Singles groups in church, any success?

[ThisIsMe123]

I was wondering, do any of you have any singles groups at your churches you attend in order to perhaps meet someone?
Have you ever attended any singles church groups?

Saw this Reddit post where this gent thought that dating within his church was overwhelmingly negative and there were talks about how singles rarely, if ever, come to church and it's mostly married couples. This is especially problematic with those singles in their mid-20s. Seems you'll rarely, if ever, see a single 20-something in a church.

To be honest, the American church does a horrible job at providing a place for single people to fellowship. Admittedly, my experience with dating within the church and within the Christian subculture has been overwhelmingly negative.

I’ve found that dating outside of the Christian Subculture is much better. Why? Because people are more accepting, and are kinder outside of the church. I’ve gone on dates and have had a great time but it didn’t lead anywhere or it wasn’t a match. We had a discussion, and boom we went our separate ways.

Of the last two women in the church I asked out for coffee: First one couldn’t see us getting married (got this via text message on my way to the coffee shop). Second one said that, after she said yes to coffee, she wanted me to take back my invite and ask her father for permission to court her before we could meet for coffee.

Here are some of my experiences:

• Was told by a pastor that single men in the church need to be “Marriage Ready” at all times. When I asked for clarification, it was explained to me that I should be ready to marry someone I’m dating within 3 months. That I need to own a house. That I needed to be ready financially before the first date for my future wife to not work and stay at home with the kids.
• Was asked to find another small group because I disagreed with the book study we were doing. A book study of I Kissed Dating Goodbye. This book study was 4 years ago. We had been discussing which book to cover, and I’d suggested that Joshua Harris was absolutely wrong and made the alternative suggestion of Boundaries in Dating. I was told via email that my disagreement was detrimental to the group. Side Note: The person who championed that book got married a year after this happened...and got divorced six months after that.
• Was told that single people don’t have families to take care of, so they should be the ones working hardest at the church because they don’t have anything else to do.
• was told by a singles group leader that Noah from The Notebook was the example of how a godly man should wait for his mate. They got mad when I pointed out that he wasn’t exactly celibate while he was waiting. They got really mad when I asked if that meant that they approved of men sleeping with the war widow down the street just because they were hard up.
• It was assumed that I only wanted to talk to other singles because I was just looking to hookup.
• a singles group leader once act shocked when someone said they thought I was good looking. Why? Because I was overweight and overweight men are ungodly because they’re slobs. Never mind my alway clean and orderly house, that the group leader had been to numerous times.
• Singles groups are overwhelmingly designed to help single people become married people.

All I want is a place to go where my marital status isn’t what defines who I am. Because it doesn’t. I want to go to church and have fellowship. I want to attend a small group that doesn’t feel like an informal version of speed dating. Is that too much to ask?

I had to chuckle at the bolded paragraph...I've experienced the same thing...I mean, you have to be seen as marriage material before even hitting the coffee shop? I mean...really? I'm sorry, there's no way of knowing unless you've spent SOME time together.

 

[dqhall]

I was wondering, do any of you have any singles groups at your churches you attend in order to perhaps meet someone?
Have you ever attended any singles church groups?

Saw this Reddit post where this gent thought that dating within his church was overwhelmingly negative and there were talks about how singles rarely, if ever, come to church and it's mostly married couples. This is especially problematic with those singles in their mid-20s. Seems you'll rarely, if ever, see a single 20-something in a church.

To be honest, the American church does a horrible job at providing a place for single people to fellowship. Admittedly, my experience with dating within the church and within the Christian subculture has been overwhelmingly negative.

I’ve found that dating outside of the Christian Subculture is much better. Why? Because people are more accepting, and are kinder outside of the church. I’ve gone on dates and have had a great time but it didn’t lead anywhere or it wasn’t a match. We had a discussion, and boom we went our separate ways.

Of the last two women in the church I asked out for coffee: First one couldn’t see us getting married (got this via text message on my way to the coffee shop). Second one said that, after she said yes to coffee, she wanted me to take back my invite and ask her father for permission to court her before we could meet for coffee.

Here are some of my experiences:

• Was told by a pastor that single men in the church need to be “Marriage Ready” at all times. When I asked for clarification, it was explained to me that I should be ready to marry someone I’m dating within 3 months. That I need to own a house. That I needed to be ready financially before the first date for my future wife to not work and stay at home with the kids.
• Was asked to find another small group because I disagreed with the book study we were doing. A book study of I Kissed Dating Goodbye. This book study was 4 years ago. We had been discussing which book to cover, and I’d suggested that Joshua Harris was absolutely wrong and made the alternative suggestion of Boundaries in Dating. I was told via email that my disagreement was detrimental to the group. Side Note: The person who championed that book got married a year after this happened...and got divorced six months after that.
• Was told that single people don’t have families to take care of, so they should be the ones working hardest at the church because they don’t have anything else to do.
• was told by a singles group leader that Noah from The Notebook was the example of how a godly man should wait for his mate. They got mad when I pointed out that he wasn’t exactly celibate while he was waiting. They got really mad when I asked if that meant that they approved of men sleeping with the war widow down the street just because they were hard up.
• It was assumed that I only wanted to talk to other singles because I was just looking to hookup.
• a singles group leader once act shocked when someone said they thought I was good looking. Why? Because I was overweight and overweight men are ungodly because they’re slobs. Never mind my alway clean and orderly house, that the group leader had been to numerous times.
• Singles groups are overwhelmingly designed to help single people become married people.

All I want is a place to go where my marital status isn’t what defines who I am. Because it doesn’t. I want to go to church and have fellowship. I want to attend a small group that doesn’t feel like an informal version of speed dating. Is that too much to ask?

I had to chuckle at the bolded paragraph...I've experienced the same thing...I mean, you have to be seen as marriage material before even hitting the coffee shop? I mean...really? I'm sorry, there's no way of knowing unless you've spent SOME time together.

A friend of mine attended a regional Catholic singles fellowship. She was middle aged at the time.

I attended a college and career fellowship in a Presbyterian church. They were singles until they started getting married, then they went to a couples or family group, if memory serves correct. They were mainly in their 20’s.

About being overweight, you might like an overweight woman… if fat is not cute, you might need weight loss counseling.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

A friend of mine attended a regional Catholic singles fellowship. She was middle aged at the time.

I attended a college and career fellowship in a Presbyterian church. They were singles until they started getting married, then they went to a couples or family group, if memory serves correct. They were mainly in their 20’s.

About being overweight, you might like an overweight woman… if fat is not cute, you might need weight loss counseling.

Yeah, I've dated overweight women myself. No biggie.

 

[SarahsKnight]

was told by a singles group leader that Noah from The Notebook was the example of how a godly man should wait for his mate. They got mad when I pointed out that he wasn’t exactly celibate while he was waiting. They got really mad when I asked if that meant that they approved of men sleeping with the war widow down the street just because they were hard up.

I don't think that either Noah or Allie were good role models to follow after when it comes to romance ... like, at all. I am definitely surprised to hear that this advice was given from what sounds very much like a traditional and conservative church culture.

I mean, Noah emotionally manipulates her into going out with him in the first place by feigning suicidal tendencies, there was a scene of domestic abuse (from Allie to Noah, actually) early on in their relationship, he was banging war widows while "waiting" for her if I recall correctly, and she straight up cheated on a fiance. .... These were not very good people and I strongly urge everyone seeing this not to imitate or follow their example in any way when you finally meet someone you are romantically interested in.

Gentlemen, please do not even jokingly place yourself in a precarious position on a moving ferris wheel and tell your crush that you'll jump if she doesn't agree to date you.

Ladies, please do not with a clear amount of physical force slap your man in a heated argument. Woman to man, man to woman, it doesn't matter. It's abuse.

 

[DragonFox91]

No. If it was that easy, none of us here would be single.

Every church singles group I've attended has ratios of 12-1 guys or so & the one girl is in a relationship.

It's sad, but that's just the way the world works.

I don't think that either Noah or Allie were good role models to follow after when it comes to romance ... like, at all. I am definitely surprised to hear that this advice was given from what sounds very much like a traditional and conservative church culture.

I mean, Noah emotionally manipulates her into going out with him in the first place by feigning suicidal tendencies, there was a scene of domestic abuse (from Allie to Noah, actually) early on in their relationship, he was banging war widows while "waiting" for her if I recall correctly, and she straight up cheated on a fiance. .... These were not very good people and I strongly urge everyone seeing this not to imitate or follow their example in any way when you finally meet someone you are romantically interested in.

Gentlemen, please do not even jokingly place yourself in a precarious position on a moving ferris wheel and tell your crush that you'll jump if she doesn't agree to date you.

Ladies, please do not with a clear amount of physical force slap your man in a heated argument. Woman to man, man to woman, it doesn't matter. It's abuse.

Unfortunately even a lot of fundamentalists don't care about that b/c 'everyone's doing it outside of marriage.' We saw the stats on it in another thread.

 

[com7fy8]

Saw this Reddit post where this gent thought that dating within his church was overwhelmingly negative and there were talks about how singles rarely, if ever, come to church and it's mostly married couples.

You can do well to share with married couples who are mature and doing well, so they can help you become able to do well in marriage.

Therefore what matters is if a church's couples include mature role models. And a qualified pastor can minister from experience, how to relate so we can do well in marriage. And God's word includes how to relate; and Biblical principles for how to relate as God's children can be the same as our rules for how to share in marriage.

And in church you can see which ladies relate like this, and are receiving Biblical correction so they grow in this.

So . . . then . . . we need to share with ones who are doing things God's way. Anyone can find people who aren't!

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Well, there has been a consensus of anecdotal experiences of single people trying to...fit in...at church. A lot singles group tend to peter out after a couple of years, or it gets competitive, or whatever. Most just come to church, and leave, no sense of belonging and with church saturated with married people, with kids, they stick to their own business after they leave the church doors and not open to socializing with singles...or much less even each other.

Singles are basically outcasts in their church communities, or so I've heard.

 

[com7fy8]

Most just come to church, and leave, no sense of belonging and with church saturated with married people, with kids, they stick to their own business after they leave the church doors and not open to socializing with singles...or much less even each other.

Jesus was single.

Paul was not married.

And Jesus and Paul did very well with married people and children.

Jesus has us loving others as ourselves; and Paul says if another person is blessed, we are blessed along with that one who is blessed because we are members of each other.

"If one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it." (1 Corinthians 12:26)

So, I can enjoy and thank God for how others are younger than I am and have marriages and children . . . as though it is I being so blessed as a member of them . . . if I care about them as myself . . . except I don't have to pay the bills

Singles are basically outcasts in their church communities, or so I've heard.

not in God's kingdom and His way of loving!

So, when a church person treats me like an outcast or misfit . . .

"And I will very gladly spend and be sent for your souls; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved." (2 Corinthians 12:15)

"bless those who curse you," Jesus says, in Matthew 5:44 and in Luke 6:28.

Yes, there are Satanic leaders and others in churches. Stand up to them, by being their example of how to love; be their best friend by being a real example so they can find out how to love. And as we do this with Jesus, we become able to discover and connect with others who are committed to unconditional loving; and so we become family with God's obedient children. And as we get into this family intimacy with various other children of God, now we are ready to connect with another who we belong with in marriage, if God wants this for us

 

[Sophrosyne]

My experience with my churches singles group was disappointing for sure. First off the "meeting" wasn't a meeting but rather just a separate church service for singles along with..... taking up an offering. I had already attended a regular service and gave an offering so I was a little miffed over that. There was really nothing in the service that centered around singles at all.... no interaction for singles and the only thing that was announced for singles beyond the rather bland service was a get together afterwards at some fast food place that wasn't cheap and was at 9pm at night when I don't typically eat even a light meal and trying to hang out and get to know people at a restaurant isn't my idea of social interaction and fun with strangers as you end up pinned where you sit at whatever table you are at. I basically decided the group was worthless for singles as I wasn't there as much to date women I was there to find friends to hang out with and would have been happy just to find a few single guys to do guy things with but the way things were set up it just made it hard to even try as most folks wanted to leave right after the service except those waning to be ministered to and I was not interested in going to an expensive fast food place at 9pm I was hoping to hang out with singles at church..... nope, didn't happen.

 

[bèlla]

I attended one briefly and moved away from singles activities a short time later. I went to small groups for couples (young and old) and enjoyed them. For the most part that still holds true. I like the balance and energy.

 

[Sketcher]

How recent was that Reddit post?

 

[ThisIsMe123]

My experience with my churches singles group was disappointing for sure. First off the "meeting" wasn't a meeting but rather just a separate church service for singles along with..... taking up an offering. I had already attended a regular service and gave an offering so I was a little miffed over that. There was really nothing in the service that centered around singles at all.... no interaction for singles and the only thing that was announced for singles beyond the rather bland service was a get together afterwards at some fast food place that wasn't cheap and was at 9pm at night when I don't typically eat even a light meal and trying to hang out and get to know people at a restaurant isn't my idea of social interaction and fun with strangers as you end up pinned where you sit at whatever table you are at. I basically decided the group was worthless for singles as I wasn't there as much to date women I was there to find friends to hang out with and would have been happy just to find a few single guys to do guy things with but the way things were set up it just made it hard to even try as most folks wanted to leave right after the service except those waning to be ministered to and I was not interested in going to an expensive fast food place at 9pm I was hoping to hang out with singles at church..... nope, didn't happen.

How recent was that Reddit post?

About a year old.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

My experience with my churches singles group was disappointing for sure. First off the "meeting" wasn't a meeting but rather just a separate church service for singles along with..... taking up an offering. I had already attended a regular service and gave an offering so I was a little miffed over that. There was really nothing in the service that centered around singles at all.... no interaction for singles and the only thing that was announced for singles beyond the rather bland service was a get together afterwards at some fast food place that wasn't cheap and was at 9pm at night when I don't typically eat even a light meal and trying to hang out and get to know people at a restaurant isn't my idea of social interaction and fun with strangers as you end up pinned where you sit at whatever table you are at. I basically decided the group was worthless for singles as I wasn't there as much to date women I was there to find friends to hang out with and would have been happy just to find a few single guys to do guy things with but the way things were set up it just made it hard to even try as most folks wanted to leave right after the service except those waning to be ministered to and I was not interested in going to an expensive fast food place at 9pm I was hoping to hang out with singles at church..... nope, didn't happen.

You mean, not even a Chili's or TGI Fridays? We're talking McDonalds? lol

 

[Sophrosyne]

You mean, not even a Chili's or TGI Fridays? We're talking McDonalds? lol

I don't remember what the place was..... I think it was some sort of fancy sandwich shop type outfit... bread something maybe?

 

[bèlla]

I don't remember what the place was..... I think it was some sort of fancy sandwich shop type outfit... bread something maybe?

Sounds like Panera.

 

[Sophrosyne]

Sounds like Panera.

I don't remember, it was something like 14 years ago? back when my hair was more than 2 colors.