Question about fighting in marriage

[Blaise N]

Hi everyone!

This is a short and simple question.For someone like me I hate arguing and belittling back and forth with someone.I hate it when someone is angry or upset with me.
I’ve grown up through my adolescence solemnly promising to love my future wife so much i wouldn’t want to hurt her emotionally,psychologically,spiritually,and/oe physically.

My father has always been a man with a temper,and as long as I can remember he has numerous times lost his temper,cussed,screamed,berated,and even broke things.He has made my mom cry a lot of times,but nothing ever physical or substance-induced

Being a guy seeing my own father upset my mother to the point she cries breaks my heart,so I told myself one day many years ago,I would “never even raise my voice at my wife ever for any reason”
I hate arguing and considering how much I wish to cherish my wife affectionately and passionately I don’t want to hurt or belittle her with arguing

Unfortunately all the sources I read stats healthy marriages have arguments or disagreements,and ones that don’t often end in divorce and I don’t want that.

What’s your perspectives everyone?

I dont like the idea of arguing with my beloved wife,but if my marriage in the future is to be healthy,do I have to have disagreements?

 

[AlexB23]

Hi everyone!

This is a short and simple question.For someone like me I hate arguing and belittling back and forth with someone.I hate it when someone is angry or upset with me.

I’ve grown up through my adolescence solemnly promising to love my future wife so much i wouldn’t want to hurt her emotionally,psychologically,spiritually,and/oe physically.

My father has always been a man with a temper,and as long as I can remember he has numerous times lost his temper,cussed,screamed,berated,and even broke things.He has made my mom cry a lot of times,but nothing ever physical or substance-induced

Being a guy seeing my own father upset my mother to the point she cries breaks my heart,so I told myself one day many years ago,I would “never even raise my voice at my wife ever for any reason”
I hate arguing and considering how much I wish to cherish my wife affectionately and passionately I don’t want to hurt or belittle her with arguing

Unfortunately all the sources I read stats healthy marriages have arguments or disagreements,and ones that don’t often end in divorce and I don’t want that.

What’s your perspectives everyone?

I dont like the idea of arguing with my beloved wife,but if my marriage in the future is to be healthy,do I have to have disagreements?

Can I plug this question into an AI? It is privately run on my computer's CPU, so it is safe. It can answer using a theological and psychological perspective.

 

[AlexB23]

Alright, here is what the AI said, @Blaise N :

From a theological perspective, arguments or disputes within a marriage are not ideal according to Christian teachings. In Mark 10:5-6, Jesus says, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh." This passage emphasizes unity in marriage rather than discord or disagreement.

From a psychological perspective, healthy arguments can help couples resolve conflicts and strengthen their relationship if handled constructively. However, it is essential to avoid resorting to belittling, shouting, or causing emotional harm as you mentioned. Communication, understanding, empathy, and compromise are crucial in maintaining a harmonious marital bond.

In the context of your personal history with your father's temperament, I would recommend practicing active listening, expressing yourself calmly, and being mindful not to escalate conflicts when they arise. You may find it helpful to seek counseling or guidance from religious leaders or mental health professionals to learn effective communication strategies for resolving disagreements without causing emotional harm.

Ultimately, a healthy marriage involves finding a balance between expressing your thoughts and feelings while maintaining harmony and love within the relationship. The key is not to avoid all arguments but rather to handle them in a way that promotes understanding, respect, and growth for both parties involved.

 

[Blaise N]

Alright, here is what the AI said, @Blaise N :

From a theological perspective, arguments or disputes within a marriage are not ideal according to Christian teachings. In Mark 10:5-6, Jesus says, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh." This passage emphasizes unity in marriage rather than discord or disagreement.

From a psychological perspective, healthy arguments can help couples resolve conflicts and strengthen their relationship if handled constructively. However, it is essential to avoid resorting to belittling, shouting, or causing emotional harm as you mentioned. Communication, understanding, empathy, and compromise are crucial in maintaining a harmonious marital bond.

In the context of your personal history with your father's temperament, I would recommend practicing active listening, expressing yourself calmly, and being mindful not to escalate conflicts when they arise. You may find it helpful to seek counseling or guidance from religious leaders or mental health professionals to learn effective communication strategies for resolving disagreements without causing emotional harm.

Ultimately, a healthy marriage involves finding a balance between expressing your thoughts and feelings while maintaining harmony and love within the relationship. The key is not to avoid all arguments but rather to handle them in a way that promotes understanding, respect, and growth for both parties involved.

Exactly,I have told myself I wouldn’t dare ever raise my voice at my wife for any reason no matter how upset or angry I may be.I would never want to hurt her or make her cry.

I’m just extremely sensitive to upsetting my wife in the future

 

[AlexB23]

Exactly,I have told myself I wouldn’t dare ever raise my voice at my wife for any reason no matter how upset or angry I may be.I would never want to hurt her or make her cry.

I’m just extremely sensitive to upsetting my wife in the future

Amen to that. You have good character. I would try to do the same, and be patient with her. So far, I have not yet met a partner.

 

[Richard T]

I like the scripture Iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another. Your ideals are good and I know that there are some relationships like that. Something just clicks and the mutual respect and love is high enough that there is no fighting. Where Iron sharpens iron comes in is that God puts us also in situations to make us better. Make us better might be to have thicker skin, to reduce anxiety, to learn to yield our preferences to others. You can't protect someone from crying, but it is good you care enough to try and not be selfish and say or do stupid things. I know a widowed woman who was terribly lonely. She begged God for a husband, but the reality was that the harder challenge was to overcome as a single. Now that she is overcoming that and becoming full with God, she is far much more likely to marry. So if you are in a rut with relationships, don't overthink them, just test the outer limits of your comfort zone and see where a "new song" takes you. A little fighting probably is going to happen. It is probably a good thing because someone dating can see the compassion (or the lack of it) and figure things out faster. I doubt there is any real hurry either, so take your time if you meet someone so you can be sure it is working and that is the kind of person you can't be without.

 

[timewerx]

Unfortunately all the sources I read stats healthy marriages have arguments or disagreements,and ones that don’t often end in divorce and I don’t want that.

What’s your perspectives everyone?

I dont like the idea of arguing with my beloved wife,but if my marriage in the future is to be healthy,do I have to have disagreements?

It's a fact of relationships, especially with the opposite sex.

The only ways to avoid disagreements is either you're going to agree with EVERYTHING your wife wants to do even if you hate it and even if it conflicts with your schedules.

That's unrealistic unless you don't have a mind of your own and prefers to have others decide or think everything for you which is not a healthy way to live. That's a sure way to kill neurons in your brain and devolve into something like a domesticated animal.

The other way to avoid disagreements is you ignore her, stop communicating altogether but this is far worse than the previous option.

Exactly,I have told myself I wouldn’t dare ever raise my voice at my wife for any reason no matter how upset or angry I may be.I would never want to hurt her or make her cry.

I’m just extremely sensitive to upsetting my wife in the future.

In theory.

Under all circumstances? Impossible.

Everyone has a breaking point where they lose their cool. We all have our "trigger factors".

You need to be able to deal with the guaranteed fact, we will all make mistakes in relationships, no one is perfect. You could even unintentionally repeat the mistakes your father did.

If you're unable to deal with your own mistakes in relationships, the big ones can traumatize you for life. If making mistakes scares you, then you may not be ready for relationships yet.

I'm not saying making mistakes is ok, especially the big ones. It's still utterly important to avoid making the big mistakes but if you do, you must be able to deal with it in a healthy manner because it's just a fact of life, it's unavoidable.