Sexless marriage

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I was at home today, and I started thinking about sexless marriages. I thought I'd ask a few questions on here to get other's opinions.

1.Could you happily continue in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life?
2.What would be your suggestion for someone who finds themselves in such a marriage?
3.What would you do If your husband/wife said 'doesn't matter what you do/don't do – I just don't want sex' and didn't see an issue with this
4.Do you think a marriage can be 'whole' without sex involved?
5.Do you see sex as an integral part of marriage? Thereby, a marriage isn't 'whole' without it.
6.What would you say to a married person who told you 'Sex is not necessary in a marriage'

I'm just asking out of interest – there is quite a large discrepancy between my husbands and my drives, however not to the extent that I am destined for a sexless marriage or anything.

My personal opinion that there are various 'pillars' holding up a marriage. Sex is definitely one of these (with God as the centre pillar), so without it, things start getting pretty wobbly. And I don't think God created marriage with the idea that both partners act like 'roommates' to one another...

Sasch

 

[Ragedy]

My husband and I are going through this right now. Our relationship is a bit up and down outside of the bedroom. Then we get into the bedroom and he wants sex. I cannot do it. I think that there needs to be intimacy and romance outside of just the bedroom. Our drives are definitely off right now. We have sex about every three weeks or so right now. He has the feelings that we are just roommates right now. I feel that we need to repair some differences outside of the bedroom before it can all come together in the bedroom. I can say this.... I could not live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. We had such a vibrant sex life until just the past few months. I feel sex is an important part, but not the most important way to show your spouse that you love them. There needs to be more. Maybe my feelings come from being a woman. I want so much more spiritual connections then just the physical connections. Thanks for such a great post. It really hit a spot that I am dealing with right now. It is causing a riff in our marriage right now. Thanks!!

 

[invisiblebabe]

1.Could you happily continue in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life? Not unless I absolutely had to; ie, paralysis happened or something of that accord


2.What would be your suggestion for someone who finds themselves in such a marriage? Counseling


3.What would you do If your husband/wife said 'doesn't matter what you do/don't do – I just don't want sex' and didn't see an issue with this I'd suggest marital counseling for us, because the Bible says not to deprive your wife/husband

4.Do you think a marriage can be 'whole' without sex involved?
Again, depends on why sex wouldn't be involved.

5.Do you see sex as an integral part of marriage? Thereby, a marriage isn't 'whole' without it.
Well, I think that regardless of whether a marriage is consummated on the wedding night or a week after the wedding... the people are married from the time they say the vows. Marriage is, first and foremost, a covenant. If a lady marries a quadriplegic and he couldn't have sex, I would say they are no less married because of their circumstance. (also, I am equating your use of the word sex with intercourse. there are many ways to be sexual with one's spouse without having intercourse... so I'd say that if intercourse isn't physically possible, find something else that is)

However, if one/both in the marriage are deliberately denying themselves/the other person sex for an extended or indefinite period of time, I would say that yes, the marriage isn't complete

6.What would you say to a married person who told you 'Sex is not necessary in a marriage'
again, unless it was someone with a medical circumstance that made sex impossible... I'd say no, they're wrong

 

[Linnis]

I was at home today, and I started thinking about sexless marriages. I thought I'd ask a few questions on here to get other's opinions.

1.Could you happily continue in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life? I could be reasonably content but it would depend on the reason for the lack of sex. Is it because he just decided not to or is it a medical problem which can't be helpped.
2.What would be your suggestion for someone who finds themselves in such a marriage? Pray for both themselves and their spouse and that God might so the couple a way to a happy resolution to the problem.
3.What would you do If your husband/wife said 'doesn't matter what you do/don't do – I just don't want sex' and didn't see an issue with this I'd probably ask him if he was nuts.
4.Do you think a marriage can be 'whole' without sex involved? No, I think eventually other parts of the marriage would begin to suffer. I mean while sex is *only* one part of marriage, it would be the same as removing any other key part of marriage, eventaully the marriage would begin to suffer.
5.Do you see sex as an integral part of marriage? Thereby, a marriage isn't 'whole' without it. Yes. Why would God have saved this one act for marriage alone if it wasn't important.
6.What would you say to a married person who told you 'Sex is not necessary in a marriage' That they are wrong.



I believe removing sex is just as silly as saying "From this day on I will never speak to you again, but marriage can work without talking."

 

[Dr. Shon]

I agree with what the other ladies have stated. After being single for many years, I have recently decided that I want to get married again. While I'm not getting married just so I can have sex again, I do consider it a very important part of the relationship.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I just realised I need to clear something up.

I am talking about sexless in regards to ANY sexual play, and not because of depression/paraplegia/other medical issues.

I just know of a few marriages where one spouse is saying 'why do we need sex - I don't want it, I never will, and we can have a happy marriage without doing anything like that'.

Ones where it's a mindset, and the person has no inkling this is a 'wrong' mindset, and does not want it to change at all, and the other spouse is not on the same wavelength.

Sasch

 

[newyorknewyork]

I just realised I need to clear something up.

I am talking about sexless in regards to ANY sexual play, and not because of depression/paraplegia/other medical issues.

I just know of a few marriages where one spouse is saying 'why do we need sex - I don't want it, I never will, and we can have a happy marriage without doing anything like that'.

Ones where it's a mindset, and the person has no inkling this is a 'wrong' mindset, and does not want it to change at all, and the other spouse is not on the same wavelength.

Sasch

eek that would be tricky!

 

[philknowles]

Lately, Sex seems to be so complicated, that I'm learning to just not think about it. Lately, anything sex has been bugging me. I feel guilty everytime I have sex, and I feel bad when it comes into my mind.

 

[invisiblebabe]

I just realised I need to clear something up.

I am talking about sexless in regards to ANY sexual play, and not because of depression/paraplegia/other medical issues.

I just know of a few marriages where one spouse is saying 'why do we need sex - I don't want it, I never will, and we can have a happy marriage without doing anything like that'.

Ones where it's a mindset, and the person has no inkling this is a 'wrong' mindset, and does not want it to change at all, and the other spouse is not on the same wavelength.

Sasch

Hmmmm. Depends whether he felt this way before or some time after the wedding.

If before, I wouldn't have married him until we got counseling and got it straightened out

If after, I would hope that he would agree that his change of heart was hurting me, and that we would need to seek help.

 

[mlukas]

Lately, Sex seems to be so complicated, that I'm learning to just not think about it. Lately, anything sex has been bugging me. I feel guilty everytime I have sex, and I feel bad when it comes into my mind.

Why do you feel guilty? You're married, yes?
So what's the problem? I'm pretty sure God would approve of you not only having passionate sex with your wife but also thinking about passionate sex with your wife!
Biblical reference: Song of Solomon, Chapter 4. The last several verses-that's no literal fruit garden he's thinking about

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

I could not continue in a sexless marriage, unless it was because of medical reasons, where I had to, but that would be very, very hard.

 

[Leanna]

This is sort of one of those questions.... "could you still love and care for him if your husband became physically disabled?" "could you love and take care of your husband if he had early onset alzheimers?" ..... um, I'll know when I face that battle. Its never anything like you imagine, and its not anything I can predict my feelings on.

 

[YouthPastor]

is a sexless marriage a reason for a divorce?

 

[RoseofLima]

I lived in a sexless marriage for ten years. It is only in the last month that my whole life has radically changed. I have had sex more in the last month--than in the entire rest of my marriage combined!

I had talked about it over and over again--but my husband was really just unresponsive. So much were his wounds and defects--unacknowledged and unresolved.

Through a crisis of epic proportions... he has begun to see things differently.

It is soul sucking to live that way, and while I saw that I needed to be faithful to my vow..to love him regardless of his responsiveness...but the cost is high, very high...

Sexless marriage is bad, bad bad, and I would recommend bringing it out into the open before it just becomes the way things are....

 

[hidesertrat]

is a sexless marriage a reason for a divorce?

No.

I don't think anyone WANTS to live in a sexless marriage, but it does happen. My wife and I have not had sex for the past two years. Are we happy? No. We are working on it, but there is just so much going on in our lives that sex has seemed to take a back seat to it all. It shouldn't, but it has.

Everyone here has voiced the same responses, or close to it. Sex is an important component of marriage, it is the one thing that only a husband and wife should share together, with no one else.

In order to live a life time without sex, without any physical reasons, both parties would have to agree to living that way. If either one didn't agree, there would not be happiness in the marriage, but temptation to venture elsewhere.
Contrary to popular belief, sex for men is not just a physical release, there are emotions involved and can be just as emotionally satisfying as it can be for a women. So it is the emotional side of the marriage that would start to suffer first, than the physical contact, than everything starts to fall apart, making it harder to get back to the emotional state where you want to make love again.

Speaking for myself: We had a great sex life before and we will again. Divorce isn't an option, it is not the fix-all for a bad (unsatisfied) marriage, God is!

 

[Liselle]

Speaking from experience, sex is a vital part of marriage. My ex and I had that problem the last few months (maybe longer) in our marriage. It got to the point that he wouldn't even say I love you to me. Not only did it cause problems, it was a factor in our divorce. I had an affair immediately prior to divorcing. I needed something more than what I was getting at home. I think that's why the Bible says "Do not deprive one another." The physical aspect of sex is something that GOD himself created in us. The desire, the emotion and all of it. When it is withheld, yes, of course the grass looks greener. What you have to remember is that it isnt always...that greener looking lawn has just as many bugs as your own and it still needs frequent mowing, fertilizing and all that analogy stuff.

I am discovering that in my current relationship, sex is not as important to him as it is to me. Now isnt THAT a switch? I would like to think that I can handle this, that years down the road it won't matter, but the truth is....it DOES matter.

 

[ImaginaryVoyager]

1.Could you happily continue in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life?

Yes. I would be happier to have a vibrant sex-life, but I realize that's not going to happen. It's kind of tough, but you have to make the best of it. It is possible, I think

2.What would be your suggestion for someone who finds themselves in such a marriage?

I really don't know. At some point, you just have to deal with it. I don't think it's grounds for a divorce, so you'll have to learn to live without sex. I did it when I was single, so I guess I can do it if married.

3.What would you do If your husband/wife said 'doesn't matter what you do/don't do – I just don't want sex' and didn't see an issue with this

Nothing much you can do, except try, as lovingly as you can, point out their sin and continue to pray they would repent and decide to be obedient to God in this matter.

4.Do you think a marriage can be 'whole' without sex involved?

Not really. Something would definitely be missing. Q5 basically asks the same thing from a different angle so I'll skip that one.

6.What would you say to a married person who told you 'Sex is not necessary in a marriage'

I would say that would be correct as long as both partners feel the same way.

 

[trustgod]

I was at home today, and I started thinking about sexless marriages. I thought I'd ask a few questions on here to get other's opinions.

1.Could you happily continue in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life?

Unequivocably no.

2.What would be your suggestion for someone who finds themselves in such a marriage?

I'd rather not say.

3.What would you do If your husband/wife said 'doesn't matter what you do/don't do – I just don't want sex' and didn't see an issue with this

See #2.

4.Do you think a marriage can be 'whole' without sex involved?

Nope.

5.Do you see sex as an integral part of marriage? Thereby, a marriage isn't 'whole' without it.

Very much so.

6.What would you say to a married person who told you 'Sex is not necessary in a marriage'

I'd tell them their marriage won't last long.

My personal opinion that there are various 'pillars' holding up a marriage. Sex is definitely one of these (with God as the centre pillar), so without it, things start getting pretty wobbly. And I don't think God created marriage with the idea that both partners act like 'roommates' to one another...

That's where I'm at now. It's not pretty.

 

[NicelyAged]

An interesting topic.

1.Could you happily continue in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life?

** Could I be "happy". No. Does that mean I'd dump the marriage? I don't know. I don't think anyone can really answer that question unless they were faced with the situation to see what they would end up doing over time.

2.What would be your suggestion for someone who finds themselves in such a marriage?

** That's a tough one. It depends on the circumstances and several factors. Counselling may or may not help. There are things about a person that are changable and things that are not. A person's sexuality is extremely difficult to change.

3.What would you do If your husband/wife said 'doesn't matter what you do/don't do – I just don't want sex' and didn't see an issue with this

** I would consider that marital unfaithfullness and biblical grounds for divorce.

4.Do you think a marriage can be 'whole' without sex involved?

** Because of our fallen state, I don't think it's possible for a marriage to be "whole"

5.Do you see sex as an integral part of marriage? Thereby, a marriage isn't 'whole' without it.

** Sex is an integral part of the human experience. By it's nature, sex is an integral part of a marriage.

6.What would you say to a married person who told you 'Sex is not necessary in a marriage'

** I'd say they're not suited for marriage. Nothing wrong with that. Some people are suited for marriage, others are not.