What do you do if your husband is always angry.....

[missymouse]

Hi all, I could use some advice.

My husband is always angry at me. Whenever there is a potential for negativity (and I am not perfect at all so it is ok that he says that I do not do all things right) he is angry and gives me the silent treatment for at least one week if not two. Then when I say lets talk, he replies by this global condemnation of me in all I do, say or am.

I would be ok with being corrected if it was all true, but some of the things he says are so false and so hurtful that I do not know what to do. I am naturally meek and he is very dominant, but even I have my limits.

I will give an example of the absurd;
He was very angry that I tied my son's shoes in a double knot (5yo son), and asked if I knew how to tie a shoe. This led to several days of anger. It passed when I was extra nice to him.

The realistic;
He says that I do not finish what I start. True sometimes, but also not true many times. I know its my problem and I struggle hard to try and be better. It hurts when all I get is anger and condemnation.

The unbearably hurtful;
My oldest son has ADHD and for years he refused to think of the possibility and instead blamed me for it. Now my other son's school is raising the possibility of a learning disability, and he is blaming me again.

When I went to a Psychiatrist at his request (at the end of another period of anger he told me he thought I had ADHD and I should go get help), the psychologist thought that was absurd, and that I had a "sh**ty marriage". Those were the Psychiatrists words not mine.

What should me attitude be? I want my marriage to be better, and I do believe marriage should be permanant, but I don't know what to do with my sadness. We have been married for 14 years, and togeather for 4 years before that. When we are togeather I feel on the edge because I am anticipating and trying to organize the environment to avoid his anger.

He is under alot of stress, and I in my hearts think much of his anger stems from depression, but I know he will not go to counseling, ditto marriage counseling, and he is not Christian so we cannot go to the Pastor of my Church either.

I tried to gently talk back, does not work. I try very hard to just agree with everything he says, but that is pretty silly as well because it negates my right to be respected as a person too. I try staying out of his way, or on the other side being super attentive but that does not work either.

 

[Leanna]

He is under alot of stress, and I in my hearts think much of his anger stems from depression, but I know he will not go to counseling, ditto marriage counseling,

Well this is unacceptable, you surely can't want to raise your son this way. I would call and make an appointment for marriage counseling and tell him that you will see him there!

 

[LJSGM]

Did you know that depression is often seen in a manipulator. It sounds as if you are an enabler (someone who is manipulated easily). If this is so, I have indirect experience with this, and the person is not going to change unfortunately. You could pray about it, read some books on it, practice independence (seeing yourself apart from what he thinks) and attend counselling by yourself as well (maybe they'll show you how to deal with a manipulator).

I admire your patience and longsuffering though. What a woman of God!

 

[dancingwithhim]

I feel for you! You are in an abusive situation. I agree with the other posters. Have you thought about seperating from him, not divorcing, but just seperating? Seek marriage counseling and tell him when it is. God hates divorce and is a God of reconciliation, but on the other hand, I would think that if the other person is abusive, you should draw the line somewhere. I know that you are praying for him and continue to do so. If you were to leave him for a time and tell him what you desire in your marriage, it may get him to open up his eyes. This is effecting your children. By not standing up for yourself, you are letting your children know that it is okay for them to treat their spouse this way. I am not saying belittle your husband, but when he makes comments and are belittling you infront of your children, you have every right to address him in a calm way. I have seen God work miracles in marriages like this. I would pray about this and do what LJSJM said and see how it would be if you were to be independant. You are a very strong person! You deserve to be treated with respect, just like he wants to be treated with respect. His probably stems from probably watching his dad treat his mom this way or visa versa and he doesn't know how to deal with his own issues, so he takes it out on you. Everyone has faults, but we shouldn't be abused because of them. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Have you talked to your pastor by yourself?

 

[jwwells]

There's something wrong in him. That anger and blaming has a source, likely a source in his childhood. What?

YOU are probably not capable of finding and fixing that 'what.' As Christian counselors these days demand men be 'fixed' by blaming and shaming, no Christian counselor can find and fix the 'what' either.

You'll need to find a marriage counselor who can find and fix the 'what' which will mean a secular person.

Find someone, this is too big for you to fix.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Has he always been like this?

If he has changed since you first met its probably more fixable than if he has been like this all his life.