Some background, heads up - this is going sound like a pity rant so apologises in advance!
I’ve disappointed myself, friends and family and, worst of all, betrayed God in some of the most egregious, foolish ways possible. How did this happen? I became a Hebrews 6 apostate towards the end of last year because I couldn't wrap my head around Hell and reconcile that with a loving God. I was actually supposed to evangelise to my family members, but I was paralysed by the idea of them going to Hell. I made the dumbest decision to just not believe in it rather than seeking answers from God with a humble heart.
I fell away for 30 years and became the chief of all sinners. All of the condemnation verses applied to me, too. But God drew me back to Him, reassured my identity in Him, and then cleaned me up. He has faithfully remained with me since. Still a painful growth process at times, but I enjoy great fellowship with Him, just like the early days. Daily prayer and Bible study is the key to fellowshipping successfully.
Why didn't He just toss me aside after all the hurt I caused Him, my loved ones, and myself? He gave me one simple reason:
Romans 9:15 NIV
"For he says to Moses,
“I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.”
Who am I to argue with Him? HE is the Author of Scripture and decides which applies to us and which don't (or no longer apply).
He loves you no less, friend. He didn't turn away the Prodigal Son, He won't turn you away.
I've had self-esteem issues my whole life. I know that I cannot seek acceptance, love and validation from the world, but I fear that I am too far gone to expect this to fulfil this desire for love and belonging from God after recognising that if there’s anyone who has committed the unforgivable sin, it would be me.
If you had, you wouldnt be seeking to be reconciled with Him. In fact, it is His very Holy Spirit drawing you to reconcilliation. Big secret... we ALL have experienced that fear at some point in our walk. The cure to doubting is to go to Him and ask Him to make the following promise real for you:
Romans 8:16 NIV
"His Spirit testifies with our spirit that we are children of God."
Keep asking and I promise He will. All of Romans 8 is good to claim for yourself. He literally yearns for you to be confirmed in your spirit.
After falling into countless spirals of shame and regret and having these emotions put me in a chokehold, I’m left feeling empty and confused. I don’t really feel anything at all, or at least I’m struggling to describe these emotions.
Again I reference the Prodigal Son parable. What if, in returning home with repentance, he had run into the older brother first? The one who truly condemns and is jealous of the Loving Father's love for him. Sounds a lot like the Accuser of the Brethren, doesn't it? He loves nothing more than to convert our godly remorse into perpetual self-hate.
Shrug off the Accuser and go directly to the Loving Father. He has a robe, a ring and sandals ready for His CHILD.
I want to be able to love, connect and feel empathy. I feel undeserving of my friends and family, who are patient, kind, and understanding. There are so many people worse off than me and would do so much better if they were given the same life and opportunities as me. I failed as a human being. I just don’t want to be me anymore.
Step 1 - stand on this promise by the Loving Father:
1 John 1:9 NIV
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us of all unrighteousness."
It is done.
Step 2 - adopt Paul's attitude about who he is, the sins of the past, and how to proceed:
Phillipians 3:12-14 NIV
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Step 3 - Loving, connecting and feeling empathy flows from yielding to His Spirit. Concentrate on the two greatest commandments identified by Jesus:
Matthew 22:27-30 NIV
"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
There is nothing in my life, no experience, trauma or people in my life, not even genetics, that came to properly explain my narcissistic personality. I completely blame myself, and yet I struggle to take responsibility and make positive changes in my life. That’s where most of my shame arises. This realisation that I am 100% responsible for my horrible personality has left me feeling a deep sense of shame and unworthiness. I don’t know how this came to be.
Truth be told? We are ALL narcissists. Even as believers, we are in a daily struggle on who will be on the throne of our life - Jesus or self. Don't be so hard on yourself - He understands and will Himself get you were He wants you to be - He IS the Author and Finisher of our faith, after all.
I know I need Jesus. There is only hope in Jesus. I know that the whole message of the gospel is that we need to have faith that Jesus' sacrifice on the cross is enough to atone for our sins, recognising we are, indeed, inherently flawed and that only the blood of Christ can wash away our sins. We need to be born-again. I can understand this intellectually.
Spot-on!
But whenever I open the Bible, I feel as if the verses of His love and mercy don’t apply to me anymore. I fear that the gospel just isn’t for me anymore. Whenever the Bible talks about wolves in sheep’s clothing, the false disciples, the weeds who bore thorns and thistles… it’s speaking directly about me. I feel rightfully condemned and irredeemable.
Again, go to the Author Himself. Consider also all of the eternally secure verses with equal weight. Ask Him to resolve the issue by speaking directly to your spirit as advised. What do you have to lose other than feelings of condemnation and being irredeemable in YOUR OWN EYES. Relinquish your throne and approach His, in faith:
Hebrews 4:16 NIV
"Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
God bless!
