My mom is cheating on my dad

[WeAreNeverAlone]

I'm not even sure what advice I want right now. This is kind of hard to write because it's really painful. A few days ago I borrowed her phone (she wasn't present) to find a contact and I saw a number I didn't recognize. So I clicked on it out of curiosity and I found the texts and pictures. It was just something I wish I had never seen. My whole life I looked up to my mom with her faith, and now I'm just feeling so disappointed. It's not like I am angry at her, because no matter how hard I try I cannot be. I just don't understand and I feel so hurt by it. For as long as I can remember she has struggled with accusing my dad of "looking" at other women. Just an extreme version of jealousy. But I know he hasn't and in fact he is constantly doing things for her, and me, and he's just this good person. He's not perfect, and he tends to get angry sometimes, but still. I'm not going to tell him. I'm not sure I can tell anybody, except on here because I need to talk about it. It's not like I'm asking if I should forgive her, or tell somebody. I just don't know what to do though. I don't how to deal with this. My mom has drifted down a darker path in these past few years. She's just so unhappy with herself and I can tell. I'm just really hurt by this.. I don't know why she would want to hurt my dad like this... I don't think he knows. He's clueless. But mostly I am concerned with my mom... this just proves how much she has fallen. Mostly, I guess I am just looking for prayers for my mom to come back to us and turn from this path she is on and look to God, and helping me to discover what God would want me to do about this.

 

[God bless Joshua]

She is an ungrateful and treacherous woman, if your dad find out about this she will be discarded.
All you could do is pretending you just dont see and pray for her and save your parents from divorce and ask God to give her a good lesson.

Trust God!!!

 

[LoricaLady]

I pray that your mother will turn from what you call her dark path. I don't know what the Heavenly Father would have you to do, but it seems to me personally that you should speak to her since she claims to be a believer. Her soul is at stake. You sound kind and compassionate, not angry or critical and that is all to the good in terms of her possibly listening to you.

 

[paul1149]

I just don't know what to do though. I don't how to deal with this.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I pray for peace and clarity for you.

I think the foundational thing to do is to remain in prayer about it. Seek the Lord's peace, and don't do anything without it. His wisdom is bound up with His peace, according to James 3, and He will give wisdom if you ask, as in James 1.

I wouldn't confront directly, at least not until I had given it ample time and knew I would be doing it in respect and love (Gal 6.1). But I think the better way to deal with this is to keep seeking the Lord's wisdom for yourself, and only then, if the door is perhaps open, drop very gentle, oblique seeds, not to expose her in any way, but to make her think about her situation in broader perspective.

But it depends on the kind of relationship you have with your mom. The most important thing is to do everything with a spirit of peace, which is the way the Lord confirms the right way.

 

[HereIStand]

Oh my. That's terrible. Will pray for the situation.

 

[now faith]

Will Pray for your family ,I know this is a very disturbing time for you.
I believe it was God's intervention that brought this to light.
I would go to Her and tell her how you feel,in hopes her compassion would bring a end to this affair.
You cannot judge this until you know what is truly going on.
Your knowing holds Her accountable for Her actions,as well you may not understand the complexity of Her life.
God Bless you and keep you.

 

[SeventyOne]

Hope that she wises up before it's too late. My wife cheated on me early in our marriage and I found out about it back then. I've since forgiven her and it's been about 17 years ago now but my full trust in her has never been restored. You remember this about your mother from now until long after she is gone. Sorry. It's a tough thing for anyone to go through. I just hope that if there is a best case scenario, that's the one you'll be granted.

 

[Hammster]

This is something that needs to be handled in your local church. You must bring this up to your pastor.

 

[mukk_in]

I'm not even sure what advice I want right now. This is kind of hard to write because it's really painful. A few days ago I borrowed her phone (she wasn't present) to find a contact and I saw a number I didn't recognize. So I clicked on it out of curiosity and I found the texts and pictures. It was just something I wish I had never seen. My whole life I looked up to my mom with her faith, and now I'm just feeling so disappointed. It's not like I am angry at her, because no matter how hard I try I cannot be. I just don't understand and I feel so hurt by it. For as long as I can remember she has struggled with accusing my dad of "looking" at other women. Just an extreme version of jealousy. But I know he hasn't and in fact he is constantly doing things for her, and me, and he's just this good person. He's not perfect, and he tends to get angry sometimes, but still. I'm not going to tell him. I'm not sure I can tell anybody, except on here because I need to talk about it. It's not like I'm asking if I should forgive her, or tell somebody. I just don't know what to do though. I don't how to deal with this. My mom has drifted down a darker path in these past few years. She's just so unhappy with herself and I can tell. I'm just really hurt by this.. I don't know why she would want to hurt my dad like this... I don't think he knows. He's clueless. But mostly I am concerned with my mom... this just proves how much she has fallen. Mostly, I guess I am just looking for prayers for my mom to come back to us and turn from this path she is on and look to God, and helping me to discover what God would want me to do about this.

Praying about this situation. It's truly sad. Dont lose hope and faith in God. He has a way of making many wrongs right. God bless you child.

 

[Endeavourer]

Hi WeAreNeverAlone,

If you want your parents to stay married, the best chance of them surviving an affair is for you to tell your dad, and your dad to follow a very specific series of actions that will cause the affair to end and recover their marriage.

Give him these links:

Coping with Infidelity: The End (Part 2)
Coping with Infidelity: Restoring (Part 3)

Either buy the book "Surviving and Affair" by Dr. Williard Harley or tell him to get it. Optionally, nearly all of the material in the book can be found for free on the web site marriagebuilders.com.

Dr. Harley is a very experienced expert at saving marriages who have affairs. He has a lifetime of research and observations about what actions will successfully end affairs and restore marriages, so he advises people based on what has been successful with 10,000's of other couples.

It's very important that your father know the truth about his life so he can take appropriate action to protect his family and his marriage. The worst thing you can do is not tell him the truth.

May God bless you and your family. May he give your dad the strength he'll need in the coming weeks and months.
E.

 

[Endeavourer]

PS: Do not tell your mom what you have discovered and ask your dad to look at those links before confronting her. Ask him to post in the marriagebuilders.com forum for step by step help before confronting your mom. The volunteers there have helped many marriages survive affairs - resulting in better marriages after the affair than before the affair - and the free forums are personally supervised by Dr. Harley.

 

[Endeavourer]

It is possible for your dad to restore full trust and confidence in your mom if she is willing to "affair-proof" their marriage.

First, the links (and the marriagebuilders.com forum) will help him take the steps to break your mom's addiction to this other man. Then they will help him be her hero as her affair falls apart so she falls in love with him again and truly sees the affair for the disaster that it is. Then, they will help him with a plan for boundaries to set his mind to ease that she is not in contact with either that man or any other man.

For couples that recover their marriage using techniques that have proven to be successful, the affair becomes a distant past memory because their present is very happy and secure. Your parents can have a better marriage than before.

 

[Endeavourer]

He's not perfect, and he tends to get angry sometimes,

Marriages can survive infidelity but they cannot survive anger.

Make him promise to act strategically instead of in anger when you tell him. Strategy will get him everywhere. Anger will destroy your family.

 

[Phil 1:21]

First question: how old are you? If you are a grown adult, confronting your mother may be the best course of action. If you're a child, maybe not so much.

 

[WeAreNeverAlone]

Will Pray for your family ,I know this is a very disturbing time for you.
I believe it was God's intervention that brought this to light.
I would go to Her and tell her how you feel,in hopes her compassion would bring a end to this affair.
You cannot judge this until you know what is truly going on.
Your knowing holds Her accountable for Her actions,as well you may not understand the complexity of Her life.
God Bless you and keep you.

Yes I know that I cannot judge her or anybody else because only God can see everything, and I am bound by human limitations. Not only that, but it would be hypocritical to judge her sins when I too have sinned. John 8:3-8 - The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

This is something that needs to be handled in your local church. You must bring this up to your pastor.

We do not have a church. We used to go but do not anymore. I have prompted a few times to go back but so far it's at a standstill. I am hoping to at least go there on Christmas. And besides, I am not sure what a church would do besides give judgment which is something that won't help. That is one reason I don't like some churches is because people I have encountered there are so hypocritical and use God as an excuse to put themselves higher than other people.

Hi WeAreNeverAlone,

If you want your parents to stay married, the best chance of them surviving an affair is for you to tell your dad, and your dad to follow a very specific series of actions that will cause the affair to end and recover their marriage.

Give him these links:

Coping with Infidelity: The End (Part 2)
Coping with Infidelity: Restoring (Part 3)

Either buy the book "Surviving and Affair" by Dr. Williard Harley or tell him to get it. Optionally, nearly all of the material in the book can be found for free on the web site marriagebuilders.com.

Dr. Harley is a very experienced expert at saving marriages who have affairs. He has a lifetime of research and observations about what actions will successfully end affairs and restore marriages, so he advises people based on what has been successful with 10,000's of other couples.

It's very important that your father know the truth about his life so he can take appropriate action to protect his family and his marriage. The worst thing you can do is not tell him the truth.

May God bless you and your family. May he give your dad the strength he'll need in the coming weeks and months.
E.

Well I'll have to continue to pray about that matter and decide if my dad would be willing to do something like that. But for now I will hold off.

First question: how old are you? If you are a grown adult, confronting your mother may be the best course of action. If you're a child, maybe not so much.

I'm 17... so kinda inbetween. I do believe that "adult" is more of a mindset than an age however. But no, I am not going to directly confront her because that could end badly.

Thank you for all of the prayers and replies. Some of them have helped me to put it into perspective. For now I will just pray about it myself and take it slow, because I don't want my emotions to lead me to do something I'll regret. I'm using this situation to grow in my faith because it's really the only thing that I have to truly depend on and trust in.

 

[Endeavourer]

Well I'll have to continue to pray about that matter and decide if my dad would be willing to do something like that. But for now I will hold off.

The sooner your dad can intervene and stop the affair, the more likely your parents' marriage can be saved.

The longer the affair goes on, the deeper entrenched it becomes and the more the affair partners will throw away the rest of their lives to continue it on.

Look at it as an addiction. Your mom is very addicted to this other man - she would have to be in order to literally jeopardize her children's' home for her contact with this man. You can compare it to her being inhabited by an alien right now - > she isn't really the mom you know right now.

If you just wait and see about an addiction, it will only get worse and deeper. It's best to hit it asap.

Plus, it's not fair to your dad. He's trying so hard to make his marriage work but it has a terrible case of cancer and he doesn't know it. He's treating cancer with an aspirin instead of chemotherapy.

Just make your dad promise to be strategic instead of act out in anger. Tell him to put together a plan to save his marriage before confronting your mom. Not having a plan = a plan to fail.

Did you read the links I attached for you?

 

[Endeavourer]

Yes I know that I cannot judge her or anybody else because only God can see everything, and I am bound by human limitations. Not only that, but it would be hypocritical to judge her sins when I too have sinned.

WeAreNeverAlone, I wouldn't dwell on the idea of it being a sin; that will work itself out as the situation is resolved.

Your main concern is that it's an addiction that won't go away without intervention. The reason she has not been herself is because people who are addicted are usually not very happy about it but they can't help it.

If your daughter was addicted to cocaine, you wouldn't just dismiss it as a sin - that you have yours and she has hers. You would want to intervene in the addiction, remove her access to cocaine, and etc etc. It's the same thing with your mom. Unless there is an intervention, she will continue down this path. The longer she continues down the path, the harder it is to arrest the addiction.

Imagine that you were a parent. You would move heaven and earth to keep your precious babies from harm and for them to not experience a crushing disaster because of your carelessness. Your mom used to be that mom, but she allowed herself to become friends with this other man to the extent that she started enjoying his company so much that the security of her children's home become less important than this man - in fact, until it was so much less important that she was willing to destroy your home to get her "fix". That is the behavior of an addict.

However, your real mom is still in there somewhere. Once your dad has a strategic plan to break up her affair, it is very likely that your real mom will realize what she is doing, be horrified by it and will snap back into her body.

It's really important that your dad get help by people who have been very successful at breaking up affairs, with a tried and true method. It's a method that takes into consideration the addictive nature of affairs and how to break the addiction. Without breaking the addiction, the affair usually trickles on and the marriage is ultimately not salvageable.

The links I gave you will get him started.