Toxic marriage & infidelity. What now?

[brokenanddown]

I will try not to make this run long.

In short I'm the wayward spouse. I've been married 14 years, 3 young children. I've been a stay at home parent while my spouse has a career. I've worked a few small jobs over the years but my spouse wanted me to stay home and raise the kids.

Our marriage was never easy. We got married due to pregnancy and my spouse was 12 years older and not a Christian.

He got saved after we were married and cleaned his life up before the birth of our first child. He had been in jail before and also had issues w alcohol and drugs and a terrible, traumatic childhood.

I also had lots of trauma myself. Raised by a hateful mother who neglected me and I also was assaulted in college. Before that my childhood included lots of physical abuse.

So when my spouse and I found one another it was two people who had been through hell and back a few times.

In our marriage I've experienced mental and emotional abuse. Lots of it. My spouse also had tendency to be violent. While he never struck me, he threw things at me and put his hands on our kids. Or he would back me into corners threatening violence. He also drank everyday but never appeared to be drunk.

He also works 80 hour weeks by choice and would leave me to care for the children.

He wouldn't give me intimacy and zero emotional support. Or even normal hand holding or hugs unless I begged. And even then he would cut them short citing he had work to do.

Fast forward 13 years. I finally had enough. I had begged with God and cried to God countless nights. I also had anger and would lash out at my spouse and I take responsibility for that. I also had terrible anxiety and depression and would be suicidal at times after our fights.

We have no family to help us and so often it was just me and the children. I was lonely and isolated. My spouse also wouldn't let me know or be part of any financial decisions or accounts. I felt like an ignored nanny and maid.

Low and behold, I had 2 affairs.
Prior to the affairs I did ask for a divorce or a separation a few times. My spouse didn't want to.

The first affair was moreso an emotional affair. It turned physical once and I cut it off.

I also knew I could not stay married once I hurt/betrayed my spouse that way. I had been going to therapy a lot before and after the affair and due to my therapist knowing about my spouse and his violence, she told me to not tell him yet (covid happened and lockdown happened) because he could hurt me. I also had nowhere to go.

He also had threatened violence recently and breaking things due to Covid. And had put his hands on our kids.

So my therapist advised me to work on forgiving myself and going forward.

So I made the decision to live through the pandemic and then get out of my marriage. And not tell my spouse about my infidelity.

I unfortunately lost my part time job and was now full time watching our kids and schooling them.

In comes the 2nd affair 5 months later.
I'll admit, the last year I was as far from God as possible and almost a little angry.

I felt for 13 years I gave all to a man who wouldn't hug me or see me. I was loyal and doting wife...and I had to deal with his abuse and God never seemed to remedy the marriage.

I prayed nightly and every morning. I read the Bible, did devotionals, taught in church, volunteered, tithed, (I had quit teaching in church before all this started.) I felt like I tried. And instead the hurt was worse.

Our hard marriage does NOT justify the affairs. At all.
But I was far from God and completely pursuing my own selfish distractions at this point.

My 2nd affair....the man pursued me for months. I finally gave in and he was everything I felt I wanted and needed. At least for a few weeks. Until I found out he was a narcissist who preys upon married women. He pretended to be spiritual and a Christian man. He said and did all the right things.

I ended the affair after a month. He kept trying (the affair partner) and about a month later, my spouse found out because the former affair partner was trying to get me to choose between them.

I didnt want my affair partner.

Initially my spouse lashed out at me. He said some of the meanest things and did some meanest things but I took them. I deserved it. He kicked me out and gave me no access to any money or the kids. He took my keys and I had nothing.

I was scared but felt like this was it and I would have to figure out life from here.

He decided after a few days he wanted to try and he then did a 180°. He became the man I always wanted. He began praying and crying (never saw him cry) he told me he loved me. He kissed me and loved on me. I thought, "Wow this must be God. Because he was never capable of this ever in 14 years."

However, things lasted 3 weeks before he began acting the same way again. We are both in individual counseling and marriage counseling.

We have had 5 marriage counselor in 14 years. (It has been a hard marriage).

He lashes out at me and I lash out in fear saying I can't have our marriage go back to what it was before.

I feel we are so toxic and can't get past stuff. Our marriage was bad before the affairs and I wonder why God wants us in this bad situation.

I know I made my awful decisions and I am terribly remorseful. I cut off all contact w everyone. I'm in a major depression and my spouse who loves on me one second, then tells me the other he doesn't know he can do this.

The toxic cycle continues and it has me in fetal position most days.

I just am not sure what is best and wonder if God could give me a sign. I know Biblically my spouse could divorce me. But I think he stays with me because he rather work and not deal and I care for the children. They're all pretty young.

I could say a lot more.
Yes I was terribly wrong for my affairs and would take them back in a heartbeat.

I just dont know how to handle the depression, guilt and self hate and wonder what to do next or if I can endure anymore from my spouse.

I feel the foundation has always been rocky and while I am being transparent and communicative with him in all ways....it is hard to move onward when the ground seems to be so shaky.

 

[Tolworth John]

Is your husband aware of his temper tantrums and of the harm he is doing to his children?

Are you both prepared to put in the hard work to change how you both behave?

If you are talk to your pastor about a Christian councelor for his temper and for marriage counseling to work on your marriage.

 

[RaymondG]

About 95% of your post contain good reasons for doing everything that you have done, good reasons for feeling everything that you feel, and good reasons for being the way you are.

If you desire to do better, feel better, and be better you must first get rid of/remove these good reasons, for remaining the way you are.

 

[brokenanddown]

Is your husband aware of his temper tantrums and of the harm he is doing to his children?

Are you both prepared to put in the hard work to change how you both behave?

If you are talk to your pastor about a Christian councelor for his temper and for marriage counseling to work on your marriage.

 

[brokenanddown]

He is aware at times but also tries to gaslight and say they're not as bad as they are. (The times he was violent.)

He has stopped drinking since we began reconciliation. And has not put his hands on the kids. I also have stood up to him countless times about that. The violence against the children stopped more when they were able to verbally tell me what was happening.

I have stopped the affairs and blocked anyone. I have no desire to go down that road again. I don't know how to fix being worried about my spouse and how we relate and communicate.

I always want to talk and figure things out and understand one another. He pushes me away and works. Or, he will tell me he doesn't think he can do this and disappears while I'm left at home with the children.

As far as the kids, they have witnessed way too much. It seems they're growing up in a toxic household with a mother who is always lowly.

The affairs were a definite distraction from reality.

 

[brokenanddown]

About 95% of your post contain good reasons for doing everything that you have done, good reasons for feeling everything that you feel, and good reasons for being the way you are.

If you desire to do better, feel better, and be better you must first get rid of/remove these good reasons, for remaining the way you are.

 

[brokenanddown]

Meaning my spouse?
He says if we divorce, he will lose his business and I'll ruin the children's lives.

I really do think he just wants me in the role of a childcare and control most of all. I do think he loves me in his way and I love him but I worry he will continue neglecting me when I need him emotionally.

Our relationship has always been about whose in control and he very much is. If he knows this or not, I'm not sure.

Time and money are how he controls things. He is never home, therefore I have the children. He also has everything in his name. So it feels like I'm very stuck.

I do however have a 2nd job interview this week. I worry about leaving children and schedules but I feel I need to see if this an opportunity I need to take.

 

[JohnDB]

Ok...
So with choices there comes consequences...no doubt about it. And once a match has been struck there's no unstriking it or striking it again. It's burned.
And you have had to learn the hard way that "two wounded souls don't make a marriage they make a wing/ward in the hospital for wounded souls"

The question is not "Can everything go back to normal?"
BUT
"Can I have a joyful life from here?"
AND
"Can I keep this from harming the kids?"

And that's a very full plate of work.
None of it is going to be pleasant.

Yes, there is life after divorce. Marriage after infidelity does exist but more often than not it is not a pleasant life. That ship sailed long ago.

You have to own your mistakes.
It's not ALL his fault. You have your share as well. Marrying a man who isn't a Christian. Marrying a man with different/competing goals. Your concerns were highly self centered during your marriage (just like his but different)
You may have had reasons why you did them but that doesn't make them any less wrong to do.

Owning them is the first part of healing.
Do you want to be well?

Forgiveness of yourself is the next part...

Forgiveness of him comes afterwards.

Now you can't control him. (You have a difficult time enough just controlling yourself like the rest of us)
What choices he makes I can't tell you.

But I'd be looking for a new place to live and financial support and a job if I were you.

 

[brokenanddown]

Ok...
So with choices there comes consequences...no doubt about it. And once a match has been struck there's no unstriking it or striking it again. It's burned.
And you have had to learn the hard way that "two wounded souls don't make a marriage they make a wing/ward in the hospital for wounded souls"

The question is not "Can everything go back to normal?"
BUT
"Can I have a joyful life from here?"
AND
"Can I keep this from harming the kids?"

And that's a very full plate of work.
None of it is going to be pleasant.

Yes, there is life after divorce. Marriage after infidelity does exist but more often than not it is not a pleasant life. That ship sailed long ago.

You have to own your mistakes.
It's not ALL his fault. You have your share as well. Marrying a man who isn't a Christian. Marrying a man with different/competing goals. Your concerns were highly self centered during your marriage (just like his but different)
You may have had reasons why you did them but that doesn't make them any less wrong to do.

Owning them is the first part of healing.
Do you want to be well?

Forgiveness of yourself is the next part...

Forgiveness of him comes afterwards.

Now you can't control him. (You have a difficult time enough just controlling yourself like the rest of us)
What choices he makes I can't tell you.

But I'd be looking for a new place to live and financial support and a job if I were you.

 

[brokenanddown]

Thank you. This was hard to hear but needed.

I definitely own up to my affairs. And they were not at all justified in anyway due to my marriage issues. They were selfish and negligent on my part.

Forgiving myself for them is another thing. I'm sure it is easy to tell I have self esteem issues. While my childhood is also not an excuse for poor behavior, the physical and emotional abuse takes a toll..

Then I married (very young and pregnant) my husband and the cycle continued. So breaking that cycle I've only known is hard.

I can forgive him, but forgiving me is not something I know how to do.

I of course ask Christ for forgiveness daily but not sure He can either with how far I ran from Him.

 

[tturt]

Encourage everyone to watch "Marriage Today" on Daystar. (Sundays).

Plus their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. He was recently interviewed on Joni: Table Table for 4 sessions about his book "The Four Laws of Love." Think those can still be viewed.

There's hundreds on youtube.