Faith Crisis and ocd confusion

[Ajj]

Please excuse me if I have this in the wrong place, this is just urgent for me.

Hmm. Right now I feel like I know what I need. I wrote this after I wrote everything below. (I went to open gym volleyball for no reason but to just play I guess and in there I felt "okay" but I just couldn't tell why. I actually didn't feel like I was able to run anywhere as I also just started to feel like I had no more desire to live and so I just felt lost. But I did not give up there. I just remembered how I was feeling like I was close to just the end, as in unforgivable sin end, but I said no, I still haven't done it. Instead I prayed to God because I just needed to, I didn't feel like I wanted to prayer, I felt I had very little faith, a small ounce just hanging there. Even though I didn't really feel God I just confessed to him, I called out, begging him to change me, and after that prayer I received a YouTube comment and that comment had the answers that assured me and allowed me to not give up for another day. But cut to this day, volleyball gym, playing with friend and his family, feeling like I was just depressed. I started feeling lost and you know what I did? I prayed to God. Even though I didn't feel it as much, and right after that, about a minute I just started to think about and realize how I lived my life having a relationship with God, a close connection. And then I sorta thought that I had found what I needed. To have a relationship with Christ. To be invited back to knowing him, to finally being able to feel comfort (in a good way). But I just associated that answer with being just an emotional answer and so I started feeling forsaken again.
But. I fear and keep thinking about me not caring about having a relationship with Christ. Or me just giving up rather. Not trying. Like as if it would tire me out and be pointless but that's not it.
I just need to focus my eyes on God tbh. But below was my experience and it still isn't finished so yeah. Ask me and Ill probably finish it all. Below is experience and stuff.


Okay so beginning: I don't know if I believe or not, and I feel forsaken for not trusting Christ but instead listening to either my ocd or satans lies.
So basically how it all started was that I was just living in sin where I was just constantly keeping a stash of bad videos and constantly mtbing all the while feeling numb, feeling like I wasn't genuine. I felt that way because I was receiving videos that were literal signs from God and yet they did not actually hit me or click in my head.
I cant follow the conviction because im unable to believe, im unable to be rest assured.

 

[Ajj]

Please excuse me if I have this in the wrong place, this is just urgent for me.

Hmm. Right now I feel like I know what I need. I wrote this after I wrote everything below. (I went to open gym volleyball for no reason but to just play I guess and in there I felt "okay" but I just couldn't tell why. I actually didn't feel like I was able to run anywhere as I also just started to feel like I had no more desire to live and so I just felt lost. But I did not give up there. I just remembered how I was feeling like I was close to just the end, as in unforgivable sin end, but I said no, I still haven't done it. Instead I prayed to God because I just needed to, I didn't feel like I wanted to prayer, I felt I had very little faith, a small ounce just hanging there. Even though I didn't really feel God I just confessed to him, I called out, begging him to change me, and after that prayer I received a YouTube comment and that comment had the answers that assured me and allowed me to not give up for another day. But cut to this day, volleyball gym, playing with friend and his family, feeling like I was just depressed. I started feeling lost and you know what I did? I prayed to God. Even though I didn't feel it as much, and right after that, about a minute I just started to think about and realize how I lived my life having a relationship with God, a close connection. And then I sorta thought that I had found what I needed. To have a relationship with Christ. To be invited back to knowing him, to finally being able to feel comfort (in a good way). But I just associated that answer with being just an emotional answer and so I started feeling forsaken again.
But. I fear and keep thinking about me not caring about having a relationship with Christ. Or me just giving up rather. Not trying. Like as if it would tire me out and be pointless but that's not it.
I just need to focus my eyes on God tbh. But below was my experience and it still isn't finished so yeah. Ask me and Ill probably finish it all. Below is experience and stuff.


Okay so beginning: I don't know if I believe or not, and I feel forsaken for not trusting Christ but instead listening to either my ocd or satans lies.
So basically how it all started was that I was just living in sin where I was just constantly keeping a stash of bad videos and constantly mtbing all the while feeling numb, feeling like I wasn't genuine. I felt that way because I was receiving videos that were literal signs from God and yet they did not actually hit me or click in my head.
I cant follow the conviction because im unable to believe, im unable to be rest assured.

I just need help with re establishing or reconnecting with God, and our relationship. Even thoughh... Yeah.
The thing keeping me from doing that or feeling confident in it is that I think I may have believed satans lie that I committed the unforgivable sin, or that it was my ocd that I listened to when it said that I have no faith and no obligation to spirit. Actually feeling that way, like a what if you can feel as if it were like a fear, or like doubt or something, I can recount a similar experience where I couldnt feel God, I couldnt feel God enough to acknowledge him, to pray to him. But after a while I sorta just went back to normal except I kept suffering.
I need help with being committed to God and our relationship. So that I dont start focusing on my own life but rather living to show his light, so that others would be inspired and be saved by God.
But idk man. I just sorta feel forsaken, and I dont want to lose heart, even though losing heart wasnt even a possibility. I just feared that I would stray after this reconciliation and it just keeps making me feel that I would and is just holding me back from actually going to God, placing my faith in him, and resting assured in him. knowing all the goods, his love, his power, his justice but mercy, etc.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I just need help with re establishing or reconnecting with God, and our relationship. Even thoughh... Yeah.
The thing keeping me from doing that or feeling confident in it is that I think I may have believed satans lie that I committed the unforgivable sin, or that it was my ocd that I listened to when it said that I have no faith and no obligation to spirit. Actually feeling that way, like a what if you can feel as if it were like a fear, or like doubt or something, I can recount a similar experience where I couldnt feel God, I couldnt feel God enough to acknowledge him, to pray to him. But after a while I sorta just went back to normal except I kept suffering.
I need help with being committed to God and our relationship. So that I dont start focusing on my own life but rather living to show his light, so that others would be inspired and be saved by God.
But idk man. I just sorta feel forsaken, and I dont want to lose heart, even though losing heart wasnt even a possibility. I just feared that I would stray after this reconciliation and it just keeps making me feel that I would and is just holding me back from actually going to God, placing my faith in him, and resting assured in him. knowing all the goods, his love, his power, his justice but mercy, etc.

Welcome to CF. The unforgivable sin is simply the sin of "unbelief". There is no mystery just confusion that leads to doubt and then to fear.
Fear not and walk in peace.
Blessings.

 

[Ajj]

Welcome to CF. The unforgivable sin is simply the sin of "unbelief". There is no mystery just confusion that leads to doubt and then to fear.
Fear not and walk in peace.
Blessings.

I felt that I had committed that sin because I was sorta just spiritually apathetic and that made me reason that I lacked or had no faith even though I believed yet couldn't feel and I did things that were just right for God, praising him, even though I didn't even feel him or my faith. And probably this lack of connectedness that didn't make me feel safe or assured in life. Like I was just experiencing life and not living or surviving. But my biggest problem, or the reason why I came here is because I thought I had believed satans lie that I didn't believe, that I was an apostate, or listened to my ocd saying that I never had any faith and had no obligation to listen and therefore making me believe I lost my salvation even as I was unsure if it was even right. Like the doctrines I believed in were just seemingly false and it didn't make me feel all that, it was only when I saw a video where it talked about hardening of heart that you reject repentance that it made me cry and actually throw away the sinful videos I had. I stopped sinning for once and with my ocd instead of running to God I was put into this life of fear, dread, inadequacy that just led me to go into worse ocd flare ups. Then about 2 nights ago I just felt that I had lost my faith and I was not sure if I really did or not that it made me worried a little. I did not accept it, even when I stopped feeling the worries of the believer, condemnation, as if I had listened to my ocd but didn't give up. I was a little bit concerned and I went online searching for possible answers for reconciliation and repentance. But after sleeping I woke up, feeling a bit same but I just felt like all hope was lost but you know what I did? I called out to God and I genuinely tried my best to speak to him with the very little faith I thought I had left. I was crying. I was begging God. And he delivered answers and it felt like he offered repentance but I struggled to really believe and accept it because I kept thinking I didn't have the heart to commit myself to God.
To live for Christ. To give my life to him rather.
Also, I feel like my faith grew a little bit but during the whole crisis of faith I actually stopped caring about almost all things that weren't of God. I stopped being funny, I stopped having that much fun, I stopped moving around so much, I stopped having a dream. Life just started feeling worthless because I thought I was just unsavable. But yet I persisted and didn't give up.

But last night I just didn't want to go to sleep. I felt scared almost like I was fearful of sleeping, and I woke up feeling like existence was so weird. It felt so weird that I wasn't living. And that was just a couple minutes ago.

 

[Ajj]

Welcome to CF. The unforgivable sin is simply the sin of "unbelief". There is no mystery just confusion that leads to doubt and then to fear.
Fear not and walk in peace.
Blessings.

I just want the heart to want to know that God is inviting me back and that I can just repent of my "unbelief" I had experienced. This is why I wanted prayers.
Please pray for me.
But am I looking at this the wrong way? Like I don't feel like I would seek God, is it because I found him or ??? For me I was just living my life with my life given to him, you know following his commandments, but I sorta grew attached to volleyball or something else rather and I stopped valuing the things of the spirit almost. Not sure actually. That time too was a confusion between figuring if it was mental or spiritual issues.

 

[Mari17]

I just want the heart to want to know that God is inviting me back and that I can just repent of my "unbelief" I had experienced. This is why I wanted prayers.
Please pray for me.
But am I looking at this the wrong way? Like I don't feel like I would seek God, is it because I found him or ??? For me I was just living my life with my life given to him, you know following his commandments, but I sorta grew attached to volleyball or something else rather and I stopped valuing the things of the spirit almost. Not sure actually. That time too was a confusion between figuring if it was mental or spiritual issues.

Welcome! Thank you for reaching out. I too struggle with religious OCD, or scrupulosity. Fear of committing the unpardonable sin is very common among Christians with OCD. Are you currently getting any help such as therapy or medication for your OCD, or have you in the past?

 

[Ajj]

Welcome! Thank you for reaching out. I too struggle with religious OCD, or scrupulosity. Fear of committing the unpardonable sin is very common among Christians with OCD. Are you currently getting any help such as therapy or medication for your OCD, or have you in the past?

None at all.
And I think you'll stop listening to me after I say that I have self-diagnosed myself that if you were to ask me questions or have me recount experiences, you could just tell I have the symptoms. I self diagnosed myself with it because I tried explaining everything to all the people I tried to look to help for, almost knowing that by google I have had like around 5000 tabs of symptoms and some other stuff, in an effort to find what was wrong with me and I found it to be subtypes of ocd. Some were pure o but the 1st I struggled with was existential ocd or philosophical ocd where I kept on adding and adding so much possibilities of absolute terror or annihilation to the things and people I valued. No amount of evidence or literal science kept me calm and assured. None. I guess the other was hocd or the pure o, where again, no evidence soothed me but rather made me even more distressed, I only looked for things that validated my feelings so that I would be assured that I was straight and did not tolerate homosexuality for myself.

But. Now it's sorta like meta ocd where I just keep wondering if it's ocd or not and I keep doubting it, or I just keep seeing that it wasnt my ocd and it really was me that lost faith and not my ocd making me feel like it.
I truly say this that no one has even given me the right diagnosis. I have had to fill out ptsd papers and I was like . Something happened but something else also happened before that. So it wasn't the full story and instead I was just diagnosed with acute stress disorder. It was pretty accurate and I agreed, but like ptsd? No. It sorta just ended. But the asd was accurate but I feel like I'm being treated the wrong things for that diagnosis as that was like last year sophomore year of hs. But I tell you this. I don't even have confidence that it's ocd. Ocd is just the most accurate. But please listen to me. Please.

I have just been suffering alone finding the answers to my ocd and realizing how I just had ocd when I was younger but still thought it was normal. (Magical thinking ocd)
I got so desperate. I just need someone to listen. Honestly.

But no. No help at all from people irl. Just online.

 

[paulmartinnnnnnn]

Hi! I need some help!

I have struggled with doubting for a few years now and I’m wondering if this verse means God doesn’t want me to have joy in seasons of doubt: “ No one has ever really answered this question straight for me: Considering this verse, Does God just want me to be miserable because I have doubts I can’t control and can’t have certainty because of my OCD (the doubting disease). Or Can I be content knowing that He knows I can’t control it and continue to trust Him as much as I can? It is said that faith is a gift, so if I don’t have that gift in abundance, does this verse mean that God just wants me to lack joy?



It feels stupid to think that I’d only be allowed to have joy when I have something (evidence of God that is good enough for my OCD) that I can’t even control whether I have or not.

 

[Ajj]

Hi! I need some help!

I have struggled with doubting for a few years now and I’m wondering if this verse means God doesn’t want me to have joy in seasons of doubt: “ No one has ever really answered this question straight for me: Considering this verse, Does God just want me to be miserable because I have doubts I can’t control and can’t have certainty because of my OCD (the doubting disease). Or Can I be content knowing that He knows I can’t control it and continue to trust Him as much as I can? It is said that faith is a gift, so if I don’t have that gift in abundance, does this verse mean that God just wants me to lack joy?



It feels stupid to think that I’d only be allowed to have joy when I have something (evidence of God that is good enough for my OCD) that I can’t even control whether I have or not.

By doubts it is meant by a lack of faith. Or like unbelief. Doubt is not the same as unbelief but here he is talking about unbelief. Doubt is normal and is an opportunity while unbelief is more like a rejection for whatever reason. If its your doubts from ocd and know its your ocd, then of course you can still have fun, its just you need to seek help for your ocd. Yes just trust him and know how your doubts don't really amount to anything when you receive the answers and don't accept them. Trust God.
And yes, you can have joy. Have joy coming from the Lord, doing all you do just as if your doing it like Christ.

 

[Mari17]

None at all.
And I think you'll stop listening to me after I say that I have self-diagnosed myself that if you were to ask me questions or have me recount experiences, you could just tell I have the symptoms. I self diagnosed myself with it because I tried explaining everything to all the people I tried to look to help for, almost knowing that by google I have had like around 5000 tabs of symptoms and some other stuff, in an effort to find what was wrong with me and I found it to be subtypes of ocd. Some were pure o but the 1st I struggled with was existential ocd or philosophical ocd where I kept on adding and adding so much possibilities of absolute terror or annihilation to the things and people I valued. No amount of evidence or literal science kept me calm and assured. None. I guess the other was hocd or the pure o, where again, no evidence soothed me but rather made me even more distressed, I only looked for things that validated my feelings so that I would be assured that I was straight and did not tolerate homosexuality for myself.

But. Now it's sorta like meta ocd where I just keep wondering if it's ocd or not and I keep doubting it, or I just keep seeing that it wasnt my ocd and it really was me that lost faith and not my ocd making me feel like it.
I truly say this that no one has even given me the right diagnosis. I have had to fill out ptsd papers and I was like . Something happened but something else also happened before that. So it wasn't the full story and instead I was just diagnosed with acute stress disorder. It was pretty accurate and I agreed, but like ptsd? No. It sorta just ended. But the asd was accurate but I feel like I'm being treated the wrong things for that diagnosis as that was like last year sophomore year of hs. But I tell you this. I don't even have confidence that it's ocd. Ocd is just the most accurate. But please listen to me. Please.

I have just been suffering alone finding the answers to my ocd and realizing how I just had ocd when I was younger but still thought it was normal. (Magical thinking ocd)
I got so desperate. I just need someone to listen. Honestly.

But no. No help at all from people irl. Just online.

I am sorry for answering so late! How have you been doing lately?

 

[Ajj]

I am sorry for answering so late! How have you been doing lately?

Not good. For now. I would rather I share my journal than talk about it because explaining it over and over is just a lot for me. Today is not so good. During my struggles, I had faith, now I am just still in spiritual warfare but I am being deceived, I am not trusting in God, or just unaware of him, so I am trying to find my way back, forgetting that i need to be walking in spirit, but forgetting my obligations and God, as a 'believer'. Its just a lot. Mentally and spiritually, physically at this point too. My journal is on google docs I can share the doc with you as a viewer or suggestions.

 

[Mari17]

Not good. For now. I would rather I share my journal than talk about it because explaining it over and over is just a lot for me. Today is not so good. During my struggles, I had faith, now I am just still in spiritual warfare but I am being deceived, I am not trusting in God, or just unaware of him, so I am trying to find my way back, forgetting that i need to be walking in spirit, but forgetting my obligations and God, as a 'believer'. Its just a lot. Mentally and spiritually, physically at this point too. My journal is on google docs I can share the doc with you as a viewer or suggestions.

I am sorry to hear that. Have you been able to learn much about treating your OCD/scrupulosity?

 

[Ajj]

I am sorry to hear that. Have you been able to learn much about treating your OCD/scrupulosity?

No. My appointment is in September and was scheduled last month during the pivotal moments of my existence. The only thing I am looking for is reconciliation, answers, belief, trust, or faith strengthened.

But I just need him. I need to know that I need him. I need to know things and I am asking for his help in this, and to stop distancing myself in the mind of someone who is agnostic like, but a saved soul, BUT I DONT WANT TO REJECT MY SALVATION, OR HIS GRACE, OR HIM, JUST BY NOT BELIEVING BECAUSE OF AN "INTELLECTUAL" MISCONCEPTION.
I need answers, I need to stop thinking about 'knowing' God is with me, but like to actually know he is with us. And that it isnt really an uncertain thing, but it just becomes knowledge for us, and i reduced it from knowledge to subjective belief, blind faith and obedience. Now I am thinking that way. Please help me. I need answers and ways to truly know. Instead of constantly thinking about believing or whatever.
I essentially labeled my 'knowledge' as purely subjective and have fooled myself that way. I just don't want to go deep without God. I just know I need him.
Now I am wondering if its really my existence or my subjective faith or belief. But no, this is the truth, the truth about reality that I keep thinking, or rather not thinking it as reality.
I need to remember I just still have a personal connection to God, and I need to stop thinking about it all being a hoax, or accepting the speculation as for a true position.
I am now actually in an "intellectual" problem or doubt with the very nature of faith, questioning the very motives of Christianity, and so it is actually pretty complicated for me.. making me forget my faith, losing touch with it. But it is the path of faith I am truly on right now, not an "intellectual" confusion.
But I really would talk to an apologist or rather any old believer, its quite complicated and it is basically ruining my belief in God himself, ruining my past experiences, wondering if it is true or not, or if I am misplacing the stock to God, or to my faith. But I do not wish to reject Christ, not to reject God. No. I don't wish to apostatize either, for if I had the real understanding or position of faith, I would in fact fear it, or not want it. But for me, it is a simple "no, I am not going to do that" and so I am questioning myself too. It is very undermining or deconstructive so yea, I DO NOT, want to convince myself completely God does not exist, or that I am not talking to anyone. No I am still talking. But I desperately need to know that God truly is here, or I am feeding myself false expectations for spiritual eyes, or walking in faith. I need to be holding onto the right God. I do not wish to lose faith. Nor belief, even though it is just not supposed to be much of a possibility for someone who is really saved. I DO NOT WANT to repudiate his works in me by being convinced of my own speculations towards it.

 

[Mari17]

No. My appointment is in September and was scheduled last month during the pivotal moments of my existence. The only thing I am looking for is reconciliation, answers, belief, trust, or faith strengthened.

But I just need him. I need to know that I need him. I need to know things and I am asking for his help in this, and to stop distancing myself in the mind of someone who is agnostic like, but a saved soul, BUT I DONT WANT TO REJECT MY SALVATION, OR HIS GRACE, OR HIM, JUST BY NOT BELIEVING BECAUSE OF AN "INTELLECTUAL" MISCONCEPTION.
I need answers, I need to stop thinking about 'knowing' God is with me, but like to actually know he is with us. And that it isnt really an uncertain thing, but it just becomes knowledge for us, and i reduced it from knowledge to subjective belief, blind faith and obedience. Now I am thinking that way. Please help me. I need answers and ways to truly know. Instead of constantly thinking about believing or whatever.
I essentially labeled my 'knowledge' as purely subjective and have fooled myself that way. I just don't want to go deep without God. I just know I need him.
Now I am wondering if its really my existence or my subjective faith or belief. But no, this is the truth, the truth about reality that I keep thinking, or rather not thinking it as reality.
I need to remember I just still have a personal connection to God, and I need to stop thinking about it all being a hoax, or accepting the speculation as for a true position.
I am now actually in an "intellectual" problem or doubt with the very nature of faith, questioning the very motives of Christianity, and so it is actually pretty complicated for me.. making me forget my faith, losing touch with it. But it is the path of faith I am truly on right now, not an "intellectual" confusion.
But I really would talk to an apologist or rather any old believer, its quite complicated and it is basically ruining my belief in God himself, ruining my past experiences, wondering if it is true or not, or if I am misplacing the stock to God, or to my faith. But I do not wish to reject Christ, not to reject God. No. I don't wish to apostatize either, for if I had the real understanding or position of faith, I would in fact fear it, or not want it. But for me, it is a simple "no, I am not going to do that" and so I am questioning myself too. It is very undermining or deconstructive so yea, I DO NOT, want to convince myself completely God does not exist, or that I am not talking to anyone. No I am still talking. But I desperately need to know that God truly is here, or I am feeding myself false expectations for spiritual eyes, or walking in faith. I need to be holding onto the right God. I do not wish to lose faith. Nor belief, even though it is just not supposed to be much of a possibility for someone who is really saved. I DO NOT WANT to repudiate his works in me by being convinced of my own speculations towards it.

I am sorry that I have not been very good about answering in a timely manner. Are you familiar with the different types of OCD, for example, religious OCD (otherwise known as scrupulosity), existential OCD, etc.? Also, do you find yourself overthinking about a lot of things, and how long have you been dealing with this kind of overthinking?

 

[Robo23]

There is a (very long) article on OCD that may really resonate with you; it helped me out. Check it out on Scrupulosity: Salvation worry. Severe guilt.. This OCD stuff is a mess.