bad experiences with previous church I went to

[Aimeruni]

I recently relocated to a new state, and have been here a little over a week.

The old church I went to, I had many bad experiences with it; I'm not saying all the experiences at the old church I went to was bad, however there were loads of bad things that happened when I went there. As a result, I've been hurt and am extremely reluctant to go to a new church.

Here's some of the stuff that happened with the previous church I went to:

-Crappy fellowship; it was only relegated to church-oriented events, (church on Sundays, and Bible study during the week, which only happened half the year) and outside of these things, fellowship never happened in real life. That is you saw each other at church on Sundays and at the Bible study during the week, but never hung out/got together etc. during the week, and essentially didn't see each other again until the service next Sunday-in a nutshell this was how my church worked.

-Felt like there was no place for me. I made friends at my church, and they helped me and cared about me; I acknowledge these things plain-as-day and am grateful for those aspects of the friendship However the reality is from a communication standpoint, the friendships I developed the church I went to, I never heard from them unless I initiated contact. I don't have a problem initiating contact with friendships, but friendship is supposed to be a two way street with communication, and as I said, I was stuck doing all the work from a communication standpoint. Yes I addressed this issue to the friends I made at the church I went to, and very little changed. This happened the entire time I went to my old church, and I went for years.

In addition to this, the focus, emphasis and priority was on married couples and those raising families. Most of the Christians in church were retirees or young families. There were ministries and resources for the married couples and families, but nothing for older singles, which is what I am.

As a result, I felt like I was being treated like I was invisible; I was accepted, but didn't feel like I was being included because everything was focused families and married couples. I don't have an issue with there being resources and ministries for married couples and families; what I do have a problem with is that older singles often are the ones who fall through the cracks and are marginalized.

Christians say 'not all churches are like that', however the reality is that in contemporary Christian culture and in contemporary Christian churches in America, the focus, effort, attention, and main priority are always on married couples and those raising families; with 90% of contemporary Christian churches in contemporary Christian culture, there is ALWAYS some kind of ministry and resources for married couples and families. If you're an older single, there being a ministry and resources for older singles is hit-or-miss.

It was also suggested to me, 'try a different church'. However I lived in a small town where the majority of the people were retirees/snowbirds and those raising young families, so all the churches in the area were very similar to the church I went to. Even if I had found a church with a singles ministry, as I said before, it's very common in contemporary Christian culture and churches in America, for there to be nothing for older singles in the way of resources and/or ministry and/or for them to get marginalized because the emphasis and priority is always on married couples and families.

Because I had such a bad experience with the previous church I went to, I am very reluctant to try a new church. I feel like there is no place for me because of my friends never initiating contact, as well as being treated like I didn't exist because all the emphasis and priority was on married couples and families.

 

[Soyeong]

I recently relocated to a new state, and have been here a little over a week.

The old church I went to, I had many bad experiences with it; I'm not saying all the experiences at the old church I went to was bad, however there were loads of bad things that happened when I went there. As a result, I've been hurt and am extremely reluctant to go to a new church.

Here's some of the stuff that happened with the previous church I went to:

-Crappy fellowship; it was only relegated to church-oriented events, (church on Sundays, and Bible study during the week, which only happened half the year) and outside of these things, fellowship never happened in real life. That is you saw each other at church on Sundays and at the Bible study during the week, but never hung out/got together etc. during the week, and essentially didn't see each other again until the service next Sunday-in a nutshell this was how my church worked.

-Felt like there was no place for me. I made friends at my church, and they helped me and cared about me; I acknowledge these things plain-as-day and am grateful for those aspects of the friendship However the reality is from a communication standpoint, the friendships I developed the church I went to, I never heard from them unless I initiated contact. I don't have a problem initiating contact with friendships, but friendship is supposed to be a two way street with communication, and as I said, I was stuck doing all the work from a communication standpoint. Yes I addressed this issue to the friends I made at the church I went to, and very little changed. This happened the entire time I went to my old church, and I went for years.

In addition to this, the focus, emphasis and priority was on married couples and those raising families. Most of the Christians in church were retirees or young families. There were ministries and resources for the married couples and families, but nothing for older singles, which is what I am.

As a result, I felt like I was being treated like I was invisible; I was accepted, but didn't feel like I was being included because everything was focused families and married couples. I don't have an issue with there being resources and ministries for married couples and families; what I do have a problem with is that older singles often are the ones who fall through the cracks and are marginalized.

Christians say 'not all churches are like that', however the reality is that in contemporary Christian culture and in contemporary Christian churches in America, the focus, effort, attention, and main priority are always on married couples and those raising families; with 90% of contemporary Christian churches in contemporary Christian culture, there is ALWAYS some kind of ministry and resources for married couples and families. If you're an older single, there being a ministry and resources for older singles is hit-or-miss.

It was also suggested to me, 'try a different church'. However I lived in a small town where the majority of the people were retirees/snowbirds and those raising young families, so all the churches in the area were very similar to the church I went to. Even if I had found a church with a singles ministry, as I said before, it's very common in contemporary Christian culture and churches in America, for there to be nothing for older singles in the way of resources and/or ministry and/or for them to get marginalized because the emphasis and priority is always on married couples and families.

Because I had such a bad experience with the previous church I went to, I am very reluctant to try a new church. I feel like there is no place for me because of my friends never initiating contact, as well as being treated like I didn't exist because all the emphasis and priority was on married couples and families.

Hello,

Love takes no account of its own, but lays down its life for others, so we are here to love others, not to hold others accountable for not loving us. I think it would be best to view these situations as an opportunity that God has given you to teach you how to love when it is difficult, and if you can't learn to love brothers and sisters in Christ who are difficult to love, then how are you going to learn to love your enemies? Much of the NT is written to instruct how to act as a community of believers, so there really is no getting around the fact that that is how Christianity is intended to be practice. Our spiritual gifts are not given to us for our own benefit, but for the benefit of others, so refraining from being part of a community of believers will only stunt your own spiritual growth.

 

[MyGivenNameIsKeith]

I can understand. I myself have felt a million different ways concerning things like this. It can feel overwhelming and hard to even express the longing for companionship, particularly within a congregation. However, rather than being "marginalized", I rather encourage you to step outside the box a bit. Go to a marriage meeting. See what happens. Marriage itself, is a sort of reflection of the unity between Jesus and the Church. Sort of like a marriage. So in that respect, you are in fact, in a marriage. Also, there are things God has planned for you, that maybe you couldn't do if you were married. Which is why you are still single. You have time to devote to others in a capacity, married people can't. There is always resources and ministries for singles, no matter the age. Remember Church isn't about you. It's about God. He is speaking to you in a way only you would understand. He has given you gifts that he has equipped you with the skills to use. Maybe most churches are the way they are, because there aren't enough singles that step up to the plate, and really embrace the opportunity that God is giving them. So, Keep going to church. Christ is in you. Show people what love is about. It's selfless. Be so bright that it makes the church you go to look like darkness. Then you will see the Spirit move in ways you never thought possible. Also, on a little bit more personal note, God provided Adam with Eve. Adam did not have to go out and search for her. If God wills you to have a mate, he will make it happen. The perfect person for you in this life. If not, be content nonetheless. It's ok not to have everything. I'm single. I know what it's like. I still have joy in ways I never knew about. God has a purpose. Trust in him.

 

[paul1149]

I am very reluctant to try a new church. I feel like there is no place for me because of my friends never initiating contact, as well as being treated like I didn't exist because all the emphasis and priority was on married couples and families.

There are two basic ways to deal with this. The first is to accept the situation and regard what you do in the church as a ministry. Even though you're not getting all your needs met, you give nonetheless. No church experience is going to be perfect in every way, so to some extent everyone has to have this attitude.

But if in your estimation the situation has become more burdensome than is profitable, and you want to change the situation, find a large church. Larger churches (my experience is with charismatic churches) always have youth groups and singles groups, and sometimes even groups for the divorced.

 

[Anguspure]

Hello,

Love takes no account of its own, but lays down its life for others, so we are here to love others, not to hold others accountable for not loving us. I think it would be best to view these situations as an opportunity that God has given you to teach you how to love when it is difficult, and if you can't learn to love brothers and sisters in Christ who are difficult to love, then how are you going to learn to love your enemies? Much of the NT is written to instruct how to act as a community of believers, so there really is no getting around the fact that that is how Christianity is intended to be practice. Our spiritual gifts are not given to us for our own benefit, but for the benefit of others, so refraining from being part of a community of believers will only stunt your own spiritual growth.

For those who are injured and empty this sort of thing is not particularly helpful. The Church is supposed to be a community of close and deep Love. If we are unable to Love in this way then we show the truth about how well we know God.

 

[seeking.IAM]

When welcoming visitors to All Sinners and Saints Lutheran Church in Denver, CO, Rev. Nadia Bolz Weber adds, "We will disappoint you."

We are a collection of fallible human beings who don't always do the best we might do. Disappointment is inevitable. Sometime. Over some thing. Or another.

For all it's weakness, I have found the poorest church better than no church at all. I need the worship experience to nurture my faith and keep me focused on being a disciple.

While married, I am a (older) single going to my church because my wife has allowed disappointment in the institutional church to keep her away. I have never attended a church that didn't somehow disappoint me.

Others have given the OP some good suggestions about finding fellowship. I pose a challenging question. What is the core purpose of church? Is it corporate worship of God or a fellowship opportunity? For me, I would go to church if I never made a single friend there. Fellowship is not why I go to church.

 

[MyGivenNameIsKeith]

where two or three are gathered in his name, he will be there among them. church used to be in tents.

 

[dysert]

To the OP: I'm sorry you had bad experiences in your former church. Unfortunately, these kinds of experiences are not uncommon. I've been a member of several different churches over my lifetime, and they've *all* had problems. It' because they all consist of people, and people have problems. Many folks like to think that church will be different from a non-religious gathering of strangers, and it should be - but church in practice is not all that different.

My current church has "life groups" that meet bi-weekly. We're supposed to find close fellowship with the other few couples in our life life group. There are life groups for singles, too, but since I'm married we have never gone to one of them.

I suggest that you not let your bad experiences with the former church stop you from going to a new church now. You still need to go to church so that you can feed off the Word and engage in regular worship. Just reset your expectations and realize that the church will have problems and that all your needs will not be met. If you go with the idea of meeting with God instead of other people, maybe you'll even enjoy it.

 

[JacquelineDeane55]

Some people are introverts and they don't like to talk. I am one of those people. I thrive on peace and quiet and I'm not really into talking. I get my energy from spending time by myself.

Just because someone does not speak to you, don't assume they hate you. They might have a different personality than you.

 

[Little Lantern]

No one, except a person who has first-hand experience, knows what a single person (especially an older woman) endures trying to find a place of true fellowship in the church. It's not only a problem for singles; married folks whose spouses don't attend have the same issues. I've experienced both roles.

One thing you might consider is finding a ministry in the church where you can put your hand to the plow. Many meaningful relationships are build by working together toward a common goal. A healthy music program is a great place to get to know folks and form friendships. Children or youth ministry is also a possibility because you can get to know the children and their parents as well-- and don't forget that those young people quickly grow up and become adults who can become good friends as well.

 

[teresa]

No one, except a person who has first-hand experience, knows what a single person (especially an older woman) endures trying to find a place of true fellowship in the church. It's not only a problem for singles; married folks whose spouses don't attend have the same issues. I've experienced both roles.

One thing you might consider is finding a ministry in the church where you can put your hand to the plow. Many meaningful relationships are build by working together toward a common goal. A healthy music program is a great place to get to know folks and form friendships. Children or youth ministry is also a possibility because you can get to know the children and their parents as well-- and don't forget that those young people quickly grow up and become adults who can become good friends as well.

excellent ideas little lantern! Everyone really has to work together for a musical production or for choir, and who doesn't love kids? Plus your are right, the parents will want to get to know you and may include you because you are their child's teacher.

Working in the soup kitchen will really bring you together with others too, as everyone has to really work hard and all together to make the meal happen.

Ministry to others who come to the soup kitchen or to the pantry also opens doors to meet people and chat with them, even pray with them. Many are so happy to be there and to get some food and fellowship.

 

[teresa]

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I recently relocated to a new state, and have been here a little over a week.

The old church I went to, I had many bad experiences with it; I'm not saying all the experiences at the old church I went to was bad, however there were loads of bad things that happened when I went there. As a result, I've been hurt and am extremely reluctant to go to a new church.

Here's some of the stuff that happened with the previous church I went to:

-Crappy fellowship; it was only relegated to church-oriented events, (church on Sundays, and Bible study during the week, which only happened half the year) and outside of these things, fellowship never happened in real life. That is you saw each other at church on Sundays and at the Bible study during the week, but never hung out/got together etc. during the week, and essentially didn't see each other again until the service next Sunday-in a nutshell this was how my church worked.

-Felt like there was no place for me. I made friends at my church, and they helped me and cared about me; I acknowledge these things plain-as-day and am grateful for those aspects of the friendship However the reality is from a communication standpoint, the friendships I developed the church I went to, I never heard from them unless I initiated contact. I don't have a problem initiating contact with friendships, but friendship is supposed to be a two way street with communication, and as I said, I was stuck doing all the work from a communication standpoint. Yes I addressed this issue to the friends I made at the church I went to, and very little changed. This happened the entire time I went to my old church, and I went for years.

In addition to this, the focus, emphasis and priority was on married couples and those raising families. Most of the Christians in church were retirees or young families. There were ministries and resources for the married couples and families, but nothing for older singles, which is what I am.

As a result, I felt like I was being treated like I was invisible; I was accepted, but didn't feel like I was being included because everything was focused families and married couples. I don't have an issue with there being resources and ministries for married couples and families; what I do have a problem with is that older singles often are the ones who fall through the cracks and are marginalized.

Christians say 'not all churches are like that', however the reality is that in contemporary Christian culture and in contemporary Christian churches in America, the focus, effort, attention, and main priority are always on married couples and those raising families; with 90% of contemporary Christian churches in contemporary Christian culture, there is ALWAYS some kind of ministry and resources for married couples and families. If you're an older single, there being a ministry and resources for older singles is hit-or-miss.

It was also suggested to me, 'try a different church'. However I lived in a small town where the majority of the people were retirees/snowbirds and those raising young families, so all the churches in the area were very similar to the church I went to. Even if I had found a church with a singles ministry, as I said before, it's very common in contemporary Christian culture and churches in America, for there to be nothing for older singles in the way of resources and/or ministry and/or for them to get marginalized because the emphasis and priority is always on married couples and families.

Because I had such a bad experience with the previous church I went to, I am very reluctant to try a new church. I feel like there is no place for me because of my friends never initiating contact, as well as being treated like I didn't exist because all the emphasis and priority was on married couples and families.

I have written a book called "Are You A Victim of Spiritual Abuse?" This is a comprehensive and challenging examination of the causes, effects and remedies for victims of spiritual abuse. It is the silent epidemic in our churches. If you are interested, PM for the link to Amazon where you can download a Kindle copy. There is a paperback version available as well.

 

[seeking.IAM]

This will sound harsh although I don't mean it to be. I don't go to church to satisfy your needs. I go to church to satisfy mine. I want to worship. I want to go home. That's pretty much it.

 

[joshcorn]

I have been there to, with churches. I have not been a part of a church for a few years now. The last church I went to broke my heart. It was like walking into a funeral parlour. In this discussion you real have two things to look at.1. The church today 2.church members. The big one here is churches today. I have been a christian for my years. God is a God of seasons. God built me and trained me in the prophetic. Some of you reading this understand the prophetic because God built you that way to,and some are built that way but do not realize it yet until God can find a put a mentor alone side you. Someones spirit is jumping inside them. The reason I till you this is to give some kind of qualification for what I say. No getting back to seasons. When God releases a new season over an area its like fresh manna. We worship in spirit, we pray in the spirit and like Paul the Apostle we should be serving God in spirit. I said all that to say the manna comes in spirit. In the new testament God laid out the pattern for His church{ we are the church]when we meet. To those that really study the bible with more attention to the new testament know what I am talking about. When God lays out a pattern[blueprint]it is for a reason. In the old testament days the tabernacle was a blue print of the tabernacle in heaven, right. They had to build it exactly according to the blueprint. Where do you see that in the new testament. There is a blue print there. Over the years I have seen visitation in some churches because they where truly hungry for him and it pushed them forward into the things of God,To those who did pushed forward, got the blueprint out and got habitation. I know of a few of the churches. They are far from me but we all have a Heavenly pattern inside us, Jesus. Paul talks about till Christ is formed in you. The building is still under construction,but I get a visitation from God from time to time to see how the construction is going.

I do not know if any of you have researched the moves on God over this past century and like to read what God did ,let me know. I can see the next move coming in the spirit and hear it in the winds of God. Its so close I got my serf board out,it comes like a wave in the spirit so you got to get out there and catch the wave and ride it. Sorry I got off the subject but I do love the church and Gods people and it hearts my heart to see so many dry and burnt pastures out there.
Jesus can be funny at times. I just went to the fridge to get something look around and around then I saw it. It was there right under my nose. Jesus told me to say. what you are looking for is right under your nose. for someone out there reading.

 

[Aimeruni]

I don't appreciate this assumption that because I desire real fellowship, I'm being selfish. I already said I have no problem with initiating with fellowship/friendships in and of itself; what I do have an issue with is me always initiating with fellowship/communication with Christian friends I make. That is a completely different issue than having a problem initiating in and itself, and as I said I have no issue initiating in and of itself.

The only 'expectations' I have is for communication to be a two way-street with friendships which is how it's supposed to work. BOTH people are supposed to initiate with communication in a friendship, NOT one person doing all the work from a communication standpoint in a friendship, and the other person doing all the work from a communication standpoint in a friendship, and the other friend NEVER initiating with contact from a communication standpoint. Every friendship I've ever had with Christian friends it's been me doing the work from a communication standpoint and aforementioned Christian friends never initiating; I'd be content with a Christian friend just initiating contact on a semi-consistent basis (i.e. once or twice a week) and I don't even get THAT much. Different people feel loved different ways (i.e. love languages) and for me it's quality time; if a friend can't 5 minutes out of their schedule to initiate with communication in some shape or form, I don't think they care about me as a person or my life.

In regards to the 'expectations' I have for fellowship, I'd like for it to be like fellowship was in the early church; they DID LIFE TOGETHER and fellowship wasn't just relegated to church-oriented events, but never happened in real life. I don't have a problem with fellowship happening at church-related events, that's where it's supposed to start. The problem I have with this is, when fellowship is only focused around church-related events, and doesn't happen in real life; it's supposed to start at church related stuff, and branch out into real life.

To me contemporary Christian churches and contemporary Christian culture in america have both become very selfish. American society prizes individualism, it's all about doing what is easy, what's convenient, what works best for the person; contemporary Christian culture and churches in the U.S. don't want to admit this philosophy has infiltrated and influenced contemporary Christian culture and churches in America as well, but it has.

I hate individualism because by and large it's intrinsically selfish. Being unique and seeing yourself as special isn't bad, because we all are to some extent, that's not the problem I have with it. The problem I have with it, is as I said it's all about doing what's convenient and doing what's easiest, and what's best for you. This completely contradicts what the Bible teaches about what real fellowship is supposed to be, which is communal, and NOT based on what's best for the individual.

I also get this attitude of why don't I do something about the problems I described above. I don't have an issue doing that, but quite frankly I've TRIED. I am the one who did all the work from a communication standpoint with my Christian friends, and 90% of the time if I wanted to fellowship outside of church I am the one who initiated with that too, and if I didn't, said fellowship didn't happen. Add to that, other Christians have just much of a responsibility as I do to be accountable with fellowship. I am so tired of this attitude that 'being busy justifies fellowship not happening, blowing somebody off etc etc'

 

[Tolworth John]

I am very reluctant to try a new church. I feel like there is no place for me because of my friends never initiating contact, as well as being treated like I didn't exist because all the emphasis and priority was on married couples and families.

There are a number of things you can do.
1st use the internet to find a church that is friendly to singles and move there.
2nd attend a church where the preaching challenges you and seek to find friends there.
3rd be proactive and set up a singles group in your church. See who wants to attend and what they want and go from there.

 

[Follower3]

True, as a single guy its like, how many times do i have to sit through a sermon on marriage? How about a sermon for the single guy?

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

True, as a single guy its like, how many times do i have to sit through a sermon on marriage? How about a sermon for the single guy?

Get out of there and find a church that actually teaches the Bible.

 

[DragonFox91]

I've been thru 5 churches & finally found one last June w/ a good group of Singles & Married's. It takes time & hard work. It took me a few years. The Lord will lead you to one if you're willing to have him guide you. The church is highly valued in the NT & has been thru out church history. God knows this & your desire to find a welcoming church for you.

They're doing a sermon series on marriage right now Just got to grin & bear it. Remember, it's not all about you. Maybe sometime they'll do a series that really clicks with you but not someone else. I know the church I'm going to now has done series on Singles.

This is an old thread. We'd like to hear the OP post a success story how he's thriving at a church & is exactly what he was looking for!