My Wife Refuses to Live With Me

[marco ramius]

I ask anyone who reads this request to pray for my wife and I as we contemplate ending our marriage. I am also in very bad financial shape so I would appreciate prayers for that as well.

My wife and I have been married for nine years. Of that nine years, we've actually only lived together for about half of that time. We no doubt love each other very much, and we both want a good solid marriage. Unfortunately, our relationship is very volatile.

She's expressive and not apt to submit according to The Word. I have lost the patience to listen to personal attacks from her about things that she feels are important. The wife of my best friend has told me that she "majors in the minors".

I'm not claiming any innocence here. I sometimes react with anger, and very often, I completely withdraw from her. I find peace and calm when I do this, but it doesn't make the situation any better. It is very easy to do because we don't live together.

Here's the reason for not living together: My wife has two sons. I have three daughters. My wife's oldest son is very well adjusted, works hard, and goes to college. Her younger son is in his twenties, and barely leaves his room, much less the house. He resents me and my daughters and will not allow me to come see my wife in the home that I pay for. He even gets upset if i pull up in the driveway. My wife pulled him out of public school (middle school) because he cried every day and did not want to be at school. She should have gotten him some professional help instead of withdrawing him. He never received much education after that, but he is very intelligent (has been tested). Because my wife enabled him (gave him just about anything he wanted for several years) he knows if he presents himself as upset (even when he isn't) he will get what he wants from her. He admitted this to me once a few years ago (unprompted). My children resented him at times because of the different treatment he received. Generally the kids got along, but my wife and I did not. This made her son withdraw more, and there was some friction between one of my daughters and her son. He told her back in 2011 that he never wanted to be around me or my family and if she lived with me, not to expect to see him. Problem is, he doesn't even have a GED, no work experience at all, and doesn't know how to drive, and doesn't particularly care to learn. He is completely dependent on my wife (she cooks and cleans for him), and couldn't be on his own other than for a few days at a time.

My wife claims that even if this wasn't the case, she wouldn't move in with me because I have two daughters at home currently. My wife was supposed to have gone to school and would be completing a masters by this time. However she waffled about what degree to pursue. So for the last two and a half years, she hasn't worked, and only completed one class.

This situation is completely destroying me financially as I have been unemployed for 16 months.

Something has to give. I humbly ask for your prayers, and welcome any advice any of you may have.

 

[DZoolander]

lol you've allowed some unemployed, unemployable flunkie to bully you out of a home that you pay for and separate you from your wife...because he throws a hissy fit if you show up?

To heck with that kid. If I were you I'd pack up, drive my butt over there, unload the car right in front of him and ask him if he wants some cheese with his whine. Maybe your moving into the house will prompt him to actually do something with his lazy-good-for-nothing-tuchus.

Pffth - she won't see him again if you move back in. Where's unemployable loser boy gonna go? Does he even have friends? Or does he sit around and play Call of Duty/World of Warcraft all day?

 

[marco ramius]

You sound like my inside voice EZoolander lol! First off, it's not my house..it's a leased house, and even though I pay for it, my wife's name is on the lease. My wife and I have zero anything together. No property, children, financial accounts, etc. I'm sure if I attempted to enter the house my wife would at a minimum threaten to call the police and charge me with trespassing.

 

[Messy]

You sound like my inside voice EZoolander lol! First off, it's not my house..it's a leased house, and even though I pay for it, my wife's name is on the lease. My wife and I have zero anything together. No property, children, financial accounts, etc. I'm sure if I attempted to enter the house my wife would at a minimum threaten to call the police and charge me with trespassing.

Why pay for the house then, you can't even afford it. They can live like this because you enable them. I wouldn't pay for the house. You can either live with me or not, but I'm not going to pay for that.
She doesn't want to live with you because of your daughters? Too much effort? She sounds as spoiled as her son. She chooses for her son, not you. He's in his twenties so he could get out of the house.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, I'd stop paying for her and her son.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Honestly, I question if they're intentionally using you for money. It sounds like they're deliberately taking you for a ride financially.

If moving in with your wife isn't an option, then I'd say to her that paying for her house isn't either. You deserve a shot at a real marriage or a shot at finding one. It just sounds like she's the marital and financial equivalent to being a squatter.

 

[Dari0]

tough predicament. I say ask God how you can be a man in this, having multiple families from different parents is hard no doubt. If you and your wife still love each other you'll make it work, someway or the other. Evaluate yourself and what you've been doing wrong, and ask for forgiveness, then talk to your wife about the mistakes you've made and how you want to step up .

 

[DZoolander]

Honestly, I question if they're intentionally using you for money. It sounds like they're deliberately taking you for a ride financially.

If moving in with your wife isn't an option, then I'd say to her that paying for her house isn't either. You deserve a shot at a real marriage or a shot at finding one. It just sounds like she's the marital and financial equivalent to being a squatter.

^^^ this.

The truth of the matter is that if you have a "wife" (and I'm putting that in quotes for obvious reasons) that you feel would likely call the cops on you for trespassing under those circumstances - it's time to cut and run because most likely you're just being taken for a ride.

The good news is that if the lease is under her name - then it will do you no harm (credit-wise) to simply stop paying. Tell her you're not paying for her abode any more - so she has to move in with you...and if bozo comes along... "there's gonna be some rules."

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I have a real issue with this "She's expressive and not apt to submit according to The Word. I have lost the patience to listen to personal attacks from her about things that she feels are important. The wife of my best friend has told me that she "majors in the minors".

What does that bolded part mean to you? Does it mean that you make the rules and she rolls over?

Regarding the rest...stop paying for the house, go find yourself a job and live your life.

 

[marco ramius]

RedPonyDriver, I appreciate your question. What that means to me is she affirms me daily and creates calm in the marriage. She is the calm in the storm. My wife claims when she goes on one of her tears, that she can't help it. It's like she has no self control.

My job is to love her as Christ loves the Church. That means to the point of giving my life for her.

We would be living together right now if it wasn't for her stance.

 

[Messy]

RedPonyDriver, I appreciate your question. What that means to me is she affirms me daily and creates calm in the marriage. She is the calm in the storm. My wife claims when she goes on one of her tears, that she can't help it. It's like she has no self control.

My job is to love her as Christ loves the Church. That means to the point of giving my life for her.

We would be living together right now if it wasn't for her stance.

You mean she has rages? That's demonic and the reason that it can stay is that she won't submit to her husband.
I'd set some rules if I were you. That's also loving.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

RedPonyDriver, I appreciate your question. What that means to me is she affirms me daily and creates calm in the marriage. She is the calm in the storm. My wife claims when she goes on one of her tears, that she can't help it. It's like she has no self control.

My job is to love her as Christ loves the Church. That means to the point of giving my life for her.

We would be living together right now if it wasn't for her stance.

Well, let's be honest about our expectations here.

It's her job to be supportive and loving on the whole, but it isn't her job to sing your praises and be the dispenser of "now now, it's ok." She is allowed to disagree with you, challenge your viewpoints, have feelings like hurt and anger, even to express them in a healthy, constructive way.

Are you expecting a normal woman with feelings and emotions, who loves you and is loved in return, who may disagree with you, get angry or hurt, and who expresses emotions.... Or are you expecting "you're so right dear, you're so great dear, anything you say dear"?

She is your wife... She's allowed to get upset or angry at you or things you do.

It just seems odd to me that those are your requirements of her as they both are central to appeasing you and you only and both seem to involve inflating or protecting your ego. If I were to ask my husband, I doubt he'd list those two things as my primary job in marriage, nor I him.

 

[marco ramius]

Thanks Tropical Wilds. My expectations are that she be a normal wife and woman.She has equal standing in our marriage. She can have all the problems and issues she wants. She is, however seemingly unable to discuss her problems and issues in a calm and rational adult way.
She tends to bring all her problems to me in attack mode. She begins the conversation by listing my transgressions in a holier-than-thou manner. Her siblings all say she's been this way for years. She states her opinion as fact ando rarely seems to resolve her issues. She brings things from the past quite often as a method of trying to reinforce her position, no matter if it was resolved forgiven. She claims she doesn't keep score but when I attempt to have a rational conversation about an issue she digs her heels in. These encounters often last a minimum of 2 hours and have gone as long as 8 to 10 hours. These happen without regard to time. They can last into the early morning hours, and during work hours. I can't tell you how many meetings and appointments I've missed because of this. But I always say "don't worry about it Baby" when she apologizes for her lack of self control. She has also blamed me for them going so long because I don't "stop her" from going on and on about something. I've tried to stop her many times with disastrous results. Now I sometimes just endure the conversations and take blame and apologize even if I don't think I'm in the wrong, which shortens them to a small extent. I find myself getting more and more frustrated by the same issues coming up and then in her mind they're not resolved. She's even admitted that sometimes when she has worn herself out that she'll act as if they are resolved even though they are still unresolved in her mind. I get frustrated by her holier-than-thou attitude and lose my patience. At point I stop communicating all together because in my mind it's pointless to discuss any further. She's stated that she is not a person who will "agree to disagree". Since we live almost an hour apart, I withdraw completely and for months at a time often. The situation overwhelms me to the point that I feel completely powerless and anything I try to help resolve an issue is going to backfire.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Thanks Tropical Wilds. My expectations are that she be a normal wife and woman.She has equal standing in our marriage. She can have all the problems and issues she wants. She is, however seemingly unable to discuss her problems and issues in a calm and rational adult way.

Perhaps it doesn't help that, in describing her and her issues, you talk about her as if she's a child. Telling her "be a normal wife and woman" is both vague and it doesn't set any specific need or expectation, though it does serve as an insult as it implies that she's failing and is not a "normal wife and woman."

Like, if she told you her expectation of you was to "be normal," would you even know what to do with that?

She tends to bring all her problems to me in attack mode. She begins the conversation by listing my transgressions in a holier-than-thou manner.

I think I'm starting to see the issue here... The issue is that when she has a problem and it's you or something you're doing, she has to be contrite in how she approaches you about it, otherwise you are insulted by her delivery and write her off. Now we've totally ruled out any "calm and rational" discussions about the problem.

Her siblings all say she's been this way for years.

Who cares? Stop gossiping about your issue with your wife with her siblings.

She states her opinion as fact ando rarely seems to resolve her issues. She brings things from the past quite often as a method of trying to reinforce her position, no matter if it was resolved forgiven.

But if she's bringing it up, it may have been resolved or forgiven by you, but it clearly wasn't by her. As far as her opinion being fact, if that's an opinion she holds, to some degree it is a fact.

For example, if I said that I thought my husband was distant and unloving, he can say "no I'm not" all he wants, or "that's your opinion," but the reality is... To me, it would be a fact. I would be expressing that my reality, my fact, is that his behavior is cold and unloving. He can either say "that's her opinion" and blow me off, or he can say "gee, if she's saying this, this is how she feels... I should maybe think about things a bit."

If we have a woman is saying has issues in her marriage or with her husband and the response she gets is that her husband thinks that's just her opinion, she's a big irrational baby about it, and her siblings agree... Well, I'm stressed for the woman myself just thinking about it.

Besides, you're presenting your opinion as fact as well, so I think you guys are in a contest against each other using the same tactics.

She claims she doesn't keep score but when I attempt to have a rational conversation about an issue she digs her heels in.

Again, see above. Be normal and be a grown woman, while doing to her exactly what you're complaining to her about what she's doing to you, will not get you far.

These encounters often last a minimum of 2 hours and have gone as long as 8 to 10 hours. These happen without regard to time. They can last into the early morning hours, and during work hours. I can't tell you how many meetings and appointments I've missed because of this.

Most people's marital issues don't occur during off hours and weekends. They kind of are around all the time. It's unreasonable to expect that if she has issues, whatever it is has to be expressed and resolved between the hours of 6pm and 9pm on weekdays.

But I always say "don't worry about it Baby" when she apologizes for her lack of self control. She has also blamed me for them going so long because I don't "stop her" from going on and on about something. I've tried to stop her many times with disastrous results. Now I sometimes just endure the conversations and take blame and apologize even if I don't think I'm in the wrong, which shortens them to a small extent.

Which doesn't really resolve the issue. It's a passive aggressive way of saying "yeah, yeah, yeah... Whatever, are we done yet?" which I'm sure she picks up on.

I find myself getting more and more frustrated by the same issues coming up and then in her mind they're not resolved. She's even admitted that sometimes when she has worn herself out that she'll act as if they are resolved even though they are still unresolved in her mind.I get frustrated by her holier-than-thou attitude and lose my patience. At point I stop communicating all together because in my mind it's pointless to discuss any further.

So then instead of just saying what you have to say to get her to shut up and not actually resolving the problem, do the heavy lifting, the hard work, the deep digging, and solve the problems. It's hard to not feel a little holier-than-thou when you've got problems and a husband who just wants to take the quickest point from his wife saying "I have a problem" and her just being quiet about said problem. It means you're not even listening to what she says, not attempting to change them, and while you lament you're having this conversation AGAIN, she's lamenting that she HAS to have the conversation again.

Really, neither of you seem to be acting very adult or rational in your arguments.

She's stated that she is not a person who will "agree to disagree". Since we live almost an hour apart, I withdraw completely and for months at a time often. The situation overwhelms me to the point that I feel completely powerless and anything I try to help resolve an issue is going to backfire.

Well, you don't seem to be a person who agrees to disagree either.

Honestly, I get why you're stuck. I'd be hard pressed to be into taking advice, orders, or feedback from a guy who blows me off for months at a time, then resurfaces only to tell me what I have to do to make him happy and make any relationship we have work.

While I don't think she should still be catering to her adult son and you shouldn't be paying her bills, I certainly don't think that you are in a position to make life-changing demands of her when you refuse to do the same and, frankly, it seems like her very existence irritates the crap out of you when it's not what you dub "normal" or "adult" or "properly submissive." You've shown her nothing that proves you're committed to the marriage, her, or will do anything beyond your comfort zone to make things work. You can't really expect her to do the same for you.

Stop paying the bills for the house, both of you decide to get in or out, and go for it.

 

[Messy]

If you both want to make this work, not living apart, I'd go to marriage counselling/ a healing week. If it's really bad and unsolveable you can Always go to T.B. Joshua, even the most horrible marriages get healed there, wish I knew about him some years ago.

 

[marco ramius]

Thanks, everyone for your input! Tropical Wilds, I appreciate all of your points. I have really just skimmed the surface of what goes on. There's really not enough room here to build all of the context about what I'm talking about. One thing I will say is that I am and have been for nine years, a very deep, caring, and loving husband. I have spent countless hours doing a great deal of "heavy lifting". My wife will even admit this. She's been married three other times before me, and had it very rough growing up. It followed her into adulthood. Her siblings volunteered the information about her holier-than-though stance one time when she had a fit and walked out on us. In addition, in the 14 years I have known her, I have never saw her leave a job without some major turmoil. She is either hating someone she worked with and quit, or she's been run off by her employers. I could go on, but I won't. I understand your views, and I will never claim innocence here. I do know that my wife is not your average bear, so applying the "norms" may not be applicable here.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I don't know... I'm not seeing the investment in the marriage or "good, solid work" when you don't talk to her for months when she irks you and "yeah whatever" your way through her problems.

I don't doubt you think you love her, but I think you are doing to her what you complain she does to you. You want what you want and nothing short of that means name calling, marital abandonment, and keeping score of all the reasons why the other is the worse partner.