Surviving Infidelity

[Blake.H]

Hey all, Im new here.

11 months ago my DH confessed to cheating on me while abroad for business. He saw a prostiture 3 times and had several lapdances. Needless to say, it was devastating for me. I did not feel that i want to end our marriage though...which is what i would have thought to be reaction. I was deeply hurt...i am still deeply hurt. I still struggle with obsessive thoughts about the stripper and i find myself comparing us all the time... was she better in bed than me? Was she prettier? Hotter? Etc etc... i get suspicious when my husband is on his phone... now after 11 months...i feel that this has hurt my ego more....i dont feel good enough, i dont feel beautiful enough, i just dont feel wanted . I want to save my marriage, we jave been to a counsellor..i have seen a coupke of spiritual leaders too...but it all comes back to me feeling inadequate. Will i ever feel wanted again and trust him fully??? He is trying constantly to reassure me that he wants me and he feels devastated of what he was capable of doing, but he says he was in a bad space...involved in porn before the actaul cheating and once he slept with her the first time he felt terrible but it was so easy going back. I feel dirty.... i feel thrown away...

 

[Endeavourer]

Blake, I am SO sorry for the reasons you are here. Infidelity can be survived if you choose to. It's up to you to choose to do so or not.

If you choose to do so, couples who survive and thrive afterwards follow a checklist of actions. This checklist was developed after studying thousands of couples who recovered from affairs. Those that recovered with a better marriage than they had before did these actions, which is how this checklist was developed:

Checklist for How Affairs Should End:

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Credit for the research and for this checklist goes to Dr. Harley at marriagebuilders.com.

Have you done any of these things? If so, which ones have you NOT done?

Hugs,
E.

 

[Endeavourer]

Blake, here is an article that you will find very helpful:

How to Survive an Affair (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)

 

[Blake.H]

Blake, I am SO sorry for the reasons you are here. Infidelity can be survived if you choose to. It's up to you to choose to do so or not.

If you choose to do so, couples who survive and thrive afterwards follow a checklist of actions. This checklist was developed after studying thousands of couples who recovered from affairs. Those that recovered with a better marriage than they had before did these actions, which is how this checklist was developed:

Checklist for How Affairs Should End:

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Credit for the research and for this checklist goes to Dr. Harley at marriagebuilders.com.

Have you done any of these things? If so, which ones have you NOT done?

Hugs,
E.

Hi there, thanks so much for the info! We have done all of these i believe. We also went for std tests when it was revieled. It was a hooker in another country. So no need for job change. He doesnt have social media accounts and has changed phone number, so have I. He has given me bank statements for all money spent on lapdances and the prostitute. He doesnt have passwords on his phone and said i can take it and check anytime. His email password is wriiten down and said i can access it as i please. When he is away for work. He checks in regularly. Our families know about it and they know we are seeing a counsellor about it. Me and husband make a point to spend time alone together without kids since it happened. We talk more. We are more open with each other. To be honest...i can see how he has changed and the effort he puts into US....BUT my mind is making me SICK! i keep obsessing and cant put that to rest...its been 11 months since and i understand trauma has no time limit on....but i just wish i could leave the past in the past...but instead i feel like im not good enough! Like i was the cause...i am trying sooooooo hard!!!!