My wife and I are incompatible

[dysert]

I'm hoping someone will care to talk with me about my marriage. It's not a good marriage because she and I are incompatible. Incredibly, we've been married for 38 years, and we dated over 6 years before we tied the knot. While I was getting my BS (many years ago) she worked so that we'd have some money for when we got married, which we did 2 weeks after I graduated. I've been the sole breadwinner ever since (except for when our kids were in college, at which time she also worked to help pay their way), and she's been the homemaker - just as we planned. We also had two kids - just as we planned. We've been your typical "Leave It To Beaver" type family.

We are both Christians and have been almost our whole lives. We raised two great kids who are now grown, married, have successful careers, and are now giving us grandchildren. The biggest problem, I think, is that she's social and lives by her feelings, and I'm introverted and live by my head. This translates to my being fairly quiet most of the time while she does most of the talking. There is also a lack of feelings on my part (which results in a variety of complacent behaviors). The stuff I do is all "solo" stuff. For example, I write computer programs (solo), write blog articles and books (solo), and I teach classes both at church and at a local college (solo). So there's little room for my wife in my life, although when she's gone I do miss her.

Except for when I was a boy, I have always been this way. I prefer one-on-one conversations to being part of a group. I preferred sports/games activities that were more geared to one-on-one competition than teams (e.g., tennis, chess, ping-pong). Apparently this incompatibility has simmered in her over the years to where now she is totally turned off about the marriage and doesn't seem to care whether I'm with her or not. Tbh, if we believed divorce was ok and we could afford it, we probably would have split years ago. As it is, we're two roommates living in tension because neither of us talks much except only to say the essentials.

We've been to counseling countless times, read many books, go to church every week and listen to the sermons, but our personalities of course don't change. I think she needs someone who is compassionate, empathetic, sociable, etc. That's not me, and it has never been me.

My hope is that some reader out there will either relate to our plight or have some insight about what our marriage is like so we can talk about it. Neither she nor I want to live in tension all the time, but short of a miracle (which we've both prayed for many times), I don't see a way for us to be happy with each other.

 

[Tolworth John]

If you want your marriage to remain you will have to make the effort to engage with your wife, to talk to her about life, art, music, how she looks, feels, the boring details of what the neighbours are doing.

Try going for a walk in a park and try talking.

A lifetimes habit of not sharing has to change, it won't be easy.

 

[dysert]

If you want your marriage to remain you will have to make the effort to engage with your wife, to talk to her about life, art, music, how she looks, feels, the boring details of what the neighbours are doing.

Try going for a walk in a park and try talking.

A lifetimes habit of not sharing has to change, it won't be easy.

You're so right. It isn't easy. (It's been tried, but I can't seem to sustain it.)

 

[Ahermit]

Try and see the marriage as a blessing. Please let me explain.

The ideal marriage is one which is based on unconditional love. To do this requires ego deflation at depth from both sides. Why? Because all conditionality comes from our ego-fears.

So, in a way, you are already in an ideal marriage because your ego is being challenged left right and centre. The challenge is to surrender your wanting and needing of things to go your way. As long as you have these wants and needs, you will always see differences between yourself and your wife.

Get in touch with what you really love about your wife. Then surrender to that. In surrendering to that you will also surrender your wants and needs because you are already content with the surrendering.

this is how to be humble in a marriage. It is required so a true relationship can be based on relating to each other as opposed to finding differences all the time.

An unconditional marriage should not be a wedding, but a wake for each others ego.

 

[Larniavc]

I'm hoping someone will care to talk with me about my marriage. It's not a good marriage because she and I are incompatible. Incredibly, we've been married for 38 years, and we dated over 6 years before we tied the knot. While I was getting my BS (many years ago) she worked so that we'd have some money for when we got married, which we did 2 weeks after I graduated. I've been the sole breadwinner ever since (except for when our kids were in college, at which time she also worked to help pay their way), and she's been the homemaker - just as we planned. We also had two kids - just as we planned. We've been your typical "Leave It To Beaver" type family.

We are both Christians and have been almost our whole lives. We raised two great kids who are now grown, married, have successful careers, and are now giving us grandchildren. The biggest problem, I think, is that she's social and lives by her feelings, and I'm introverted and live by my head. This translates to my being fairly quiet most of the time while she does most of the talking. There is also a lack of feelings on my part (which results in a variety of complacent behaviors). The stuff I do is all "solo" stuff. For example, I write computer programs (solo), write blog articles and books (solo), and I teach classes both at church and at a local college (solo). So there's little room for my wife in my life, although when she's gone I do miss her.

Except for when I was a boy, I have always been this way. I prefer one-on-one conversations to being part of a group. I preferred sports/games activities that were more geared to one-on-one competition than teams (e.g., tennis, chess, ping-pong). Apparently this incompatibility has simmered in her over the years to where now she is totally turned off about the marriage and doesn't seem to care whether I'm with her or not. Tbh, if we believed divorce was ok and we could afford it, we probably would have split years ago. As it is, we're two roommates living in tension because neither of us talks much except only to say the essentials.

We've been to counseling countless times, read many books, go to church every week and listen to the sermons, but our personalities of course don't change. I think she needs someone who is compassionate, empathetic, sociable, etc. That's not me, and it has never been me.

My hope is that some reader out there will either relate to our plight or have some insight about what our marriage is like so we can talk about it. Neither she nor I want to live in tension all the time, but short of a miracle (which we've both prayed for many times), I don't see a way for us to be happy with each other.

Is there anything positive about the relationship?

 

[dysert]

The challenge is to surrender your wanting and needing of things to go your way.

That's an interesting way to look at it. I never thought I had much of an ego or ever "demanded" that things always go my way, but maybe I have an ego after all and just don't realize it. Of course, she'll have to tell me how she wants things to go, which right now is problematic since she's not talking. I can probably make some educated guesses, though.

 

[AlexDTX]

I'm hoping someone will care to talk with me about my marriage. It's not a good marriage because she and I are incompatible. Incredibly, we've been married for 38 years, and we dated over 6 years before we tied the knot. While I was getting my BS (many years ago) she worked so that we'd have some money for when we got married, which we did 2 weeks after I graduated. I've been the sole breadwinner ever since (except for when our kids were in college, at which time she also worked to help pay their way), and she's been the homemaker - just as we planned. We also had two kids - just as we planned. We've been your typical "Leave It To Beaver" type family.

I don't see how any of us can help. My initial thought was that all men and women are incompatible. After 38 years of marriage, it seems pointless to end the marriage. Not that you said that you want to do that. In my own marriage I choose to love my wife by remembering all the good and ignoring the bad. A Christian marriage should be as though you are not married at all.

1Co 7:29 But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none;
1Co 7:30 And they that weep, as though they wept not; and they that rejoice, as though they rejoiced not; and they that buy, as though they possessed not;
1Co 7:31 And they that use this world, as not abusing it: for the fashion of this world passeth away.

In other words to choose contentment.

Php_4:11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
1Ti_6:8 And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.
Heb_13:5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

For our ultimate marriage is to God.

 

[Galilee63]

The long term best marriages in our Lord Jesus God Holy Spirit and my Holy Blessed Virgin Mother Mary are the ones with incompatibility with some sufferings to be offered up to Jesus God Holy Spirit and Holy Mother Mary Dysert from my heart for what its worth and you can do this by offering up the incompatibility matters to our Lord Jesus immersing your hearts and souls in Jesus Ocean of Mercy, Holy Sacred Wounds, Precious Holy Blood and for Catholics in this similar situation immersing hearts and soul in Holy Mother Mary's Holy Immaculate Heart praying Jesus Holy Wound Chaplet of which does not have the Catholic Creed, for all of the Holy Souls in Purgatory, for souls on their way to eternal damnation and for the Afflicted souls and conversion and salvation of all mankind/sinners.

Turn to Jesus in trust and allow Jesus to take care of your marriage in Him. Just be more wonderfully grateful for your Wife and Children because my uncle now very ill at home (90 years) lost his wife a year ago and he never thought it would impact upon him the way it did - he does not have Children - and still wishes to be at home.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

I'm hoping someone will care to talk with me about my marriage. It's not a good marriage because she and I are incompatible. Incredibly, we've been married for 38 years, and we dated over 6 years before we tied the knot. While I was getting my BS (many years ago) she worked so that we'd have some money for when we got married, which we did 2 weeks after I graduated. I've been the sole breadwinner ever since (except for when our kids were in college, at which time she also worked to help pay their way), and she's been the homemaker - just as we planned. We also had two kids - just as we planned. We've been your typical "Leave It To Beaver" type family.

We are both Christians and have been almost our whole lives. We raised two great kids who are now grown, married, have successful careers, and are now giving us grandchildren. The biggest problem, I think, is that she's social and lives by her feelings, and I'm introverted and live by my head. This translates to my being fairly quiet most of the time while she does most of the talking. There is also a lack of feelings on my part (which results in a variety of complacent behaviors). The stuff I do is all "solo" stuff. For example, I write computer programs (solo), write blog articles and books (solo), and I teach classes both at church and at a local college (solo). So there's little room for my wife in my life, although when she's gone I do miss her.

Except for when I was a boy, I have always been this way. I prefer one-on-one conversations to being part of a group. I preferred sports/games activities that were more geared to one-on-one competition than teams (e.g., tennis, chess, ping-pong). Apparently this incompatibility has simmered in her over the years to where now she is totally turned off about the marriage and doesn't seem to care whether I'm with her or not. Tbh, if we believed divorce was ok and we could afford it, we probably would have split years ago. As it is, we're two roommates living in tension because neither of us talks much except only to say the essentials.

We've been to counseling countless times, read many books, go to church every week and listen to the sermons, but our personalities of course don't change. I think she needs someone who is compassionate, empathetic, sociable, etc. That's not me, and it has never been me.

My hope is that some reader out there will either relate to our plight or have some insight about what our marriage is like so we can talk about it. Neither she nor I want to live in tension all the time, but short of a miracle (which we've both prayed for many times), I don't see a way for us to be happy with each other.

We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. How did Christ love the church? By giving His life for it. We are to lay down our lives for the brethren. Love as described in the Bible is sacrificial and giving to the other person and it is not self centered. Yes, we can have our time to do things for the Lord, but when our relationship is not working out with another person, we have to go the extra mile to love them. Get back to the basics of your marriage. Romance. Also, do loving things for her that you did not do before and expect nothing in return. Jesus says if you love those who love you, then this is no different than what the world does. But if you love those who do not love you, your reward in Heaven will be great. Love; And do not stop loving her no matter how bad things may be. Write down ways of how you can love your wife today and expect nothing in return. If she returns that love, then go with it. But if not, then realize that you have a reward in Heaven for loving her (even though she may not always return that love). Also, it is good to talk out your problems with her in love. Do so while she is in a happy mood and not a bad mood. If she is in a bad mood, then just seek to love her. Pray for your marriage. Do extra little things for her that you know she would like that says you love her.

Important Note:

Remember, put Christ first in your marriage. Follow Jesus and then love your wife. But do make extra efforts to do loving things for her (expecting nothing in return). Just love her because God commands us to love everyone (Including our enemies). Let the love of God flow through your life upon all people. Just love, my friend. That is the key.

 

[GandalfTheWise]

Married 34 years now and I have some sense of what you are talking about. Our marriage went much the same way. She helped me though school, got my graduate degree, and she wanted to stay home with the kids. We definitely have different personalities and interests. I can't seem to get her interested in the stuff I want to do and vice versa. It had started to get very stale. However, things have gotten a lot better in the past few years.

About 10 years ago, I started getting very frustrated with everything in life. As it turns out, that was a prelude to God doing some major work inside me. To make a long story short, He healed a number of things inside me (that I had no clue really needing healing) that made me much happier and more whole. I ended up a lot happier with my wife because I stopped looking to her for some things I had been missing (but hadn't realized it). It's a long story but I'll try to condense it and communicate the relevant highlights.

Maybe 7 or 8 years ago, God started doing some work in my life. Spiritually speaking, I've come to believe that we all carry a lot of spiritual battle injuries and wounds that occurred before we even became Christians. There is an enemy out there that does not want anyone to become the person God created them to be. For me, two particular attacks on me (that I largely succumbed to) were that "I didn't know what I was doing" and that "I wasn't a real man". Through a combination of many events, these things were reinforced into my heart so strongly that I really didn't question them. These lies ended up affecting my behavior and emotions throughout my life. To make a long story short, God brought me to a point where my heart simply rose up and rejected those lies and in a moment it was like a light dawned that "yes, I do know what I'm doing" and "yes, I am a real man". Within a few weeks to a month, both my wife and (then) teenage daughters noticed a huge change in me. To be honest, it felt like the world changed around me. This was after I'd already been a serious Christian for over 30 years.

So, after many years of working on the marriage, reading books together, talking it out, etc. (never went to counseling, but had thought about it), this simple change inside me made a radical change in how I felt about my wife. I was no longer looking to her to make me feel like I was a "real man", I already was. All the books, marriage seminars, etc. had some effect and we did learn a lot of helpful things and I'm glad we did them. But, one of the biggest changes occurred after God changed some deep-seated things inside me that I didn't even realize were there.

I've come to the conclusion that many of us have layers of baggage piled onto us by the world and the enemy that prevent us from being that unique person God created us to be to reflect His glory in a unique way. We've come to believe lies (some from the pit of hell) that were buried into our hearts in weak moments when we couldn't defend ourselves. "I'm clumsy." "I'm stupid." "I'm worthless." "No one could ever love me." "I'm a wimp." "I'm a loser", "I'm ugly." Many of us then incorrectly rationalize these lies and wounds into "desirable" spiritual traits. Speaking for myself, I put my lack of self-confidence (and the lie that I didn't know what I was doing) into the "desirable" category of being meek and putting others first.

One of the books that heavily influenced me during this time was "Waking the Dead" by John Eldridge. I also started hanging out on a forum run by his ministry (that sadly closed down a number of years ago). There were a lot of people going through the same type of journey and I learned a lot from reading their past posts and testimonies as well as interacting with them. There was one fellow from England who wrote a series of detailed posts regarding how God healed him of a number of things that I learned a lot from. I'm kicking myself that I never copied that thread before the forums closed.

One of the big things that happened inside me is that I started to see everyone as being a unique creation of God. Since then, I've felt this compulsion to try to see inside people to see who that special creation of God is (that is often hiding deep within). I kind of liken it to mining for gold, lots of digging through layers of mud and sand to find the real treasure that is there.

I shared a lot of this with my family at the time (probably overwhelmed them with it too much ) but I think it did have some influence on them as well including my wife.

Anyway, I toss this out as a possibility.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

Little things she says like, "Can you come to the bed" and you are still doing your thing and not going to bed with her until waaay later is not helping (if that is what is happening in your marriage). If she says, "Come to the bed", you jump up and drop what you are doing. Then again, you should also take the initiative to be with her instead of leaving her alone (when you are both in the same house) (if that is what is happening). Remember, to love and do not expect there to be an immediate change right away. It may take time for your loving her for her to warm up to you. But even if that never happens (Which I hope is not the case). Love her anyways. Love her. Keep loving her because God desires us to love all people (even the unlovable ones). Let your love be a shining example for Christ. Most of the time, marriages do not work because they want something in return. While marriages should be synergistic, we as Christians should not live this life to serve ourselves and our own pleasures alone. We should seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things like love, peace, and true fulfillment in this life will be known to us. If you do not find that love in your marriage, you can at least get it from God and be a guiding light to your wife until maybe she breaks to the fire of your love (that comes from Christ living in you). So let your light shine and get out of your comfort zone and love her. Just remember to try and include her in your desire to be closer to God. Buy her flowers. Write her a love letter. Kiss her unexpectedly. Buy her a diamond ring and tell her you want to marry her all over again and be on bended knee. Romance her. Love her. But never take your eyes of God. You can love her by also having a passion for Christ. There needs to be a balance. Pray for the Lord to help you in your marriage to love her more and for her to be receptive. Pray and do not stop praying even if you live on 50 years from now and she does not change. Never stop praying and loving her. Live your faith and be a good testimony for the Lord no matter who receives your love or not.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

Read 1 Corinthians 13 to yourself every day. Then try to live it. Try to find all things about how to love in the New Testament. Then put them into action.

 

[RDKirk]

I'm hoping someone will care to talk with me about my marriage. It's not a good marriage because she and I are incompatible. Incredibly, we've been married for 38 years, and we dated over 6 years before we tied the knot. While I was getting my BS (many years ago) she worked so that we'd have some money for when we got married, which we did 2 weeks after I graduated. I've been the sole breadwinner ever since (except for when our kids were in college, at which time she also worked to help pay their way), and she's been the homemaker - just as we planned. We also had two kids - just as we planned. We've been your typical "Leave It To Beaver" type family.

We are both Christians and have been almost our whole lives. We raised two great kids who are now grown, married, have successful careers, and are now giving us grandchildren. The biggest problem, I think, is that she's social and lives by her feelings, and I'm introverted and live by my head. This translates to my being fairly quiet most of the time while she does most of the talking. There is also a lack of feelings on my part (which results in a variety of complacent behaviors). The stuff I do is all "solo" stuff. For example, I write computer programs (solo), write blog articles and books (solo), and I teach classes both at church and at a local college (solo). So there's little room for my wife in my life, although when she's gone I do miss her.

Except for when I was a boy, I have always been this way. I prefer one-on-one conversations to being part of a group. I preferred sports/games activities that were more geared to one-on-one competition than teams (e.g., tennis, chess, ping-pong). Apparently this incompatibility has simmered in her over the years to where now she is totally turned off about the marriage and doesn't seem to care whether I'm with her or not. Tbh, if we believed divorce was ok and we could afford it, we probably would have split years ago. As it is, we're two roommates living in tension because neither of us talks much except only to say the essentials.

We've been to counseling countless times, read many books, go to church every week and listen to the sermons, but our personalities of course don't change. I think she needs someone who is compassionate, empathetic, sociable, etc. That's not me, and it has never been me.

My hope is that some reader out there will either relate to our plight or have some insight about what our marriage is like so we can talk about it. Neither she nor I want to live in tension all the time, but short of a miracle (which we've both prayed for many times), I don't see a way for us to be happy with each other.

Your story reads much like mine in most ways, although I was clear on that understanding earlier on, and by the fifth year of our marriage, it was on the rocks and we both knew it.

One day I was upstairs in the bedroom praying earnestly, "Lord, show me how to save my marriage."

The Holy Spirit came to me and said, "Husband, love your wife." I recognized he was giving me Ephesians 5. And I knew what He really meant: Do all those mushy things she had asked me time and time again to do for her.

I argued with the Holy Spirit: Look, that stuff isn't necessary. I bring the money home, I don't go out, I'm not messing with other women. I do what I'm supposed to do.

The Holy Spirit said to me again, "Husband, love your wife, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it."

I continued the debate: Okay, what if I do all that and she still doesn't respond?

Holy Spirit: "What she does is my business. Are you going to obey me?"

So I got off my knees. "If you're going to put it that way. Okay. I'll obey you, regardless what she does. And I'll tell her so."

I headed downstairs.

My wife met me halfway up the stairs with something to say to me. I let her speak first (because I still didn't really want to say what I had to say).

She said she had been in the kitchen praying to the Lord, "Tell me how to save my marriage."

She said the Holy Spirit had told her, "Wife, submit to your husband."

She had argued it was useless because I'd never change, until the Holy Spirit told her, "What he does is my business. Will you obey me?"

So she agreed to obey the Lord regardless of what I did, and was coming upstairs to tell me.

So, have we both changed our personalities? No, we haven't. I'm still the self-satisfied introvert, she's still the extrovert who loves having mushy attention paid to her.

But I make the effort to rule over my flesh rather than letting it rule over me, and so does she. I make deliberate plans for things we can do together, and she delights in those plans to a far greater degree than I think necessary...but that's her.

We are partners in life. We work together to make it through. And since we're both decent people with good hearts, amiable personalities, and a common love of Jesus, there is no reason we can't be happy to be "friends with benefits" at the same time. That was back in 1988. We've been married 35 years now.

Here is an analogy for husbands:

You know how sometimes you lay wrong on your arm and it "goes to sleep?"

It's giving you all these pins and needles as though something is horribly wrong with it. You look at it--nothing is wrong. Your arm is okay. It's perfectly fine. Yet, it's still giving you grief as though something is wrong.

So what do you do? Even though you see absolutely nothing wrong with your arm, you change your position.

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.

 

[blessedmomof5]

That's an interesting way to look at it. I never thought I had much of an ego or ever "demanded" that things always go my way, but maybe I have an ego after all and just don't realize it. Of course, she'll have to tell me how she wants things to go, which right now is problematic since she's not talking. I can probably make some educated guesses, though.

Perhaps you could sit her down and tell her you'd like to have a loving conversation?
And how you believe what you stated above? Which is humbling yourself and then tell her your from today you are a new man, and you'd love to hear all about what would make her happy in the relationship? Guessing probably isn't a good idea. Talking about it and Praying with her is!
God Bless you and your Marriage

 

[ValleyGal]

There seems to be a lot of advice on here about husbands loving their wives, and this is good advice. But first things first. Reconciliation comes before restoration.

I wonder how your wife feels, that her husband has been so absorbed in his own life that he has no time or energy left for hers. I suspect she feels rejected, alone and lonely, hurt, resentful, angry, disillusioned, unloved, not good enough, unwanted, unappreciated...the list can go on. A lifetime of those feelings....

What is reconciliation? It is the process of restoring a right relationship. It starts with the offender and involves confession, repentance, and penance. Confession is a specific, formal admission of the specific offense. Repentance is a genuine expression of sorrow for the offense and a request for forgiveness. Penance is accepting and paying the consequences of the offense. This is not to be confused with the offended person's desire for vengeance; rather, it is the natural outcome of the offense.

Since reconciliation takes two, it is also up to your spouse to work on it in the form of accepting your confession, repentance, and penance, and choosing to not hold 38 years of hurt feelings against you. She might have a hard time trusting there will be lasting change, but she will not seek you to pay for your disengagement from her. That does not mean she won't have feelings about it. She will still feel all those emotions I mentioned earlier - but forgiveness means she is not going to make you pay for her feelings. As time goes on and she chooses mercy and grace to win over hurt and resentment, her feelings will soften. In fact, if she is resentful, just the fact that you express your sincere regret over disengaging from the marital relationship will help to start her heart softening.

Remember this is a process. It took 38 years to get where you are - it is going to take possibly years to completely reconcile the relationship. As this process goes on, I really, really encourage you to invest in the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Gottman and Silver. In it, he talks about love maps - and this is likely a good chunk of what your marriage lacks. It's about thinking of your relationship like Google maps. You can zoom out and see the major highways and arteries (a disengaged relationship), and you can zoom in and see even the finest details of back alleys and to get even more intimate, you can continue to zoom in until you can get the street view, including house numbers, trees, road signs, etc. That is what you should be aiming for in your marriage - get to know her so well that you intimately know the fine details of her and her life. Another thing you might be missing according to Gottman's book is the idea of creating shared meaning. In fact, you might even want to find a Gottman-trained therapist near you - you can find a therapist near you on his website.

Once you have started this reconciliation process, start internalizing how Jesus loves the church... by serving her (Jesus washed his disciples's feet and he served his followers by feeding them fish and bread, etc), by sacrificing for her (his very life, his own will, etc), and by submitting to her best interest (submission is about placing someone else above you, and Jesus demonstrated this by humility, considering the church ahead of himself).

We as believers are called to love one another and to submit to one another, to serve one another, even at cost to ourselves. This love starts at home in the family, as we the church are his bride.

 

[RDKirk]

The problem with formal reconciliation as a first step is that (that is, "first step one, then step two") is that unlike someone having been sinned against as an act of commission, this is a sin of omission.

With a sin of commission, there may be the necessary step of reversing the effects of the the previous wrong--restoring the loss. There is no "penance" to be paid in this kind of situation. The first step with a sin of omission is simply to start doing that which you have not been doing.

That doesn't mean there can't or shouldn't be a dialog going on about how you want to set the direction of the relationship going forward, but it's not a "first step, second step" process.

 

[dysert]

I appreciate all your replies, and I'm glad to hear from a female representative . Oddly enough, just today our pastor started a series on *relationships* of all things. He said the first thing to focus on is KNOWING. Communicating with each other so that we know each other better. I can do that, but it does take two to tango. Somehow she has to get over her fear of being hurt yet again and open up to me. The thing is, I can't guarantee that I won't hurt her again :-(.

 

[RDKirk]

I appreciate all your replies, and I'm glad to hear from a female representative . Oddly enough, just today our pastor started a series on *relationships* of all things. He said the first thing to focus on is KNOWING. Communicating with each other so that we know each other better. I can do that, but it does take two to tango. Somehow she has to get over her fear of being hurt yet again and open up to me. The thing is, I can't guarantee that I won't hurt her again :-(.

Well, heck, I totally thought my wife's birthday was yesterday when it was actually Friday. I figured it out Friday morning when she gave me that, "Well....?"

But I'm a lot better most of the time than I was years ago, and when she saw what I did have planned for Saturday, that made it better. She just told me a couple of hours ago that the was her best birthday weekend ever.

I'm not sure of that--I think I've done better. But it did start out as a fail.

 

[ValleyGal]

Whether a sin is a commission or an omission, it is still sin and needs repentance. Penance is the natural or logical consequence of the sin. In dysert's case, the sin, whether commission or omission, still requires him to accept that his wife is likely not going to immediately respond well to his relational initiatives. The consequence is that he is going to have to be intentional, deliberate and consistent in the changes he makes before she can trust him again.

If he just starts doing what he's been omitting all along, chances are she will become suspicious and cautious and wonder what he wants or is up to. That is natural when someone suddenly changes without an explanation. Additionally, I disagree that this is a sin of omission. He has withdrawn himself from her life and their marriage relationship. That is not just a passive omission. He deliberately filled up his own life with things that left her out. He committed a sin of withdrawing and neglecting the one person in the world he was supposed to be connecting with. This needs to be reconciled, and I see absolutely no reason that reconciliation shouldn't start with his heartfelt and genuine confession and repentance, and acknowledging the damage that this has caused in their marriage and to her.

 

[RDKirk]

Whether a sin is a commission or an omission, it is still sin and needs repentance. Penance is the natural or logical consequence of the sin. In dysert's case, the sin, whether commission or omission, still requires him to accept that his wife is likely not going to immediately respond well to his relational initiatives. The consequence is that he is going to have to be intentional, deliberate and consistent in the changes he makes before she can trust him again.

If he just starts doing what he's been omitting all along, chances are she will become suspicious and cautious and wonder what he wants or is up to. That is natural when someone suddenly changes without an explanation. Additionally, I disagree that this is a sin of omission. He has withdrawn himself from her life and their marriage relationship. That is not just a passive omission. He deliberately filled up his own life with things that left her out. He committed a sin of withdrawing and neglecting the one person in the world he was supposed to be connecting with. This needs to be reconciled, and I see absolutely no reason that reconciliation shouldn't start with his heartfelt and genuine confession and repentance, and acknowledging the damage that this has caused in their marriage and to her.

You're presuming it's all on him.