Wife in love with another man

[dplus4]

Ok, this is my first time on a site like this, but it looks like a lot of people have decent advice. My question is in regards to staying in my home during a very tough time. A little background: my wife and I will be married 10 years come the first of the year. We are Christian, we have 3 kids - 9, 9 & 2. Several weeks ago, I noticed her suspiciously on the phone a lot more than normal. I checked the phone bill and noticed many texts and calls to some unknown numbers. I asked her about them and she said "it doesn't matter, I'm not in love with you and I haven't been for the whole time, I want a divorce."

I was pretty hurt to say the least (she has since apologized for saying that she NEVER loved me...). I started sleeping on the couch. About a week after that I walked by the bedroom to put something away and I saw her on her phone. Ok, no biggie. But when I went back in the kitchen and started doing some dishes, something dinged and it was her actual phone on the side of the diaper bag. At this point I know she has another phone (this other guy bought it for her so they could talk/text/message in peace), I call her on it and she says that she is in love with someone else and that person is her ex that she was dating 11 years ago - she broke it off with him then to date me. She said she has always loved him/had feelings for him. They have already met up several times and kissed she admits. She met him for his birthday and she bought him gifts. What else, I don't care to ask.

Sorry for the long intro, but here's my issue. I want to walk out, but through much prayer and Godly friends, I have decided to stay strong, stay in the house for my 3 boys and be an example for them, stay courageous as the pillar in all of this - it will have to be her leaving....if that is her choice. She said that if she leaves, she will take the kids. She doesn't have the resources to live on her own with the kids - of course I am 100% on board with child support, if it comes to that. I truly feel strong in my decision to stay. I feel that I cant abandon my family, but i know it will hurt. She said she is not going to stop talking to him. She seems really into him - says its not a fantasy.

I guess my post is more for support than anything else. I know some people will say that I should leave and not tolerate her behavior. I am staying in my home and telling her that the ball is in her court. I am truly leaving this in God's hands.

 

[Dave-W]

You need to get YOURSELF to a good godly Christian marriage counselor. Go over all the details. Including whether or not the other man claims to be a christian or not.

This is a complicated situation; TOO complicated for anyone here to give a trite or pat answer.

 

[myarogancewasblottedout]

well as someone from the 3rd idiot's wheel's point of view (she newly married and i only love bible's imagination of them(5th dimension=alternate futures)), i asked holy bible what to do, and it said love god with all my heart... it's hard, and i punch myself in the head when i think of her.

second is a little more tricky, it is Buddhist's attaining nirvana (extinguishing) ... it means to ignore delusion. Mind you, i know holy bible is john/1-1
========================
and genesis/1 is true in every sense, because look for dimensions (dimensions = 1st dimension = line, 4th dimension = time, 5th = alternate futures(hope), 6th=all possibilities(plans/freedom) , 7th = commandments)

This means that as humans/animals, you have the ability (the scientifically physical necessity to plan and fullfill plans) to make your future. Jesus gave us COMMANDMENTS. PLEASE http://www.google.com/search?q=new+commandment+Jesus+bible.
I know it seems distant of him, please try and DO his COMMANDMENTS, rather than 'leave' it 'up to her' (because that is not victorious... do not be a coward or anything that is worthy of lake of fire in revelations.) http://www.google.com/search?q=second+death+cowards+revelations+bible
=====================================
and adam and eve, i believe in adam and eve too, adam = Europe on map, and india = eve on map. i take it you haven't been to sri lanka? that's where "adam's peak" is , where adam landed on the earth.

 

[ys2000]

Exactly, leave it in God's hand and at the same time make your prayer life solid rock. Stand still and see the deliverance of God on your behalf and your wife in this matter. As an encouragement to you both if possible take time out to watch the new film "War Room".

I know you will be blessed.
Take care and God bless!

 

[SirKenin]

Hi dplus (if that IS your real name lol).

You have no choice but to stay. You're right, you have three children. Divorce is like murdering your children. I applaud you that you are willing to man up and do what you need to do.

Unfortunately I can't say that for the rest of your behaviour over ten years. You're supposed to be the man that your wife would cheat on you with. That obviously didn't happen because she's jumping him and he isn't you. There's something wrong with that picture, something telling.

It's half her fault, make no mistake, but this post isn't about her. It's about what you can do to survive this slaughter, because that's what's happened. You went into the thick of the battle and got your butt kicked. You've got arrows sticking out of you, your clothes are torn, you're bleeding bad. You lost a boot back there somewhere.

Time to pull those arrows. Find some good men (not drinking buddies) that you can trust and that will keep confidential anything that transpires. You need to have a good dump.

Also, there's a nifty saying I like to remember in times like these. Everything that transpires in my life reveals something about ME as a man. What you do anywhere is what you do everywhere. This isn't the only place you're getting your butt kicked.

This cheating thing? Well, yeah. She's saving a horse and riding a cowboy. It happens. Ultimately all it really is when you get right down to it is a blow to your ego and an in-your-face that you screwed up. You need to find a way past that if you're going to survive this.

It's time to man up and get back in your power. What is it that makes you feel like a powerful man? What's keeping you from feeling that way? Addictions? Skeletons in the closet? Crappy life as a child? Unresolved issues with your parents? The cancellation of Pepsi Throwback? It's time to do some hard work around what that looks like for you.

You can't control her in any way (not that it sounds like you want to) but you can control yourself. Be the man you want to be. Be a good guest that someone would invite over for dinner. You are the guest, after all. If you burp and fart and go running for the TV before the dishes have left the table I wouldn't invite you back. Look for things like being a good listener. How many different ways do you show her you love her? How often? Do you dump on her about the bad day at work or financial pressures (STOP IT!!). Do you actively listen, strategically inserting "yes", "wow", "really?", "mmm" and "mmmhmmm"? God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. How is your "yes dear" doing? Take a look around your work area at home. Whether or not you have stuff piled all over the place is it impeccable?

Stuff to start. You have to survive this thing, there's no choice. Might as well make it tolerable. Not only that, fixing the small stupid things (and that's all they are, really, in the grand scheme of things) is a whole lot cheaper than a divorce and murdering the children.

Beat the drums. Dance around the fire. Put that war paint on.

And good luck.

 

[Brianlear]

I think you are being tempted into complacency but mistaking it for "strength". Putting the "ball in her court" is just an invitation for her to keep doing what she has been doing. I find it concerning that this all happened so suddenly, the way you type the story, it's like you had no idea and never saw it coming. Is that really true?
If you really love her and want to stay married, you are going to need to fight. It kind of sounds like you are sitting back, scared to confront her, thinking you can stay "neutral". I don't sense enough anger or fire in you. Is that what she is missing too?
I would confront her, tell her that you are going to fight for your marriage, tell her to toss her phone that she uses to talk to him, and that you aren't going to accept anything other than restoration of your marriage, starting now. It's going to get dirty, there will be shouting probably. Don't back down.

 

[98cwitr]

I agree on both accounts. Staying is half the battle, but the other half is to fight

 

[Hotinco]

I encourage you to stay, it will all be devastating to your kids, but knowing you did not abandon them will be some comfort. You need to work two fronts, if you want to reconcile. Speak to a counselor and deal with your emotions. Also speak to an attorney and know what you need to do if she refuses to reconcile.

Reconciliation is always best but not always possible, you both have to want it. If that is not an option you need to do all the right thing and protect you and your kids.

This is always heart breaking with no easy answers. I pray God gives you wisdom and strength. Don't give up God can turn this all around if you are open.

 

[kmrichard7]

Divorce is like murdering your children.

I loathe divorce but.... This is just absurd.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Ok, this is my first time on a site like this, but it looks like a lot of people have decent advice. My question is in regards to staying in my home during a very tough time. A little background: my wife and I will be married 10 years come the first of the year. We are Christian, we have 3 kids - 9, 9 & 2. Several weeks ago, I noticed her suspiciously on the phone a lot more than normal. I checked the phone bill and noticed many texts and calls to some unknown numbers. I asked her about them and she said "it doesn't matter, I'm not in love with you and I haven't been for the whole time, I want a divorce."

I was pretty hurt to say the least (she has since apologized for saying that she NEVER loved me...). I started sleeping on the couch. About a week after that I walked by the bedroom to put something away and I saw her on her phone. Ok, no biggie. But when I went back in the kitchen and started doing some dishes, something dinged and it was her actual phone on the side of the diaper bag. At this point I know she has another phone (this other guy bought it for her so they could talk/text/message in peace), I call her on it and she says that she is in love with someone else and that person is her ex that she was dating 11 years ago - she broke it off with him then to date me. She said she has always loved him/had feelings for him. They have already met up several times and kissed she admits. She met him for his birthday and she bought him gifts. What else, I don't care to ask.

Sorry for the long intro, but here's my issue. I want to walk out, but through much prayer and Godly friends, I have decided to stay strong, stay in the house for my 3 boys and be an example for them, stay courageous as the pillar in all of this - it will have to be her leaving....if that is her choice. She said that if she leaves, she will take the kids. She doesn't have the resources to live on her own with the kids - of course I am 100% on board with child support, if it comes to that. I truly feel strong in my decision to stay. I feel that I cant abandon my family, but i know it will hurt. She said she is not going to stop talking to him. She seems really into him - says its not a fantasy.

I guess my post is more for support than anything else. I know some people will say that I should leave and not tolerate her behavior. I am staying in my home and telling her that the ball is in her court. I am truly leaving this in God's hands.

I think that what you are doing is the right thing.

 

[STANDER_PTY]

Ok, this is my first time on a site like this, but it looks like a lot of people have decent advice. My question is in regards to staying in my home during a very tough time. A little background: my wife and I will be married 10 years come the first of the year. We are Christian, we have 3 kids - 9, 9 & 2. Several weeks ago, I noticed her suspiciously on the phone a lot more than normal. I checked the phone bill and noticed many texts and calls to some unknown numbers. I asked her about them and she said "it doesn't matter, I'm not in love with you and I haven't been for the whole time, I want a divorce."

I was pretty hurt to say the least (she has since apologized for saying that she NEVER loved me...). I started sleeping on the couch. About a week after that I walked by the bedroom to put something away and I saw her on her phone. Ok, no biggie. But when I went back in the kitchen and started doing some dishes, something dinged and it was her actual phone on the side of the diaper bag. At this point I know she has another phone (this other guy bought it for her so they could talk/text/message in peace), I call her on it and she says that she is in love with someone else and that person is her ex that she was dating 11 years ago - she broke it off with him then to date me. She said she has always loved him/had feelings for him. They have already met up several times and kissed she admits. She met him for his birthday and she bought him gifts. What else, I don't care to ask.

Sorry for the long intro, but here's my issue. I want to walk out, but through much prayer and Godly friends, I have decided to stay strong, stay in the house for my 3 boys and be an example for them, stay courageous as the pillar in all of this - it will have to be her leaving....if that is her choice. She said that if she leaves, she will take the kids. She doesn't have the resources to live on her own with the kids - of course I am 100% on board with child support, if it comes to that. I truly feel strong in my decision to stay. I feel that I cant abandon my family, but i know it will hurt. She said she is not going to stop talking to him. She seems really into him - says its not a fantasy.

I guess my post is more for support than anything else. I know some people will say that I should leave and not tolerate her behavior. I am staying in my home and telling her that the ball is in her court. I am truly leaving this in God's hands.

Hi,

My situation is very similar to yours. We have 2 kids; 3 and 11. We´ve been married for 15 years. We are living separated under the same roof(for around 6 months), but she wont admit she´s having an affair, even though its pretty obvious. At the beginning of this situation I made it clear to her that I dont have a reason to leave, so I´m not going anywhere.
My little ones need my support now more than ever. You see, affairs come attached with other things besides the infidelity itself. The person acts like a completely different individual and makes many mistakes, one of those mistakes is that he/she becomes so self-centered and selfish, that will spend less time with the kids. If I leave(that would be good for my mental health,though) , besides the pain I will cause them(and they would not understand its not my fault because Im the one leaving the home), I would be a coward for leaving them with a person that is not able to give them what they need 100%(I dont mean money, I mean attention and affection)
Some people say the ones that stay like this are cowards. I dont think so, its the opposite. You´ve got to have real courage to live this way and stand for your children, you´ve got to live day by day this situation to say its coward to stay. If you havent been there, you dont have the right to say so, because its a mental struggle every day.
Only thing that is holding me is my Lord Jesus. I´ve started praying and reading the word daily for guidance. I pray asking my Lord for guidance to do what is right and to forgive me for my sins and to change me to the person he wants me to be. I also pray for protection for my children and for my wife to see the light. There´s a good page for marriage standers(rejoiceministries.org) This has helped me a lot, since I struggle constantly with feelings of revenge and feel tempted to go out and get a female companion, which is not right to do(at least at this moment)
If you´re strong enough to stay, stay. Only thing is, I think you must set boundaries between you and your wife. Being under the same roof does not mean she will do whatever she wants with no consequences. You must be polite, of course, but you must draw a line between you both if she plans to continue with her affair. If you can stay calm and not argue, stay (she will provoke you to fight, count on it). If the home will become a warzone, this is not good for the kids. Try to use this time to get closer to the Lord, grow spiritually and to get closer to your kids and give them more affection than ever before. Let her make the decision to walk away or reconcile, I know its super hard to do so, but I also think its the right thing to do. Only God can help us , so step back from your wife, pray and let God do his will. If you want to talk, you can give me your email and we can exchange ideas and support. Good luck and stand strong my friend.

 

[thejdawg]

Let me say that I am basically in the same boat as you. I've been married for 10 years, I have 3 kids and currently I'm separated, living apart now. I found out about the other man the day my wife asked for a separation. I really had no idea and I always trusted her. We've been separated for 4 months now with really no change in site except that her heart is soft towards me. We really only talk about the kids and spent time as a family for one of the kids birthdays so far. Since my kids are in sports we see each other a couple times a week now. I didn't turn to God until about the middle of the second month. At this point I have turned everything into his hands. I try and keep my lips zipped and just talk about the kids. It certainly is hard because I absolutely hate being away from the kids when I don't have them and of course I miss my wife. If you want to exchange email and could use support, I'm all in as well.

 

[Murby]

I'm going to be the first to say I am sorry for some of the advice you've gotten above. Not all of it is bad, but some of this stuff is just off the wall ridiculous.

Ok, let me say that your relationship is done.. I hate saying that but it is what it is. The next thing you need to do is to figure out what the best course of action is. This will be very dependent on a great number of circumstances.. but here's some tips:

You need to check your state laws.. some states have laws called "alienation of affection".. basically, it allows you to sue the person alienating your wife from you..

I would also get a lawyer to see what he has to say. He may be able to give you some advice so that you don't get taken to the cleaners financially.

I would suggest you do some research and find out everything you can about this "other guy".. I mean everything.. is he married? Kids? where does he work? Criminal history?
Information is power and you need to figure out if he has any weak spots.

You also need to document your wife's behavior. For about $40, you can buy software to load on her phone(s) that will record everything she says or does or goes.. Short of that, I would GPS her car.. (LandSeaAir.com makes a great little GPS tracker with a magnet).

This is serious stuff.. if this other guy has herpes or something and she catches it, she could transfer it to your kids.. If she is showing loyalty to this other guy, you could be in physical danger.. who know what he could do.

One more suggestion.. When parents get divorced, its not the separation that hurts the children.. its the fighting between the parents.. its the bad attitudes toward each other that the kids see. That does more damage than anything.

Get an attorney and figure out what your options are.. he might have some really good advice.