenly shared visitation
The girl also has kids and they have joint.

I'm sure it's not a rebound thing, I've thought about that.
we are both over our exes and ready to move on. I know I could go out and date other people where there you be not as much weirdness abut the situation. But we are in are late 30s and are an incredible match. Because we've been friends for years we already start on a different level I guess.

Most of are friends are for it and think we are great together...just trying to figure out how to handle the few that are opposed to it. The main concern of friends is they don't know what they are going to tell their kids when they see us together. I really dont see that as a legitimate reason...so im looking for other input

am i missing anything?

thoughts?

I just came across your post. i think that your situation is interesting. and it may work out really good for your children. i pray it is going well for you.

 

[mgm75]

HI,

Haven't been around here in a while and came across this in an old email so I though I would provide and update. We did end up dating and have recently been married. It's honestly the best relationship I have ever had. We are not in this blinded utopia..we just have a really solid relationship, are great friends, and everything else that goes with marriage is incredible.
SO I just wanted everyone that took time and gave some advice things are going really well...

Interesting side note...my ex ended up marrying the other guy...and after a month they were in counseling and talking about divorce...Vengeance does belong to the Lord....living a happy God honoring life sometime in the best revenge there is.

 

[dayhiker]

Love that you gave us an update.

 

[fantascey]

HI,

Haven't been around here in a while and came across this in an old email so I though I would provide and update. We did end up dating and have recently been married. It's honestly the best relationship I have ever had. We are not in this blinded utopia..we just have a really solid relationship, are great friends, and everything else that goes with marriage is incredible.
SO I just wanted everyone that took time and gave some advice things are going really well...

Interesting side note...my ex ended up marrying the other guy...and after a month they were in counseling and talking about divorce...Vengeance does belong to the Lord....living a happy God honoring life sometime in the best revenge there is.

I am glad it is working out for you, I just came across this thread so i read everything at once, but I did want to note. We do not ever know Gods plan. He has the design and we do not, we are only the threads in his tapestry. So we will never know what that overall picture looks like. The thought that I had, was that the first marriages were perhaps Gods way of getting you both in the position to be able to even know each other and have a relationship. If you did not know her until you were introduced by the now-ex-best-friend, then it could be that God put her in your path in that way and for that reason. I know that it definitely would be a different way of looking at it. I am sure that God does not really want people to end up divorced. But perhaps he never intended those two people get married in the first place, as they obviously weren't right for each other. So now that you have gotten together, it could truly be that it is what God wanted all along. We will never know.