Afraid my mother-in-law will cause problems

[Jerm]

Hi all,

I have been engaged with my fiancé for close to a year now and our wedding is happening next month. Prior to this we've been dating for 3 years already. Our relationship have had our ups and downs and we've dealt with challenges and come so far right now.

My fiancé lives with her mom who is separated. She is already 25, yet she is still under the 'control' of her mom. For example, my fiancé does not attend cell group because her mom does not approve of it. This is among many other examples.

My concern is after marriage, how will I be able protect my family from interference with my mother in law in a respectful way that does not offend her?

Just recently, she was frustrated by my father in law, who she's separated from, and started taking it out of us. She shouted as us and asked to be left alone or she would throw bricks at us. This was the first time she display such behaviour towards me.

I don't want to simply take her daughter away from her. And I know my fiancé loves her mom and needs her time with her mom and likewise her mom with my fiancé. I hope you all can give me some ideas what I can prepare for and possible situations that may arise and what I can do.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Have you talked about this with your fiancee? This is something you need to discuss and have a plan in place in case things escalate again in the future. Your fiancee has to be able to stand up to her mom and enforce boundaries.

To me it sounds like your MIL is unstable, so I'd avoid spending time with her if possible, especially with just her and the two of you. A bigger group setting would be better.

Hopefully, once you are married and your fiancee is no longer living with her mom, things will improve. But you need to talk about it beforehand.

 

[Jerm]

Hi poppyseed, thank you for replying. I have this fear of things worsening after marriage.

This incident just happened only last week. I haven't got time to talk to my fiancé. I don't want to appear I'm coming against her mom when I talk to her. How can I put this in a nice way?

Since you're a female, how would you want your husband to bring this issue up so that it's doesn't appear controlling, or criticizing her mom?

 

[Elliewaves]

Are you attending any premarital counseling together? It might be worth pursuing and to bring this up during that with an impartial third party present. This is something that should be discussed prior to marriage. How to handle in-laws/ leaving and cleaving and what that looks like should all be discussed before marriage.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Hi poppyseed, thank you for replying. I have this fear of things worsening after marriage.

This incident just happened only last week. I haven't got time to talk to my fiancé. I don't want to appear I'm coming against her mom when I talk to her. How can I put this in a nice way?

Since you're a female, how would you want your husband to bring this issue up so that it's doesn't appear controlling, or criticizing her mom?

Sorry I didn't see your post sooner! I like the suggestion in the post above mine to talk about this in premarital counseling. That would provide a neutral ground.

My mom is very pushy and controlling at times, and I knew this long before I met my husband. If my parents are at our house, and my mom starts to go into one of her long lectures (lol), then I try to change the subject/defuse the situation. My husband wants me to try to put up more boundaries because my mom steamrolls right over me sometimes. It's hard though, since she is my mom.

I think a gentle approach might be to ask your fiancee how she felt after the incident last week. That way you can open up the subject without going straight to criticizing her mom. You can also talk about how you want to have a harmonious start to your marriage, which means you'd like to avoid big dramatic scenes if possible. If she asks point blank what you think of her mom, then salt your words. Say that you respect that she will be your mother-in-law and you wish her nothing but the best, but you are worried that she might cause some friction in your marriage so you would prefer to have a little more distance.

I hope things turn out well, and may God bless your marriage.

 

[Hank77]

This incident just happened only last week.

It sounds to me that the reality of being alone may be causing your m-i-l a lot of distress. Her marriage is broken and now her daughter is leaving. Sure she knew that eventually that would happen but that doesn't really help. Fear causes people to do things they wouldn't otherwise.

I'd like to make a couple suggestions. When you see her be compassionate. Deliberately bring up things in conversation such as, Mom I would like it if we could start some family traditions with you. For instance, special days that are set aside that will continue from year to year that are only for celebrating time with her and family, especially if there will be children in the future. It could be a special place even. Make her feel special. Make a secret appointment to see her. Tell her that you want her advice and knowledge about how to treat her daughter after marriage because you want only her daughter's happiness. Be creative and most of all be sincere and loving.
One thing my daughter-in-law did was to immediately give us a key to their home. She said just in case when you come and we are not here or are out of town please feel free to stay. Our home is your home. We have never used that key but it said to us that she wanted us to be a part of their life and that we would never be shut out.

I pray that everything works out well for you. God bless you and all your family.

 

[Jerm]

HI Ellie, yes we've been to marriage counselling. Our pastor did say the same thing. She told my wife to be that she has to set boundaries and defend me because I cannot be the one to do these things.

Poppyseed, I've spoken to my fiancé now since that day. It was a pretty good conversation. My fiancé says that her mom is a hermit, which is kinda true. She seldom meddles with affairs outside of her home. She's like the Queen of the house, since she lives there alone with my fiancé and another son. I will monitor the situation. My concern would be my fiancé did say some saturday morning she would like to have breakfast and shopping with her mom as they usually do. I understand its to maintain the relationship and not make mom feel abandoned. I wonder if mom could affect things very much through these few hours together without me. She's definitely very opinionated, and has something to say about everyone.

Hank, thanks for the awesome advice. I will definitely look for an opportunity to raise this with her, and seek her advice. Regarding the keys, we've already decided we'll give a set to mom as she lives just 10 mins away, and she can be of help in emergencies. However, your way of putting it is definitely way better. Right now it sounds like we're 'using' her, haha.