My teenage son hates his father

[kat69]

What do you do when your teenager son (almost 16) seems to literally hate his father?? I'm not talking about the "so-called" hate that teenagers proclaim towards their parents when they get angry and say things they don't mean. I'm talking about never having a good thing to say about them, not believing they are loved by this parent and stuff along this line. See, the men on my husband's side of the family are all alike temperant wise and all have a terrible relationship with one another. I thought it would get better but it seems to get worse. I always try and tell our son all the good things about his father and how much he loves him but he doesn't want to hear about it at all. My husband and I have had marital issues over the years and have tried counseling but it only works for a short bit and then its back to where its currently at. Also, there is the fact that our husband got angry at his mother and our oldest son last September and has literally cut them out of his life. Prayers and advice would be greatly appreciated.

Kat

 

[Blue sapphire]

What do you do when your teenager son (almost 16) seems to literally hate his father?? I'm not talking about the "so-called" hate that teenagers proclaim towards their parents when they get angry and say things they don't mean. I'm talking about never having a good thing to say about them, not believing they are loved by this parent and stuff along this line. See, the men on my husband's side of the family are all alike temperant wise and all have a terrible relationship with one another. I thought it would get better but it seems to get worse. I always try and tell our son all the good things about his father and how much he loves him but he doesn't want to hear about it at all. My husband and I have had marital issues over the years and have tried counseling but it only works for a short bit and then its back to where its currently at. Also, there is the fact that our husband got angry at his mother and our oldest son last September and has literally cut them out of his life. Prayers and advice would be greatly appreciated.

Kat

Difficult situations....often mired in spiritual darkness.

Unless the father in this case sees the trend and is willing to identify the causes....nothing will change. Forgivness and longsuffering are great virtues....yet it is the individual who must come to this realisation.

This is part of the problem and even though you cannot change his thinking....there is much you can do by the way you handle the situations as they transpire.

Understand that God has a plan for your family and it could well be that that plan involves you coming to a greater understanding of the issues at hand and acquiring the wisdom to unravel the spiritual darkness that is surrounding you.

This will take years and the way forward most challenging.....yet with Jesus on your side and leaning on the wisdom from above....your path forward can be most rewarding.

To be a part of and contribute to the breaking up of spiritual darkness in your family will be a most satisfying experience.

Your relationship with your Saviour will grow in depth and breath and your relationship with God will come to a new realisation.

This could not have been achieved in the same way unless these set of circumstances had of prevailed.

So there is a challenge before you.....it is what you wish to do with this challenge that counts.

May God be with you as you seek to serve Him.

 

[PolarBear3]

I don't have any experience with this kind of situation, but along with pointing out the good things about his dad, do you also acknowledge your son's hurt, sadness, anger, etc. about his dad? I think there is a difference between hating someone and being angry or hurt by someone. Helping your son distinguish those feelings might be helpful. Also, helping your son remember that we all have our flaws and that God loves every one of us (including his dad) despite our flaws might also be helpful. It doesn't sound like his dad or the men in his dad's family are good role models for relating to others ... Are there other men in your son's life who show him how to have good relationships?

I hope something that I've said is helpful. You will be in my prayers.

 

[Johnnz]

If your husband behave in such a way that he does not earn the respect of his son there a real problems. If he gets angry then why can't son get angry too - your son is simply modelling dad's behaviour at something he does not like.

It seems there are long term relationship issues within your husband's family. They will continue spiritually and within your family until and unless he changes. All you can do then is to build as strong a relationship with your son as you can, and don't feel the need to protect your husband's faults. That can make your son angry at you for just taking all the **** from him that he dishes out.

John
NZ

 

[mcorton]

Did your son's attitude begin when his dad had the fight with his mother and your oldest son? If so there may be some unforgiveness if the boy loves his brother and grandmother.

It could also be that the boy has some sins in his life that his father's good traits may bring conviction. He may not hate his father but may feel inferior because inside he feels he can't meet expectations.(even if the expectations are only in the boy's mind) Not sure I'm making clear what I mean. If not please ask for clarification.

Watch carefully and see if there are any situations that seem to feed the fire. Is the father in his life evryday? You might suggest the boy start a journal where he can write out his feelings. Doing so can help him vent and possibly get a better understanding himself why he feels the way he does.

 

[visionary]

Sit down with your son and see if you can dig deep enough to truly understand his point of view with you defending your hubby. You may be not helping with your allowances for your husband's behavior.

 

[Ted Myrrh]

Kat, First your son and his father's relationship is not your responsibility. its possible your whole family pattern has boundary issues if you have an over developed sense of responsibility. I understand your frustration and desire to help. you can help them by encouraging them to take responsibility for the broken relationship and to talk directly to one another. your son's anger should be listened to and his feelings validated and encourage him to express his anger directly and both parents should listen and encourage him to talk openly about his anger.....this is safe relationship when children's emotions are not "wrong" or suppressed but brought into the light of truth and grace. "Do not let the sun go down on your anger or you give the devil a foothold". through neglecting free expression of anger satan may have setup a stronghold in relationships. Anger is a secondary emotion, something more vulnerable it usually protects, hurt, sadness, fears, loss, grief. by talking freely and encouraging safe discussion anger loses its defense/attack/protective posture and more vulnerable feelings can surface where healing and forgiveness can begin. It's possible your husband may have deeply hurt your son in ways neither of your know or understand. the only way to heal it is to build safety and trust and open dialog between the people where the issues exist.......if you have been triangulating and mediating between them this is an inapropriate and unhealthy dynamic possibly. you may need a trained counselor to help identify family patters if "triangulation" exists. As you identify patterns and begin to change it will get very difficult as everyone in the family may be used to unhealthy patterns..so you will need support and understanding from outside the family. Be especially sensitive to not blaming one another but listening caring and making an individual feel heard by not reacting and reflecting statements let the person know their anger is heard and validated, even if you dont agree with their experience or see it the same way. If people feel heard and accepted then its easier to talk about "wrongs" commited without condemnation . safety trust and listening and open dialog with direct communication should always be encouraged. Also people will be judged the way they judge so encourage everyone involved to take an honest look at their own faults before dealing with someone elses faults. "First take the log out of your own eye before you take the speck out of your brother's eye" psychological projection happens when we see our faults on someone else.....so everyone should begin owning their problems and weaknesses before beginning to communicate problems with someone else. a good counselor again may be needed, someone outside the family that is unbiased and lovingly truthful. If the father is not a safe person and willing to change and work on himself or admit his faults I highly recommend your son get a male counselor to talk to on a regular basis as he will need an unbiased male mentor/counselor to help him work through some of the problems if his father is unwilling, unchanging or unsafe. I wanna make sure im not saying or suggesting its anyone fault.......this is not about placeing blame creating an environment for truth and grace and light to come into relationships. the parents have the greater responsibility in any relationship to model the changes they want to see in their children. if your son has trouble forgiving then the parents should model asking for forgiveness and forgiving others infront of the son...demonstrating humilty and being"peacemakers".

 

[Ted Myrrh]

if you point out the good things in the father it may "invalidate" the hurts that he has. good and bad are not the issue. forgiveness is and integrating the fact that we all make mistakes and sin and we all need forgiveness. pointing out the fathers "good qualities" is the wrong approach. The Gospel of jesus is "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousnes, IF we say we have no sin we make God out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives" there may be what is called a "good bad split" so stop thinking in terms of good or bad, right or wrong, and switch to love motivation, listening, vulnerability, caring, sharing, trust, freedom. Good and bad thinking leads to black and white and "hiding patters" "If we live in the light as HE is in the light we have fellowship with one another and the blood of jesus cleanses us from all sins" THINK trusting the grace of God which is the only thing that can bring people out of hiding and leading to forgiveness. confessing our faults is something both parents should model......and allowing others to own their faults by setting boundaries places the responsibility on the person it belongs with.

 

[Ted Myrrh]

mom......one strong step you can take is not getting in the middle and listening to your son's anger of the fathers anger.......force them together by stepping out of the middle. and saying "you need to talk to your dad" or "you need to talk to your son" if they dont have you to vent to or to mediate then they will be encouraged to work it out. you take yourself out of the situation giving youself freedom and encouraging direct conversation at the same time. this is a strong boundary you shoudl be setting not only for your son but for yourself and your husbands sake. be very mindful that you might not be enabling the division by playing "go-between"