Needing advice (adultery)

[savedthroughgrace]

So I have shared portions of my story in a couple of places on here but I want to start a thread to get my thoughts out there and get some feedback.

I am a 24 year old male. I have committed a couple of acts of adultery against my wife and God. About 3 months ago an inappropriate friendship (I thought it was a friendship anyway) crossed physical lines. I prayed and struggled with how to fix my mistake and was convicted to tell my wife. I also confessed to my wife other acts of sexual immorality and how it has encompassed much of my life. She forgave me fairly quickly and we decided after a while that we should go to marriage counseling to help prevent this from ever happening again. I HATE what I have done and feel much condemnation. I have repented and I am working on guarding my heart and mind from sexual temptation. I am willing to do whatever my wife requires to ensure trust (she hasn't required anything). I have also joined Celebrate Recovery (just started and unfortunately my work schedule will limit how often I can attend.) My wife longs for me to stop beating myself up but I am struggling to let go of my guilt from my sexual immorality.
So here are a few of my concerns:
My wifes father is our pastor.
He came to me talking about future leadership in the church
I realize that my life has not been fully committed to the Lord. I was baptized as an 8 year old and feel that I should be re baptized.
I struggle with Gods hatred of my sin and sometimes feel I am not forgiven and cannot inherit the kingdom of Heaven.

So,
Should we sit down with my in laws to discuss all of this. (My wife doesn't really want to but she believes they would love and forgive me if we do)
Am i forever barred from serving as a deacon or elder?
What are your thoughts on rebaptism?
I'm not sure anyone can help with my final concern in regards to forgiveness. I'm not even sure there is really a question here unless its "Does God forgive me?"

Of course, prayer is appreciated.

 

[akaDaScribe]

So I have shared portions of my story in a couple of places on here but I want to start a thread to get my thoughts out there and get some feedback.

I am a 24 year old male. I have committed a couple of acts of adultery against my wife and God. About 3 months ago an inappropriate friendship (I thought it was a friendship anyway) crossed physical lines. I prayed and struggled with how to fix my mistake and was convicted to tell my wife. I also confessed to my wife other acts of sexual immorality and how it has encompassed much of my life. She forgave me fairly quickly and we decided after a while that we should go to marriage counseling to help prevent this from ever happening again. I HATE what I have done and feel much condemnation. I have repented and I am working on guarding my heart and mind from sexual temptation. I am willing to do whatever my wife requires to ensure trust (she hasn't required anything). I have also joined Celebrate Recovery (just started and unfortunately my work schedule will limit how often I can attend.) My wife longs for me to stop beating myself up but I am struggling to let go of my guilt from my sexual immorality.
So here are a few of my concerns:
My wifes father is our pastor.
He came to me talking about future leadership in the church
I realize that my life has not been fully committed to the Lord. I was baptized as an 8 year old and feel that I should be re baptized.
I struggle with Gods hatred of my sin and sometimes feel I am not forgiven and cannot inherit the kingdom of Heaven.

So,
Should we sit down with my in laws to discuss all of this. (My wife doesn't really want to but she believes they would love and forgive me if we do)
Am i forever barred from serving as a deacon or elder?
What are your thoughts on rebaptism?
I'm not sure anyone can help with my final concern in regards to forgiveness. I'm not even sure there is really a question here unless its "Does God forgive me?"

Of course, prayer is appreciated.

The higher up you go and the more power you have in the church, the more of a magnet you will be. I'd say, based on your post, that you can have a conversation with your father in law, but tell him that you don't intend to pursue leadership roles in the foreseeable future.

It does not sound like a calling, but rather a prompting. I'd say give yourself a good while to recover and focus on your level of commitment to God before even considering a leadership role. Remember, you can serve the church in many ways without assuming leadership. Don't let yourself get pushed into something you're not called into or ready for.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

If you truly repented God has forgiven you.

I would not be in a big hurry to forgive myself. Remembering our sin is a good thing.

May wish to tell your father-in-law at this time you're not ready to take on any task around the church.

M-Bob

 

[Dan the deacon]

What have you done to assure this will.not happen again?
You can be a Deacon if you have truly repented(Meaning you have a real plan for the next time the opportunity arises)
Best not to be alone with women other tjan.your wife intil.you can trust the head on your shoulders to outweigh the one between your legs.
Your wife sounds like a very forgiving woman. A woman keeping the vows she made to both you and the Lord. You, on the otherhand have not kept those vows.
So maybe it would be best to.delay being.ordained a deacon. At least until.you can.keep the vows you make. Being a deacon means you will be dealing with women. Lonely women
I am not sure you are ready. But I am not your judge either. My worry is that this was not a one time mistake.as you stated. What assurance do you have this time was the last time?
I will keep you in.prayer.

 

[Albion]

This is a toughie, IMHO. I think I would advise getting more information about what *future leadership* means and make a choice only after that conversation. There is an argument to be made for going either way except that I would not advise making a big or formal commitment in the very near future. And for all you know, the suggestion was a generalization, not as specific as you might have thought.

Otherwise, do not confess your marital history with her family and do not seek a re-baptism. Repentance after baptism is what is needed, and you are penitent and have asked God an your wife for forgiveness. But baptism is not the equivalent of the Catholic sacrament of confession, although people sometimes mistakenly assume as much.

 

[savedthroughgrace]

What have you done to assure this will.not happen again?
You can be a Deacon if you have truly repented(Meaning you have a real plan for the next time the opportunity arises)
Best not to be alone with women other tjan.your wife intil.you can trust the head on your shoulders to outweigh the one between your legs.
Your wife sounds like a very forgiving woman. A woman keeping the vows she made to both you and the Lord. You, on the otherhand have not kept those vows.
So maybe it would be best to.delay being.ordained a deacon. At least until.you can.keep the vows you make. Being a deacon means you will be dealing with women. Lonely women
I am not sure you are ready. But I am not your judge either. My worry is that this was not a one time mistake.as you stated. What assurance do you have this time was the last time?
I will keep you in.prayer.

Becoming a deacon I believe would be a still future event. Not in the next year or 2. One of the boundaries I have set up for myself is to not be alone or become friends with women. My wife is a very Godly woman. I will gladly delay any leadership roles, as I tend to agree with you on your view of this. My church is very small and I have been in it my whole life. It is where I met my wife. The assurance that I have that it will not happen again is that I have the power of Christ to overcome. I also know I can be open an honest with my wife and if I notice a struggle I can tell her before I make a bad choice. I have expelled friends from my life who are no seeking the Lords will and have begun disclosing my sins to friends who love God and will hold me accountable.

 

[savedthroughgrace]

This is a toughie, IMHO. I think I would advise getting more information about what *future leadership* means and make a choice only after that conversation. There is an argument to be made for going either way except that I would not advise making a big or formal commitment in the very near future. And for all you know, the suggestion was a generalization, not as specific as you might have thought.

Otherwise, do not confess your marital history with her family and do not seek a re-baptism. Repentance after baptism is what is needed, and you are penitent and have asked God an your wife for forgiveness. But baptism is not the equivalent of the Catholic sacrament of confession, although people sometimes mistakenly assume as much.

Thank you for your insight. The suggestion was pretty specific. But was pointed out that it would not be any time super soon, which I am thankful for. My concern with re-baptism is I was very young and did not take my initial baptism into Christ serious.

 

[savedthroughgrace]

The higher up you go and the more power you have in the church, the more of a magnet you will be. I'd say, based on your post, that you can have a conversation with your father in law, but tell him that you don't intend to pursue leadership roles in the foreseeable future.

It does not sound like a calling, but rather a prompting. I'd say give yourself a good while to recover and focus on your level of commitment to God before even considering a leadership role. Remember, you can serve the church in many ways without assuming leadership. Don't let yourself get pushed into something you're not called into or ready for.

If you truly repented God has forgiven you.

I would not be in a big hurry to forgive myself. Remembering our sin is a good thing.

May wish to tell your father-in-law at this time you're not ready to take on any task around the church.

M-Bob

Thank you both. I agree that I am not ready at this time, but feel at some point I could want to do so.

 

[Albion]

Thank you for your insight. The suggestion was pretty specific. But was pointed out that it would not be any time super soon, which I am thankful for. My concern with re-baptism is I was very young and did not take my initial baptism into Christ serious.

A couple of points there...

As for the future leadership, you say it was not to be super soon (which is what I suspected), so I wouldn't close the door on it under these circumstances.

As for the baptism question: Most churches understand Baptism as being permanent, a one-time thing. But if you belong to a Baptist-type church which does not see it that way, you will just have to go with how your own church interprets the ordinance.

 

[Darkhorse]

DO NOT discuss this with your in-laws!

If he were your pastor, unrelated, and you had a good relationship, that would be different.
But since he's in the family, he's connected in ways that would be detrimental to your marital relationship. Don't go there. Consult a marriage counselor.

A church leadership position would be entirely possible in the future, but not wise now.
If you take such a position, you will be in Satan's cross-hairs and you need to have the full armor of God in place well beforehand. I have been both a deacon and an elder.

Rebaptism? I can't say one way or the other. The important thing is to keep the communication channel open to God by repentance and prayer. Your wife sounds like a real jewel; love her like one.

 

[Dave G.]

You have a sweetheart of a Christian woman there, you better hang on to her and cherish her for her heart alone. In your situation and with this affliction you have you are going to need to stay really tight with her and with God but as you mature ( you are young yet) let's pray that this tendency diminishes.

Forgiveness: God forgives freely if we are in Christ and come to him honestly. Forgiving ourselves is much more difficult and a kind of punishment in itself, much as you are going through. It's much better that you feel this way than not caring you committed these acts. Don't let your guard down, you know what it feels like now, you don't want to go through this for count three and four and so on.. In time you will forgive yourself but won't forget. And also, just because your wife seems to not have flinched and has been forgiving, by no means says she doesn't hurt over this way down inside. Just be thankful for her, as I said she is a sweetheart and you are going to need her help. Love her as Christ does and give the Glory to Him.

I agree that going into ministry needs to be a calling and it requires shedding personal baggage. But also it wouldn't hurt to take some bible classes geared towards ministry even if you don't go into it. Maybe revisit this in a couple of years and see where your heart is about that then. To dive into that right now could just be an escape hatch and when reopened the old self is still there. But be aware that there has never been a priest or minister who doesn't have a past, we are all sinners and that includes them. The only sinless one was Jesus Himself.

 

[A_Thinker]

DO NOT discuss this with your in-laws!

I agree here ... in-laws have their own relationships to tend to.

Your wife has forgiven you ... move forward from that point. Involving your in-laws is an unnecessary complication.

 

[tall73]

DO NOT discuss this with your in-laws!

I would agree with this. The exception might be if this other person is also in the church, etc. Jesus referenced if someone sins against you to go and show them their fault, and if they repent, then you have won them over. It is only if they do not that you take someone else (Matthew 18). In the case of public sins where the whole church knows of it, then it may be necessary to look at I Corinthians 5, where Paul called for repentance in a letter to the whole church (but then also in II Corinthians called for them to restore the one who repented so he would not be overcome with guilt).

In this case it sounds like it is not public knowledge. It is hard for people to not think of someone's sin when they see them if they are aware of it. If it is already known then the church can restore publicly and re-affirm love, with the goal of not dwelling on it, gossiping, etc. But if it is not known, it does little to help the church to make it known, once it is repented of.

A church leadership position would be entirely possible in the future, but not wise now.

Rebaptism? I can't say one way or the other. The important thing is to keep the communication channel open to God by repentance and prayer.

Agree with this.


Also, consider the following, in regards to guilt:

II Corinthians 7:8 Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while— 9 yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.

If you dwell continually on your guilt, then you miss the point of repentance. At the same time the fact that this did happen means that you need to look at your spiritual maturity honestly. It may not be time for leadership, but to focus on walking more in the Spirit and closer to Christ day by day.

 

[timtams]

Please read this little story about repentance and the hope of salvation told by Clement of Alexandria from the life of John:



And that you may be still more confident, that repenting thus truly there remains for you a sure hope of salvation, listen to a tale which is not a tale but a narrative, handed down and committed to the custody of memory, about the Apostle John. For when, on the tyrant's death, he returned to Ephesus from the isle of Patmos, he went away, being invited, to the contiguous territories of the nations, here to appoint bishops, there to set in order whole Churches, there to ordain such as were marked out by the Spirit.

Having come to one of the cities not far off (the name of which some give), and having put the brethren to rest in other matters, at last, looking to the bishop appointed, and seeing a youth, powerful in body, comely in appearance, and ardent, said, "This (youth) I commit to you in all earnestness, in the presence of the Church, and with Christ as witness." And on his accepting and promising all, he gave the same injunction and testimony. And he set out for Ephesus. And the presbyter taking home the youth committed to him, reared, kept, cherished, and finally baptized him. After this he relaxed his stricter care and guardianship, under the idea that the seal of the Lord he had set on him was a complete protection to him. But on his obtaining premature freedom, some youths of his age, idle, dissolute, and adepts in evil courses, corrupt him. First they entice him by many costly entertainments; then afterwards by night issuing forth for highway robbery, they take him along with them. Then they dared to execute together something greater. And he by degrees got accustomed; and from greatness of nature, when he had gone aside from the right path, and like a hard-mouthed and powerful horse, had taken the bit between his teeth, rushed with all the more force down into the depths. And having entirely despaired of salvation in God, he no longer meditated what was insignificant, but having perpetrated some great exploit, now that he was once lost, he made up his mind to a like fate with the rest. Taking them and forming a hand of robbers, he was the prompt captain of the bandits, the fiercest, the bloodiest, the cruelest.

Time passed, and some necessity having emerged, they send again for John. He, when he had settled the other matters on account of which he came, said, "Come now, O bishop, restore to us the deposit which I and the Saviour committed to thee in the face of the Church over which you preside, as witness." The other was at first confounded, thinking that it was a false charge about money which he did not get; and he could neither believe the allegation regarding what he had not, nor disbelieve John. But when he said "I demand the young man, and the soul of the brother," the old man, groaning deeply, and bursting into tears, said, "He is dead." "How and what kind of death?" "He is dead," he said, "to God. For he turned wicked and abandoned, and at last a robber; and now he has taken possession of the mountain in front of the church, along with a band like him." Rending, therefore, his clothes, and striking his head with great lamentation, the apostle said, "It was a fine guard of a brother's soul I left! But let a horse be brought me, and let some one be my guide on the way." He rode away, just as he was, straight from the church. On coming to the place, he is arrested by the robbers' outpost; neither fleeing nor entreating, but crying, "It was for this I came. Lead me to your captain;" who meanwhile was waiting, all armed as he was. But when he recognized John as he advanced, he turned, ashamed, to flight. The other followed with all his might, forgetting his age, crying, "Why, my son, dost thou flee from me, thy father, unarmed, old? Son, pity me. Fear not; thou hast still hope of life. I will give account to Christ for thee. If need be, I will willingly endure thy death, as the Lord did death for us. For thee I will surrender my life. Stand, believe; Christ hath sent me."

And he, when he heard, first stood, looking down; then threw down his arms, then trembled and wept bitterly. And on the old man approaching, he embraced him, speaking for himself with lamentations as he could, and baptized a second time with tears, concealing only his right hand. The other pledging, and assuring him on oath that he would find forgiveness for himself from the Saviour, beseeching and failing on his knees, and kissing his right hand itself, as now purified by repentance, led him back to the church. Then by supplicating with copious prayers, and striving along with him in continual fastings, and subduing his mind by various utterances of words, did not depart, as they say, till he restored him to the Church, presenting in him a great example of true repentance and a great token of regeneration, a trophy of the resurrection for which we hope; when at the end of the world, the angels, radiant with joy, hymning and opening the heavens, shall receive into the celestial abodes those who truly repent; and before all, the Saviour Himself goes to meet them, welcoming them; holding forth the shadowless, ceaseless light; conducting them,to the Father's bosom, to eternal life, to the kingdom of heaven.

 

[Odetta]

On the rebaptism thing, in our denomination, it's done on occasion. (Southern Baptist here) Usually for someone who made a profession of faith and was baptized, but then later questioned if the profession was sincere. Baptism isn't in any way tied to your salvation in that you have to be baptized the "right way" to be saved, nor is it a method of confession of sins for the end goal of absolution. Instead, it is an outward expression of your profession of faith. If you feel that when you were baptized the first time you weren't actually saved and therefore your profession of faith was invalid, I would understand feeling the need to get baptized again now that you are.

This is all something that you should go over with a spiritual mentor - like your FIL pastor. DO NOT tell him about the adultery, but your salvation story and baptism would be fine. As for being pressured to serve in church leadership, you can simply say that you don't feel that God is calling you to that role at this time. If you go to him with the confession that you are questioning your salvation, that will probably get him off your back for a while about serving.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

If your wife wants to Let It Go recommended you stop bringing it up.

Why would you the sinner of all people wish to keep bringing it up?

Maybe she is more in touch with repentance and forgiveness than you are?

M-Bob

 

[Deidre32]

I would just work on yourself, and the areas in your life where you feel you are weak.

I read your story in the other thread, and the thing I wonder about is...why did your wife let this go so quickly? It sort of seems like she wants to pretend it didn't happen. You mention that you both struggle with communication. I'm newly married, I've been married a little over a year now, and communication and transparency is key. I'm glad she forgave you, but there's a difference between processing something and forgiving, and just wanting to act like it's not really happening. People don't get over adultery that quickly, if they do, it will come up at a later date, because they haven't dealt with it. If I cheated on my husband, and rather quickly, he seemed to want to forgive and forget, I'd wonder if he processed it.

I'm not saying this is the case for your wife, but it could be. Just something to think about.

 

[savedthroughgrace]

If your wife wants to Let It Go recommended you stop bringing it up.

Why would you the sinner of all people wish to keep bringing it up?

Maybe she is more in touch with repentance and forgiveness than you are?

M-Bob

I keep bringing it up because I am struggling. She is my wife and she supports me even though my sin greatly affects her. If I can't talk to her then I have no one left to talk to. Yes she is more in touch with a lot of Godly things than I am. I am glad to be married to such a Christian woman. I have been working on becoming the spiritual leader of our household because it was a ball I really dropped since the beginning.

 

[Deidre32]

What exactly are you struggling with, though? Being faithful?

 

[savedthroughgrace]

I would just work on yourself, and the areas in your life where you feel you are weak.

I read your story in the other thread, and the thing I wonder about is...why did your wife let this go so quickly? It sort of seems like she wants to pretend it didn't happen. You mention that you both struggle with communication. I'm newly married, I've been married a little over a year now, and communication and transparency is key. I'm glad she forgave you, but there's a difference between processing something and forgiving, and just wanting to act like it's not really happening. People don't get over adultery that quickly, if they do, it will come up at a later date, because they haven't dealt with it. If I cheated on my husband, and rather quickly, he seemed to want to forgive and forget, I'd wonder if he processed it.

I'm not saying this is the case for your wife, but it could be. Just something to think about.

This was the biggest reason I wanted to go to therapy. I was terrified that years from now she would become depressed and angry. I still am terrified of that. She has assured me that the Lord has removed the anger from her. She does not feel angry. Sometimes she feels hurt still, and rightly so, but no anger. I read her your comment to show her that I am not the only one that thinks this way. She again assures me that she is not lying to herself or me and is truly forgiving me and releasing her anger. She also says the fact that I have been honest and we have worked through the root issues and she can trust me and knows that I am truly sorry helps.

Just to clarify, the beginning of our marriage was characterized by lack of communication skills. We recognize that as an issue and it is no longer a problem thanks to our work and counseling. Of course in all things we give thanks to the Lord.