What can i do about a man who seems interested but has never approached me?

[anonymous_christian]

Hello married people,

I thought I should ask this question here. I go to a smallish church with only a few tens of people in the congregation. One of them is a kind, hardworking man. He is single and has never been married, though he did date in the past before he was Christian. He's been single for about a decade now. He has a very stern, unamused look on his face most of the time and everyone thinks he's depressed, but with me he smiles. He smiles when I walk into the sanctuary, and smiles when we lock eyes. He blushes when he speaks with me, and I do too, and we've so far failed to have many meaningful conversations because of this...because as soon as we look at each other, we blush and look away. I've fallen very very hard for him. He's kind, giving, devout, tall, handsome...everything, really.

I've gone to this church for a handful of years and he's always been friendly, but this past year he's seemed to light up a lot around me. I only see him on Sundays and I spend the entire week anxiously waiting for Sunday to come so I can see him. I'm always very happy when I see him but we only blush at each other, say our quick hellos, and both have to leave afterwards. Then I'm deflated for the rest of the day and the next few days as well. It's very depressing and frustrating to go through this, so much so that I can hardly do any work during the week. He never calls or texts except within the context of church logistics. I'm very sad and emotionally drained by this.

I'm curious...seeing as the signals of our desiring to be with each other are mutually understood and communicated, would it be bad for me to ask him what he's thinking? I feel defeated here. On one hand, I want him to be the one to come to me. On the other, he's very shy and has been single for a decade and I wonder if he'll ever bring things up if I don't nudge him. I know he wants to be married one day, though. The other factor is that we're of different races...which might be a barrier to our relationship. I'm brown; he's white.

What do you think? Am I allowed to say to him:
"This is confusing me..."

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Instead of citing confusion, perhaps you should make a move. Doesn't need to be aggressive, but something subtle. Some of us shy guys have a hard time reading the difference between a woman being friendly or being interested. We've encountered women who are just very friendly without any romantic interest and have been burned before.

May I suggest that you ask him out. Not something too formal but along the lines of "I'm going to xyz on Friday. You want to come with me?" Maybe a fun activity you both like.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

What can you do? Say: "Would you like to go for coffee sometime"?
See? That wasn't so hard. Good luck!

 

[dayhiker]

I think it would be fine to turn up the flirting just a bit.
Coffee would be good.
Find out some places he goes during the week and stop by there as well.

Do you each only go to Sunday morning service? No other time?

 

[Dave-W]

Anonymous: I was like that guy when I was in highschool. I went thru the very violent break up of my parents when I was 7 followed by a very difficult divorce; and then saw that there were divorces 3 generations back on both sides of the family. I decided to not ever get married. So to be in a relationship with someone would necessarily end in broken hearts or sexual impropriety. (or both) If we did have kids I knew they would suffer the brunt of it.

So I did not relate to girls my age no matter how intense a crush I had on them. (and I did have a couple of really strong crushes) I never pursued a relationship.

It actually took an audible voice from heaven to get me to change that decision.

This guy may be in a similar situation.

 

[Thunder Peel]

I've always been pretty introverted and shy. If a girl I liked had approached me and offered a date I would have been thrilled. Don't be afraid to ignite that spark and then let him keep pursuing you if a relationship develops.

I also don't see how being different races would be a big deal. We're all humans and it shouldn't make a difference what color you both are.

 

[JojotheBeloved]

Hello married people,

I thought I should ask this question here. I go to a smallish church with only a few tens of people in the congregation. One of them is a kind, hardworking man. He is single and has never been married, though he did date in the past before he was Christian. He's been single for about a decade now. He has a very stern, unamused look on his face most of the time and everyone thinks he's depressed, but with me he smiles. He smiles when I walk into the sanctuary, and smiles when we lock eyes. He blushes when he speaks with me, and I do too, and we've so far failed to have many meaningful conversations because of this...because as soon as we look at each other, we blush and look away. I've fallen very very hard for him. He's kind, giving, devout, tall, handsome...everything, really.

I've gone to this church for a handful of years and he's always been friendly, but this past year he's seemed to light up a lot around me. I only see him on Sundays and I spend the entire week anxiously waiting for Sunday to come so I can see him. I'm always very happy when I see him but we only blush at each other, say our quick hellos, and both have to leave afterwards. Then I'm deflated for the rest of the day and the next few days as well. It's very depressing and frustrating to go through this, so much so that I can hardly do any work during the week. He never calls or texts except within the context of church logistics. I'm very sad and emotionally drained by this.

I'm curious...seeing as the signals of our desiring to be with each other are mutually understood and communicated, would it be bad for me to ask him what he's thinking? I feel defeated here. On one hand, I want him to be the one to come to me. On the other, he's very shy and has been single for a decade and I wonder if he'll ever bring things up if I don't nudge him. I know he wants to be married one day, though. The other factor is that we're of different races...which might be a barrier to our relationship. I'm brown; he's white.

What do you think? Am I allowed to say to him:
"This is confusing me..."

Don't be defeated, sister! Be empowered! It sounds like it's been pretty obvious to you that he's interested. But since he's been single for so long, it's very possible he will not make the first move. If you want a real relationship to begin, you may have to be the one to approach him. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. Ruth approached Boaz rather boldly and the result was a good one (see the Bible book of Ruth). My husband and I were friends and mutually decided to start a more serious romantic relationship, and it has been good for us to be up front in what we both wanted. It set a good tone for our marriage to be able to talk about our relationship openly. In my opinion, it is totally okay to tell him how you feel and let him know what you want. If he reciprocates, great. If not, there's really no harm done. But you'll know where he's at either way.

A couple of cautions though... be excited, be hopeful, but try to be reasonable as well.

Since he's been single so long and hasn't dated for a while, he may have some very good reasons not to. Just be aware that if he does turn you down, it may not be about you but about him and his life journey. So try not to be offended.

It seems you're both in an infatuation stage of relationship - which can be a lot of fun, don't get me wrong - but in this stage everything looks hopeful, beautiful, shiny, new, perfect, etc. Be very careful during this stage that you don't overlook potential red flags or "deal breakers" that may alert you to future potential problems. Enjoy this stage of relationship and don't be paranoid, but go into it with your eyes wide open. You don't really know a person until you know them when life doesn't look so glossy and perfect. I would even submit that you don't really know a person until you've been close to them through hard times and seen who they are when facing adversity. If they're still a person you'd want to be with even when it seems all hell is breaking loose, than go deeper. If not, walk away.

I wouldn't let race be an obstacle for me. At one time I would've said differently, but God convicted my heart that I was wrong to be concerned with outward appearances before I knew a person's heart. Common experiences and values are more important and being able to accept and understand who your partner is and how they feel even in your differences are especially important. These things can transcend race and skin-tone. If he's not hung up on it, I wouldn't be concerned with it. If he is hung up on it, than maybe he's not the guy for you.

These are just observations from your post which I would advise anyone take into consideration. Ultimately, it's your choice what you do. Good luck.

 

[annafullofgrace]

Absolutely!! Make the first move-ask him out for coffee...my husband was very shy in the beginning. I asked him first.

 

[Teslafied]

I may be the odd one out but I wouldn't make the first move, women should not have to make the first moves.

I done been down a similar road before and it ended in disaster. A few years back before I married I met a guy in church and it took me a full year just to get him to talk or anything, he was also really shy. It seemed like I was always the one who had to flirt or make any of the first moves and it drove me bonkers. After a gruelingly long process I got him to court me and even then it all felt forced. Ultimately his shy persona was all a facade, deep down he was wild he just wanted the attention, he enjoyed seeing girls vy for his affection. He ended up cheating on me and dumped me for another chick because I was not willing to give myself to him.

If a guy likes you he will make the first move, period. Even now in my marriage I had to be the one to make all the first moves , and let me give you some advice it's not fun... What you put up with during the courting / dating process is exactly what you'll have to put up with after. I know for one I don't like to be the one to make all the moves or initiate things it's utterly annoying. Don't be like me girl...

 

[Dave-W]

If a guy likes you he will make the first move, period.

That is absolutely not true. As a guy, I had several crushes (3 that were super intense) and I never moved on 2 of them; got shot down big time on the 3rd by the congregational leadership. In all 3 cases I never said word 1 about how I felt to the girls. I know that #1 never knew anything about it from talking to her dad some decades later. #2 probably knew since one of her best friends knew from my guy friends.

 

[akmom]

We had a way of dealing with this conundrum in high school. You get a friend to strike up a conversation and then ask him if he likes you. The friend relates the answer back to you later, privately. If that's too obvious, then you get one of your gal friends to ask one of his guy friends to ask if he likes you. Yep, that's what we did! Or we'd wrangle each other into a game of Truth or Dare, but given your presumed ages (30+) and setting (church), that probably wouldn't go over terribly well.

Good luck!