Curious

[Proverbs3five]

I initially came to this forum for a diagnosis.

I figured that if I could just find a category to fit into, I'd feel less alone.

But I've finally realized that there aren't any labels for me. I'm just a quirky child of God.

And the more I feel comfortable in my own skin, the more I'll open up to the people around me, and the less isolated I will feel

 

[Proverbs3five]

Also, a prayer request: there is a sin that was a coping mechanism of mine before I became born-again, and the temptations have been increasing in intensity these past few days. Please pray for me?

Thank you,
Proverbs3:5

 

[anna ~ grace]

I used to struggle, horribly, with extreme self-consciousness, and did a lot of the things that you did. For years. I can relate! Now, as a Christian, things worry me less. With Christ's help, I can slow down and think, stay quiet, focus, worry less, and not obsess over ever single social interaction. Better! Much better!

Welcome to the boards! It's good to meet you!

 

[Monk Brendan]

Hi. It's my first time here!

Now let me start. I am the youngest of four children. I was a bundle of joy, very boisterous and didn't care at all what others thought. Until one day, I was about 7, my mom told me, 'don't act like that, people will think [something's wrong with you]'. From that day forward I had built this false self. I had no idea what it was that I had to stop doing, I just gathered from what my mom said that it was no longer safe to be myself, ever. So I built this fluid chameleon of a self. I know exactly who the other person wants me to be in any situation. I switch personas seamlessly depending on who I am talking to. And if I make a mistake in any relationship I assume that person hates me, despite their pleading with me that they don't. This has resulted in me abandoning a lot of people who still wanted friendship with me. I've historically been a people-pleaser which has set me up to be used and abused. My whole life has been a constant state of disassociation - always mentally 5 steps ahead of every relationship, consumed with ideas on how to keep from being abandoned. Doing things I don't want to do and saying things I don't want to say just to keep from any possibility of rocking the boat. This has consumed me so much that I forgot to simply rest and be myself. Also I go from idealizing to hating people really quickly. For instance I'm totally hating a new friend of mine right now for a perceived wrong of hers (assumed, not proven) and just a couple weeks ago I thought she was perfect and could do no wrong in my eyes. And yes I see the paradox of me fearing being abandoned but also abandoning people at the drop of a hat. (But now that I see this issue I'm going to work at seeing my friend as a complete person with flaws and strengths and areas that need improvement, just like me Also, I am quick to meet someone for the first time and instantly think a friendship or relationship with them is going to solve all my problems. Usually these people are people who are quirky, comfortable in their own skin and don't care what other people think of them - who I used to be before aged 7.

About 4 months ago I came to Christ and since then so many pieces of my fallen nature have fallen away. And this mask I've been putting on is the latest. And here I am now. Being myself. It's so foreign and strange and I am so thankful to God for introducing myself to me. Today I asserted my needs in a conversation with someone. This is A BIG DEAL. I usually deify everyone else's needs and points of view and invalidate my own, automatically. I still find myself dissociating every now and then, but the times I'm remembering to stay present in who I actually am is becoming more and more frequent. All glory to God.

Anywho I just want to know if anyone with BPD can relate to my story and tell me how their walk with Christ has helped them recover.

Do you have an authoritative diagnosis from a physician?

 

[Oldmantook]

Hi. It's my first time here!

Now let me start. I am the youngest of four children. I was a bundle of joy, very boisterous and didn't care at all what others thought. Until one day, I was about 7, my mom told me, 'don't act like that, people will think [something's wrong with you]'. From that day forward I had built this false self. I had no idea what it was that I had to stop doing, I just gathered from what my mom said that it was no longer safe to be myself, ever. So I built this fluid chameleon of a self. I know exactly who the other person wants me to be in any situation. I switch personas seamlessly depending on who I am talking to. And if I make a mistake in any relationship I assume that person hates me, despite their pleading with me that they don't. This has resulted in me abandoning a lot of people who still wanted friendship with me. I've historically been a people-pleaser which has set me up to be used and abused. My whole life has been a constant state of disassociation - always mentally 5 steps ahead of every relationship, consumed with ideas on how to keep from being abandoned. Doing things I don't want to do and saying things I don't want to say just to keep from any possibility of rocking the boat. This has consumed me so much that I forgot to simply rest and be myself. Also I go from idealizing to hating people really quickly. For instance I'm totally hating a new friend of mine right now for a perceived wrong of hers (assumed, not proven) and just a couple weeks ago I thought she was perfect and could do no wrong in my eyes. And yes I see the paradox of me fearing being abandoned but also abandoning people at the drop of a hat. (But now that I see this issue I'm going to work at seeing my friend as a complete person with flaws and strengths and areas that need improvement, just like me Also, I am quick to meet someone for the first time and instantly think a friendship or relationship with them is going to solve all my problems. Usually these people are people who are quirky, comfortable in their own skin and don't care what other people think of them - who I used to be before aged 7.

About 4 months ago I came to Christ and since then so many pieces of my fallen nature have fallen away. And this mask I've been putting on is the latest. And here I am now. Being myself. It's so foreign and strange and I am so thankful to God for introducing myself to me. Today I asserted my needs in a conversation with someone. This is A BIG DEAL. I usually deify everyone else's needs and points of view and invalidate my own, automatically. I still find myself dissociating every now and then, but the times I'm remembering to stay present in who I actually am is becoming more and more frequent. All glory to God.

Anywho I just want to know if anyone with BPD can relate to my story and tell me how their walk with Christ has helped them recover.

Are you referring to BPD as in bipolar disorder or dissociative identity disorder since you refer to switching personas? As you pointed out, what your mother told you traumatized you and precipitated a self-defense mechanism in you as a child that has consequences in your adult life. There are Christian ministries that specialize in DID and helping people to recover their "true selves."

 

[Proverbs3five]

Are you referring to BPD as in bipolar disorder or dissociative identity disorder since you refer to switching personas? As you pointed out, what your mother told you traumatized you and precipitated a self-defense mechanism in you as a child that has consequences in your adult life. There are Christian ministries that specialize in DID and helping people to recover their "true selves."

Thank you for your reply. I was referring to Borderline Personality Disorder. I was asking about it because there are a couple of articles that say that the 'chameleon effect' could indicate a sign of Borderline Personality disorder. Here's an example of one from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...meleon-changing-identities-changing-diagnoses
I don't think I have DID because I'm always in the driver seat of my changing personalities. There's no feeling of one personality with distinct histories and distinct characteristics, and there's definitely no feeling of another personality outside myself 'taking over.' I'm choosing it everytime to feel more safe.

You said there are ministries that help people recover their 'true selves.' Are there any for people who don't have DID? Whatever resources you have I'd be happy to look over

 

[Proverbs3five]

I used to struggle, horribly, with extreme self-consciousness, and did a lot of the things that you did. For years. I can relate! Now, as a Christian, things worry me less. With Christ's help, I can slow down and think, stay quiet, focus, worry less, and not obsess over ever single social interaction. Better! Much better!

Welcome to the boards! It's good to meet you!

Thank you for sharing. And thanks for your prayers

I'm pleased to meet you, too!

 

[Proverbs3five]

Are you referring to BPD as in bipolar disorder or dissociative identity disorder since you refer to switching personas? As you pointed out, what your mother told you traumatized you and precipitated a self-defense mechanism in you as a child that has consequences in your adult life. There are Christian ministries that specialize in DID and helping people to recover their "true selves."

What are the names of some of these Christian Ministries? Even though I don't think I have DID proper, I have some similarities and I'm thinking these ministries might be able to help me. I'd like to look into them.

Thanks,
Proverbs 3:5

 

[Proverbs3five]

Do you have an authoritative diagnosis from a physician?

I haven't responded to this because I know you wouldn't like my answer lol.

Btw, the quotes in your signature made me giggle!

 

[Oldmantook]

What are the names of some of these Christian Ministries? Even though I don't think I have DID proper, I have some similarities and I'm thinking these ministries might be able to help me. I'd like to look into them.

Thanks,
Proverbs 3:5

There is a lot of info on the web and Youtube where you can learn more. One such ministry that I've corresponded with is Home: Restoration in Christ Ministries - Hearing the Cries of the Sexually and Ritually Abused
I have not taken any of their classes though but they seem to be responsive to inquiries and questions in general.

 

[Monk Brendan]

I haven't responded to this because I know you wouldn't like my answer lol.

Either you have been diagnosed by a medical professional, or you have not.

 

[Proverbs3five]

There is a lot of info on the web and Youtube where you can learn more. One such ministry that I've corresponded with is Home: Restoration in Christ Ministries - Hearing the Cries of the Sexually and Ritually Abused
I have not taken any of their classes though but they seem to be responsive to inquiries and questions in general.

Thank you so much! I'll look into them!

Proverbs 3:5