- Jun 13, 2018
- 17
- 12
- 55
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Eastern Orthodox
- Marital Status
- Married
So, I discovered Holy Orthodoxy here back in 2004. I can't remember any details about my old account, hence the reason I started a new one. I'm not trying to hide my identity, I just can't remember it.
Anyway, I was a typical convert for a while then kinda stagnated for a while due to several factors.
A couple years ago, things started getting pretty bad for me spiritually. I'm self-diagnosed autistic. I'm 95% sure it's Asperger's as all the traits fit in some way. I leave 5% for the possibility of some strange form of benign psychopathy. I've always had an innate tendency towards peaceful coexistence and never understood why people can't get along and I'm utterly disgusted by egotism. My pragmatism mauls my ego any time it tries to pipe up about anything so it's very offensive to see people who seem to willingly leash themselves to such a fickle master.
All of this pretty much brought me to Ecclesiastes. Not literally but I remembered reading it and now, it has a whole new meaning. I was flailing so I did the only thing I could think of to resist a spiritual attack at this level of intensity, I started saying the Jesus Prayer. Like, use the mental skills I've developed to make it into something that runs in the back of my head on multiple tracks while concentrating on saying it at every moment that my attention isn't required to function in society.
I took St. Moses advice, "Go sit in your cell and your cell will teach you everything." I realized God had blessed me with the best cell, my mind. Shutting the world out? Hard? How hard is it to stop holding open this HEAVY wall that allows me to perceive and interact with the world? Yeah, let the wall slam shut and...WOAH, this smell! ICK! It's filthy in here!!! Pretty much praying and asking Christ to show me my sins and LOOKING AT them when He does. It's nowhere nearly as clean as it needs to be but it's better than it was.
I agonized over some things that I thought threatened my salvation but over which I had NO control. My social anxiety makes it difficult to do a lot of Church activities and that wasn't changing. One night I was crying and begging Christ for answers on why He would make me this way. People are so hateful and twisted that it hurts to be here. He asked me, clear as day in my mind, "How do you think I felt?" A sudden rush of knowledge showed me why He made me the way He did. Why He made everyone the way He did. We are all to relate to different aspects of Him as no one person could relate to all of His aspects. Even that is an oversimplification but my vocabulary is so limited. Suddenly a lifetime of suffering turned sweet because that's how He can relate to me and how I can relate to Him.
He's shown me a lot lately. Not, like, prophetic stuff or anything, just personal stuff for me like the nature of the universe/reality/Reality.
It's all just condensed energy caused by vibrating singularities that protrude into nothing, simultaneously creating everything and the space for it to occupy. Vibrating everything into existence...like a Vocalization. Because that's all it is.
The metaphor that helped me most was viewing it as, well, a manufacturing process. The purpose of everything is to provide a Counterpart for God. It's an unfathomably complex and involved process. We are (should be) in a constant state of refinement.
We are immortal creatures, we have a distinct beginning but will continue forever because we are made in His image. Yet, He promises us eternal life. Eternal is without beginning or end. We were designed to function in an eternal state with Him. Those are some pretty extreme operating parameters.
I'm keeping my priest updated and asking questions because I live in fear of prelest. I'd really love to get in touch with a monk with whom I could correspond about some things.
I'm doing a lot better, the depression and flirtation with nihilism is GONE. The world-weariness isn't. In fact, it's gotten worse. Please keep me in your prayers, the path is getting rather precarious in places.
Anyway, I was a typical convert for a while then kinda stagnated for a while due to several factors.
A couple years ago, things started getting pretty bad for me spiritually. I'm self-diagnosed autistic. I'm 95% sure it's Asperger's as all the traits fit in some way. I leave 5% for the possibility of some strange form of benign psychopathy. I've always had an innate tendency towards peaceful coexistence and never understood why people can't get along and I'm utterly disgusted by egotism. My pragmatism mauls my ego any time it tries to pipe up about anything so it's very offensive to see people who seem to willingly leash themselves to such a fickle master.
All of this pretty much brought me to Ecclesiastes. Not literally but I remembered reading it and now, it has a whole new meaning. I was flailing so I did the only thing I could think of to resist a spiritual attack at this level of intensity, I started saying the Jesus Prayer. Like, use the mental skills I've developed to make it into something that runs in the back of my head on multiple tracks while concentrating on saying it at every moment that my attention isn't required to function in society.
I took St. Moses advice, "Go sit in your cell and your cell will teach you everything." I realized God had blessed me with the best cell, my mind. Shutting the world out? Hard? How hard is it to stop holding open this HEAVY wall that allows me to perceive and interact with the world? Yeah, let the wall slam shut and...WOAH, this smell! ICK! It's filthy in here!!! Pretty much praying and asking Christ to show me my sins and LOOKING AT them when He does. It's nowhere nearly as clean as it needs to be but it's better than it was.
I agonized over some things that I thought threatened my salvation but over which I had NO control. My social anxiety makes it difficult to do a lot of Church activities and that wasn't changing. One night I was crying and begging Christ for answers on why He would make me this way. People are so hateful and twisted that it hurts to be here. He asked me, clear as day in my mind, "How do you think I felt?" A sudden rush of knowledge showed me why He made me the way He did. Why He made everyone the way He did. We are all to relate to different aspects of Him as no one person could relate to all of His aspects. Even that is an oversimplification but my vocabulary is so limited. Suddenly a lifetime of suffering turned sweet because that's how He can relate to me and how I can relate to Him.
He's shown me a lot lately. Not, like, prophetic stuff or anything, just personal stuff for me like the nature of the universe/reality/Reality.
It's all just condensed energy caused by vibrating singularities that protrude into nothing, simultaneously creating everything and the space for it to occupy. Vibrating everything into existence...like a Vocalization. Because that's all it is.
The metaphor that helped me most was viewing it as, well, a manufacturing process. The purpose of everything is to provide a Counterpart for God. It's an unfathomably complex and involved process. We are (should be) in a constant state of refinement.
We are immortal creatures, we have a distinct beginning but will continue forever because we are made in His image. Yet, He promises us eternal life. Eternal is without beginning or end. We were designed to function in an eternal state with Him. Those are some pretty extreme operating parameters.
I'm keeping my priest updated and asking questions because I live in fear of prelest. I'd really love to get in touch with a monk with whom I could correspond about some things.
I'm doing a lot better, the depression and flirtation with nihilism is GONE. The world-weariness isn't. In fact, it's gotten worse. Please keep me in your prayers, the path is getting rather precarious in places.
