How best to deal with pushers and saboteurs?

[LovebirdsFlying]

For background, I just posted this on my Facebook page:

Well, the exercise is going to have to stop. All it's doing is causing me excruciating pain, and it is not helping me lose any weight. I continue to gain, and have put 20 pounds back on. I *hate* myself for it. (Please don't bother telling me I'm beautiful as I am. I appreciate the sentiment, but it's not about being beautiful. It's about being healthy, and I'm not, and I want to be.) So, I need help. I'm not addressing any one person. I'm speaking to everyone who knows me. Basically, if you're breathing, I mean you. I would appreciate it if you didn't offer me food at all. I have the sense to eat when I'm hungry. I won't starve myself. Anorexia has never been a problem for me. But more important, if you offer me food and I say no, PLEASE don't ask me again in five or ten minutes, "Are you sure you don't want any....?" Please don't serve it to me anyway after I said no. (Granted, it's been a long time since anyone has done that, but it used to happen regularly.) And please don't act like I've personally hurt your feelings or offended you because I don't want to eat. You probably wouldn't spike an alcoholic's drink, or do anything similar to any other type of addict, so please don't push food on someone with binge-eating disorder. Thank you.​

The (incredibly high number of) food pushers I've encountered in my life, and continue to encounter, tend to fall into two groups:

1.) They also have a weight problem, and they don't want to be alone in that boat, so they don't want me to succeed at losing weight. Misery loves company. These are the ones who may keep asking if I'm sure I don't want any, after I've said no two or three times already. My daughter, for example, is heavier than I am, and is sort of taking this personally. If I hate *myself* for being overweight, what must I think of *her*? Well, psychology is a funny thing. I don't have those same negative feelings for her, but I do want to communicate that what I do and what she does can be two different things. My husband, by the way, once offered me a candy bar, *while* I was in the doctor's office being treated for HIGH blood sugar.
2.) They do not have a weight problem. Those are the ones who insist I'm beautiful as I am and shouldn't worry about it, and tell me not to "get carried away with this dieting thing," but then they turn around and gossip among themselves that they're concerned for my health and how big I am getting to be, or they'll make "just teasing" fat jokes. The thing is, if I actually lose the weight, they won't have anything to look down on me for, and feel superior to me about, and that's no fun, so they don't really want me to succeed either.​

IMPORTANT: Please note, I am not seeking advice on diet and exercise. I'm working with my doctor on that. Instead, I am seeking advice on how to handle it when people don't respect the "no," without becoming an evil shrew in the process, and being told I have anger issues. Does anyone have any of that? Thank you very much.

 

[Goodbook]

Yes Ive had ppl who dont hear the word NO in my life.
How to deal with it.

You can Avoid them. Ignore them and move away from them, block them if you have to.
It is their problem not yours.

You can even say No thanks Im good I would appreciate it if you would stop asking me.

Be firm.

 

[Goodbook]

Biblically this is what Jesus said when Peter started hassling him and annoying him, get behind me satan.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

have less respect for them in this area and it won't bother you as much - you can't change people, and they likely don't have a clue what you're facing unless they are facing the same challenge; but you can change how much you allow yourself to react to them

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I did move away from most of the problem. The worst offenders of all time were my mother and grandmother, and I've now relocated nearly 3,000 miles away from my hometown. Things like that are part of the reason. Mom always wanted me to be her "diet" partner. What she really meant was "eating" partner, because she didn't want to eat "just a little bit" of something all by herself. She'd feel better if she had someone joining her in it, so it was constantly, at least once a day, "Here, why don't we split this dessert?" Sure, eating half is better than eating the whole thing, but if it weren't for my "diet partner" suggesting it, I wouldn't have eaten any of it at all. I've gained more weight as my mother's "diet partner" than at any other time. My grandmother, more than anyone else, was the one who would cut a slice of pie and set it in front of me anyway, even though I said no several times. "One little bit won't hurt you." Yeah, but if I had "one little bit" of this, that, and everything I was offered, it would add up quickly. Many of the same family members who make fun of my weight, and concern troll me to the point of tears and self-loathing, also give me the hardest time when I pass it up. "Don't get carried away. Know when to stop." And what they're talking about is not "know when to stop eating," but "know when to stop losing weight!"

My husband, I'd say, is the worst one about "Are you sure you don't want any...." five minutes after I said no.

 

[Goodbook]

I have people that try to push food on me because i am naturally thin.
One friend does this all the time but when I say no she respects that, even though its her habit to ask me.

I dont think anyones gone so far as push food on my plate but I just push it back and say i, full or im eating my portion and thats enough. If its put on my plate i would just leave it. Im not making myself sick just to please someone else.



With mothers you just need to act like an adult or rather be an adult around them. Dont let her baby you.

 

[Goodbook]

With europan style food its just they have huge portions and dont know how to do a shared meal like asians do where everyone just eats till they are full and stops.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Not to mention the former tradition of, "It's wasteful to leave food on your plate! You're going to sit there until you eat every bite." It took a therapist to point out for me, it's also wasting food to eat more of it than your body needs.

 

[Goodbook]

I hate that too.
In chinese culture its actually polite to leave a little to signify to your host that you are full and satisfied and couldnt possibly eat another bite.
Plus it gets fed to the cat or chickens or whoevers sitting under the table.

 

[Goodbook]

Also remember when Jesus fed the 5000 with the miracle of loaves and fishes guess what they had leftovers!!!

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Hubby has agreed not to ask again after I say no. I'll allow for a little bit of "I forgot," but I'm afraid I can no longer afford to be too polite for too long. Eventually I'll need to make some kind of lasting impression, so he'll remember and quit asking. Daughter will be some challenge because her "mom time" with me very often centers around wanting to go out to eat. I suppose I'll be OK getting a coffee and salad. She won't push farther, because not only am I diabetic, but I also have several food sensitivities. It wasn't that long ago, she had to drive me to the urgent care clinic with extreme abdominal pain, and other symptoms I won't specify.

My problem isn't usually saying no. It's having to keep saying no and keep saying no and keep saying no, and then in some cases, having them dish it out and serve it to me anyway because they don't care what I said.

Yes, by the way, I have also had family members offer me cigarettes when they knew I was trying to quit, and offer me "just a little bit" of alcohol when that's a problem for me too. (I eventually succeeded with that. I've not had a cigarette since 2007, or a drink since 2008.) I'm at the point now where if someone has so little respect for me that they're going to try to prevent me from taking care of my health, I don't need that person in my life. Food represents love to some people, but the ones who actually do love me would want the best for me.

From my experience, as I'm working it out in my head, I offer the following pusher-to-English dictionary:

"You're beautiful as you are. Don't get carried away with this dieting. You don't need to get TOO skinny."
---Translation: "I want you to stay heavy so I can make fun of you. Then when it hurts your feelings, I can say I was just teasing. Everybody will blame you because you can't take a joke."

"Be my diet partner. We'll have a contest to see who loses the most weight."
---Translation: "Here, split this dessert with me, so I don't look like such a pig eating it all by myself. When you end up gaining weight because your metabolism is slower than mine, I'll win our so-called contest, and that will make me feel like I'm better than you."

"One little bit won't hurt you."
---Translation: "I know I'm always telling you how much weight you need to lose, but if I don't keep shoving food at you, I'm afraid you might actually do it. Then how can I feel smug and superior while I tell everybody I know how worried I am that you're getting so big?"

Maybe I already know what I need to do. Stay away from food pushers. Look out for my own health first. Maybe I'm looking for confirmation that it's OK and properly Christian not to associate with people, if it comes to that, even though, "but we're your faaaaaaaamily."

 

[Goodbook]

Its just satan trying to tempt you and being bloody persistent.
Well just close your ears and dont respons listen only to the voice of the shepherd. When they see you are deaf to their pleas they will quit asking. Just do not respond at all. Act like you never heard them and their lies.

 

[Goodbook]

With Unsaved family members sometimes you have to do that. You belong to Gods family now. keep telling yourself the truth and declaring the truth out loud. Arm yourself with scripture like Jesus did when satan was tempting him in the desert.

Sometimes you actually do need a script. Its scripture.
For every lie find a scripture that tells the truth.

Eg I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm (forgot the number)
I know how to abound and I know when to be abased whatver i am i have learned to be content.. Phillipians
The fruit of the spirit is love joy peace....and self control (or temperance)
galatians
The sheep listen to my voice they dont listen to another ..john

Etc etc.

 

[Dave-W]

With europan style food its just they have huge portions and

That sounds more like American than European. In the US, we pile the plate high with little or no empty space. European cultures (most anyway) leave a lot of free space on the plates.

 

[mina]

reiterate "please, stop" and then walk away if you have to. Don't give them the chance to keep asking you; leave if needed.

 

[wayfaring man]

Hi LF,

Surprised me. I thought from the title, that this thread was going to be about drug pushers and terrorists.

Regardless the scriptural advice coming to mind is one and the same.

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. <---> Matthew 5:43-38

Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good. -----> Romans 12:21

Additionally, whenever we face a problem that appears unconquerable / unendurable it is inevitably because something else (which that problem rests / hinges upon) is missing or out of whack spiritually.

This was shown in part through a vision, where The Lord held up a sizable scroll and said, ' There are many things which must be accomplished in your life, but you can only handle one or two at a time.'
By the size of the scroll it appeared there could easily be hundreds of things listed, but possibly not thousands, (for he knows we are but dust)... And as I was pondering the significance of those things I heard within, that the problems we have (when failing to make significant spiritual progress in this life), are largely because what we are focusing upon (on that list) does not coincide with The Lord's focus.

He knows which things must be addressed successfully before others can even be effectively approached. What this appeared to describe is that there is a divine order for God's perfect will being fulfilled. And for our progression through the list to be smooth and sure we must have our focus coinciding with The Lord's; for it is His focus that brings the wisdom and the power to endure and/or overcome. But that ability only manifests fully when our focus is in harmony with His.

Everyone's list is likely unique, but with no small similarity to the lists of others.

For example: One of the first things on everyone's list would be to 'seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness.'

The most common error is to assume we're further along than we actually are...but some also don't realize their progress enough. These two will manifest differently; with the former generally coming across as pridefulness or lack of compassion, while the latter usually shows itself as self pity or depression.

But whichever the case may be - our God is able to transform us into the ideal version of ourself, especially since Christ has fulfilled the vast majority of what it takes to make this possible...the only thing yet possibly lacking is our proper focus upon the thing(s) which The Lord knows need our attention at any given moment.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. <---> Philippians 4:8

And May The Lord Be Pleased to grant us the harmony of focus that will allow His Saving Power to deliver and preserve us from all that would stand in our way of being eternally in His Favor. Amen.

Thou art my portion, O LORD: I have said that I would keep thy words.
I intreated thy favour with my whole heart: be merciful unto me according to thy word. <---> Psalm 119:57+58

P.S. You might try exercising in water, but beware of high chlorine levels etc.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Water is indeed the only way I can do it. Working on getting access to a pool.

The challenge when dealing with family members, the ones I continue to associate with, or the ones I walked away from some time ago, is this: I am not allowed, whatsoever, for any reason, under any circumstances, to get angry. If I do, I am the problem. If I'm pushed too hard to do something unhealthy that I'm trying to stop doing, there are injured feelings all around. "Well! You didn't have to bite my head off! All you had to do was say no!" (As if I hadn't done that several times by now.) If, on occasion, someone *else* tells that person to knock it off and quit hassling me, the response may even be, "It was just a test. I wanted to see if she really meant it this time." (I meant it every time, but there is such a thing as being tempted beyond your strength, especially when they're doing it on purpose. Because if I do give in, they can then taunt me for being all talk and no commitment.)

I have, as I say, walked away from most of the problem. But then I get criticized as "not a good Christian" because they're related to me, and that means I have to have contact with them. I suppose that's the second half of my dilemma. Am I the rotten family member, because I walked away?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I apologize for the inconvenience, but I'm reconsidering something. It may be more support and encouragement I need than advice. I'll confer with other staff and see if this thread should be moved to Recovery. I shouldn't do it on my own. Bad form. Meanwhile, since it's here, you're welcome to comment as you like. Thanks for everyone's input.

 

[mina]

I've had family and friends that pushed pushed pushed something on me and then got upset when I reached my limit and got mad at them. People jsut don't get it sometimes. I find it effective to set boundaries and state: when you keep doing this, I will leave. It doesn't mean I hate you or am mad at you; it means I have to be healthy. And then remove myself from the situation if lines are crossed. People sometimes get mad, but you have to keep going forward. They may take it personally, but it's not personal towards them.

 

[Goodbook]

I just want to encourage you, if you do have angry feelings, to deal with them in healthy way that doesnt impinge on others or use it as anger as a way to exercise perhaps, like when people get frustrated they go to a boxing ring and have a work out. Or for a run.

Think Paul said dont let the sun go down on your anger.

I do sometimes have times when family members provoke me to anger but not very often cos I learned to not let them upset or bother me...it is THEIR problem and misunderstanding not mine.