Pursuing a Man vs. Waiting to be Pursued

[Rose of Eden]

This topic's been on here before, I'm sure. But I'd really like to discuss it again.

I've always been in the "waiting for a man to pursue me" camp. But lately, I'm wondering if I've been doing it wrong all these years. My roommate met a guy at school last fall that she really, really liked. Whereas I would have talked to him, gotten to know him, been sweet and nice to him, and hoped for the best, she went hardcore chasing after him. She basically did everything short of actually asking him out herself. She flirted with him A LOT at every party and event, made it EXTREMELY OBVIOUS that she liked him, and had his friends repeatedly tell him that she was super into him. She did this for MONTHS. What happened? At first, he seemed disinterested, then he warmed up some, and now...apparently he really likes her now. He asked her out, then asked her to my school's Barrister's Ball, publicly exclaims his joy of being with her, and now pursues HER.

Have I been doing it wrong all these years? Maybe it is better to just go after a guy myself when I meet a great one that I really, really like. What do you all think? Is my roommate's approach the better way? Ladies, do you prefer going after a man you like or letting him do all of the pursuing? And gentlemen, how do you feel about this? Would you like a woman going after you the way my roommate went after her crush/new boyfriend? Would that make her more attractive to you or would that turn you off?

 

[Strider1002]

Sometimes guys need it spelled out for them. I know I usually do.

I don't mind a woman pursuing me, I kind of like it. I have nothing against doing the pursuing myself, it's just nice to know if I have a green light

 

[Hockey_Fan]

"Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me." (Ps. 56:1)

 

[redeemedbygrace24]

God brought Eve to Adam, so I prefer for the Lord to bring me to my Husband and let him be the pursurer

 

[redblue22]

I don't know if I've ever had to pursue. I mean, I've done it for fun or on behalf of someone, but not seriously too much. I mean, usually gils go after me. I wonder if I'm lazy? I don't know, I don't really like a girl who says stuff about tradition and me kissing her butt. Which is how I see it. Who wouldn't like to just sit back and be "courted" and have everything paid for and done for them? I think of the girl from Great Expectations who is all "you may kiss me." She can kiss it. I really don't care if a girl tells all her friends through the grapevine that she likes me. If that is being girly and what I'm expected as a man to take, then I have the gift of singleness.

Now, I have tried this whole pursuing thing. Like in early dating and when I first met Christians. No matter what she looks like, her background, her popularity or lack, etc--what I find is that the pursued woman likes to sit back and say things like, "I just can't decide on which guy I want" or she says to you "I'll think it over." Umm, no. She enjoys hitting guys with those silly rejections like "you're not spiritual enough" or "I need to guard my heart." And it is so ridiculous because you'll see her later with some guy who isn't even a believer after she trashed your faith. So most of my life it has been about a lot more than a green light. I want to be pursued. So, whereas with most relationships it is the guy who hits the gas and the girl hits the brake, for me it is generally the other way around. And I like it that way. I'll give her the green light. Maybe I'll let her know that I need to think about it. There's just too many choices and I can't make up my mind.

The funny thing is that growing up, when I tried pursuing girls, people always said that girls were being foolish and that the table would turn--at least for me. And here we are.

But I'll tell you a secret. Sometimes I like pursuing. Sometimes I fall in love and wouldn't mind being half a fool--so long as she is the other half fool. The problem is that the girl suddenly loses respect and takes it for granted the moment I do. She seems to think that suddenly she is going to be chased and I'm going to make a fool of myself. No. Have I been a sucker? Sure. Nothing like a little shame for buying someone's lies.

The weird part is when someone I return affection for turns me down after she's been pursuing me, I'm just happy she's gone. The saddest part is when some girl thinks I have this crush on her after she's gone. Delusional. I gave a girl flowers and she gave them back and thought I held some candle for her because we had kissed the night before. Oh, it hurt, but I was glad to be away from the witch. And sometimes you just gotta be rude to someone who is disrespectful but still wants you to chase after by telling them you want them to leave. You see, I'm generally attracted to those who are attracted to me. I'm not a "want what he can't have" kind of guy. If I have to chase, then goodbye. There's plenty of people who like me that aren't going to play that game.

And besides, this is what I'm good at. I'm not good at chasing. I don't know what I'm doing. But I try it every now and then. And girls are just rude. So, no. I'll take the nice ones. And some are nice girls, but there are those who telling everyone they are waiting to be asked out. Then some guy she isn't interested in asks her out. Instead of being nice, she is either a supreme jerk or she pretends to like him and talks behind his back. Some guys go away ashamed and never tell, but a lot of us get together and talk. So, if that is how you are, girls, we smart guys tell each other just what you did. And no amount of telling everyone you like Johnny is going to get him interested because he knows you were a heartless jerk to some friend of his. And if Johnny is that dumb or disloyal to his friend, then you probably deserve Johnny.

 

[Miss Spaulding]

"Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me." (Ps. 56:1)

Rofl. ...I could never use this as an example of my life.


You know, your friend's method of catching herself a man seems to be successful...but honestly, I really don't think that's the wisest way to go about things. But then again, I will fully admit that I am very 'old fashioned', if you will, about this sort of thing. Granted, I don't think there's anything wrong about a girl showing her interest because obviously you do want the guy to know that you do like them. Your friend's way is lacking in balance though, and I believe with that sort of method it's easy for the 'pursued' to find themselves attracted to an attraction and not the 'pursuer.'

If I'm going to pursue someone, it will ONLY be because I suspect the feelings are reciprocated. If there is no hint or suspicion that person I like is interested me, then chances are I won't pursue at all. I really would rather not look like a fool.

 

[Toro]

I think "pursuing" should be looked at like a relationship in itself. Give and take, you shouldn't be the one always giving, you shouldn't be the one always taking.

Don't settle into one role or the other. If you are drawn to a guy that comes to you. Show interest and accept him pursuing you. IF you are drawn to someone and he wont make a move, pursue. Unless you find he has a girlfriend, wife or has no interest.

Using "tricks" and methods used by others will only get you the types of people that are drawn to what your friends do (or whoever it is that you got the trick from) , not you yourself.

 

[Neve]

Makes me wonder if it would be terribly inappropriate to send a fb PM to my crush that says, "Over the summer while working with the now Mrs. W, I bought a gorgeous cocktail dress for the Barrister's Ball. I just want to let you know that this stunning cocktail dress exists. Thank you, Neve."

This post makes me wonder if just sitting and doing nothing will ensure that I'm forever single. After all, I don't think a man sits by a woman for two months for no reason. And I know that once I start working full-time the window for meeting someone closes significantly.

 

[Spunkn]

It's alright for the guy to do the majority of the chasing.....however, sometimes I think women take it a bit far and just stand back and do nothing. No indication that there's interest, no effort into at least trying to make the guy like you.

So there's a little bit of balance on both sides. Guys need some obvious hints sometimes, or indication that their efforts are doing something. If you make them chase you too much, they're just going to get frustrated and chase someone else

 

[MehGuy]

I thought women pursued men all the time. What is this the 1950s? If you like someone just go up and ask them. It shouldn't matter if you're a guy or a girl.

 

[Blank123]

I think "pursuing" should be looked at like a relationship in itself. Give and take, you shouldn't be the one always giving, you shouldn't be the one always taking.

Don't settle into one role or the other. If you are drawn to a guy that comes to you. Show interest and accept him pursuing you. IF you are drawn to someone and he wont make a move, pursue. Unless you find he has a girlfriend, wife or has no interest.

Using "tricks" and methods used by others will only get you the types of people that are drawn to what your friends do (or whoever it is that you got the trick from) , not you yourself.

I agree with this entirely. I won't be the one who always pursues a guy when I like him. Will I let him know I'm interested? Yes. but I think if I'm the one who is constantly running after him or he is the one constantly running after me then there's an imbalance. We need to meet eachother halfway.

Its the same as friendship, I think. You don't sit back and wait for someone to befriend you before you show interest in being friends with them. You actively show interest in spending time together and investing in one another. A romantic relationship takes it a step further, obviously.

But hey there's that saying, "Romance is friendship on fire."

 

[wannaberocker]

It depends on how much you like the guy.



If you really really like the guy, then id say man up and go for it. Whats the worse that could happen, he dosnt like ya back? oh well.



I say that because what your friend did can also come across as extremely needy and can make you look foolish.



Bottom line, if you really like the guy, then take the risk of looking foolish. If not then, no need to embarrass yourself for someone you dont even like that much.

 

[itdepends]

I've been married twice, I've dated pretty extensively, loved, and won, and lost, been chased and done the chasing ... and I'm only in my 30's lol. I'm in no way a serial dater or a person who purposefully bounces around, I take my relationships very seriously, sometimes to the extreme ... I've typically never had problems getting a date, however those life changing, committed relationships, are different from dating. As well as falling in love ... I've been blessed to have fallen head over heels, all in, chase-you-to-the-ends-of-the-earth-with-every-resource-I-have-even-if-it-leaves-me-heart-broken-and-destitute-in-love twice now. Here's my two cents:

When a man chases a woman, it can be positive in that it will show him the value of someone, believe it or not. It can show him what a treasure she is, what it might take to be in a committed relationship with her and if he really is going to cherish those aspects of her or not. It can make him feel as though he's risen above the others, and seen the diamond in the field for what it is ... and that it's for him, and no one else, and he can prove it through his actions and commitment. It will give him time to explore her, and dive deeply into the parts she wants to allow him to see, to see if he can be trusted or not. It can help her to have boundaries and areas she might not want him to cross, and to see if he can be trusted in those ways. However it can also do the opposite .... it can create a situation where he puts her on a pedistal, turns her into a trophy, an object, and someone he has to "win" by playing the game. And in the end, after he's "won" her, he comes back to reality, both are disappointed as the object of the game fades, and he either goes off looking for someone new to chase, or she no longer cares about him (if she's a "player" also of course).

Having said all of that, I've learned some of the most valuable lessons about people in my life by chasing a woman I cared about. That whole knight and princess dynamic ... there is a reason knights have to earn the right to be a knight, and princesses earn the right to be princesses lol

And when a woman chases a guy .... the first girl I fell in love with in my life, chased me. She chased me, into the depth of my heart, and it changed me forever. She was the first person who ever saw my heart the way it was, and awoke in me something that never went back to sleep: the love of a woman. Our relationship was so intense, too intense for her at our age. But the gift she gave to me ... it was the first time I ever felt love. Valued. Like I had actual value. Like someone could see treasure in me, and want to grab ahold of it for themselves. Wanted. Desired. To withhold that from a guy, that type of gift .... I wouldn't want to withhold that from someone. And I think when a woman has the desire to chase after a guy, she has the potential to give him such a gift. It will become clear rather quickly I think, if the guy is going to make use of that gift or treat it as though it's worthless to him. As for me, I've never treated it with contempt .... if someone was pursuing me, and I didn't feel the same in return, I understood that a heart was involved, and I cherished that heart even if I didn't feel the same way in return. That in and of itself was a gift as well.

The flipside to all of that is of course the "playa-game" dynamic again. If a girl is pursuing a guy because she's looking for another conquest and all, well that speaks for itself.

What I've noticed ... is that the chasing each other .... has been invaluable. But it doesn't last lol. At least not that I've seen. You learn, you experience, you love, you grow, but I've yet to see those really last longterm. Maybe it's my generation, or limited experience.

What I personally crave, is a woman who is unafraid to share herself, but knows her boundaries. She doesn't want me to chase her .... she's passed that. And I don't want her to chase me ... we aren't foxes and hounds. Equality, someone who doesn't hide the truth of her feelings. Someone that doesn't wait for me to perform, or I her. We both follow God, and our hearts, in simply honesty. No games, no "He better prove himself and follow the dating rules," etc. I want to know that we can survive life and death together, light and dark, sun and rain, etc ... because if they don't have the courage to be honest with me about their feelings, then how are they going to have the courage to go out and save the world with me lol ? And if I have to succeed at passing certain tests before I've ever met them, then how are we going to pass the extreme tests together from the rest of the world ? I don't want to do that to someone, and I don't want it done to me any longer either.

There's my two cents lol ...

 

[Rose of Eden]

This post makes me wonder if just sitting and doing nothing will ensure that I'm forever single. After all, I don't think a man sits by a woman for two months for no reason. And I know that once I start working full-time the window for meeting someone closes significantly.

That's what I'm starting to fear. Because the thing is, guys rarely ever pursue me or show any kind of interest in me. I'm not one of those women who has men chasing after her left and right who just toys with those men. It's like, once every couple years where a man actually shows an interest in me and pursues me. I tend to take a man pursuing me very seriously because one, I actually have respect for other people, and two, it happens so rarely.

Sometimes guys need it spelled out for them. I know I usually do.

I don't mind a woman pursuing me, I kind of like it. I have nothing against doing the pursuing myself, it's just nice to know if I have a green light

I think "pursuing" should be looked at like a relationship in itself. Give and take, you shouldn't be the one always giving, you shouldn't be the one always taking.

Don't settle into one role or the other. If you are drawn to a guy that comes to you. Show interest and accept him pursuing you. IF you are drawn to someone and he wont make a move, pursue. Unless you find he has a girlfriend, wife or has no interest.

Using "tricks" and methods used by others will only get you the types of people that are drawn to what your friends do (or whoever it is that you got the trick from) , not you yourself.

It's alright for the guy to do the majority of the chasing.....however, sometimes I think women take it a bit far and just stand back and do nothing. No indication that there's interest, no effort into at least trying to make the guy like you.

So there's a little bit of balance on both sides. Guys need some obvious hints sometimes, or indication that their efforts are doing something. If you make them chase you too much, they're just going to get frustrated and chase someone else

I agree with this entirely. I won't be the one who always pursues a guy when I like him. Will I let him know I'm interested? Yes. but I think if I'm the one who is constantly running after him or he is the one constantly running after me then there's an imbalance. We need to meet eachother halfway.

Its the same as friendship, I think. You don't sit back and wait for someone to befriend you before you show interest in being friends with them. You actively show interest in spending time together and investing in one another. A romantic relationship takes it a step further, obviously.

But hey there's that saying, "Romance is friendship on fire."

Maybe I just need more of a balance? Like something in between my way and my roommate's approach? Maybe I don't do enough to give a green light?

But then again, most men don't even notice me in the first place. I'm just invisible. They never see me or think of me as anything more than an acquaintance or friend. So it's not like he's liked me all this time and just didn't think I was interested. And I wouldn't want him to just be interested because he thinks I'll be an easy girlfriend who will do all of the work in the relationship. I dunno...

 

[Spunkn]

You don't have to go head over heels after a guy...but you do need to give him some indication.

Smile at him a lot. Once in a while, go over to him and talk to him about something. Doesn't have to be anything specific, just start a random conversation.

Be creative. At the bible college I went to, we often played sand volleyball. There was a girl who was interested in me, so she'd joke with me all the time when we were both on the front lines next to the net. Or she'd playfully kick sand at me when I wasn't looking. Or we'd go to the lake, or a pool, and she'd to her best to try and dunk me...which never seemed to work out real well for her...but still, it got my attention.

Just things that are playful, and get the other person's attention, but not so far as to make it blatantly obvious 24/7.

 

[Elliewaves]

I don't think a girl has to throw herself at a guy to let him know she is interested. For either gender; someone hotly pursuing them can be a big turn off; especially if they aren't interested in the first place. It can come off as desperate rather than sweet. I think it's fine to let someone know that you are interested; even bluntly so. It has to be done with finesse; you can't force anyone to like you in that way.

Really for either gender

 

[redblue22]

mehguy, I like that. I'm a human being. treat me like one. I'm not a gameskeeper.

btw, over the summer I did buy this gorgeous little cocktail dress and if some girl is interested, I just want you to know this dress exists. (and sorry, it is my size. get your own dress)

-------------------

edit:

I feel for girls and guys who say they haven't been asked out in a long time. But I was thinking about this a bit. There are nice people who really aren't sure what to do, lack social skills, are afraid, are unrealistic, and I feel for all of that. I just wanted to share my experience.

I used to hear this from girls and guys a lot and I really felt for them. I thought they might be nice people and so I would say something about asking them out. Often when I showed the slightest interest, those who had just talked about how no one asked them out would slam me with some horrible mean rejection that really seemed preplanned. Sometimes they went on one date and hit you with it. I fell for the bait a lot at one time. It was like they had been rejected and so they were just waiting for a target. So, when I hear that said now I think no way.

On behalf of the very few who were nice that said such things, it took a bit of work with them. I wouldn't say I was pursuing, I was just giving them a chance. And if things didn't work out with us, I might tell someone else how nice she was. But even though I asked the girl out without even dropping hints, they often just couldn't believe I was showing interest. One girl required my friends to stand there and flat out say, "Look, he asked for your number. He's asking you on a date. Do you want to go?" I didn't feel sorry for anyone, I just give some people a chance.

The other thought is that when I hear guys and girls say how no one shows interest, I think of guys who used to talk to me about how they weren't really interested in girls that other guys were interested in. They really only took interest in girls that other guys liked. Those guys are worth avoiding anyway though, so sharing your experience is a good way to keep these jerks away.

Is it the fault of people who remain dateless? Not at all. And I so encourage all people to share experiences and pain. But if someone does come along that shows interest but then we aren't interested in for whatever reason--we don't like their looks or they are weird or whatever--I would encourage all to be careful not to take out their own rejection on this person as a target. And if being kind isn't enough, I would also say that word gets around what we do even to the person we judge even the most insignificant. But then I think you get what you deserve if you do that.

 

[Rose of Eden]

It depends on how much you like the guy.



If you really really like the guy, then id say man up and go for it. Whats the worse that could happen, he dosnt like ya back? oh well.



I say that because what your friend did can also come across as extremely needy and can make you look foolish.



Bottom line, if you really like the guy, then take the risk of looking foolish. If not then, no need to embarrass yourself for someone you dont even like that much.

Problem is it takes a lot for me to decide if I really like a guy. I have to know him pretty well to even make that decision. Puts me in a pickle.

What I personally crave, is a woman who is unafraid to share herself, but knows her boundaries. She doesn't want me to chase her .... she's passed that. And I don't want her to chase me ... we aren't foxes and hounds. Equality, someone who doesn't hide the truth of her feelings. Someone that doesn't wait for me to perform, or I her. We both follow God, and our hearts, in simply honesty. No games, no "He better prove himself and follow the dating rules," etc. I want to know that we can survive life and death together, light and dark, sun and rain, etc ... because if they don't have the courage to be honest with me about their feelings, then how are they going to have the courage to go out and save the world with me lol ? And if I have to succeed at passing certain tests before I've ever met them, then how are we going to pass the extreme tests together from the rest of the world ? I don't want to do that to someone, and I don't want it done to me any longer either.

There's my two cents lol ...

Well, I'll never live up to that standard. Kind of like how all men only want "confident women" and are tired of "insecure women." Right. Well, I'm not confident and extremely insecure. Nothing I do seems to change that, even giving it to God. It's gotten better, but I'm never going to be confident and secure. So if I actually want a man to like me, I have to pretend to be confident and secure, pretend to be a certain way. But I get tired of acting and then he only loves the "fake me," so it's a catch 22.

You don't have to go head over heels after a guy...but you do need to give him some indication.

Smile at him a lot. Once in a while, go over to him and talk to him about something. Doesn't have to be anything specific, just start a random conversation.

Be creative. At the bible college I went to, we often played sand volleyball. There was a girl who was interested in me, so she'd joke with me all the time when we were both on the front lines next to the net. Or she'd playfully kick sand at me when I wasn't looking. Or we'd go to the lake, or a pool, and she'd to her best to try and dunk me...which never seemed to work out real well for her...but still, it got my attention.

Just things that are playful, and get the other person's attention, but not so far as to make it blatantly obvious 24/7.

The smiling, talking, random conversations, etc...I already do stuff like that. Gets me nowhere. I do more obvious flirting like your sand-kicking example only when I feel more comfortable around a guy, which means I have to have gotten to know him a little bit, which means he has to have noticed me, which means I have to done something to have caught his attention like obvious flirting...and I'm in the same pickle I explained above.


So it seems the only way a man even notices a woman is if she flirts with him constantly in a blatant and obvious fashion...or if she just straight up tells him. Since I'm not comfortable at all doing any of that when I barely know a guy, I guess the best thing to do would be to fake it and just act?

 

[.Mikha'el.]

This topic's been on here before, I'm sure. But I'd really like to discuss it again.

I've always been in the "waiting for a man to pursue me" camp. But lately, I'm wondering if I've been doing it wrong all these years. My roommate met a guy at school last fall that she really, really liked. Whereas I would have talked to him, gotten to know him, been sweet and nice to him, and hoped for the best, she went hardcore chasing after him. She basically did everything short of actually asking him out herself. She flirted with him A LOT at every party and event, made it EXTREMELY OBVIOUS that she liked him, and had his friends repeatedly tell him that she was super into him. She did this for MONTHS. What happened? At first, he seemed disinterested, then he warmed up some, and now...apparently he really likes her now. He asked her out, then asked her to my school's Barrister's Ball, publicly exclaims his joy of being with her, and now pursues HER.

Have I been doing it wrong all these years? Maybe it is better to just go after a guy myself when I meet a great one that I really, really like. What do you all think? Is my roommate's approach the better way? Ladies, do you prefer going after a man you like or letting him do all of the pursuing? And gentlemen, how do you feel about this? Would you like a woman going after you the way my roommate went after her crush/new boyfriend? Would that make her more attractive to you or would that turn you off?

I'm of the opinion that the interested party is the one who should do the pursuing.

 

[anewday]

I prefer being persued. What I mean by this is if a guy has an interest in me, he asks me out, no matter how much or little he knows me. If I'm interested, I'll say yes. If I'm really interested in him, I may even suggest the next date. Persuing to me isn't about chasing and being chased. Its about showing interest and hoping that interest is returned. If I go out of my way to spend time with a guy, that would be my way of persuing him. Life is too short to play the chase game, in my opinion.