Pre-Marital Intimacy in Christian Dating

[Zatek]

I've been thinking a lot about what intimacy is and how it is more than just sex. Different levels and forms of intimacy exist in all relationships, business, friendship, mentoring, dating, marriage, etc, and is developed in different ways, physical touching, conversation, work, play, etc. I'm confused\unsure what a proper level of intimacy is in Christian dating.

I grew up in a family where my dad and mom rarely touched each other. Most nights the didn't even sleep in the same room together. As a result I had no idea how to treat a woman romantically and never dated until 25. I went online in search of answers, but most of it was non-Christian so while I have had a lot more success with women I still don't really know what dating in a Christian context looks like.

I am waiting until marriage and I have been doing my best to find women who wants the same. Sex is an easy thing to cross off as not part of Christian dating, but intimacy is still important in a relationship, a romantic one especially, so questions of when I should kiss her, when should we talk about physical boundaries, talk about life goals like how many kids, ministry work, and other similar questions I'm just not sure about.

Non-Christian dating source almost exclusively focus on using physical means to create intimacy. Kissing on the first date and sex by the second or third. Obviously that does not work with Christian morals and, while their may be some physical intimacy before marriage (touching, hand holding, kissing, hugs), the intimacy must come primarily from non-physical means I guess? Which does make sense, I know I feel a sense of closeness to people when in church even if I've never met them before because we have that connection through Christ. I'm just unsure how that plays out in a dating setting.

But anyway, I've rambled on enough. For those of you who are in marriages, engaged, or in serious relationships without pre-marital sex how did you go creating intimacy between the two of you? Were the first several dates nothing but "having fun" and not much serious talk about things like Christian morals and life goals, or were those things something you discussed on the first or second date? I suppose it has a lot to do with whether or not your had known each other though church or friends a long time before dating, or whether your first date was the first or second time your met maybe?

Any advice is appreciated, thanks!

 

[com7fy8]

But anyway, I've rambled on enough. For those of you who are in marriages, engaged, or in serious relationships without pre-marital sex how did you go creating intimacy between the two of you? Were the first several dates nothing but "having fun" and not much serious talk about things like Christian morals and life goals, or were those things something you discussed on the first or second date? I suppose it has a lot to do with whether or not your had known each other though church or friends a long time before dating, or whether your first date was the first or second time your met maybe?

I used to get with one woman for a date and we spent time only with each other. But I was such that I did not get into immorality. But I was just using women so that by dating them I could tell myself I was a normal and sociable man

What I think I have seen is how certain people get isolated with each other, then get into their whatever of falling in love and/or into immorality, then maybe they will ambush everyone with their engagement which hardly anyone had a clue was coming, and they expect to have this accepted . . . by people who have not even shared with them and in their relationship, and have had not opportunity to help them grow in Jesus and evaluate God's will for them. And after their pronouncement they continue in their isolation way, however it works out.

So, I think it is good to spend time with someone of interest . . . in sharing with others who are friends who help you grow in Jesus with each other and everyone else. Plus, make sure you spend time with more mature people, so you can feed on their example and grow as family in Jesus and not only develop in isolation with each other. We are members of each other, in Jesus; so singles and couples need others who are maturing Christians so we help one another grow in Christ and learn how to relate in God's love which is gentle and humble > Ephesians 4:2, Matthew 11:28-30 > and makes us more and more intimate with all our others who are growing in Jesus family love

Now, can I see I have really done this? We can pray and evaluate what I will offer of my experience, and know we need our different people whom God trusts to help us.

In my case, I have fallen in love with a string of ladies. And the Christian ones all helped me, somehow; because a real child of God . . . any child of God . . . can be used by God to help you grow in Jesus and get more real in how God wants us to love and relate with each and every person . . . submitting to how God has us relating with each one, and discerning if and how to trust and be closely involved with each one < if we should trust someone, I say, and how God has chosen for each person to be trusted. So, relating needs to be prayerful.

I really crushed and crashed for a lady in my church, but then I realized she was always Net shopping for a man, or had a guy more or less behind the scenes with her. But she kept moving on to someone else, and it never was me. As I got the drift of this, I also realized my interest for her was a toys for boys thing, and I needed to put childish things and interested behind > 1 Corinthians 13:11.

And as I got more into not caring about toys for boys stuff, then was when I met my lady friend. I see how my real deep correction was worked by God together with how He really wished to bless me

For a year, she and I saw one another in church and in an evening group. I got more and more interested in her, but I did not try to get her to consider romance and dating. I appreciated her enough so I was willing to share a moment here and there and that would be good This approach came from my feeding on "be content with such things as you have" > in Hebrews 13:5 < I took this to mean I should be content with much or little time spent with my special people.

But little things added up We visited her family and we got more affectionate, but I keep appreciating and feeding on how she is good for me in many ways, to help me get real as a man and learn to love her in a close involvement, so I am not trying to push for what I want and I am not trying to control her to do things the way I think is smart and practical. And while I might try to correct her about how she washes the dishes . . . or when . . . or if she washes the dishes . . . she is correcting me about not being compassionate and about how I am getting paranoid about some situation. So, she is helping me get more real in love, while I am trying to merely control her, in picky prim and proper preppie poopy ways.

So, this has helped a lot . . . to have real correction with a lady friend. She can freely receive how I offer correction, but give feedback about however correction is not really needed. But this comes with smiles and laughs and hugs and kisses. Often enough, we have had certain things out, with lips to lips and more and more laughing. And I praise her about how she is such a good example for me, of being compassionate and tenderly caring for people. I notice how she can be displeased about someone, but she is not trashing the person but caring about what really is wrong.

So, I would suggest that you see who is deeply ministering you to be more real with God and helping you with their example of how to love in relating with any and all people, but indeed how with our Jesus family we all grow in intimacy of goodness of joy and caring and real correction which brings us more into intimacy with God and submission to how God rules us in His own peace > Colossians 3:15.

And you should see yourself growing in how you minister for her to grow in Jesus . . . but, I say, in sharing with role model people and couples. And enjoy how God leads you and has things work

 

[Kit Sigmon]

I've been thinking a lot about what intimacy is and how it is more than just sex. Different levels and forms of intimacy exist in all relationships, business, friendship, mentoring, dating, marriage, etc, and is developed in different ways, physical touching, conversation, work, play, etc. I'm confused\unsure what a proper level of intimacy is in Christian dating.

I grew up in a family where my dad and mom rarely touched each other. Most nights the didn't even sleep in the same room together. As a result I had no idea how to treat a woman romantically and never dated until 25. I went online in search of answers, but most of it was non-Christian so while I have had a lot more success with women I still don't really know what dating in a Christian context looks like.

I am waiting until marriage and I have been doing my best to find women who wants the same. Sex is an easy thing to cross off as not part of Christian dating, but intimacy is still important in a relationship, a romantic one especially, so questions of when I should kiss her, when should we talk about physical boundaries, talk about life goals like how many kids, ministry work, and other similar questions I'm just not sure about.

Kissing? usually the mood/setting is right...you're close to one another and you sense and or feel the same closeness and you kiss. Some guys kiss on the check
or kiss the the girl's hand before just going for a lip-lock.
You can gauge the girl's reaction, if she's not showing she like it or draws away...don't go any further.
Now if she's receptive, ease into the actual lip-lock... but if you feel resistance
or hesitancy from her stop what you are doing...apologize, talk about
the situation...be understanding.



Non-Christian dating source almost exclusively focus on using physical means to create intimacy. Kissing on the first date and sex by the second or third. Obviously that does not work with Christian morals and, while their may be some physical intimacy before marriage (touching, hand holding, kissing, hugs), the intimacy must come primarily from non-physical means I guess? Which does make sense, I know I feel a sense of closeness to people when in church even if I've never met them before because we have that connection through Christ. I'm just unsure how that plays out in a dating setting.

Well touching can go on during all dates...such as when you go open the door for the young lady, offer your hand and assist her to get in/out of the car for example.
Offering your hand or arm when going up/down stairs, take her hand when praying over your meals/or just praying for one another and others.

Intimacy in conversation...expressing caring, concern and affirmation, interest etc.


But anyway, I've rambled on enough. For those of you who are in marriages, engaged, or in serious relationships without pre-marital sex how did you go creating intimacy between the two of you? Were the first several dates nothing but "having fun" and not much serious talk about things like Christian morals and life goals, or were those things something you discussed on the first or second date? I suppose it has a lot to do with whether or not your had known each other though church or friends a long time before dating, or whether your first date was the first or second time your met maybe?

Any advice is appreciated, thanks!

Creating intimacy happened early on...in language/communication since we weren't in the same state. We talked/chatted and emailed lots.
After a month or so of that we decided to meet in person and I stayed a week
in his town/state.

Our first date involved some site seeing and then grocery shopping and preparing our meal together in his home...creating a intimacy
and seeing how we'd work together.
Next date was meeting his parents and having a meal in their home...and we
answered many questions from them.
Another date involved meeting his friends and attending church and praying
together.
What won me over was what he did early on...he was firmly rooted in the faith, courteous...holding the door for me, helping me in and out of the car; honest...
providing divorce documents and financial statements...both of us had been
in marriages to spouses who lied, cheated and refused to give up their other love
interest(s)...divorce happened.
We knew what we wanted and were determined not to go blindly into another
marriage without us both being transparent about the things that mattered
most to us.

 

[Paidiske]

For my husband and I, we created intimacy in a way I don't really recommend... after we'd been dating a month or so I got very sick. As in, bed-ridden for months very sick.

But while the sickness part I don't recommend, it was that time that actually showed me how wonderful he is. He would do my grocery shopping. He would forego fun time with friends to sit beside me (when I was tired, grumpy, and definitely not great company) and watch a movie which I would fall asleep halfway through. And I saw that this was a man I could trust to care for me.

So I think maybe a valuable part of building intimacy is finding ways to genuinely serve one another? To be vulnerable enough to share your needs, and to gently notice and meet some of her needs.

Well - eleven years of marriage later it seems to have worked for us. (Just not the illness bit so much!)

 

[ValleyGal]

There are so many ways you can go about it. In Kit's case, it seems they were very thoughtful and intentional about making a wise decision based on compatibility and teamwork. For others, like Josh Harris (I Kissed Dating Goodbye), it was more about developing a friendship connection that deepened into a "courting" experience. For others, they base it on feelings and the oxytocin rush that happens when you are attracted to someone and start baring your soul to them. All of these scenarios can produce a long-lasting romantic relationship.

For me, my best relationships grew from deepening friendships and growing attraction as opposed to the oxytocin rush or the intentional pursuit of what matters in relationships. I think in the end, it all boiled down to the same level of commitment to working on the same principles that can make marriage work.

I would suggest making friends with a lot of women, then over time and getting to know them, you can decide which ones have the kind of character and faith and personality that you know you can be crazy about for a lifetime, even when the road becomes rough and she does things that you don't like. Once you have it narrowed down, then you can make your choice and have "the talk" about an exclusive dating relationship, at which time you could then pursue the discussions about future dreams, life goals, etc. But don't go in like it's a Q & A. Work these kinds of things into your conversations and social activities. For example, for a date you might take her to a missions fundraising dinner, and you could ask her if she were to consider missions anywhere, where would it be. Her answer will say more than the words she speaks...it might be high on your priority list and low on hers, etc.

One word of caution. Do NOT get physical unless you are pretty sure she is the one you are seriously considering for a lifetime together. If you find you are not on the same page with regard to missions, for example, don't lean in for the goodnight kiss... when you are physical with someone, even hugging, it releases oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone. Women have more of this, and they release it much quicker than men. While a 5 second hug remains non-bonding for men, it starts the oxytocin release for a woman. For men, it takes upward of 15 seconds in a hug. This is why breakups are far more devastating for most women than they are for most men. Be considerate of your female friends this way. The Bible says to treat all women like they are your sister in the Lord's kingdom. After all, that is the first and most important relationship you will have with them - and even when you marry, she is first of all, your spiritual sister. Treat her with the same respect and care that you should treat all other women - including older women, married women, etc, in your church community.