Who decides where the family should attend church?

[LovebirdsFlying]

I was recently confronted by a deacon who told me that, since my husband is the spiritual head of our family, he should be the one to decide where we go to church. As the wife, I should go where he chooses, rather than deciding for myself whether to attend that church or a different one. Agree or disagree? Or somewhere in between?

Also, what would be some valid reasons for changing churches? Please note, I am not talking about switching to a different denomination or a different set of beliefs. Both churches involved here preach Scripturally sound messages from the pulpit. The difference is in the dynamics of the congregation. And then, oh boy is that different.

I attended Church A with my husband for roughly 15 years. I didn't like it, almost from the very beginning, but my husband is change-resistant by nature and didn't want to go through the process of searching again. I have always felt strongly that husband and wife should go to the same church. The deacon, who by the way is from Church A, agreed with me on that point. He simply feels it is the husband, not the wife, who should decide which one it is. Essentially, for 15 years I was going to Church A because hubby was going to Church A, despite the fact that I was getting little to nothing out of it. Then he took a job where he would be out of town a good part of the time. I would be attending services alone at least every other week, possibly more. Suddenly "I'm going there with him because he wants to" was no longer a good enough reason. That being the case, we both agreed that it's better to find a church I do like, if I'm going without him.

Enter Church B. I felt at home from the very moment I set foot in the door. I told Hubby how much I loved it. The following week he went with me and gave it his "it's Biblical" stamp of approval. Yet he still has a few good friends in Church A, and he's still change-resistant. Hubby and I worked out an agreement. If I'm going to church alone, I go to Church B. If we're going together, we go to Church B. This, he proposed as a way to reward me for getting up and going to church, since I did have an attendance problem at Church A. He'd rather see me go to Church B than to no church at all. But if for some reason I don't attend services, maybe I'm sick or working, and he goes alone, he'll go to Church A. Twice a year, Church B doesn't hold services; instead they go out into the community and do charitable work for places that need it. When that happens, if I'm not part of it, I suppose I could go to Church A with my husband. But I ain't setting foot in there again, unless the Lord Himself comes down from Heaven and tells me to. Here is why.

1.) In those 15 years, we have watched Church A dwindle from a congregation of about 60 to 70, which is not large to begin with, to maybe 25 on a good day. Say what you will, but "tiny and shrinking" is never a good sign. Many of our most beloved members have either passed away or retired and moved out of state. There used to be children's and youth programs; there no longer are, because there are no longer any children or youth. In our late 50's to early 60's, my husband and I are consistently among the church's *youngest* members. (On paper I am still a member of Church A even though I haven't been there in over a year.) The average age of the congregants is well over 70+. It's increasingly rare to find anyone who is still working, as opposed to retired. I can understand, when I was 19, being celebrated on Mother's Day as the youngest mother present. I should not, at my current age, still be the youngest mother present. Yet I am. Young visitors and families with children tend to not come back a second time. By contrast, at Church B there is a sizeable enough congregation of all generations, from senior citizen to infant, that we have a full and active children's and youth ministry.

2.) In fact, I am part of that children's ministry at Church B, whereas at Church A there was no place for me to fit in. Everything I attempted to do or to join, "Oh, no thank you. We've got it covered." Even when I had full-blown depressive episodes over not contributing and not feeling useful, and if we're all part of the body, I must be the appendix or something else completely unnecessary, the only response I got was, "Oh, you're not useless. I enjoy seeing your smile. That's a blessing by itself." Is that all I'm good for? To sit there like an ornament and keep the pews warm? Do I have nothing better to contribute than that? The Church A deacon's wife is nominally head of the now nonexistent children's department, and she remarked, "Well, I could use help with children's church too." I then asked if they ever actually get any children, and she replied no. Sorry-not-sorry, but if I have a choice between doing nothing and participating, I want to go where I can participate.

3.) On a more personal note, I have been the "new kid in class" too many times in my life. It's ironic, I think, that I feel less of that open-and-exposed feeling at Church B, which I have been attending for a year, than at Church A, which I attended for 15 years. At Church B, they are friendly and welcoming while allowing people their personal space. In fact, on my first visit I was chatting so comfortably with one lady as we walked through the door that people thought we had arrived together. No, we'd never seen each other before. I simply felt that much at home. At Church A, they're friendly too, but.... well, there's friendly, and then there's friendly. I will be bum-rushed at the door and asked the same questions at least 20 times. Yet, even though they have me under an uncomfortable microscope, they don't seem to really know me. My name has only four letters in it, but a good many of them have never learned to pronounce it even though I have pronounced it for them dozens of times. Once I got to the point where I finally gave up on correcting them, one member said joyfully, "Oh, good. She's finally learned to accept it!" Accept what? The fact that people who claim to love me can't be bothered to get my name right?

4.) Also personal, and also evidence that they don't really know me at Church A. Years ago I was injured in a car accident and it took me a long time to recover. That's largely thanks to God providing me with a husband who saw to it that I got the medical attention I needed. Since then I have learned to drive, something I was late in doing for complicated reasons. I have become increasingly stronger. Whereas I was on disability when my husband and I met, I am now able to work. In fact, I am in classes to regain my nursing assistant certification. That's a job that, after the accident, I thought I could never do again. Praise God! This said, nothing makes me angry faster than someone assuming I'm still stuck at a hurdle I cleared a long time ago. One day Hubby and I attended Church A in separate vehicles because we were going different places after church. When he left without me, two people approached me separately and asked me how I was getting home. Both of them were surprised by my answer. "Oh! You can drive? I didn't know!" At that point, I had been licensed for five years. "But they remember when you couldn't," said the deacon's wife. I don't give a hangnail if they do, I answer. Let's replace driving with any other life skill. Let's say I come up to you and ask you if your diaper is wet, and do you need help changing it? When you indignantly explain that you are well able to go to the bathroom for yourself, I act surprised and delighted. "Oh! I didn't know you had learned how to use the toilet! I remember when you couldn't! I'm so proud of you!" Now, wouldn't you feel just a little bit belittled? Nobody at Church B bats an eyelash when I drive into the parking lot by myself. Nobody gets flustered at any mere mention of me getting a job. Nobody asks doubtfully if I'm suuuuure I can handle this or that. I suppose I must say I am still disabled, since diabetes is a disability, but I no longer even walk with a cane. I still have trouble on stairs sometimes, or a steep curb, but that too is improving. You know what I did today? Several times, in fact? Actually bent my knees to pick something up. I didn't used to be able to squat. Now I almost can. Church B doesn't treat me like I'm "handicapped" and needlessly fuss over me. Maybe it's because they never saw me in that condition, but still, if Church A has me under that microscope, you'd think they'd have noticed the improvement. I don't need reminders that I used to be weak and defective, as I felt.

5.) Finally, the only political discussion I have heard at Church B is that it is perfectly fine to disagree with our leaders, or even disapprove of them, but we should not disrespect them. The pastor gave as an example Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. When confronted with King Nebuchadnezzar, they didn't gather in groups and chant whatever the equivalent of "Let's go, Brandon!" would have been. Instead, they kept their language and tone respectful as they politely declined to obey. "No, your majesty, we will not bow before your gold statue. We will worship God alone. He outranks you." At Church A, I have heard more discussion about how much people hate Joe Biden or Nancy Pelosi than about how much they love Jesus Christ.

These are the reasons I have chosen Church B. I do fully accept that my husband is the spiritual head of our household, and in that capacity, he has told me to go to the church of my choice. That, I can easily accept and submit to. But the Lord gave me a wonderful husband. What if a wife really, really disliked a church that her husband really, really loved? Should she shut up and go with him? Also, given the above, do you think they are valid reasons for choosing Church B over Church A? Even after going to Church A for 15 years?

 

[Paidiske]

When my husband and I got married, we belonged to different churches. On our first Sunday back after our honeymoon, my vicar bailed me up at the door on the way out and said, "I realise we might lose you, but now that you're married, you need to worship under your husband's headship." Well, he lost me, but not to my husband's church!

If it's important to you to go to church together, then it's important that you both have input into where you go, so that you can find somewhere (ideally) where you can both grow, and neither of you has to deal with damaging messages or behaviour. This may require some compromise on the part of one spouse or the other, since you're unlikely to both like everything about a church to the same degree. Of your reasons for moving, being able to participate and use your gifts stands out to me as particularly important.

But no, I don't think someone with a less-wonderful husband than yours should have to put up with controlling behaviour that's to her own detriment. That would be an abuse of "headship."

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Oh, I wanted to leave Church A long before I actually did. But Hubby didn't understand. He thought So-and-So maybe said something that hurt my feelings, and we can't go changing churches every time we don't like somebody, because there is always going to be somebody we don't like. Even though he doesn't drive for Greyhound anymore, I'm thankful that he did for a while, because that's when I had the opportunity to change.

I think the Church A deacon believes that if a particular church is in trouble, you should stay and try to fix the problem instead of changing to a different one. No, I don't think I can go along with that. Church A and Church B both contain members of the Body of Christ. Funny, Hubby freely admits that yes, Church A is dying, but he says he doesn't want to help it die by leaving it. Yet he was willing and eager to find another job because he saw Greyhound as a sinking ship. He didn't need much convincing there. But with Church A, he's not so quick to head for the lifeboats. I wonder if he would see this as a contradiction. Does anyone else?

I didn't mention in this thread that, as a person with PTSD and a depressive disorder, I have spoken to many a mental health professional who heard me describe Church A and said, "That sounds like a highly toxic environment." (Yes, these are mental health professionals who are also Christian.) I don't see how any place that is bad for me mentally can be good for me spirituallly.

 

[Paidiske]

I think there's a time to stay and try to help a place change, and there's a time to go and contribute one's gifts elsewhere. Which is the right answer is any given situation is a matter for careful discernment, not something that will be the same answer every time.

But yep, somewhere that is bad for you mentally is probably a pretty good reason to go elsewhere!

 

[chevyontheriver]

I was recently confronted by a deacon who told me that, since my husband is the spiritual head of our family, he should be the one to decide where we go to church. As the wife, I should go where he chooses, rather than deciding for myself whether to attend that church or a different one. Agree or disagree? Or somewhere in between?

Also, what would be some valid reasons for changing churches? Please note, I am not talking about switching to a different denomination or a different set of beliefs. Both churches involved here preach Scripturally sound messages from the pulpit. The difference is in the dynamics of the congregation. And then, oh boy is that different.

I attended Church A with my husband for roughly 15 years. I didn't like it, almost from the very beginning, but my husband is change-resistant by nature and didn't want to go through the process of searching again. I have always felt strongly that husband and wife should go to the same church. The deacon, who by the way is from Church A, agreed with me on that point. He simply feels it is the husband, not the wife, who should decide which one it is. Essentially, for 15 years I was going to Church A because hubby was going to Church A, despite the fact that I was getting little to nothing out of it. Then he took a job where he would be out of town a good part of the time. I would be attending services alone at least every other week, possibly more. Suddenly "I'm going there with him because he wants to" was no longer a good enough reason. That being the case, we both agreed that it's better to find a church I do like, if I'm going without him.

Enter Church B. I felt at home from the very moment I set foot in the door. I told Hubby how much I loved it. The following week he went with me and gave it his "it's Biblical" stamp of approval. Yet he still has a few good friends in Church A, and he's still change-resistant. Hubby and I worked out an agreement. If I'm going to church alone, I go to Church B. If we're going together, we go to Church B. This, he proposed as a way to reward me for getting up and going to church, since I did have an attendance problem at Church A. He'd rather see me go to Church B than to no church at all. But if for some reason I don't attend services, maybe I'm sick or working, and he goes alone, he'll go to Church A. Twice a year, Church B doesn't hold services; instead they go out into the community and do charitable work for places that need it. When that happens, if I'm not part of it, I suppose I could go to Church A with my husband. But I ain't setting foot in there again, unless the Lord Himself comes down from Heaven and tells me to. Here is why.

1.) In those 15 years, we have watched Church A dwindle from a congregation of about 60 to 70, which is not large to begin with, to maybe 25 on a good day. Say what you will, but "tiny and shrinking" is never a good sign. Many of our most beloved members have either passed away or retired and moved out of state. There used to be children's and youth programs; there no longer are, because there are no longer any children or youth. In our late 50's to early 60's, my husband and I are consistently among the church's *youngest* members. (On paper I am still a member of Church A even though I haven't been there in over a year.) The average age of the congregants is well over 70+. It's increasingly rare to find anyone who is still working, as opposed to retired. I can understand, when I was 19, being celebrated on Mother's Day as the youngest mother present. I should not, at my current age, still be the youngest mother present. Yet I am. Young visitors and families with children tend to not come back a second time. By contrast, at Church B there is a sizeable enough congregation of all generations, from senior citizen to infant, that we have a full and active children's and youth ministry.

2.) In fact, I am part of that children's ministry at Church B, whereas at Church A there was no place for me to fit in. Everything I attempted to do or to join, "Oh, no thank you. We've got it covered." Even when I had full-blown depressive episodes over not contributing and not feeling useful, and if we're all part of the body, I must be the appendix or something else completely unnecessary, the only response I got was, "Oh, you're not useless. I enjoy seeing your smile. That's a blessing by itself." Is that all I'm good for? To sit there like an ornament and keep the pews warm? Do I have nothing better to contribute than that? The Church A deacon's wife is nominally head of the now nonexistent children's department, and she remarked, "Well, I could use help with children's church too." I then asked if they ever actually get any children, and she replied no. Sorry-not-sorry, but if I have a choice between doing nothing and participating, I want to go where I can participate.

3.) On a more personal note, I have been the "new kid in class" too many times in my life. It's ironic, I think, that I feel less of that open-and-exposed feeling at Church B, which I have been attending for a year, than at Church A, which I attended for 15 years. At Church B, they are friendly and welcoming while allowing people their personal space. In fact, on my first visit I was chatting so comfortably with one lady as we walked through the door that people thought we had arrived together. No, we'd never seen each other before. I simply felt that much at home. At Church A, they're friendly too, but.... well, there's friendly, and then there's friendly. I will be bum-rushed at the door and asked the same questions at least 20 times. Yet, even though they have me under an uncomfortable microscope, they don't seem to really know me. My name has only four letters in it, but a good many of them have never learned to pronounce it even though I have pronounced it for them dozens of times. Once I got to the point where I finally gave up on correcting them, one member said joyfully, "Oh, good. She's finally learned to accept it!" Accept what? The fact that people who claim to love me can't be bothered to get my name right?

4.) Also personal, and also evidence that they don't really know me at Church A. Years ago I was injured in a car accident and it took me a long time to recover. That's largely thanks to God providing me with a husband who saw to it that I got the medical attention I needed. Since then I have learned to drive, something I was late in doing for complicated reasons. I have become increasingly stronger. Whereas I was on disability when my husband and I met, I am now able to work. In fact, I am in classes to regain my nursing assistant certification. That's a job that, after the accident, I thought I could never do again. Praise God! This said, nothing makes me angry faster than someone assuming I'm still stuck at a hurdle I cleared a long time ago. One day Hubby and I attended Church A in separate vehicles because we were going different places after church. When he left without me, two people approached me separately and asked me how I was getting home. Both of them were surprised by my answer. "Oh! You can drive? I didn't know!" At that point, I had been licensed for five years. "But they remember when you couldn't," said the deacon's wife. I don't give a hangnail if they do, I answer. Let's replace driving with any other life skill. Let's say I come up to you and ask you if your diaper is wet, and do you need help changing it? When you indignantly explain that you are well able to go to the bathroom for yourself, I act surprised and delighted. "Oh! I didn't know you had learned how to use the toilet! I remember when you couldn't! I'm so proud of you!" Now, wouldn't you feel just a little bit belittled? Nobody at Church B bats an eyelash when I drive into the parking lot by myself. Nobody gets flustered at any mere mention of me getting a job. Nobody asks doubtfully if I'm suuuuure I can handle this or that. I suppose I must say I am still disabled, since diabetes is a disability, but I no longer even walk with a cane. I still have trouble on stairs sometimes, or a steep curb, but that too is improving. You know what I did today? Several times, in fact? Actually bent my knees to pick something up. I didn't used to be able to squat. Now I almost can. Church B doesn't treat me like I'm "handicapped" and needlessly fuss over me. Maybe it's because they never saw me in that condition, but still, if Church A has me under that microscope, you'd think they'd have noticed the improvement. I don't need reminders that I used to be weak and defective, as I felt.

5.) Finally, the only political discussion I have heard at Church B is that it is perfectly fine to disagree with our leaders, or even disapprove of them, but we should not disrespect them. The pastor gave as an example Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. When confronted with King Nebuchadnezzar, they didn't gather in groups and chant whatever the equivalent of "Let's go, Brandon!" would have been. Instead, they kept their language and tone respectful as they politely declined to obey. "No, your majesty, we will not bow before your gold statue. We will worship God alone. He outranks you." At Church A, I have heard more discussion about how much people hate Joe Biden or Nancy Pelosi than about how much they love Jesus Christ.

These are the reasons I have chosen Church B. I do fully accept that my husband is the spiritual head of our household, and in that capacity, he has told me to go to the church of my choice. That, I can easily accept and submit to. But the Lord gave me a wonderful husband. What if a wife really, really disliked a church that her husband really, really loved? Should she shut up and go with him? Also, given the above, do you think they are valid reasons for choosing Church B over Church A? Even after going to Church A for 15 years?

I'm guessing he goes to church C when he is away.

I think the real question would be what they would say at church B about whether your husband decides for you that you go to church A.

I think your decision to go to church B when your husband is away is a decent one. My wife is also resistant to change. On the rare times we are not together I go exploring a bit. Not too far afield, but more than she would be comfortable with. My church X is a good place, but churches Y and Z are also good, while churches V and W I don't ever need to go back to.

 

[SavedByGrace3]

I was recently confronted by a deacon who told me that, since my husband is the spiritual head of our family, he should be the one to decide where we go to church. As the wife, I should go where he chooses, rather than deciding for myself whether to attend that church or a different one. Agree or disagree? Or somewhere in between?

Also, what would be some valid reasons for changing churches? Please note, I am not talking about switching to a different denomination or a different set of beliefs. Both churches involved here preach Scripturally sound messages from the pulpit. The difference is in the dynamics of the congregation. And then, oh boy is that different.

I attended Church A with my husband for roughly 15 years. I didn't like it, almost from the very beginning, but my husband is change-resistant by nature and didn't want to go through the process of searching again. I have always felt strongly that husband and wife should go to the same church. The deacon, who by the way is from Church A, agreed with me on that point. He simply feels it is the husband, not the wife, who should decide which one it is. Essentially, for 15 years I was going to Church A because hubby was going to Church A, despite the fact that I was getting little to nothing out of it. Then he took a job where he would be out of town a good part of the time. I would be attending services alone at least every other week, possibly more. Suddenly "I'm going there with him because he wants to" was no longer a good enough reason. That being the case, we both agreed that it's better to find a church I do like, if I'm going without him.

Enter Church B. I felt at home from the very moment I set foot in the door. I told Hubby how much I loved it. The following week he went with me and gave it his "it's Biblical" stamp of approval. Yet he still has a few good friends in Church A, and he's still change-resistant. Hubby and I worked out an agreement. If I'm going to church alone, I go to Church B. If we're going together, we go to Church B. This, he proposed as a way to reward me for getting up and going to church, since I did have an attendance problem at Church A. He'd rather see me go to Church B than to no church at all. But if for some reason I don't attend services, maybe I'm sick or working, and he goes alone, he'll go to Church A. Twice a year, Church B doesn't hold services; instead they go out into the community and do charitable work for places that need it. When that happens, if I'm not part of it, I suppose I could go to Church A with my husband. But I ain't setting foot in there again, unless the Lord Himself comes down from Heaven and tells me to. Here is why.

1.) In those 15 years, we have watched Church A dwindle from a congregation of about 60 to 70, which is not large to begin with, to maybe 25 on a good day. Say what you will, but "tiny and shrinking" is never a good sign. Many of our most beloved members have either passed away or retired and moved out of state. There used to be children's and youth programs; there no longer are, because there are no longer any children or youth. In our late 50's to early 60's, my husband and I are consistently among the church's *youngest* members. (On paper I am still a member of Church A even though I haven't been there in over a year.) The average age of the congregants is well over 70+. It's increasingly rare to find anyone who is still working, as opposed to retired. I can understand, when I was 19, being celebrated on Mother's Day as the youngest mother present. I should not, at my current age, still be the youngest mother present. Yet I am. Young visitors and families with children tend to not come back a second time. By contrast, at Church B there is a sizeable enough congregation of all generations, from senior citizen to infant, that we have a full and active children's and youth ministry.

2.) In fact, I am part of that children's ministry at Church B, whereas at Church A there was no place for me to fit in. Everything I attempted to do or to join, "Oh, no thank you. We've got it covered." Even when I had full-blown depressive episodes over not contributing and not feeling useful, and if we're all part of the body, I must be the appendix or something else completely unnecessary, the only response I got was, "Oh, you're not useless. I enjoy seeing your smile. That's a blessing by itself." Is that all I'm good for? To sit there like an ornament and keep the pews warm? Do I have nothing better to contribute than that? The Church A deacon's wife is nominally head of the now nonexistent children's department, and she remarked, "Well, I could use help with children's church too." I then asked if they ever actually get any children, and she replied no. Sorry-not-sorry, but if I have a choice between doing nothing and participating, I want to go where I can participate.

3.) On a more personal note, I have been the "new kid in class" too many times in my life. It's ironic, I think, that I feel less of that open-and-exposed feeling at Church B, which I have been attending for a year, than at Church A, which I attended for 15 years. At Church B, they are friendly and welcoming while allowing people their personal space. In fact, on my first visit I was chatting so comfortably with one lady as we walked through the door that people thought we had arrived together. No, we'd never seen each other before. I simply felt that much at home. At Church A, they're friendly too, but.... well, there's friendly, and then there's friendly. I will be bum-rushed at the door and asked the same questions at least 20 times. Yet, even though they have me under an uncomfortable microscope, they don't seem to really know me. My name has only four letters in it, but a good many of them have never learned to pronounce it even though I have pronounced it for them dozens of times. Once I got to the point where I finally gave up on correcting them, one member said joyfully, "Oh, good. She's finally learned to accept it!" Accept what? The fact that people who claim to love me can't be bothered to get my name right?

4.) Also personal, and also evidence that they don't really know me at Church A. Years ago I was injured in a car accident and it took me a long time to recover. That's largely thanks to God providing me with a husband who saw to it that I got the medical attention I needed. Since then I have learned to drive, something I was late in doing for complicated reasons. I have become increasingly stronger. Whereas I was on disability when my husband and I met, I am now able to work. In fact, I am in classes to regain my nursing assistant certification. That's a job that, after the accident, I thought I could never do again. Praise God! This said, nothing makes me angry faster than someone assuming I'm still stuck at a hurdle I cleared a long time ago. One day Hubby and I attended Church A in separate vehicles because we were going different places after church. When he left without me, two people approached me separately and asked me how I was getting home. Both of them were surprised by my answer. "Oh! You can drive? I didn't know!" At that point, I had been licensed for five years. "But they remember when you couldn't," said the deacon's wife. I don't give a hangnail if they do, I answer. Let's replace driving with any other life skill. Let's say I come up to you and ask you if your diaper is wet, and do you need help changing it? When you indignantly explain that you are well able to go to the bathroom for yourself, I act surprised and delighted. "Oh! I didn't know you had learned how to use the toilet! I remember when you couldn't! I'm so proud of you!" Now, wouldn't you feel just a little bit belittled? Nobody at Church B bats an eyelash when I drive into the parking lot by myself. Nobody gets flustered at any mere mention of me getting a job. Nobody asks doubtfully if I'm suuuuure I can handle this or that. I suppose I must say I am still disabled, since diabetes is a disability, but I no longer even walk with a cane. I still have trouble on stairs sometimes, or a steep curb, but that too is improving. You know what I did today? Several times, in fact? Actually bent my knees to pick something up. I didn't used to be able to squat. Now I almost can. Church B doesn't treat me like I'm "handicapped" and needlessly fuss over me. Maybe it's because they never saw me in that condition, but still, if Church A has me under that microscope, you'd think they'd have noticed the improvement. I don't need reminders that I used to be weak and defective, as I felt.

5.) Finally, the only political discussion I have heard at Church B is that it is perfectly fine to disagree with our leaders, or even disapprove of them, but we should not disrespect them. The pastor gave as an example Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. When confronted with King Nebuchadnezzar, they didn't gather in groups and chant whatever the equivalent of "Let's go, Brandon!" would have been. Instead, they kept their language and tone respectful as they politely declined to obey. "No, your majesty, we will not bow before your gold statue. We will worship God alone. He outranks you." At Church A, I have heard more discussion about how much people hate Joe Biden or Nancy Pelosi than about how much they love Jesus Christ.

These are the reasons I have chosen Church B. I do fully accept that my husband is the spiritual head of our household, and in that capacity, he has told me to go to the church of my choice. That, I can easily accept and submit to. But the Lord gave me a wonderful husband. What if a wife really, really disliked a church that her husband really, really loved? Should she shut up and go with him? Also, given the above, do you think they are valid reasons for choosing Church B over Church A? Even after going to Church A for 15 years?

Authority and responsibility go together. The one responsible has the authority. So the question is who does God hold responsible for the outcome. Identify that person, and you will have the answer.

 

[seeking.IAM]

In my house, this would be a joint decision to which we both would have to agree.

 

[chevyontheriver]

In my house, this would be a joint decision to which we both would have to agree.

That's how it is in my home.

 

[Divide]

I think your situation is clear on this. You need to take this to no one else except God Himself in Prayer, and pray your heart out about it.

It is true that your Husband is the Spiritual Leader of the home. Will you not support your husband?! It wasn't his idea to be the Spiritual Leader of the home, that was God's idea! So if you were totally submissive to his wishes you would be rewared for obedience.

But what if the Husband is wrong, or has poor judgment? Can the Wife not try to privately correct him?? I would think yes.

And that's why it's clear you must go ask God what to do here! Is your allegiance to God greater than your allegiance to your Husband?

God might be doing something that you do not know about yet? So I think it would be best to resist making any decisions about it until after you have prayed it through. Put it in His hands!

 

[ZephBonkerer]

I would not usually recommend this, but for a time my (then) wife and I attended separate church assemblies. That could be one more reason why we are no longer married.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Hubby and I attended Church B together this morning. Since he has left Greyhound, and is now home every night and off every Sunday, attending by myself is no longer the factor it once was. What remains is that over the past year I have become actively involved in Church B, while it still stands that Church A has no real place for me except to be a smiling pew ornament.

We continued the discussion a little, because the Church A deacon had told me that Hubby loves Church A. Yet, as the spiritual head that he indeed is, Hubby has instructed me to go to the church of my choice. We both believe that our individual walks with God Almighty take priority over our relationship with each other, which is not actually suffering because of this. I asked Hubby if it's true that he loves Church A, and he says yes, he does. I shared with him the information that I love Church B just as much, but I am worried about not honoring him, and taking him away from something he loves. His further instructions to me were to not worry about that. I asked if he merely tolerates Church B for my benefit, or does he like it there? He assures me he does like Church B too, or else he wouldn't agree to go with me. I suppose it's going to take a while, if ever, for him to come to a point where he "loves" Church B. Not my area. Between him and the Lord.

I then proposed that any week I am assigned to children's church, and he would be sitting in the sanctuary without me, I would understand if he chose to go to Church A instead. He replied that he doesn't want to talk this to death. I agreed, saying I was only letting him know I wouldn't be hurt if he made that choice. He said thank you, and that was the end of the discussion. So, as it stands now, he will be going to Church A on weeks that I am working children's church, or weeks that I can't attend for some other reason. He will come with me to Church B when we can worship together in the sanctuary.

This morning, it made me feel even more like I belong at Church B when the pastor shared that he has struggled all his life with clinical depression and anxiety. The Lord helps him carry on and get through it when he's having an episode, and even though it might be difficult, he can meet all of his responsibilities anyway. That reassured me so much. At Church A, the (now retired) pastor used to make fun of mental illness, right there in the pulpit. I have heard him refer to psychiatrists as "the dingy-dingy doctor," and to Christians who battle clinical depression as "Eeyore Christians" while openly mocking the body language and vocal tones of someone with that illness. Yes, he is now retired and is no longer the pastor of Church A, but I'm showing you the contrast.

 

[Paidiske]

Yikes. I'd call that last bit of behaviour you describe - mocking mental illness from the pulpit - a form of spiritual abuse, bluntly.

 

[Strong in Him]

I was recently confronted by a deacon who told me that, since my husband is the spiritual head of our family, he should be the one to decide where we go to church. As the wife, I should go where he chooses, rather than deciding for myself whether to attend that church or a different one. Agree or disagree? I was recently confronted by a deacon who told me that, since my husband is the spiritual head of our family, he should be the one to decide where we go to church. As the wife, I should go where he chooses, rather than deciding for myself whether to attend that church or a different one. Agree or disagree? Or somewhere in between?

Disagree.

I attended Church A with my husband for roughly 15 years. I didn't like it, almost from the very beginning, but my husband is change-resistant by nature and didn't want to go through the process of searching again. I have always felt strongly that husband and wife should go to the same church. The deacon, who by the way is from Church A, agreed with me on that point. He simply feels it is the husband, not the wife, who should decide which one it is.

No. Ideally you would both decide together.
When we moved to another part of the country a few years after we married, my husband did choose which church to go to - but that's because I was ill with ME, and told him he needed to choose one where he was happy. I went along to the evening service when I could.

Then he took a job where he would be out of town a good part of the time. I would be attending services alone at least every other week, possibly more. Suddenly "I'm going there with him because he wants to" was no longer a good enough reason. That being the case, we both agreed that it's better to find a church I do like, if I'm going without him.

I went to this church with my husband very infrequently - the morning service started way too early for me.
It was my husband who suggested I find another church rather than go nowhere at all.

This, he proposed as a way to reward me for getting up and going to church, since I did have an attendance problem at Church A. He'd rather see me go to Church B than to no church at all.

Sounds similar to my situation. Though it's a shame he looked upon letting you go there as a "reward".

1.) In those 15 years, we have watched Church A dwindle from a congregation of about 60 to 70, which is not large to begin with, to maybe 25 on a good day. Say what you will, but "tiny and shrinking" is never a good sign.

That's par for the course for many Methodist churches round here.

In our late 50's to early 60's, my husband and I are consistently among the church's *youngest* members.

I'm the 2nd youngest person at my church.
I'm 61.

2.) In fact, I am part of that children's ministry at Church B, whereas at Church A there was no place for me to fit in. Everything I attempted to do or to join, "Oh, no thank you. We've got it covered."

That's a very good reason for staying at church B.
In my husband's church, a couple of people told me that I could do things, and God would use me, "when I was better." Within a few months of starting at the Methodist church, someone asked me if I had thought of training as a preacher. My illness wasn't a barrier and they supported me. That was 20 years ago.

3.) On a more personal note, I have been the "new kid in class" too many times in my life. It's ironic, I think, that I feel less of that open-and-exposed feeling at Church B, which I have been attending for a year, than at Church A, which I attended for 15 years. At Church B, they are friendly and welcoming while allowing people their personal space. In fact, on my first visit I was chatting so comfortably with one lady as we walked through the door that people thought we had arrived together. No, we'd never seen each other before. I simply felt that much at home.

Another excellent reason for going to church B.

At Church A, they're friendly too, but.... well, there's friendly, and then there's friendly. I will be bum-rushed at the door and asked the same questions at least 20 times. Yet, even though they have me under an uncomfortable microscope, they don't seem to really know me. My name has only four letters in it, but a good many of them have never learned to pronounce it even though I have pronounced it for them dozens of times. Once I got to the point where I finally gave up on correcting them, one member said joyfully, "Oh, good. She's finally learned to accept it!" Accept what? The fact that people who claim to love me can't be bothered to get my name right?

Doesn't sound at all friendly to me.
How discourteous - not to even both to learn to pronounce someone's name.

4.) Also personal, and also evidence that they don't really know me at Church A. Years ago I was injured in a car accident and it took me a long time to recover. That's largely thanks to God providing me with a husband who saw to it that I got the medical attention I needed. Since then I have learned to drive, something I was late in doing for complicated reasons. I have become increasingly stronger. Whereas I was on disability when my husband and I met, I am now able to work. In fact, I am in classes to regain my nursing assistant certification. That's a job that, after the accident, I thought I could never do again. Praise God! This said, nothing makes me angry faster than someone assuming I'm still stuck at a hurdle I cleared a long time ago. One day Hubby and I attended Church A in separate vehicles because we were going different places after church. When he left without me, two people approached me separately and asked me how I was getting home. Both of them were surprised by my answer. "Oh! You can drive? I didn't know!" At that point, I had been licensed for five years. "But they remember when you couldn't," said the deacon's wife. I don't give a hangnail if they do, I answer. Let's replace driving with any other life skill. Let's say I come up to you and ask you if your diaper is wet, and do you need help changing it? When you indignantly explain that you are well able to go to the bathroom for yourself, I act surprised and delighted. "Oh! I didn't know you had learned how to use the toilet! I remember when you couldn't! I'm so proud of you!" Now, wouldn't you feel just a little bit belittled? Nobody at Church B bats an eyelash when I drive into the parking lot by myself. Nobody gets flustered at any mere mention of me getting a job. Nobody asks doubtfully if I'm suuuuure I can handle this or that. I suppose I must say I am still disabled, since diabetes is a disability, but I no longer even walk with a cane. I still have trouble on stairs sometimes, or a steep curb, but that too is improving. You know what I did today? Several times, in fact? Actually bent my knees to pick something up. I didn't used to be able to squat. Now I almost can. Church B doesn't treat me like I'm "handicapped" and needlessly fuss over me. Maybe it's because they never saw me in that condition, but still, if Church A has me under that microscope, you'd think they'd have noticed the improvement. I don't need reminders that I used to be weak and defective, as I felt.

You're doing a very good job of explaining why you should be at church B.

These are the reasons I have chosen Church B. I do fully accept that my husband is the spiritual head of our household, and in that capacity, he has told me to go to the church of my choice. That, I can easily accept and submit to. But the Lord gave me a wonderful husband. What if a wife really, really disliked a church that her husband really, really loved? Should she shut up and go with him? Also, given the above, do you think they are valid reasons for choosing Church B over Church A? Even after going to Church A for 15 years?

Yes.
The deacon who told you that you should be going with your husband; it's nothing to do with him.
It's a matter between husband and wife, and your wonderful husband has already said that he would rather you go to a different church than not go at all. He's clearly concerned with your faith and spiritual growth - whereas the deacon seemed to be telling you to go together for appearances sake.

 

[Strong in Him]

This morning, it made me feel even more like I belong at Church B when the pastor shared that he has struggled all his life with clinical depression and anxiety. The Lord helps him carry on and get through it when he's having an episode, and even though it might be difficult, he can meet all of his responsibilities anyway. That reassured me so much. At Church A, the (now retired) pastor used to make fun of mental illness, right there in the pulpit. I have heard him refer to psychiatrists as "the dingy-dingy doctor," and to Christians who battle clinical depression as "Eeyore Christians" while openly mocking the body language and vocal tones of someone with that illness. Yes, he is now retired and is no longer the pastor of Church A, but I'm showing you the contrast.

That sounds appalling. If I had ever gone to that church, I'd leave - and report the Pastor.
I'm glad you have found and church which accepts and affirms you.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

@Strong in Him Thanks very much for your insight. Thank you also to everyone who has responded. Just to clarify, my "reward" for getting up and going to church is not my husband's permission to go to Church B instead of to Church A. My "reward" is him going with me. Whereas if I stay home, he goes to Church A instead.

Part of my brain is cynical enough to have some suspicions. If Church A does end up eventually folding, and the deacon who gave me this counsel has to start attending somewhere else, then he would no longer be in a position of high-ranking church leadership. Instead, he would be just a plain old ordinary member of the congregation, and have to find his place again. Could that possibly have anything to do with his desperate attempt to stop people from defecting to other churches? Is he keeping Church A on life support as long as he can drag it out? Well... actually, come to think of it, I couldn't blame him if he does have that motivation in there somewhere. Go from practically running the show to being just another face in the crowd? I suppose that's what we have in common. He doesn't want to be a pew ornament any more than I do. Yet, or so it appears, he's asking me to be one so he doesn't have to be one himself, and I have an issue with that.

 

[Paidiske]

I think it's a very easy, and very common, trap to fall into; to sort of blur participating in God's mission with growing our own little kingdom. And it doesn't have to come from bad motives; if you really believe that where you're working is also a community God is working in, and through, then it's natural to want to see it succeed. But once we tip over into the ends justifying the means, we're in very dangerous territory indeed.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

God is your spiritual head, not your husband. The two of you together, seek
to follow God's will first and foremost and not each other.

What you describe is trying to follow out what "religion," you'll both be part of.
Faith should be your first priority and both you and your husband must put
Christ as head of your lives, and the religion will come after, according to His
will.

My wife and myself have just recently gone through a similar issue, although
the two parishes are of the same religion. We've come to the discernment that
we were putting religion before our relationship with Christ. He had to be
first and religion would come afterwards. It has worked so far.

Prayer will bring the answer!

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

^^That's why I mentioned at the start that by changing churches, I don't mean changing denominations or sets of beliefs. I was only referring to which particular place to attend weekly services. In my own example, both churches are Scriptural. My problem with Church A is not doctrine. It's where in particular I fit in with the fellowship. Which, at Church A, I don't.

The deacon at Church A was trying to tell me that where we go to attend services should be my husband's decision. I should follow his wishes, instead of him following mine, or else I'm not a properly submissive wife. (Which is the reason I couldn't raise this topic in the Married Couples forum.) My husband disagrees. So, it appears, do the people in this thread. And that is what I was wondering when I brought it up.