Teetotaling Family Issues

[Chickadee18]

A bit of background: Neither of my parents ever drank when I was growing up. My grandparents were alcoholics before becoming Christians, and my parents were united in rejecting alcohol on that basis, along with growing up in a strict Pentecostal church.

As a result, I was very fearful of alcohol both growing up and into early adulthood. Now, I'll have the occasional social drink out with friends, but it is always treated with respect and never to drunkenness. It is not, however, something that I share with most of my family. I don't plan on sharing it with most of them, just to keep peace.

I'm currently living with my widowed mother to help her out with her bills, and in a few months I'll be taking her on a cruise with me and my sister for a much needed getaway. She does not know that my sister and I drink. It would be nice to have a drink while on this vacation that I've been so looking forward to (not to mention paying for), but I just don't know if it would be too inflammatory to do around my mother. Is this something worth discussing, or should I just leave it alone?

 

[Sam91]

How old are you? I think I would advise different dependent on that.

 

[Chickadee18]

I’m in my mid-twenties.

 

[Kevin Snow]

It's all about whether you are willing to stand your ground about it or not. It's clear you don't find it a problem to drink at all but that you both agree that drinking for drunkenness is wrong. So if you want to make the big reveal to your mother on a cruise then that is entirely up to you. There is nothing wrong with it, whether you do or don't. It's just what you're willing to go through with your mother.

If you're looking for encouragement to do this then I point you to what Paul said here:

I do not mean your conscience, but his. For why should my liberty be determined by someone else’s conscience? ~1 Corinthians 10:29

If you feel free to drink, there is no reason that freedom should be encaged by your mother's will. So why not drink? But if it honestly bothers your mother too much, then drink when she's not around and be at peace with one another.

 

[Monna]

How old are you?

From your other post I assume you are at least in your mid twenties.

I also grew up in a home where alcohol was not used. However, when I was grown, my parents made it clear that they were not in principle against alcoholic beverages, but that great care was to be used in how, when and under what circumstances it would be served. I never saw them drink beer, but they had the occasional wine - never more than a glass (at least in presence, even after I was 50 years old). Nor would they serve or drink wine if they had guests that they knew had objections to alcohol, or had had difficulties with drink.

I suggest that as a grown woman you should be able to broach the subject with your mother. If you think it might be difficult, try an oblique start - like ask her what she thinks of Jesus' miracle of changing water to wine, and what Judges 9:13 and Psalm 104:15, Ecclesiast3es 9:7 and similar verses imply. Don't make a big deal about it, but use the conversation to guage her general attitude to alcohol. Take it from there.

 

[MoneyGuy]

Tell her beforehand that you drink a little and responsibly. If she objects it's best to know that now and she can bow out if she wishes, but she may surprise you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Don't be a phony about it.

 

[Sam91]

In that case I think you should tactfully tell her that you drink a little but responsibly from time to time and are planning to do it on the cruise. Let her know that she won't need to deal with you being drunk and keep to your word.

After seeing her parents suffering from alcoholism it might be an issue that worries her. However, it is her issue and not yours.

As her daughter though it would be loving to not cause her unnecessary distress. Give her time to process it and come up with any worries that she might want to voice. She might worry over why you need it to have a good time. You will want to be able to confirm that you enjoy yourself without it too.

 

[Rescued One]

1 Corinthians 8
13 Wherefore, if meat make my brother to offend, I will eat no flesh while the world standeth, lest I make my brother to offend.

Romans 14
15 But if thy brother be grieved with thy meat, now walkest thou not charitably. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died. 16Let not then your good be evil spoken of:17 For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost. 18 For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men.19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another. 20 For meat destroy not the work of God. All things indeed are pure; but it is evil for that man who eateth with offence. 21 It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.

I am not opposed to someone having an occasional drink even though I never do. But I would be more concerned about my mother's feelings than my right to drink alcohol.

Romans 14
19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.

Romans 15
2 Let every one of us please his neighbour for his good to edification.

 

[SkyWriting]

A bit of background: Neither of my parents ever drank when I was growing up. My grandparents were alcoholics before becoming Christians, and my parents were united in rejecting alcohol on that basis, along with growing up in a strict Pentecostal church.

As a result, I was very fearful of alcohol both growing up and into early adulthood. Now, I'll have the occasional social drink out with friends, but it is always treated with respect and never to drunkenness. It is not, however, something that I share with most of my family. I don't plan on sharing it with most of them, just to keep peace.

I'm currently living with my widowed mother to help her out with her bills, and in a few months I'll be taking her on a cruise with me and my sister for a much needed getaway. She does not know that my sister and I drink. It would be nice to have a drink while on this vacation that I've been so looking forward to (not to mention paying for), but I just don't know if it would be too inflammatory to do around my mother. Is this something worth discussing, or should I just leave it alone?

Never mind what church. You might be of an "addictive" physiology. In these cases you can become addicted to alcohol or other substances. My mom is and my dad was not. He stopped drinking or smoking anytime he wanted to with no problems. My mom has never been able to break her habits. So you should know by now how vulnerable you are to addiction if you think about it. My mom avoids alcohol becuase she knew she could become an addict. My dad never worried about it.

 

[drjean]

Hmmm interesting with a few sides of opinions...
Of course your mom would be concerned that at such a young age (or any age perhaps but surely this young age) that you and your sister are drinking "socially" to... to what? Enjoy? Relax? You see, this is how alcoholism begins so her fears would be founded (I'm not taking her side, I'm just sharing.)

Then why not NOT drink while on the cruise? Why can't you give it up for the cruise? Ah see, she'll have her side supported because those who desire and require (and insert any other words she might use) to drink simply can't live without it, it adds to their enjoyment and they need it and cannot give it up even for a short cruise. Or she would have a come back when you both say that you could give it up for the cruise but you don't want to... and she'd have your backs against the wall again.

I mean, they all say they can give it up whenever they want to... and they do that often... because they can't really.... and then some just say they don't want to and why should they have to?

Alcohol, as you have probably heard, is a depressant. Why would you want to take a depressant on what is a great trip!? Alcohol alters reality. Why would you want to not enjoy each moment of a cruise that you are paying for with hard earned money?

I think you and your sister need to really think about your actions with regards to alcohol consumption, why you need to drink. As for telling your mom? I think it will be best if you two just don't drink on the trip. That's my POV.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

romans 14:13-23 is helpful in these situations.

you can have a drink on your outing, but maybe do it when she isn't around. if it bothers her conscience to drink or be around people who drink, we as believers have an obligation to respect that.

 

[MoneyGuy]

if it bothers her conscience to drink or be around people who drink, we as believers have an obligation to respect that.

I think parents should respect the decisions of their adult children when such decisions aren't harmful and differ from their values.

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

A bit of background: Neither of my parents ever drank when I was growing up. My grandparents were alcoholics before becoming Christians, and my parents were united in rejecting alcohol on that basis, along with growing up in a strict Pentecostal church.

As a result, I was very fearful of alcohol both growing up and into early adulthood. Now, I'll have the occasional social drink out with friends, but it is always treated with respect and never to drunkenness. It is not, however, something that I share with most of my family. I don't plan on sharing it with most of them, just to keep peace.

I'm currently living with my widowed mother to help her out with her bills, and in a few months I'll be taking her on a cruise with me and my sister for a much needed getaway. She does not know that my sister and I drink. It would be nice to have a drink while on this vacation that I've been so looking forward to (not to mention paying for), but I just don't know if it would be too inflammatory to do around my mother. Is this something worth discussing, or should I just leave it alone?

Sounds to me like you are responsible about it, I would keep it that way, and only drink when and where you can in good conscience without causing others to stumble. Honor your mother, respect her wishes in her presence. God bless!

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

I think parents should respect the decisions of their adult children when such decisions aren't harmful and differ from their values.

that would be nice if that were the case. if not, however, our biblical obligation is to be respectful of the conscience of our neighbor.

 

[Chickadee18]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I think, for now, things are just going to stay as they are. After a series of hypothetical questions I learned that she would take no issue with someone having a drink in front of her, because she wouldn’t be drinking. But she seemed to take issue with the notion of me having a drink, in front of her or otherwise. It was then reiterated that she would have no issue with someone having a drink in front of her, because *we* wouldn’t be drinking.

I want to point out that I’m not letting this get in the way of my relationship with my mother. It’s not that important to me, especially as I rarely drink to begin with. Unfortunately there’s an underlying control issue here that’s not going anywhere anytime soon.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I think, for now, things are just going to stay as they are. After a series of hypothetical questions I learned that she would take no issue with someone having a drink in front of her, because she wouldn’t be drinking. But she seemed to take issue with the notion of me having a drink, in front of her or otherwise. It was then reiterated that she would have no issue with someone having a drink in front of her, because *we* wouldn’t be drinking.

I want to point out that I’m not letting this get in the way of my relationship with my mother. It’s not that important to me, especially as I rarely drink to begin with. Unfortunately there’s an underlying control issue here that’s not going anywhere anytime soon.

I think it is a matter of how she is looking out for your best interest. Life can sometimes throw a curve ball at you. When life gets hard, drinking can be an escape. If you swore off drinking as something that destroys lives, then you would not be open to going down such a wrong road. Granted, you may feel that may not happen. But life sometimes does not always turn out like we expect. I used to also drink socially as a Christian. That is until my fiancé asked me to stop drinking because her Uncle destroyed his life with alcohol. At first, when she asked me, I was angry. I did not want her to control my life. But marriage is about giving things up sometimes and being able to compromise on certain things. I also said to myself.... what is more important.... the occasional drink or my amazing fiancé? I chose my amazing fiancé instead. From that point, I then started to study the topic of alcohol in the Bible and the science behind alcohol. I have come to learn that alcohol is technically not even a food. It is a drug and or a poison. The Bible gives us many warnings against strong alcoholic type beverages. This is not the kind of drink we have a liberty to drink (anymore than we have a liberty to eat small doses of rat poison).

See my 6 reasons why Jesus did not make alcoholic wine.

Jesus drank alcohol?

Here is a new study that says that moderate drinking can damage the brain.

Even moderate drinking can damage the brain, claim researchers

Alcohol is a drug that kills many people every day. It contains no value for your nutrition. It has no vitamins or minerals that are good for you. It seeks to attack your immune system. It is technically a mild poison (that body can fight off in most cases). If I knew a mild poison that could slowly kill me over a long period of time tasted good and or made me feel good, I would not take it. Why? Because it is a poison. God's Word says we are not to defile our temple otherwise God will destroy us.

 

[Sketcher]

A bit of background: Neither of my parents ever drank when I was growing up. My grandparents were alcoholics before becoming Christians, and my parents were united in rejecting alcohol on that basis, along with growing up in a strict Pentecostal church.

As a result, I was very fearful of alcohol both growing up and into early adulthood. Now, I'll have the occasional social drink out with friends, but it is always treated with respect and never to drunkenness. It is not, however, something that I share with most of my family. I don't plan on sharing it with most of them, just to keep peace.

I'm currently living with my widowed mother to help her out with her bills, and in a few months I'll be taking her on a cruise with me and my sister for a much needed getaway. She does not know that my sister and I drink. It would be nice to have a drink while on this vacation that I've been so looking forward to (not to mention paying for), but I just don't know if it would be too inflammatory to do around my mother. Is this something worth discussing, or should I just leave it alone?

So much of that depends on who your mom is, and how the issue is handled. Some parents (like mine) accept the fact that I drink responsibly and weren't emotionally triggered into thinking that having a beer automatically made me a drunk. Other parents are not so reasonable. You had a strict Pentecostal upbringing though, while I did not; I grew up non-denominational while being close to family members who are Catholic, and their diocese has its own pint glasses. I don't know how much of a difference this makes.