Step-Parenting

[E-beth]

When I was in high-school, my mom married a guy with kids.  My step-sister is three months younger than I am and we are as alike as Britney Spears and Mother Teresa.  My mother and step-father were, I believe, completely overwhelmed by the step-parenting roles they now had, and our house was a confused mess most of the time.

Then a year ago I married a man with a ten year old daughter.  He rarely gets to see her, but when he first told her that we were seriously dating, then engaged, she was ecstatic.  The first time I talked to her on the phone after we got engaged she said she loved me and called me "Mom".  "Wow!" thought I, in complete ignorance This step-parenting thing is EASY 

Boy was I wrong!  Even though we only see her once a month, reality has hit hard.  First we went to eat dinner at a restaurant together and I was appalled by her table manners.  Then she would show up for our visitation unclean, with poor manners in public, and would be wearing clothes that did not fit her well or were inappropriate.  The worst was when we went to a wedding together and she talked and fidgited and clunked the hymn books until I wanted to crawl under a pew.  Later I talked to my hubby about it, and he hadn't noticed all of what she was doing and talked to her mom about it.  I feel that I really can't discipline her yet, as I am not really in her confidence yet and I sense she would resent it. So basically our relationship is that we chit-chat about her dad and she answers questions I ask her.

Then the baby came.  I feared she would feel jealous that her dad had another child, one who got to actually see him every day.  However, she was excited and thrilled about her new little brother.  It's her stepmother she could do without.  Even though I reach out to her in kindness, she brushes me aside and ignores me most of the time.  I know from growing up that it is difficult to bond with a step-parent, but it still kinda hurts when I feel like a non-parent and non-friend. 

Any other step-parents or stepkids with stories to tell or advice to give?

 

[LilyLamb]

When my "ex" left our family my three children were ages 10, 5.5 and 1.5 years old ... they would spend time with the step-siblings whenever they had visitation with their dad (the girl he ran off with had two little girls and then later had a baby boy by him).  The girls came home with lice a couple of times - which wasn't surprising - and I had to ask my "ex" to tell his girlfriend to stop call our son sh-t head and stuff ... after they broke up and he moved in with another girl things were much better for them during visitations.  Later he got custody of his son ... my son and his step-brother get along well when they get to visit (I think my son likes to visit just to see his brother, not so much his dad).

During the years I was a single mom, my children would try to get me to go out with guys and would ask guys if they would marry their mom :o

When I did meet the man I was to marry they were so excited.  My son walked me down the aisle (he was 8) and the three of them "gave me away".  Afterwards it didn't take my son long to call my husband, "dad" ... my girls still call him by his first name, but they love him and think of him as their dad.  When our son was born not quite two years later they were very happy to have alittle brother to spoil.  There's ten years between the boys yet they are very close and love each other very much.  The girls dote on both brothers.

My husband had a hard time disciplining my son and would let him walk all over him ... until a year later when my son popped out and scared "dad" as he was walking down the hall and dad yelled.  After that he learned to not let little things go until they got out of control and to speak up about how he felt ... they still have a lot of fun together ... they like to wrestle, tickle, droop each other's shorts, make guy noises and hang out on the men's couch watching sports.

The girls are all the time complimenting my DH on what a wonderful dad he is and how they appreciate the way he takes care of me.

Fortunately our situation turned out well and my husband was very much wanted and accepted by my children.

I have both a stepdad and stepmom.  I get along great with both of them.  They didn't come into my life until after I was married, so they didn't have much influence on me ... but I love them just the same and I respect their place in my life.  However, there is one stepsibling that refuses to respect my mom and it causes a lot of heartache.  She takes advantage of her dad and makes things difficult for them (she's in her 30's).

I pray that your relationship with your stepdaughter will improve over the years and that she will trust you as her confidant.  Give it some time.  My middle daughter did not even want to hug my husband, although she was glad to have him marry me, she did not want to display any affection towards him (but she respected him).  A couple of years later she told him that although she still didn't want to call him dad, she would like to start hugging him ... and so they did ... I think he glowed with joy for days after that.

 

Sorry this is long-winded ... hope it spoke to someone.

 

[E-beth]

It did to me!

Thanks!

I forgot to mention that I get along with my step-dad now. I can't bring myself to call him anything but his first name though.

 

[Phoebe]

I am a step- mom to a 17 yr. old. I married her dad when she was six.
Yes, step- parenting is just as hard as being a natural parent. You are just as likely to have self doubt about how you are raising this child.
My step daughter came to live with us two and a half years ago. Her step- dad had hit her in the face. (Nice Jehovah's Witness guy. )
The best advice I can give you is to just love this child, and to be a good example for her. You can't control all of the negative input that she sees. However, you can guide her where you think she needs to go. Provide her with a safe and stable environment.
The next time she comes to visit, buy her a card and flowers, and tell her you're happy to have her as part of your family.

 

[conceived in fire]

[this is a really old thread, but i'll reply anyway]

i'm not quite a step-parent yet, but i spend a lot of time with my future step daughter and do a lot to take care of her. Shes six yrs old and things have been pretty great from the begining. I get her up in the mornings and make sure shes ready for school and make her breakfast and stuff after her mom goes to work [she leaves at around 5:00 am or so], do a lot of the cooking, get her from school etc. We also do a LOT of 'family' type things already. Pretty much every weekend that she is with her mom we do something together, whether its go to a movie or go to the park and play and go for a walk. We go to a childrens museum a lot...once we went to a model train exhibit, it was a lot of fun

i was kind of worried about everything at first...what if she didnt like me, didnt want me taking her fathers place...etc, but things have gone better than i could have possibly imagined. I dont really do much disciplining [after all, i'm not even her step-dad yet], but shes also never totally refused to do what i've asked her to do...sometimes it takes a while [like when i tell her to brush her teeth], but she does end up doing it.

anyway, she loves me and hugs me a lot and wants me to carry her [she didnt at first, but after a couple months she ALWAYS wanted me to carry her] even though shes getting pretty big . Shes called me dad several times, as well as step-dad.

 

[E-beth]

Fire, you will make a GREAT step-dad!

Maybe it easier to step-parent when you start out when the kids are younger. When they are pre-teens or Tweens, it seems they already have their...uh...attitude and stuff.

We never get to see our daughter/step daughter anymore. Her mother has persuaded her that we are no good and that we don't want to see her. We have tried sending her letters and things, but Mom always intervenes. It is sad, really. All we can do for now is pray for her and miss her.

 

[karla]

My mom and step-dad got married when I was nine. I remember the first time I met him - I hated him - I wouldn't leave my mom's side. Once they were married - things were difficult we moved to another state where I knew no one. Hard thing to do at such a young age. Looking back at my teen years - there were times I was outright mean to him. The thing is - he is the best thing that happened to me at that time in my life. I owe who I am and all that I have accomplished to him. I consider him my dad, even more so than my real father. Just remeber that your stepdaughter is getting into those "teen years" and that can be difficult for parents and stepparents. Follow your heart and pray for guidance.

 

[ScreaminEagle64]

I am a father of two boys and stepfather to three more boys. We are blessed with a wonderful relationship and now I am the "father " of 5 wonderful sons. Patience and prayer can avail you much.

 

[spoillon]

I am engaged to a man that has a little 4 yr old girl and I am thrilled that I am going to be her step mom. I have had a couple of problems with the way she is being raised by her mother, so I was wondering, how have others delt with this difference of opinion? Unfortunately her mother refuses to acnowledge my existence so I can't talk to her directly and have been having to direct everything through my fiance so she will even hear it and it is frustrating. Help!