I have a new counselor, which I have only met with twice. The reason for seeing him is for recovery from a childhood of abuse that stretched into my adulthood, and returned full-force after I divorced my husband and thought I could find refuge in my mother's home while I got on my feet.
When I saw him last week, he had me pretend that he could make a family member appear in the chair across from me, and they could not say anything or do anything to me. They had to just sit there and listen to me. He meant for me to pick someone from my immediate, biological family, but I was incapable of speaking words out loud to them, even hypothetically.
I asked him if it could be my ex husband instead because even as bad as he was/is, he has not done as much damage as my family of origin, and it just felt safer. The counselor was surprised I asked, but he agreed and was encouraging. It still took me a while to get words to come out. When I was able to finally speak, my voice was weak and hushed. It was physically difficult for me to speak out loud. I was shaking.
I had always known that there was no resolution or closure between me and my ex. We parted in disagreement, anger, hurt, and resentment. We had become incapable of discussing our relationship without fighting so we stopped talking about "us" and have only ever talked about our children since then, with the exception of him attacking my character and lifestyle when he is not happy about choices I'm making for the boys (which are never bad, it's just not what he wants). I have no desire or energy for fighting. So leaving everything unsaid and unreconciled felt like the best option. I really thought that I was OK.
It has been years since we divorced, but everything that went wrong before with every bad thing he has done since then piled on top of that has remained under the surface and ignored. Even though I was in the safety of a counseling office and no one will ever hear what I said except for the counselor, it was very difficult to get things out. I mentioned things from the beginning of our marriage to the current conflicts of how he allows his newer wife treat our youngest son. Once it was over I was exhausted, trembling, and it was hard to breathe. But now, several days later, I feel relieved, peaceful, and stronger.
When I saw him last week, he had me pretend that he could make a family member appear in the chair across from me, and they could not say anything or do anything to me. They had to just sit there and listen to me. He meant for me to pick someone from my immediate, biological family, but I was incapable of speaking words out loud to them, even hypothetically.
I asked him if it could be my ex husband instead because even as bad as he was/is, he has not done as much damage as my family of origin, and it just felt safer. The counselor was surprised I asked, but he agreed and was encouraging. It still took me a while to get words to come out. When I was able to finally speak, my voice was weak and hushed. It was physically difficult for me to speak out loud. I was shaking.
I had always known that there was no resolution or closure between me and my ex. We parted in disagreement, anger, hurt, and resentment. We had become incapable of discussing our relationship without fighting so we stopped talking about "us" and have only ever talked about our children since then, with the exception of him attacking my character and lifestyle when he is not happy about choices I'm making for the boys (which are never bad, it's just not what he wants). I have no desire or energy for fighting. So leaving everything unsaid and unreconciled felt like the best option. I really thought that I was OK.
It has been years since we divorced, but everything that went wrong before with every bad thing he has done since then piled on top of that has remained under the surface and ignored. Even though I was in the safety of a counseling office and no one will ever hear what I said except for the counselor, it was very difficult to get things out. I mentioned things from the beginning of our marriage to the current conflicts of how he allows his newer wife treat our youngest son. Once it was over I was exhausted, trembling, and it was hard to breathe. But now, several days later, I feel relieved, peaceful, and stronger.
