So Confused... I don't want to be married anymore?

[2Confused]

am a married stay at home mother of 2 currently 36 years of age... I have been married for 11 years now, 3 years ago, I had an affair out of pure desperation - I know I was wrong and not even deserving of forgiveness... I continued my affair on and off for over 3 years as mostly friendship, and only seeing my "friend" about once a year intimately, just to satisfy the human need in me for a while... I know it was wrong... but I continue to think of how wonderful it felt to feel so good even for a short bit... My husband has never found out... We (my friend and I) stopped the intimate affair but are still friends, he as myself is in a sexless marriage, both of us unhappy but unwilling to ruin our childrens homes... but I however, am desperately lonely and depressed... I did everything I could, I went to counseling, spoke to my husband numerous times about what I needed in regards to having my needs met, and still nothing changed or has changed thus far... I am afraid that now in my life I have passed a point of no return and am completely and utterly unattracted to him because of the past... I tried very hard, obviously not hard enough I guess... Guilt plagues me everyday for what I did and what I want to continue to do sometimes... is it a sin to fantasize about someone else? It's just so hard sometimes and I can't seem to get any feelings back for my husband we have a completely sexless marriage... I just feel that I am emotionally dead to everything... I miss the simple things that we never really had, kissing, hugging, loving, playfulness (not just sex) I thought marriage would change all that... It's the little things that seem to be important to me, but I can't let it go... btw my unattraction to my husband was bought about from his lack of affection and attention to me... It had nothing to do with physical appearance... I honestly didn't think that married couples kissed (maybe only b4 intimacy) until I spoke to my counselor and she told me "not true"... Then I opened up to a few friends as well and realized that that wasn't the case and that my husband cannot be there for me emotionally... Is it emotional abuse? I am not sure... I am not being physically abused or anything like that...

I have however felt very used in the past, like the only time I deserved attention/affection was in the bedroom... I just can't do it anymore... I am so tired of feeling bad about myself...

I continuously ask God for forgiveness especially when I think of leaving and how selfish I am - I should be so thankful for all of my blessings but why the pain everyday when I wake up and everynight when I go to bed??? I know this life here on earth is a short one compared to the everlasting kingdom of heaven... but, I still fall short and want my temporal needs met...

My children have now seemed to notice things (no kissing, or playfulness, romance etc...) Is this bad? Am I damaging them in other ways by staying around? Or am I doing my duty as a wife and mother and sticking this out for "them" and for the covenant I made in church on my wedding day... till death do us part I guess?

He is a good man, and father, he works very hard and long hours so I can stay home with my children which I am very appreciative of... Why do I have to be so unfullfilled - I have Christ in my life and my beautiful kids and family and shouldn't that be enough? Jeremiah 29:11 seems to pop into my head throughout the day... so I try to wait patiently... but it is tough?

I am seriously debating leaving my husband soon... I am so afraid of hurting the children and sad that my husband might be all alone (who will take care of him)... but I don't want to cheat on my husband again, and I don't know how long I can live this way? I want to do things the right way...

Help please, and pray for me? Thank you all so much!

2Confused

 

[KRAZYCAT]

am a married stay at home mother of 2 currently 36 years of age... I have been married for 11 years now, 3 years ago, I had an affair out of pure desperation - I know I was wrong and not even deserving of forgiveness... I continued my affair on and off for over 3 years as mostly friendship, and only seeing my "friend" about once a year intimately, just to satisfy the human need in me for a while... I know it was wrong... but I continue to think of how wonderful it felt to feel so good even for a short bit... My husband has never found out... We (my friend and I) stopped the intimate affair but are still friends, he as myself is in a sexless marriage, both of us unhappy but unwilling to ruin our childrens homes... but I however, am desperately lonely and depressed... I did everything I could, I went to counseling, spoke to my husband numerous times about what I needed in regards to having my needs met, and still nothing changed or has changed thus far... I am afraid that now in my life I have passed a point of no return and am completely and utterly unattracted to him because of the past... I tried very hard, obviously not hard enough I guess... Guilt plagues me everyday for what I did and what I want to continue to do sometimes... is it a sin to fantasize about someone else? It's just so hard sometimes and I can't seem to get any feelings back for my husband we have a completely sexless marriage... I just feel that I am emotionally dead to everything... I miss the simple things that we never really had, kissing, hugging, loving, playfulness (not just sex) I thought marriage would change all that... It's the little things that seem to be important to me, but I can't let it go... btw my unattraction to my husband was bought about from his lack of affection and attention to me... It had nothing to do with physical appearance... I honestly didn't think that married couples kissed (maybe only b4 intimacy) until I spoke to my counselor and she told me "not true"... Then I opened up to a few friends as well and realized that that wasn't the case and that my husband cannot be there for me emotionally... Is it emotional abuse? I am not sure... I am not being physically abused or anything like that...

I have however felt very used in the past, like the only time I deserved attention/affection was in the bedroom... I just can't do it anymore... I am so tired of feeling bad about myself...

I continuously ask God for forgiveness especially when I think of leaving and how selfish I am - I should be so thankful for all of my blessings but why the pain everyday when I wake up and everynight when I go to bed??? I know this life here on earth is a short one compared to the everlasting kingdom of heaven... but, I still fall short and want my temporal needs met...

My children have now seemed to notice things (no kissing, or playfulness, romance etc...) Is this bad? Am I damaging them in other ways by staying around? Or am I doing my duty as a wife and mother and sticking this out for "them" and for the covenant I made in church on my wedding day... till death do us part I guess?

He is a good man, and father, he works very hard and long hours so I can stay home with my children which I am very appreciative of... Why do I have to be so unfullfilled - I have Christ in my life and my beautiful kids and family and shouldn't that be enough? Jeremiah 29:11 seems to pop into my head throughout the day... so I try to wait patiently... but it is tough?

I am seriously debating leaving my husband soon... I am so afraid of hurting the children and sad that my husband might be all alone (who will take care of him)... but I don't want to cheat on my husband again, and I don't know how long I can live this way? I want to do things the right way...

Help please, and pray for me? Thank you all so much!

2Confused

Please go see a counselor from church! Talk to someone. I will pray for you.

 

[FineLinen25]

First thing I want to say is I am sorry that you are in this marriage the way it is.
Men have a really hard time undersanding just how important those little hugs and kisses and sweet words mean.
Pray. Pray untill the LORD lets you know.
Second, I do not know if this is n option fr you, but maybe if you told him that you are having feelings of not wanting to be married, and feel that you are not being taken care of and it is driving you to leave, he may see the desperation you are feeling. I pray it gets better 4 u.

 

[2Confused]

Thank you so much for your prayers... Yes, I have seen 2 counselors regarding my problem one was a PhD (christian religion) whom I went to once a week... my husband came a few times, but was busy w/work to come often and honestly, I enjoyed seeing her alone so I could cry or talk about the affair so I wouldn't hurt my husband... she agreed w/me in the end that I was spinning my wheels seeing her and that it was up to my husband to do the changing or I do something about it... I have to make the choice to stay or leave and I'm scared!!!! The other counselor I saw for a while was an online counselor who was also a Stephen Minister at her church... she was wonderful and basically in the end we came to the same conclusion... I had to make a choice to stay or leave... and I did all and said all that I could to my husband... I have been doing this for over 7 years... (after the kids stopped being babies...) talking, begging, pleading... I get the same comments from him each time... "everything I do is for you and the kids, I love you guys and you're my whole world" "I will try to be more reasonable and give you some affection but you can't change me or my personality" sooooo I always forgive him and he will be better for about a week and then back to the same old person... I guess you can't change a person - he is right!

I just think that if I leave, I will hurt my children and break up their happy home... my husband and I are more like brother and sister - we argue over little things like normal people but we do not fight or abuse each other in any way... although, living w/out intimacy really puts a huge stress on the marriage... I do not mistreat him and he does not mistreat me w/the exception of his lack of attention and affection... but because of that stress we can both be snippy at times and I don't like it... plus the temptation becomes greater and greater and I don't want to fall again...

FYI, alot of this is my fault... I put my husband on a pedestal - always the good girlfriend at first and then wife... I never dated anyone else and we dated for 6 years before marriage... however, I just thought men were this way, and when I would mention that I would like some affection and that I NEEDED it... (explaing to him that thats how I work inside... I am very loving and touchy) he would use the excuse that he didn't like public displays of affection... I agreed there is a time and place for everything but what about when we're alone? A kiss in public is not an awful thing it shows your love for one another there is nothing wrong with that between a wife and husband... also, I was rejected many times in the bedroom - it was only on his terms when he wanted it... well, I just can't turn it on and off for him anymore... and now our marriage is in complete turmoil because I cheated... again my fault... I got a taste of what it felt like to feel so good and wonderful about myself with someone... and that affection was actually a good thing... holy endorphines - the kissing so wonderful and beautiful... but again, my fault for tasting the forbidden fruit... I think ignorance is bliss... I wonder sometimes if this is my punishment from God? I know it isn't but still I wonder...

I say it was my fault because I spoiled my husband... I still take care of him and cook and clean etc... do everything with the kids and the million other things a mom does... but I don't offer him the attention anymore in the physical sense - I don't sunggle anymore, or ask for hugs, or kiss him back when he offers his kiss on my forehead before work or when he comes home... I am too hurt inside to even go there... I am tired of feeling used... and just so you know I am not ugly if you were wondering lol - however, that took a few years for me to discover... and lots of coaxing and convincing from my friends lol... I am however, a normal 36 yr old woman wondering if she will ever feel loved the normal way and is doomed to spend the rest of her life feeling so desperately lonely and hurt inside from someone she cared so much for and can't do anything to save their marriage... In my book it is over already... it's been 3 years... I can't even find an ounce of attraction to him... actually it's been 17 years from when we met and 11 of marriage but the first 5 years of marriage were a blurr with having babies and no time for myself or even a moment to think! I get scared to even think about being alone with him... I am home with my kids and during the day everything is ok - he's not around, but when he's home that's when I'm most sad???? Obvioulsly because I feel the disconnection that I hate to feel...

My son comments on things now - I am too embarassed to even tell you but he says things out loud like "daddy isn't romantic" or like "daddy, kiss mommy" He being 8 knows what I need and kisses me all day long, he is so cute! He see's through me... we are alike and I thank God I have my little one to show me so much love all the time... He always tells me he is going to marry me and that there is no other woman for him... lol... (I joked and said to my husband once, "take notes") he ignored it and got mad... lol

I have had this battle with my husband since we were dating (goodnes, he was my first boyfriend) I didn't know any better I guess...

I am so sad at what I have become and what I did, I really really tried everything... I guess he just doesn't want to hear it... or is scared of me leaving so he ignores it... but he doesn't change... and I am so sad inside, I think this is what my children see... they notice things and I'm scared that if things never change... it will ruin them in the long run, however a broken home might be worse... I am so confused!!!!!

This is a never ending battle for me... Thank you all for your prayers - I would really appreciate some GOOD advice... I am so tired!!

 

[HisdaughterJen]

Should you stay or should you go appears to be the ultimate question.

Ask yourself, what would truly be different if you left?

Would your children still have a mom and a dad? Would they still be safe and cared for? Would they still go to school and to church? Could you still be a family even if mom and dad lived in different places? How is what they see now with dad at work all the time any different? Do you do stuff as a family now or is dad working all the time so there's no time for that?
Would you be willing to graciously include your ex-husband's new wife into your family, should that ever happen? Would he do the same for you?

People go through these situations...and it doesn't have to involve a divorce. It could be a job that takes one spouse away or death. Think of army wives or parents who work too much or work and go to school.

Yeah, your family is physically together right now, in that you all sleep under the same roof, but are you really together and functioning as the household that God intended? What do your kids see and understand? What are they learning?

1. Dad's are supposed to work all the time.
2. Mom's are supposed to be unloved and ignored by the Dad.
3. There's not supposed to be fun/love/romance/affection in a marriage.
4. People in a family are supposed to live as strangers under the same roof and not enjoy life.

 

[iambren]

My gosh, Jen, I really agree with your wise sucinct answer.

2Confused, it's uncanny but you and I have lived nearly the same life. Except I'm further along. First, is facing what is real guilt (yes, the affair) and then false guilt which would be if you honestly evaluated the situation and concluded that overall it was the best decision (or lesser of two evils)to leave. Abandonment is a valid reason scripturally for a divorce especially if he is an unbeliever or a believer that would not receive spiritual admonition from other believers.

I dated B for 5 years. It WAS affectionate, intimate, and prematurely sexual. We married and she pulled away, no kissing,touching, intimacy,snuggling, sex was a chore. We did bring 2 children into the world (miracle! I know the day they were conceived!). The sex/intimacy did put a strain on the marriage. I was soooo lonely to the core; I begged her to not reject me, that I was facing temptation. I too threw myself into parenthood but at year 7 I met a gal and started a love/sex relationship that lasted 3 years. Sound familiar. Felt like I was totally drinking her in just to hug her heart to heart, refreshing water in a desert. I finally terminated the affair after I had what most would say a breakdown. I then dealt with it in what I see as a more righteous way in that I seperated. We had gone to Christian professional counselors weekly forever and hit a wall like you did. I allowed some time for her to turn but ultimately divorced amiably. We both love our kids and want their best. We also have no ill-will toward the other. Do I still have feelings for her? Yes. Does it make me sad or angry sometimes? Yes Do I ever fight hope that it one day would all be put back together and home would be restored? Yes. But this is not likely.

I don't understand people like my ex and your husband. They can be very profficient in other areas of life but be heartless and cold in connecting with a mate. I asked--Why did you marry me? What's so bad-ugly-wrong with me that you can't love me?! And that eats at you, tears you down and then your not good for anyone.

I feel for you, it's a hard place. We wish that we had a Heavenly Father that swooped down and made it all right. Life would be so much easier that way. But often we have to toughen up, seek His wisdom,His peace and do the best we can with what we've been given amongst broken humanity, leaning on His grace. I WILL pray for you.

 

[2Confused]

Thank you Jen and Iambren for all of your imput and advice... I appreciate any advice from my brothers and sisters in Christ,

I just wrote you guys a very long response and the sight had me relog in and I lost everything...

To make a long story short, I spoke to my husband again on Sunday night

with much deliberation and crying I told him that if things didn't change I wanted to separate...

He was very sad, and cried... but he did tell me that he doesn't know why he can't be affectionate and love me the way I need... He said he just isn't built that way, I do know he loves and cares for us... he is not selfish that way, but in the "loving" department I can't seem to understand it... He is affectionate with the kids, so why not with me? I told him he needs to speak to someone about this and do all and try all before we decide to break up this marriage... I left the ball in his court...

I hope I am not being selfish by asking him to do the work now... I did however use this analagy to help him understand a bit better... I told him, "how do you expect a garden to grow and flourish if you don't water and nurture it?" Praying and hoping won't make the garden grow - it takes hard work and dedication... I proceeded to also tell him that if he put as much time into our marriage as he does work, maybe things would be better... I just hope and still believe in miracles that maybe if the garden isn't dead - it might come back if given the proper attention and nurturing...

I am trying to listen to God, but I feel that sometimes I am listening to my own will and not His, how do we determine this... why do I feel guilty for feeling this way all the time...

I was saddened when my husband and I spoke that he told me he can't kiss me the way I need and be affectionate with me... am I asking too much, by wanting to kiss, make love, have some passion and romance???? Maybe I am selfish... I don't know what a normal marriage is suppossed to be like... I know that marriage is tough and most couples go through their ups and downs and life is not a bowl of cherries everyday... but yet, didn't God give us our spouse to love and cherish and grow more in love with each other as the years go by... I thought it was suppossed to be that way... and yes, intimacy was the gift to make everything better and hold you two together?... the reward for marriage and all it's toughness?...

Maybe I am just naive and dumb, and I am to live like a nun until death do us part...

Thank you all for your prayers... I pray for all of you and all your wonderful and kind words, thank you so much!!

Selfish 2 Confused

 

[HisdaughterJen]

I've noticed that more than one woman has the same issue on these forums....married for about 15 or so years, in their 30's, wanting more attention but spouse isn't giving it/responding.
Maybe it has something to do with when women hit their sexual peak (mid-30's).

I would ask the same question...is it the woman's fault? Is she being selfish by wanting to have male attention, companionship, romance and love from her husband? Maybe that's why romance novels and soap operas are so popular....to help fulfill a need that women have and husbands no longer want to give.

Or is it that husbands get lazy, seeing that the "thrill of the hunt" is gone, knowing that he can have her anytime he wants, and knowing that she's not going anywhere (because of the kids) so why bother trying to "woo" her?

The problem is that there are plenty of men out there who are going through this with their wife but they are busy chasing other women. AND the wife, unbeknownst to the husband, is being pursued by men (who are ignoring their wives) in the same way he is pursuing other women (while ignoring his wife).

What a game!

Beware, 2Confused, I got the same song and dance from my husband that he just isn't "built that way" to be loving/touchy-feely with his wife. Wow, but he sure was "built that way" for several years when we were first dating/married. I'd get love notes, cards, flowers, dinner-dates, romance, jewelry, weekends full of touchy-feely, dancing in the living room, bubble baths together, picnics, etc. So, that's a line hiding his true feelings. It'd be easier if he just came out and said, "I don't love you anymore and I'm interested in someone else". I suspect you got the same romantic treatment from your husband in the beginning. What woman marries a cold fish?

What is worse is when his confusing disinterest turns to disdain and looks of disgust and horrid comments about you, then telling you "it's all in your head" and attempts to turn the problems around on you, as being all your fault. Then comes discovery of gifts and lunches and text messages with women at work...still telling you "it's all in your head" and "completely innocent". Then comes proof that he's lying to you about where he was and who he was with, even getting his "playmate" to lie directly to your face for him.

After that, you can't trust him ever again. You realize it wasn't all in your head and that he was indeed lying and treating you badly. He becomes disgusting to you and you don't care what he says or thinks...because you can't trust him and he manipulated you and caused you to lose faith in yourself with his "it's all in your head"/"it's just your hormones"/"you're crazy" comments. You can't trust him to ever truly love you, to tell you the truth, or even physically give yourself to him ever again. It will be officially over.

But, you've got kids together and people telling you that God hates divorce, that you'll ruin your kids if you leave, that you'll live in poverty if you leave, and it's all YOUR fault if you walk away, forgetting that HE is the one who left first (emotionally) and tore the family apart because he decided he preferred the company of other women over you.

 

[2Confused]

Jen,

It sounds like you have been through a very very tough time in your marriage, I am truly and deeply sorry for you... Are you with someone new, or have you repaired your broken marriage? I am curious to know if you did repair it, how?

I however, know for a fact my husband does not have a mistress, his mistress is his work! He has his own business, he is always there, never away... the only people that work there are his father, and a couple of part-timers (men only) He is married to that... I know he needs to be there and I don't complain, I do however wish he would not neglect my needs as his wife...

I am stuck at a cross-roads here, in answer to your question, yes I married a cold fish, I never had any of the romantic stuff... I can count on one hand probably... it is very sad actually and yes, my husband is really built this way... he admitted to me he can't give it to me... I do know however that even though he is built this way, he could give it to me if he wanted... I think it's a male ego selfish thing... it really saddens me that I treated him so well and couldn't get treated back the same way... "do unto other's as you would want done to you" right? It just didn't happen and he now misses me doting over him... I can't do it... I just can't! Yes, God does hate divorce!!! He is not cheating on me... I cheated on him, however I am angry today and very frustrated... I am sick of all this and just wish to live a normal healthy marriage without the frustration anymore... this is been going on since day one... and I think all I really know his dysfunction!!!

 

[HisdaughterJen]

Jen,

It sounds like you have been through a very very tough time in your marriage, I am truly and deeply sorry for you... Are you with someone new, or have you repaired your broken marriage? I am curious to know if you did repair it, how?

I however, know for a fact my husband does not have a mistress, his mistress is his work! He has his own business, he is always there, never away... the only people that work there are his father, and a couple of part-timers (men only) He is married to that... I know he needs to be there and I don't complain, I do however wish he would not neglect my needs as his wife...

I am stuck at a cross-roads here, in answer to your question, yes I married a cold fish, I never had any of the romantic stuff... I can count on one hand probably... it is very sad actually and yes, my husband is really built this way... he admitted to me he can't give it to me... I do know however that even though he is built this way, he could give it to me if he wanted... I think it's a male ego selfish thing... it really saddens me that I treated him so well and couldn't get treated back the same way... "do unto other's as you would want done to you" right? It just didn't happen and he now misses me doting over him... I can't do it... I just can't! Yes, God does hate divorce!!! He is not cheating on me... I cheated on him, however I am angry today and very frustrated... I am sick of all this and just wish to live a normal healthy marriage without the frustration anymore... this is been going on since day one... and I think all I really know his dysfunction!!!

Yeah, but my husband is now realizing what he's about to lose and is making feeble attempts (wilted flowers, some stems with no rose at the top from the grocery store for Mother's day. He said that's all they had left). But, I'm done. I could never be with him as his wife after what he's put me through. We're basically parental room-mates (with our own rooms) in the same house probably until I finish my degree and can stand on my own, supporting my children. So, he's got less than one year to try and fix this but I don't see how anything he could do would make a difference. Before I found out about his lying, I asked him to marry me again and he brushed me off. None of what has happened for the last two years+ has an easy fix.


But, enough about me. Yeah, if your husband was a "cold fish" when you married him and you knew that as you say, then expecting him to change and be warm and loving would be like asking a zebra to change his stripes.

I guess the only advice there could be is to talk it out, decide what you want and expect, understand what he wants expects and try to look 5, 10 or more years into the future. If what he expects is the wife to take care of the home, take care of the kids, and meet his needs, then you've got to decide if that's enough for you going forward, knowing that people don't change their personalities and some of your needs for an enduring emotional/physical connection may never be met by him.

Are you looking at years of disappointment and heartache or years of satisfaction and love? Are you looking at a few months of "I'll try to change for you" followed by a few years of "I can't change for you"?

As you've said, marriage is work and if one person refuses to do their part, even sabotaging the relationship, then what is to be done?

PS: No, I guess I've grown bitter...I'm not interested in anyone else, wondering if all men are the same and if anyone can be trusted, starting to think true love is a naive fairy tale, and that marriage is basically slavery (cook, clean, kids, sex & bring in more than half the income) and benefits only the man. So, take anything I say with a bit of salt and understanding where I'm coming from.

 

[JohnDB]

OK...time for a guy to step in here.

We love to work and provide for our families...it is part of our hardwiring...we can't change that.

But it is sooo easy to get caught up in day to day life working for them that we make it our priority instead of the one that we are married to.

So...

Take a vacation. You don't have to go to anyplace expensive or even far away.
You can take one at your own house if you can get grandparents or friends to help out for a week. And if you can get a "vacation" then play hard with each other...minature golf and go carts or whatever. Have the week full of fun stuff to do...even if it is just a Bar B Que in the park...with just him and you.

The spark will reignite. You married him for a reason...the same as he married you.

In today's world it takes a lot of effort on both parts just to exist as a family. Everyone is usually soo busy just taking care of the routine things that relationships get lost in the process. A prime example is your situation.

I am gonna reccomend trying again. You know what doesn't work so...try something different from a different angle. He is a good man and you are a good woman. There is no need for this relationship to end. Neither is being abusive towards the other intentionally. He needs you just as much as you him.

 

[TheFeth]

I agree with you John. However, there are people out there that are "just not that way". I am married to a smart, beautiful, dedicated, loving Mother to or kids, woman. Yet, she is not affectionate (kissing, hugging, touching, etc.) She and I have talked about this and her response is the same, "I am just not that way". (BTW – I am/have been in your stage 2Confused)

So, you really have to identify what is most important to you. Do you want one side more than the other? Do you really think everyone involved will be better off? Do you know that the Lord will agree with what you decide?

Also, don’t let the negative thoughts consume your every thought. If you do that, it just snowballs and they build on each other. Before you know it, the entire positive you had at one time is deep in the middle of that snowball. Just let it sit and melt for a little while.

I wouldn't recommend making any decision unless all parties agree.

My prayers involve you, 2Confused.

 

[dayknee]

I've noticed that more than one woman has the same issue on these forums....married for about 15 or so years, in their 30's, wanting more attention but spouse isn't giving it/responding.
Maybe it has something to do with when women hit their sexual peak (mid-30's).

I would ask the same question...is it the woman's fault? Is she being selfish by wanting to have male attention, companionship, romance and love from her husband? Maybe that's why romance novels and soap operas are so popular....to help fulfill a need that women have and husbands no longer want to give.

Or is it that husbands get lazy, seeing that the "thrill of the hunt" is gone, knowing that he can have her anytime he wants, and knowing that she's not going anywhere (because of the kids) so why bother trying to "woo" her?

The problem is that there are plenty of men out there who are going through this with their wife but they are busy chasing other women. AND the wife, unbeknownst to the husband, is being pursued by men (who are ignoring their wives) in the same way he is pursuing other women (while ignoring his wife).

What a game!

Beware, 2Confused, I got the same song and dance from my husband that he just isn't "built that way" to be loving/touchy-feely with his wife. Wow, but he sure was "built that way" for several years when we were first dating/married. I'd get love notes, cards, flowers, dinner-dates, romance, jewelry, weekends full of touchy-feely, dancing in the living room, bubble baths together, picnics, etc. So, that's a line hiding his true feelings. It'd be easier if he just came out and said, "I don't love you anymore and I'm interested in someone else". I suspect you got the same romantic treatment from your husband in the beginning. What woman marries a cold fish?

What is worse is when his confusing disinterest turns to disdain and looks of disgust and horrid comments about you, then telling you "it's all in your head" and attempts to turn the problems around on you, as being all your fault. Then comes discovery of gifts and lunches and text messages with women at work...still telling you "it's all in your head" and "completely innocent". Then comes proof that he's lying to you about where he was and who he was with, even getting his "playmate" to lie directly to your face for him.

After that, you can't trust him ever again. You realize it wasn't all in your head and that he was indeed lying and treating you badly. He becomes disgusting to you and you don't care what he says or thinks...because you can't trust him and he manipulated you and caused you to lose faith in yourself with his "it's all in your head"/"it's just your hormones"/"you're crazy" comments. You can't trust him to ever truly love you, to tell you the truth, or even physically give yourself to him ever again. It will be officially over.

But, you've got kids together and people telling you that God hates divorce, that you'll ruin your kids if you leave, that you'll live in poverty if you leave, and it's all YOUR fault if you walk away, forgetting that HE is the one who left first (emotionally) and tore the family apart because he decided he preferred the company of other women over you.

Exellent post! Just spot on!

 

[2Confused]

Well, I guess what I have to do is not become bitter, which I try desperately to try and do and undo often, of course being human we all get into our moments and frustration and anger seem to give way (Satan of course) and then this morning I read this:

Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. ( Colossians 3:13 *NKJV )

I just feel better and more soothed... My problem is not easily fixed, going on a vacation will NOT help, I have tried that... My husband proves to be in his own world, he is I guess you can say happy, content in his life... w/of course the exception of the non-intimacy we now share. He does now seem to miss me doting over him because he doesn't have it... I just NEVER had it, and to be quite honest, I don't think I can live without the love and affection... I NEED it! I really really do... even though he is a good man, we are completely disconnected from one another and I'm am sorry to say that if I left, he would really get a good kick swift in the butt, because another woman would not put up with this... He would have to give of himself, and he can't! He gives morsels of affection to keep me somewhat alive, but eventually you die when you are not being fed properly and I just can't seem to live without it...

God hates divorce!! What about the covenant of marriage that I took in church in front of God 11 years ago? For better or worse? I know my problems are nill to none compared to others, but feeling badly everyday and wanting more is no good either... AGAIN so confused... I just don't honestly know what to do anymore...

The impact of a broken home on a child is severe!! I have to decide if my happiness is really important...

Have I really forgiven him inside, yes somewhat, but does the mind ever forget - NO NO NO... it just doesn't and I don't have control over that. Now I know that forgiving another is hard for us to do at times, but when we remember how very much God has forgiven us, it becomes much less difficult to do. So I forgive... but then the pattern repeats itself as I'm neglected and feel so unloved...even though I know my husband cares for me, (I know it sounds confusing) but my husband is just being selfish and is that grounds for divorce? btw I am tempted to go off again, I am so weak and that frustrates me to no end, I hate being humanly weak... I would NEVER do it again, but am tempted at times to just go off and find someone to kiss (that sounds so pathetic)

I have to ask this question even though I don't want the answer... is it normal that my husband and I didn't kiss at all in our marriage... the only time we ever kissed was right before sex other wise he shooed me away! So many times I tried to sit on his lap and kiss him and tell him I wanted him and he would shoo me away... always pushing me aside... and when I spoke to him on Sunday, he told me again as I said, he isn't built that way! What the heck????????????? Is it me or HIM? Why am I being punished this way, and why isn't he being punished for neglect?

Again as I type this out, I know that we should: not returning
evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. ( 1 Peter 3:9 )

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. ( Ephesians 4:31-32 )

For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people." ( Hebrews 10:30 )

I have a little story to share with you all, and my counselor told me I have to let go of this, but I can't seem to let it go, it has cut me to the core and I am truly damaged because of it:

About 5 years ago my husband and I took a trip to Europe, alone! We went to visit reletives we were there for 17 days - I had made all the arrangements with family to take care of the kids etc... it was alot of work w/scheduling etc.. and I was really scared to leave my kids but I thought it would be good for us - seeing that we hadn't been on a vacation alone together since our honey moon 5 years prior... anyhow, in those 2 1/2 weeks, he NEVER once took me anywhere alone, we were always with family... I begged him to rent a car for a few ways to get away from relatives so we could be alone and "honeymoon" - he didn't! I can't even remember him kissing me there in all the beauty that Italy had to offer... I am still scarred from that trip and as I type this out - I am crying like a fool...

It is so hard for women, you can't get the courage to leave because you have no income - all I know is how to be a good housewife the past 11 years, I have no more experience even though I'm college educated and had a good career before marriage... it really stinks relying on a man to take care of you... I hate that!

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen. ( Revelations 22:21 )

 

[DZoolander]

I'm going to refrain from my natural inclination to start railing on young marriages again...

I dunno...your case is weird. Most of the time in cases like these - I think you can go down a natural order of likely causes and usually nail it. Is the guy suffering from ED, is the guy having an affair, are you two overly stressed, etc... However - it sounds like he's *always* been that way - which is a completely different ballgame.

What I *will* comment on as food for thought - however - is never underestimate the impact of your feelings toward him on his behavior. You have said quite a few times that you feel absolutely no attraction toward him whatsoever. Don't underestimate his ability to sense this - and to feel the underlying tension. As a guy - I would have no desire to kiss/cuddle with/show affection to - someone that felt absolutely no desire to be kissed/touched/cuddled with/etc.

Even if he were to want to work on it - are you coming across as a person that would be receptive to it?

Personally - I think these types of things become cyclical...and re-enforce themselves. He isn't an affectionate person - which makes you feel undesired and distant - which makes him less likely to want to try - which makes you even more distant - etc. Round and round it goes.

Can it be fixed? Who knows. However - as food for thought - I'd like to point out that there's an inherent contradiction between "I don't want to touch him" and "Why won't he touch me"

 

[HisdaughterJen]

2Confused, maybe the "swift kick in the butt" you mentioned is what he needs to wake up and start being the man you need him to be...if you still want him.

There should be lots of kissing and affection in marriage, in my opinion. And Italy is apparently a very romantic place. If he wasn't inspired to be romantic with you there, yeah...I'd be wondering what's wrong with him too.


To the men who've posted on this thread:

The suggestion is that men often become focused on their jobs/careers and come to think of their wives as "not a priority". Isn't this a form of abandonment?

What does the husband expect of his wife in this situation? Does he expect her to put things on hold until he can be available? Does he expect her to wait for him? Do you think this is what God intended?

Rest assured, gentlemen, that while you're busy and off doing other things which you value more than your wife and family, other men are hunting for a vulnerable female to give a little attention to so that they can have another notch in their bedpost.
And while you may be off at work, flirting and carrying on with other women, men just like you may be flirting and carrying on with your wife.

A woman needs attention, care, love, support, affection, and a man she can trust and depend on DAILY...until death. If a man can't offer and give that, they have no business being married to a woman.

 

[2Confused]

Everyone seems correct to a certain extent, yes it a viscious circle, I however told my husband this morning, the little times you want to hold my hand or snuggle w/me - I am unresponsive because I built my "wall" so I won't get hurt again... please understand where I am coming from - I don't mean to hurt you or be unresponsive... it is very difficult for me to let you in - in fear of being rejected again in the near future.

what he has to understand is that when a garden dies, hoping and praying won't make it come alive again... you would have to replanted, water, nurture, & prune the garden constantly giving it all your attention for a while... then he will finally see how it grows and is responsive to attention... God wants us to work at it, I have no doubt, my husband has just been too complacent for too long and he has to stop being selfish... I am a breath away from leaving, I am tired of crying and feeling so unhappy and yes... constantly guilty for feeling this way which I hate!

Jen, I don't know if not caring for your spouses needs is considered abandonment? I would appreciate some insight from someone... I guess we have to try our hardest to forgive and get stronger daily and toughen up to face what our future holds... I will continue to pray for you hun... I am sorry you are hurting and being hurt...

 

[razzelflabben]

am a married stay at home mother of 2 currently 36 years of age... I have been married for 11 years now, 3 years ago, I had an affair out of pure desperation - I know I was wrong and not even deserving of forgiveness... I continued my affair on and off for over 3 years as mostly friendship, and only seeing my "friend" about once a year intimately, just to satisfy the human need in me for a while... I know it was wrong... but I continue to think of how wonderful it felt to feel so good even for a short bit... My husband has never found out... We (my friend and I) stopped the intimate affair but are still friends, he as myself is in a sexless marriage, both of us unhappy but unwilling to ruin our childrens homes... but I however, am desperately lonely and depressed... I did everything I could, I went to counseling, spoke to my husband numerous times about what I needed in regards to having my needs met, and still nothing changed or has changed thus far... I am afraid that now in my life I have passed a point of no return and am completely and utterly unattracted to him because of the past... I tried very hard, obviously not hard enough I guess... Guilt plagues me everyday for what I did and what I want to continue to do sometimes... is it a sin to fantasize about someone else? It's just so hard sometimes and I can't seem to get any feelings back for my husband we have a completely sexless marriage... I just feel that I am emotionally dead to everything... I miss the simple things that we never really had, kissing, hugging, loving, playfulness (not just sex) I thought marriage would change all that... It's the little things that seem to be important to me, but I can't let it go... btw my unattraction to my husband was bought about from his lack of affection and attention to me... It had nothing to do with physical appearance... I honestly didn't think that married couples kissed (maybe only b4 intimacy) until I spoke to my counselor and she told me "not true"... Then I opened up to a few friends as well and realized that that wasn't the case and that my husband cannot be there for me emotionally... Is it emotional abuse? I am not sure... I am not being physically abused or anything like that...

I have however felt very used in the past, like the only time I deserved attention/affection was in the bedroom... I just can't do it anymore... I am so tired of feeling bad about myself...

I continuously ask God for forgiveness especially when I think of leaving and how selfish I am - I should be so thankful for all of my blessings but why the pain everyday when I wake up and everynight when I go to bed??? I know this life here on earth is a short one compared to the everlasting kingdom of heaven... but, I still fall short and want my temporal needs met...

maybe this is already stated, what what I have not yet seen in your post is someone who has fallen before a Holy God and ask what He would have....ask Him to fill you with the emotions, healing, Love, patience, peace, joy, etc. (fruit of the spirit) that He needs you to have to persevere until such time as He tells you what is next...I closest I can come if your asking for forgiveness which without doubt is important, but it is the power of the Holy Spirit within that allows us to do what we cannot do on our own....it is the power of the Holy Spirit within that allows us to feel, grow, persevere, love when the world says we can't....just a thought for what it's worth

My children have now seemed to notice things (no kissing, or playfulness, romance etc...) Is this bad? Am I damaging them in other ways by staying around? Or am I doing my duty as a wife and mother and sticking this out for "them" and for the covenant I made in church on my wedding day... till death do us part I guess?

He is a good man, and father, he works very hard and long hours so I can stay home with my children which I am very appreciative of... Why do I have to be so unfullfilled - I have Christ in my life and my beautiful kids and family and shouldn't that be enough? Jeremiah 29:11 seems to pop into my head throughout the day... so I try to wait patiently... but it is tough?

I am seriously debating leaving my husband soon... I am so afraid of hurting the children and sad that my husband might be all alone (who will take care of him)... but I don't want to cheat on my husband again, and I don't know how long I can live this way? I want to do things the right way...

Help please, and pray for me? Thank you all so much!

2Confused

May you find the strength that can only be found in our Lord, the grace to endure to the end, and the peace that all is in HIs capable hands.

 

[razzelflabben]

I feel compelled to say this as well, my husband and I hit a rough patch once, told him I was leaving till things changed, I ended up not having to leave and things are wonderful now, but had to ask the question, what would change if I left....both the good and bad of leaving...look at it this way, if you leave, what do you gain, what do you loose, how do you change? Will you be any less broken by the things you endure just because you are living in separate houses? Will the family be any less bruised, a lot of times we see, at least I'll be gone, at least it will be over, only to find out down the road that leaving didn't change what we wanted it to, there is still damage, still pain, still lessons for the kids that we don't want them to learn....the question is how will things change, will they change.....just a thought for what it's worth.

 

[HisdaughterJen]

Emotional abandonment:

The Devastating Effects of Emotional Abandonment - Associated Content

"A person who emotionally abandons a partner is often self absorbed. He simply does not see his partner's needs or wants. The world revolves around him, and unless his world is shaken in some way, he is unaffected. He does not even notice his partner's sadness, anger, or happiness. "


http://christianwomentoday.com/womenmen/abandonment.html

"It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages: “I feel distant from my spouse.” “I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.” “My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.” “I don’t know if I love him anymore.”

What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death."