My Wife Does Nothing Around the House. While I Do Everything

[Kinser]

I've been married 20 years now. I married when I was 21 to a women that is LAZY! She has no ambition. Doesn't clean the house or cook.

I am so angry at myself for marring her especially now that we have a child. She was on birth control for years but stop taking them 8 years ago without me knowing. I was blessed with a beautiful girl and we always have fun together.

I am stuck and I am not sure what to do about my wife. If we had no children I would leave her.

I'm self employed. It isn't uncommon for me to come home to no dinner, a filthy house. I work usually 10-12 hour days and allot of times more. I don't like it but I can always take care of myself but it really burns me up when I get home late and my lil girl hasn't eaten!!

She watches min. 10 hours of TV a day during the week and more on the weekends. She takes my little girl to karate classes a few nights a week but does nothing else around the house. Sex with my wife was maybe 2 or 3 times a year. Last two times I was unable to perform because of the anger.

The refrigerator is filthy. I clean it when I can. The bathroom is filthy. I also clean that. I hired a cleaning lady to scrub our kitchen just before Christmas. It's late Jan. now it is on it's way to being bad again. Dishes are piled up. She washes them at the last minute. Our dogs are filthy.

I figured one day I'll do all these things as a loving gesture. I work all day, come home and cook, send time with my daughter reading or playing games. When she's asleep I'll wash dishes and clean. I was hoping my wife would see me doing all that and jump in and help- NOPE!

The worst part is that she isn't raising my daughter well. My little girl and I go to the park, the beach, we ride bikes together, go to car shows, we paint, we build, we garden, we tell jokes, etc.... my wife just watches TV.

There is much much more but I guess I made my point.

ME- I don't drink, gamble, cruse. I am God fearing, church attending, people loving. I am a great father. I have a great sense of humor, I am always giving, very hard working, honorable, honest, reliable, respectable, etc....

What is the solution?? Nobody has one!

 

[hijklmnop]

I'm not sure there is the kind of solution you're looking for, as you cannot change another person.

Have you had a very honest discussion with her about the extent of your frustration? Could she be depressed and not just lazy? Could you guys go to counseling? Could you love her "despite" her poor housekeeping and hands-off parenting or are those things dealbreakers to you?

 

[JaneFW]

Do you guys have a spiritual life? A church? Is there anyone at your church that might intervene? Is there any likelihood your wife has depression or some other psychological disorder?

If your young child is not being fed, you need to do something to enforce that, because that is neglect, and your child can, will and should be taken away from both of you. You can't excuse neglect by saying you weren't there when the child should have been fed. If you know about it, you should be fixing that problem, before it's too late.

 

[BlueJay83]

my soon to be Ex must be living with you.

My wife and I have been separated 5 months.
she is EXACTLY as you explained.

OK, the bedroom is different, and and her emotional and physical affairs were a different matter lal together.

BUT, the housework issue.. exactly the same just substitute facebook for TV and you just described my wife.

She has been diagnosed BiPolar.
I'd say (from personal experience) that your wife has some sort of depression or disorder.

I also said the exact same words as you.
"she isn't a wife"

I did everything, she wasn't even getting the kids to school anymore even.

I now am a solo dad to our 3 boys (3, 5 and 7) and I'm glad i finally got her out the house.

Now, I'm guessing you have talked to her about your issue with her neglect of the family?
how has she responded?

 

[Anessa14]

I'm a bad room mate. After 13 years of doing the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning and Talking Occasionally About My Frustration With The Situation etc while we both held full time jobs.... I hurt my back badly. I hesitate to do all the things I did, fearing pain. I once loved having people drop in; now the thought gives me horrors, because of the condition of the house. My husband has Male Housework Blindness and I hatehatehatehate to have to give him direction to clean up after himself. <staff edit>
Helpmate- heck, I want a wife.

 

[cimbk]

I've been married 20 years now. I married when I was 21 to a women that is LAZY! She has no ambition. Doesn't clean the house or cook.

I am so angry at myself for marring her especially now that we have a child. She was on birth control for years but stop taking them 8 years ago without me knowing. I was blessed with a beautiful girl and we always have fun together.

I am stuck and I am not sure what to do about my wife. If we had no children I would leave her.

I'm self employed. It isn't uncommon for me to come home to no dinner, a filthy house. I work usually 10-12 hour days and allot of times more. I don't like it but I can always take care of myself but it really burns me up when I get home late and my lil girl hasn't eaten!!

She watches min. 10 hours of TV a day during the week and more on the weekends. She takes my little girl to karate classes a few nights a week but does nothing else. Sex with my wife was maybe 2 or 3 times a year. Last two times I was unable to perform because of the anger.

The refrigerator is filthy. I clean it when I can. The bathroom is filthy. I also clean that. I hired a cleaning lady to scrub our kitchen just before Christmas. It's late Jan. now it is on it's way to being bad again. Dishes are piled up. She washes them at the last minute. Our dogs are filthy.

I figured one day I'll do all these things as a loving gesture. I work all day, come home and cook, send time with my daughter reading or playing games. When she's asleep I'll wash dishes and clean. I was hoping my wife would see me doing all that and jump in and help- NOPE!

The worst part is that she isn't raising my daughter well. My little girl and I go to the park, the beach, we ride bikes together, go to car shows, we paint, we build, we garden, we tell jokes, etc.... my wife just watches TV.

There is much much more but I guess I made my point.

ME- I don't drink, gamble, cruse. I am God fearing, church attending, people loving. I am a great father. I have a great sense of humor, I am always giving, very hard working, honorable, honest, reliable, respectable, etc....

What is the solution?? Nobody has one!

Remove all TV's from your house. You are the Boss of your home, your wife has clearly shown she is a free loader, remove what she's addicted to, if she can't handle it, maybe she will leave. It doesn't sound like she is a Christian, so your already unequally yoked. If she leaves thats her doing

 

[lillivanilli]

Remove all TV's from your house. You are the Boss of your home, your wife has clearly shown she is a free loader, remove what she's addicted to, if she can't handle it, maybe she will leave. It doesn't sound like she is a Christian, so your already unequally yoked. If she leaves thats her doing

I was thinking along the same lines.

Sounds like she doesn't work - so if you are responsible for paying the bills, cancel the cable, ditch the television sets and internet access, and quit enabling her lazy lifestyle.

But if she is suffering from depression or some other undiagnosed condition, it wouldn't hurt to urge her to see her doctor.

I don't know how much you've talked with her about this (TALKED - not yelled, or scolded, or complained) but I think seeing a marriage counselor would be a good idea. If nothing else, you need to see to it that your daughter is taken care of, even if it means finding alternative day care instead of leaving her in the care of her mother. Perhaps the money you save on canceling the cable will be better spent on a good day care provider.

 

[dorig59]

I agree with cimbk. Desperate times require desperate measures. That's ridiculous that you have to live like this.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

I agree with the others who have suggested getting rid of all televisions. Also, she needs some sort of intervention for her TV addiction. Her addiction has gotten to the point where it is all consuming of time, effort, and energy.

 

[Ice Cream Sandwich]

Even though I think the 'remove the TV' idea is extreme and could cause more problems. Be careful though ... Sounds like my wife most of time.

 

[dallasapple]

[QUOTEI've been married 20 years now. I married when I was 21 to a women that is LAZY! She has no ambition. Doesn't clean the house or cook.

I am so angry at myself for marring her especially now that we have a child. She was on birth control for years but stop taking them 8 years ago without me knowing. I was blessed with a beautiful girl and we always have fun together.

I am stuck and I am not sure what to do about my wife. If we had no children I would leave her.
][/QUOTE]

Im not quite clear on this..has your wife ALWAYS been like this for the entire 20 years of marriage?And if so...sounds like you had no children for the first 12 years right?(is your daughter 8?) ..If so why didnt you leave her before you had a daughter?What kept you there the first 12 years?Did she change after the birth of your daughter?Im a little confused..Has she ever worked?(outside the home?)

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Also on a side note..in the weirdest way your OP is affirmation for me..im a full time stay at mom for 19 years now(now helping ot raise my grandchild who is 3 and 1/2)(the first almost 4 I worked at least part time also so 23 years total)..I threw myself into cooking cleaning and taking care of our 3 children..I wasnt like your wife..I wasnt a perfect house cleaner /cook /or mother..but I was devoted and it was my ROLE life my job my identity and passion .but i was never appreciated for it..at least not outwardly and I was critisized a lot..and my husband actually resented I stayed home and he 'had to go to work"..he minimzied the amount of labor and HEART I gave.....its ironic to see what a huge disturbance..and how severely affected yours and your daughters quality of life is without a passionate/hard working/DOMESTIC orientated wife at home.Not to mention I see how you have litel respect for her as a result as well..IOW your OP could be a poster for husbands to not take for granted the importance and the sheer labor that goes into home and children ..wether the mother is working outside the home or not..but I have a special spot in my heart for all the moms that are full time..rarely get affirmation or honor or respect(HIGH respect) for that role..only get to hear how horrible she (or a woman) is who fails in that role or who has low standards for herself as to what kind of energy to give itno that role..

Im thinking of copying your OP and emailing it to my husband even though he has come a LONG way in our 23 year marraige..but I hate to say it a littel late to make up entirely for the damage and heart ache I suffered over his lack of respect for the very things you are complaining you have LOST respect for your wife over not doing..and saying to him..see???...you could be this guy..(except make it 3 kids..and not after 12 years either..we had 3 children by 8 years into marriage before we even hit 30)..

I gave up and was similar to your wife for about 3 years later in our marriage from the utter lack of value I felt as a wife and mother due to my husbands attitude..Not saying you are this way..just saying...I dont know..like I said YOUR OP affirms me..

Dallas

 

[Chaplain David]

I've been married 20 years now. I married when I was 21 to a women that is LAZY! She has no ambition. Doesn't clean the house or cook.

I am so angry at myself for marring her especially now that we have a child. She was on birth control for years but stop taking them 8 years ago without me knowing. I was blessed with a beautiful girl and we always have fun together.

I am stuck and I am not sure what to do about my wife. If we had no children I would leave her.

I'm self employed. It isn't uncommon for me to come home to no dinner, a filthy house. I work usually 10-12 hour days and allot of times more. I don't like it but I can always take care of myself but it really burns me up when I get home late and my lil girl hasn't eaten!!

She watches min. 10 hours of TV a day during the week and more on the weekends. She takes my little girl to karate classes a few nights a week but does nothing else. Sex with my wife was maybe 2 or 3 times a year. Last two times I was unable to perform because of the anger.

The refrigerator is filthy. I clean it when I can. The bathroom is filthy. I also clean that. I hired a cleaning lady to scrub our kitchen just before Christmas. It's late Jan. now it is on it's way to being bad again. Dishes are piled up. She washes them at the last minute. Our dogs are filthy.

I figured one day I'll do all these things as a loving gesture. I work all day, come home and cook, send time with my daughter reading or playing games. When she's asleep I'll wash dishes and clean. I was hoping my wife would see me doing all that and jump in and help- NOPE!

The worst part is that she isn't raising my daughter well. My little girl and I go to the park, the beach, we ride bikes together, go to car shows, we paint, we build, we garden, we tell jokes, etc.... my wife just watches TV.

There is much much more but I guess I made my point.

ME- I don't drink, gamble, cruse. I am God fearing, church attending, people loving. I am a great father. I have a great sense of humor, I am always giving, very hard working, honorable, honest, reliable, respectable, etc....

What is the solution?? Nobody has one!

Suggest counseling with your pastor and or licensed marriage and family counselor and definitely, individually for yourself so this doesn't continue to eat you up. God bless.

 

[Nilla]

Mod Hat On

If you're not married and haven't been, please stop posting in this thread.

Mod Hat Off​

​

 

[JaneFW]

I could understand if a child doesn't know how to feed themselves;
or there's no/enough food in the house.

An 8 year old should not be left to her (or his) own devices and expected to feed themselves. This is neglectful. The OP needs to see to the needs of his child over and above everything and everyone else. The law is quite specific about caring for children.

The OP hasn't been back anyway.

 

[sdmsanjose]

I am late to this thread. If the OP comes back then this is my take.

If any of the advice on this thread will help your marriage then please take it. However, at the same time I would do everything possible to build a legal case to get your daughter under your custody in the event that it comes to that. Get busy and document.

If your wife is as bad as you say and has not changed in 20 years, the likely hood that you will separate is pretty strong. From your post you are far the better parent for that child; protect yourself and and your child legally!

 

[LinkH]

I was about to suggest this, but saw others suggest it.

Sell, give away, or store the TV someplace else. Tell her your house is not in order, and the TV is keeping her from performing her duties as a wife and mother.

Are either of your Christians? This woman needs to be discipled. Laziness is sinful.

Has she always been like this? You could get her checked out for depression. But if she is it is just as easy for her to be depressed while doing housework as when you are not, so she needs to do the housework.

Print up a list of chores for her to do like they do for the people who clean at Burger King or some place like that (and put it on the bathroom door.) Go over the list with her every day. If you can get her to go along with this, stand over her and make sure she does the chores to your satisfaction.

If you can find a church that really addresses these kinds of issues, maybe a small group Bible study that teaches women how to be good wives where the women actually encourage each other to obey the word of God (instead of promoting worldly philosophies cloaked in Christian terminology) that may be good for her one night a week. Maybe you could make friends with an older Christian couple that has an extremely diligent wife who could teach her

Is your wife too old to be enrolled in the military? If she isn't taking care of your daughter, sleeping with you, or being much of a companion, boot camp might teach her some discipline.

 

[dallasapple]

Um as to the above advice..I just wanted to chime in on that..you can try those things...but Im not so sure how "affective" they will be..depending on whats going on with her..it seems her issues could run a little deeper than needing a sort of swift kick in the pants by a drill sargeant type approach..I could very well be wrong and Im not saying don't give it a try..i jsut have a sneaking suspicion it wont render you the desired results certainly not long term and maybe not even short..and its possible like I said depending on whats going on with her mentally.it could backfire on you ..or make the situaion worse..I know me..and something like that on me would not have blown over well in my house..

Dallas

 

[JaneFW]

Is your wife too old to be enrolled in the military? If she isn't taking care of your daughter, sleeping with you, or being much of a companion, boot camp might teach her some discipline.

I don't think that you can actually go and enrol your wife in the military given that she's an adult with her own free will.

Is there a head shaking smilie? If not, there should be.

 

[JaneFW]

It's ridiculous to think that a husband can treat his wife like a child and take away her television or put her in boot camp. I'm aware she's not doing a great job of being a wife and mother, but really, this guy is just sitting back and letting this happen apparently without comment - and please also note that he has NOT been back since, so evidently he's not reading this and we're just talking amongst ourselves now! The OP does have responsibility absolutely over and above everything to care for his child if she is being neglected. If his child is hungry when he gets home on a daily basis, then he is responsible for her welfare. Whether it means that he takes his daughter and leaves his home - which is apparently an unbearable place to live - and finds shelter with relatives, or gets an apartment temporarily, and gets daycare for the child, then he is at least taking responsibility and making a contribution. THEN he can say to his wife: "this is the problem: I don't know if you are depressed, I don't know if you are even suicidal, but I will NOT allow you to mistreat our child, and so she and I have moved away until you seek help and are restored to where you can be a proper mother again, because I will NOT have my child taken into care. Our marriage will be restored when you take some steps for the betterment of your health and wellbeing, and the wellbeing of our marriage and home. I will absolutely support you in finding help."

Nobody - wife or husband - is allowed to sit back and watch disaster unfold. It's not at all Biblical. You don't wait for God to work on your spouse alone - you talk to them, and you give them help and support. You take drastic measures where they are required and, in this case, it is required if a child is going hungry. As I have already said, if someone reports that a child is being neglected, and they could, especially teachers or neighbors (I sure would if I knew it), then CPS won't care to hear that "it's my wife's fault". Both parents are equally responsible for that child's wellbeing. Him knowing that his child isn't fed and not dealing with it makes him just as culpable as she is.