Whether or not to disinherit your sibling's children (your nephews, nieces) after your sibling (their parents) did you wrong

[justme6272]

Assume for a moment that you are single, never married, no kids, and your closest relatives are nephews and a niece that are the adult children of your lone, now deceased sibling who was estranged from you before their death. There's no real relationship between you and those nephews and nieces. You might as well be dead from their perspective, with the exception of one, who turned out better than the other two, and who at least returned a phone call when you needed to get their birthdates for financial records. (naming an account beneficiary requires their names and dates of birth).

You're now in the process of making out your will, including the designation of beneficiaries, and (without going into too many details that would just cloud the mattter), you don't feel like any of them are particularly deserving of inheriting anything from you. So you've thought about leaving it to a worthy non-profit, if you can find one.

Their parent, which is your sibling, died of cancer. His own immediate family 'abandoned him' when he was homeless and dying (according to reports from more distant cousins.). You weren't there, so you don't know exactly how they treated him.
Who do you leave your assets to, even if it's just the proceeds from a modest house and very old car that are paid for?
Or, to put it another way, do you hold it against your siblings kids - the fact that their dad was someone you would never consider an heir of anything you have?

 

[BobRyan]

If you feel you can benefit your living relatives in some way I think you should try to do something.

But first take a good hard look at your church.

Above all else - take a hard look at yourself when it comes to forgiving others. In Matt 6 Jesus said "forgive us our sins as we forgive others who have done something against us". When you forgive someone you give them nothing. You have no Lake of fire hell that you can spare them from.

When you forgive others you do your own self the favor of having nothing between you and God that might block His forgiveness offered to you. Read Matt 6 -- God makes this very clear.

 

[timf]

If you want to be nice to someone who was nice to you, you can leave them an inheritance. If you leave someone 0-$50,000 it shouldn't be a problem. More than that can be a problem unless you leave it as a trust with a smaller annual income. Having a lot of money dumped on one can actually give them problems.

When giving to organizations (even churches) you risk having it squandered. I give to a small organization (International Prison Ministries) they give bibles and testimony books to people in prison. They have been endowed enough to cover their operating expenses so most of the money you give can actually go to getting books in prisoners hands.

It can be hard to find an organization you would like to give to. You might consider calling small bible churches in different towns to see what organizations they have experience with. However, this might cause you to have to deal with their own requests. Once people see you as a "money tree" it can bring out the worst.

 

[Jermayn]

Assume for a moment that you are single, never married, no kids, and your closest relatives are nephews and a niece that are the adult children of your lone, now deceased sibling who was estranged from you before their death. There's no real relationship between you and those nephews and nieces. You might as well be dead from their perspective, with the exception of one, who turned out better than the other two, and who at least returned a phone call when you needed to get their birthdates for financial records. (naming an account beneficiary requires their names and dates of birth).

You're now in the process of making out your will, including the designation of beneficiaries, and (without going into too many details that would just cloud the mattter), you don't feel like any of them are particularly deserving of inheriting anything from you. So you've thought about leaving it to a worthy non-profit, if you can find one.

Their parent, which is your sibling, died of cancer. His own immediate family 'abandoned him' when he was homeless and dying (according to reports from more distant cousins.). You weren't there, so you don't know exactly how they treated him.
Who do you leave your assets to, even if it's just the proceeds from a modest house and very old car that are paid for?
Or, to put it another way, do you hold it against your siblings kids - the fact that their dad was someone you would never consider an heir of anything you have?

There's a lot of things to consider here. Some of my family struggle with substance abuse, so leaving anything to them would only help them kill themselves quicker than they already are. If you haven't already, I would go to great lengths to try to establish a relationship with them. If you have and they don't want anything to do with you, then I guess you're left with non-profits. I would probably leave it to my church if I were in your situation, but that's just me.

 

[justme6272]

There's a lot of things to consider here. Some of my family struggle with substance abuse, so leaving anything to them would only help them kill themselves quicker than they already are. If you haven't already, I would go to great lengths to try to establish a relationship with them. If you have and they don't want anything to do with you, then I guess you're left with non-profits. I would probably leave it to my church if I were in your situation, but that's just me.'t know what you mean by 'left with non-profits.' What is

There will never be relationships that result in regular contact, if any. Only 2 of the 3 corresponded at all.....one by phone, one by email. The 3rd is left out cause they obviously aren't interested, or they all have a planned secret agreement between each other to share the proceeds after I'm dead, in a way I'll never know about.

I envision being on my hospital death bed, (if I don't die unexpectedly in my sleep), and giving my best friend the relative's contact info so that once I'm picked up by the morgue, the friend can call or write them to announce my death so they can go pick up their free gifts.

I've thought of leaving it to the church, but when I look at their budget and spending numbers, what little pittance I could leave them would be gone like water down the drain. What would be more appealing would be a non-profit that keeps an endowment going, with all donor's principal combined to remain invested in order to spin off income that goes to worthy causes. The problem with any non-profit that you have to watch out for, is their ratio of donations to 'administrative expenses' (i.e. salaries). For example, I looked into St. Jude Children's Hospital which advertises so much on TV, and there's too much money supporting things other than the kids. Too many non-profits exist to make the management rich. I've seen numbers you wouldn't believe, like even the wages of high level executives of Christian radio stations operating as non-profits. So I'm still looking into other options. Another thing to consider about churches is, how long will they be around? Is the congregation growing or shrinking? Is there a disproportionate of seniors that make you wonder who will be left in 20 years to even have a church? Will property be sold off to make payroll to current employees until there are simply no more assets or members to pay anyone? I know of a 'once great church' in that situation right now. They're selling off nearby land right now to keep themselves on life support as long as possible. To give an offering is not to invest in the church'es long-term future. It's to pad leadership's profits as long as possible instead of just finding a new church right now that appears to have more of a future.

 

[com7fy8]

Pray, trust God to guide you.

Definitely do not allow unforgiveness to decide and guide.

 

[timf]

I think there was a movie with James Garner in it called the gift. In it he plays a wealthy guy dying and selects one grandson of all the relatives as possibly worthy leaving his money to. He schedules a series of challenges to teach the young man valuable life lessons to improve his character. This is something that is only achievable in a movie.

Perhaps the best thong you could do is pray for their salvation. Knowing Jesus would be a gift far above money. One can be somewhat sympathetic to them considering the basic problem all humans have; we are all born helpless, ignorant, and selfish. Satan has set the course of this world such that many hardly improve on this initial condition.

It is hard to feel affection for those who have no affection for us. However, this is what Jesus did for us. You might invite them over one at a time to tell them of their family history, although few people under 40 would be interested. You might send them an email to see if they could have any interest in Christianity. Here is a link attempting to describe Christianity briefly that might be useful.

Christian Pioneer - Christianity 101

Christian Pioneer - Answers to questions about Christianity

christianpioneer.com

Sadly we live in a time where an interest in truth is seldom present even in times of adversity People have replaced a desire to know truth with a desire to feel good.

 

[justme6272]

I think there was a movie with James Garner in it called the gift. In it he plays a wealthy guy dying and selects one grandson of all the relatives as possibly worthy leaving his money to. He schedules a series of challenges to teach the young man valuable life lessons to improve his character. This is something that is only achievable in a movie.

Perhaps the best thong you could do is pray for their salvation. Knowing Jesus would be a gift far above money. One can be somewhat sympathetic to them considering the basic problem all humans have; we are all born helpless, ignorant, and selfish. Satan has set the course of this world such that many hardly improve on this initial condition.

It is hard to feel affection for those who have no affection for us. However, this is what Jesus did for us. You might invite them over one at a time to tell them of their family history, although few people under 40 would be interested. You might send them an email to see if they could have any interest in Christianity. Here is a link attempting to describe Christianity briefly that might be useful.

Christian Pioneer - Christianity 101

Christian Pioneer - Answers to questions about Christianity

christianpioneer.com

Sadly we live in a time where an interest in truth is seldom present even in times of adversity People have replaced a desire to know truth with a desire to feel good.

They are all Christians already. In attempting to contact them, one behaved normally. Another ignored me, and the 3rd had the first one contact me to see what it was I wanted after I left a message on their voice mail, rather than call me himself to see what I wanted. When he found out what I wanted, his interest picked up quite a bit. Go figure. But that behavior alone made me want to say 'never mind, sorry I bothered you.'

 

[timf]

I don't want to make assumptions about others, but in my case my parents were abusive and drunks. They have both passed away. I tried reaching out to them in letters before they died. I did not hold any animosity because I could see that given their own early lives, they had little hope of things going any differently. Even though they were both professing Christians, they had little control over how their lives turned out. As a result of life turning out more difficult than they expected,, alcohol seemed a logical refuge for them.

If your relatives were raised immersed in the world, you might expect that they would be self-absorbed and shallow. If you have a paid for home and car, you might use the potential inheritance to lure them to spend some time with you. The objective would not necessarily be to gain some synthetic affection, but perhaps it could be used to help them grow in their faith. A much greater "inheritance" awaits Christians who have matured in faith.

1Co 3:11 For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ.
1Co 3:12 Now if any man build upon this foundation gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble;
1Co 3:13 Every man's work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man's work of what sort it is.
1Co 3:14 If any man's work abide which he hath built thereupon, he shall receive a reward.
1Co 3:15 If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire.

If you can use the potential of money as a lure, you might be able to help them gain real rewards and for yourself as well.

Here is a post I read recently that was a reply to how to have discernment, but it also works well as a synopsis for spiritual growth.
--------------------------------------------------------
Consider how Jesus dealt with deception.

Luk 4:3 And the devil said unto him, If thou be the Son of God, command this stone that it be made bread.
Luk 4:4 And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God.

Being immersed in the bible (which is truth) is a key step.

Exercising discernment (recognizing truth) is another step.

Heb 5:14 But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.

Having wisdom is essential;

Jas 1:5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

Being mature gives protection;

Eph 4:14 That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;
Eph 4:15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:

The key to maturity is completing the transition from walking in the flesh to walking by the Spirit;

Gal 5:16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.

The key to walking by the Spirit is selflessness;

2Co 5:15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.

 

[justme6272]

If you want to be nice to someone who was nice to you, you can leave them an inheritance. If you leave someone 0-$50,000 it shouldn't be a problem. More than that can be a problem unless you leave it as a trust with a smaller annual income. Having a lot of money dumped on one can actually give them problems.

When giving to organizations (even churches) you risk having it squandered. I give to a small organization (International Prison Ministries) they give bibles and testimony books to people in prison. They have been endowed enough to cover their operating expenses so most of the money you give can actually go to getting books in prisoners hands.

It can be hard to find an organization you would like to give to. You might consider calling small bible churches in different towns to see what organizations they have experience with. However, this might cause you to have to deal with their own requests. Once people see you as a "money tree" it can bring out the worst.

I'd be skeptical that prisoners read their free Bibles. You're doing good if you can get churchgoers to read their Bible. You can give people the verses to read in advance of the next meeting and most won't do it.

 

[timf]

The place where people would probably least interested in God would be a country club. One might think that two places more likely to find some interested in God would be prisons and hospitals. Adversity can bring some closer to seeking God.

 

[DragonFox91]

Assume for a moment that you are single, never married, no kids, and your closest relatives are nephews and a niece that are the adult children of your lone, now deceased sibling who was estranged from you before their death. There's no real relationship between you and those nephews and nieces. You might as well be dead from their perspective, with the exception of one, who turned out better than the other two, and who at least returned a phone call when you needed to get their birthdates for financial records. (naming an account beneficiary requires their names and dates of birth).

You're now in the process of making out your will, including the designation of beneficiaries, and (without going into too many details that would just cloud the mattter), you don't feel like any of them are particularly deserving of inheriting anything from you. So you've thought about leaving it to a worthy non-profit, if you can find one.

Their parent, which is your sibling, died of cancer. His own immediate family 'abandoned him' when he was homeless and dying (according to reports from more distant cousins.). You weren't there, so you don't know exactly how they treated him.
Who do you leave your assets to, even if it's just the proceeds from a modest house and very old car that are paid for?
Or, to put it another way, do you hold it against your siblings kids - the fact that their dad was someone you would never consider an heir of anything you have?

I don't like the idea of not doing it b/c 'they're undeserving.' How undeserving are we of Christ's abundance! He also doesn't hold our parents' sins against us. So that likewise would be a poor reason.
This story is the Gospel: we are his inheritance b/c of nothing we did.

That being said, I don't think kids or wife are in my future sadly. My nieces & nephews will be set. I'm planning on giving my money to a church some-day. I don't think I in good concsience could say you give it to the children if they have other financial means.

 

[justme6272]

I don't like the idea of not doing it b/c 'they're undeserving.' How undeserving are we of Christ's abundance! He also doesn't hold our parents' sins against us. So that likewise would be a poor reason.
This story is the Gospel: we are his inheritance b/c of nothing we did.

That being said, I don't think kids or wife are in my future sadly. My nieces & nephews will be set. I'm planning on giving my money to a church some-day. I don't think I in good concsience could say you give it to the children if they have other financial means.

I've thought about leaving it to a church, but two things bother me....
1) They go through money like water. Their yearly budgets are so huge, whatever I contributed would be gone quite quickly.
2) The median age of the members have increased so drastically, I wonder if the church will even exist 20 years from now. There would be nothing to show for it. Offerings now are more to keep the lights on presently, not to have any kind of endowment.

So that takes me to non-profits, which DO have endowments. Donations get added to principal, and the principal stays invested. Places like Harvard and the Mormans are notorious for the billions they've accumulated.

As for the kids, one male has 3 kids he's raising by himself after his wife died, and I've been told that he would need it more than the other two. But needing it now, and needing it when I die are two different things. Hopefully, I'll still be alive when his kids attend college.

Another male has 3 young kids that I hope to outlive their college as well. I can't see that they'd keep having kids if they don't have a plan for paying for their education or whatever.
The third, a neice, has at least two kids that I know of. Likewise, I figure they have a plan to support the family, up to and including their own needs as senior adults.
It's difficult to plan when you don't know how long you're going to live, and how much of that time will be in an expensive nursing home or senior care facility. You have to spend all your money before Medicaid could possibly take over. So there's no assurance that I'd even have an old car and house to leave anyone.

What has dumbfounded me more than anything, is how I could be treated so poorly by my now deceased sibling, when any sane person would likely want me to stay in their good graces. On the other hand, he may have figured that he was so bad as my brother, I wasn't going to leave his kids anything anyway, so whatever I have will never be theirs, so it's no big loss to them. That's the only explanation I can think of.

Neither of us ever talked about it, and I could never bring myself to saying anything like, "Do you realize you're destroying your kid's inheritance of whatver I have, if you keep up your evil antics?" That's mindboggling to me. It could be that there's a nest egg on their mother's side, which they'll get, and it's enough such that they will never need more.

 

[DragonFox91]

Maybe find a local ministry if you’re not sure about a church. There’s a local ministry by me that’s really helped me w/ my struggle & one of their main emphasizes is the Gospel itself.

I agree stay away from big global ministries. In addition to the financial concerns you mentioned, I’d be concerned about what their true mission actually is.

@justme6272 I don’t think the kids are your responsibility if you don’t want to & you can be in clean conscience, b/c they are their own family now. At some point we are okay to draw a line & say that’s outside family b/c families simply get too big

I do wonder what the OT says about it. We’ve talked a bit about what the NT says about inheritance, how our inheritance is from the Lord even tho we were estranged from him, but the OT speaks a lot about inheritance too. Maybe go thru the OT law some. The NT also emphasizes generosity (b/c you’re motivated by love & not to check a box off & b/c you think you have to), as do early church writings after the Bible.