I entered the world limp and devoid of any sign of life. My doctors pulled me from my mothers stomach nearly asphyxiated. My fathers faith believes it is his right to baptize me; so he did. Somehow I survived, but I dont know why.
Throughout my life it has always seemed that someone was toying with me, someone that enjoyed tormenting helpless souls. Ive spent most of my time trying to ignore it or trying to understand why it only happened to me.
On December 12, 2002 I made one bad decision that I feel has affected my life the most. Only one good choice has affected my life more. On this day, I spiritually and emotionally committed suicide. This was the closest I could get to killing myself without actually doing it.
This day I went to school like any other day. I went to school as happy as I normally was. For most of the day I was smiling and talking to my friends.
It would figure that my biggest mistake would be over the simplest and most insignificant nothings to happen. My best friend said something about someone that I didnt particularly agree with. Instead of absorbing my frustration like I normally do, I said something.
I shouldnt have said anything. Its my fault everything that happened, did happen. I guess I can hold a pretty good grudge because I didnt talk to her for eighteen months.
I didnt know it at the time, but all the friends I had only spoke to me because they were friends of hers. My lack of friends allowed my thoughts to destroy my mind and my hate to consume my soul. This put me into a kind of depression that lasted twenty months.
During this time I hated anything that moved. I hated myself. I spent my time lost in the Internet. I spent eight hours a day trying to find something Ive never really had. I searched everywhere but I couldnt find it.
When summer came I had been like this for six months. I would keep to myself and mostly quiet. Summer made me much worse. My anger and hate had time to grow.
By the time school had started I was dead. Evil is the only word to describe the way I was. I wouldnt talk to anyone. If I did my tongue would be so short and full of hate that I soon found that nobody would bother me anymore. The worst part of all this is that I found pleasure in it.
I remember that on the first day of school I was standing in front of the door to the guidance counselor. I stood there silently waiting with my arms crossed, head down and eyes closed.
My friend walked up to me as if nothing had ever happened. She cheerfully said to me, Hey Jeremy! Where have you been? I havent seen you all summer.
I lifted my head and glared into her eyes and said only one word. So. I slowly put my head back down and began to delight in the hurt I caused her.
I can still see the look in her eyes. I could tell she was hurting only from her eyes. I never want to be able to do that again.
During school I would sit Indian-styled in front of my locker, arms crossed and head down. People of course cant leave me alone so theyd walk up to me and either stand there or pointlessly talk to me.
I remember one kid, who was trying to pick on me, walked up to me while I was sitting. He would do this at least once a week. Tired? he asked me, or something to that extant.
Dont talk to me, I replied in my usual dark hate filled voice.
Whats your problem, Jeremy? When he said this I raised my fist within one inch from his lower region before he could react. He never talked to me again.
During the free time that the lack of friends left me, I managed to get all As merely by completing my homework. This was the only good thing to come from my shifting as I came to call my drastic change in personality.
Soon summer was here again. The eighteen months before had left me dead and my face emotionless and broken. My old Boy Scout leader had invited me to his Youth Group. I needed to go because I felt like I owed him something for helping me with scouts.
I kept going because I had nothing better to do with my life and the Internet was growing boring. The Youth Group had done nothing to me so I had no grudge to hold against it. The Youth Group cracked me open spiritually. The God I had cursed for nearly tow years finally had somewhat of a hold over me again.
In August, I finally realized what I had become. I hated myself for letting it happen. One Saturday night I went to bed and prayed. I cried my heart out for God to change me and to save me from my sins and from myself.
That night I made the best choice anyone could ever make; I decided to follow God. The next morning I felt joy for the first time in my life. I felt peace.
The next Sunday, God told me to start going to church again. I was a changed person. It became obvious to everyone around me. They knew there was something different about me and most importantly, I knew.
I still had no friends but I didnt care. I just went around and talked to people as if they were. I found that I didnt need their attention. I managed to find a place where I was important and although sometimes it gets me down, I know that it will always be there for me.
Throughout my life it has always seemed that someone was toying with me, someone that enjoyed tormenting helpless souls. Ive spent most of my time trying to ignore it or trying to understand why it only happened to me.
On December 12, 2002 I made one bad decision that I feel has affected my life the most. Only one good choice has affected my life more. On this day, I spiritually and emotionally committed suicide. This was the closest I could get to killing myself without actually doing it.
This day I went to school like any other day. I went to school as happy as I normally was. For most of the day I was smiling and talking to my friends.
It would figure that my biggest mistake would be over the simplest and most insignificant nothings to happen. My best friend said something about someone that I didnt particularly agree with. Instead of absorbing my frustration like I normally do, I said something.
I shouldnt have said anything. Its my fault everything that happened, did happen. I guess I can hold a pretty good grudge because I didnt talk to her for eighteen months.
I didnt know it at the time, but all the friends I had only spoke to me because they were friends of hers. My lack of friends allowed my thoughts to destroy my mind and my hate to consume my soul. This put me into a kind of depression that lasted twenty months.
During this time I hated anything that moved. I hated myself. I spent my time lost in the Internet. I spent eight hours a day trying to find something Ive never really had. I searched everywhere but I couldnt find it.
When summer came I had been like this for six months. I would keep to myself and mostly quiet. Summer made me much worse. My anger and hate had time to grow.
By the time school had started I was dead. Evil is the only word to describe the way I was. I wouldnt talk to anyone. If I did my tongue would be so short and full of hate that I soon found that nobody would bother me anymore. The worst part of all this is that I found pleasure in it.
I remember that on the first day of school I was standing in front of the door to the guidance counselor. I stood there silently waiting with my arms crossed, head down and eyes closed.
My friend walked up to me as if nothing had ever happened. She cheerfully said to me, Hey Jeremy! Where have you been? I havent seen you all summer.
I lifted my head and glared into her eyes and said only one word. So. I slowly put my head back down and began to delight in the hurt I caused her.
I can still see the look in her eyes. I could tell she was hurting only from her eyes. I never want to be able to do that again.
During school I would sit Indian-styled in front of my locker, arms crossed and head down. People of course cant leave me alone so theyd walk up to me and either stand there or pointlessly talk to me.
I remember one kid, who was trying to pick on me, walked up to me while I was sitting. He would do this at least once a week. Tired? he asked me, or something to that extant.
Dont talk to me, I replied in my usual dark hate filled voice.
Whats your problem, Jeremy? When he said this I raised my fist within one inch from his lower region before he could react. He never talked to me again.
During the free time that the lack of friends left me, I managed to get all As merely by completing my homework. This was the only good thing to come from my shifting as I came to call my drastic change in personality.
Soon summer was here again. The eighteen months before had left me dead and my face emotionless and broken. My old Boy Scout leader had invited me to his Youth Group. I needed to go because I felt like I owed him something for helping me with scouts.
I kept going because I had nothing better to do with my life and the Internet was growing boring. The Youth Group had done nothing to me so I had no grudge to hold against it. The Youth Group cracked me open spiritually. The God I had cursed for nearly tow years finally had somewhat of a hold over me again.
In August, I finally realized what I had become. I hated myself for letting it happen. One Saturday night I went to bed and prayed. I cried my heart out for God to change me and to save me from my sins and from myself.
That night I made the best choice anyone could ever make; I decided to follow God. The next morning I felt joy for the first time in my life. I felt peace.
The next Sunday, God told me to start going to church again. I was a changed person. It became obvious to everyone around me. They knew there was something different about me and most importantly, I knew.
I still had no friends but I didnt care. I just went around and talked to people as if they were. I found that I didnt need their attention. I managed to find a place where I was important and although sometimes it gets me down, I know that it will always be there for me.
