- May 14, 2024
- 33
- 116
- 37
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Divorced
I think I will try and tell you a little bit of a story about my darkest time in life so you may understand a little more about why I am asking for healing. It may sound strange or even ridiculous but I can tell you it is as real as this earth we live on.
My darkest part in my life wasn't my child hood( though not to say it wasn't painful) but it was late last year. I have had other people take care of me my whole life and never really understood why I could never figure most things out on my own. But late last year everything fell completely apart and ended up having to leave my family because they didn't understand how bad my brain issues were getting. I moved in with my parents(which I am greatful for) and they were trying to help me figure out all that was wrong with me. But there I was fighting my own battles trying to be the man that I thought I should/could be but it was impossible and only left me in tears. The pain was more than I could bare so I was thinking of ending my life. I told my parents about this and of course they were very worried about me ( I don't blame them).So they took me to the hospital( I can't think very well so I thought they were trying to help me figure out why my brain isn't functioning properly) and they did run a few tests but obviously didn't find anything. I was later sent to and admitted into a mental hospital for those with suicidal thoughts or intentions. It was a complete nightmare for me as my brain doesn't hardly question anything. They gave me medication for my anxiety but it just raised my blood pressure and made things worse. And then they talk about walking up and down the halls but with how my brain works I couldn't do that because there were others walking and I can't figure out how to avoid them and they would get angry. So then I would try to read but I cant understand alot of what I read or remember much of it at all so it just felt so fake. I tried as hard as I could to look like I was normal so they wouldn't send me to some place worse because I wouldn't have survived. Most of my time was spent acting like I am watching TV ( don't hardly know what's going on with anything on TV) laying in bed and reading(fake reading and oh yeah shaking and trembling the whole time, trying to bock out all the screams and when the workers would talk to other patients I can't block any of it out so I hear things that I wish I didn't) most people don't have a clue what it means to live a nightmare but that is all I know. I don't understand why my brain works the way it does but it feels like part of it is missing and I want it all… so I can finally have relief..
My darkest part in my life wasn't my child hood( though not to say it wasn't painful) but it was late last year. I have had other people take care of me my whole life and never really understood why I could never figure most things out on my own. But late last year everything fell completely apart and ended up having to leave my family because they didn't understand how bad my brain issues were getting. I moved in with my parents(which I am greatful for) and they were trying to help me figure out all that was wrong with me. But there I was fighting my own battles trying to be the man that I thought I should/could be but it was impossible and only left me in tears. The pain was more than I could bare so I was thinking of ending my life. I told my parents about this and of course they were very worried about me ( I don't blame them).So they took me to the hospital( I can't think very well so I thought they were trying to help me figure out why my brain isn't functioning properly) and they did run a few tests but obviously didn't find anything. I was later sent to and admitted into a mental hospital for those with suicidal thoughts or intentions. It was a complete nightmare for me as my brain doesn't hardly question anything. They gave me medication for my anxiety but it just raised my blood pressure and made things worse. And then they talk about walking up and down the halls but with how my brain works I couldn't do that because there were others walking and I can't figure out how to avoid them and they would get angry. So then I would try to read but I cant understand alot of what I read or remember much of it at all so it just felt so fake. I tried as hard as I could to look like I was normal so they wouldn't send me to some place worse because I wouldn't have survived. Most of my time was spent acting like I am watching TV ( don't hardly know what's going on with anything on TV) laying in bed and reading(fake reading and oh yeah shaking and trembling the whole time, trying to bock out all the screams and when the workers would talk to other patients I can't block any of it out so I hear things that I wish I didn't) most people don't have a clue what it means to live a nightmare but that is all I know. I don't understand why my brain works the way it does but it feels like part of it is missing and I want it all… so I can finally have relief..