My Husband Won't Stop Lying

[Married2aLiaR]

Okay, so bare with me. This is a long one. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. When we married, we were both born again Christian's (I rededicated my life after walking away and he accepted Christ). We abstained from sex and courted for 8 months before our wedding even though we had already been intimate before our new Christian life together. So, long story short, we were married and everything was going smoothly until his "friends" resurfaced. Ever since that moment, he has done nothing but lie to me in order to spend time with them. He has completely walked away from our church family, friends, and our family. They drink (excessively), use all forms of illegal drugs, and I can NEVER reach him via text or phone call when he is with them. He comes home so intoxicated that I have had to sponge bathe the vomit off of him. I have been a good wife (by God's standards) although I recognize my flaws. Recently, he has begun to go to church with me again but has continued his excessive late night Fridays with his buddies. And now, in order to rationalize his habits, he has begun lying to me. He has totally changed. Last week, he told me his Uncle passed away and he spent the night at the hospital with his family. The week before that, he had lost his job. This week, he said that he was going to "sell our generator" and never came home. I need some help with this. In one ear, I have the world telling me that I deserve better. In the other ear, I have God (or what I think is God based on Scripture) telling me to stay because I CAN be the light that brings him back. It's just getting so hard. He has gotten very mean (for lack of a better word), telling me that he is not in love with me, calling me a sponge that is sucking the life out of him, calling me trash, and saying that the only reason he changed while we were courting was to appease me, that this is who he really is. However, the next day, when the drugs and alcohol wear off, everything changes. I didn't bargain for this. I know that God will never give me more than I can handle but what if I am (and always have been) unequally yolked due to his deception? I am married now. What should I do? Am I justified if I choose to leave? Will God forgive me? How do I know that leaving is the right thing? Help me, please!!!!

 

[faroukfarouk]

Okay, so bare with me. This is a long one. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. When we married, we were both born again Christian's (I rededicated my life after walking away and he accepted Christ). We abstained from sex and courted for 8 months before our wedding even though we had already been intimate before our new Christian life together. So, long story short, we were married and everything was going smoothly until his "friends" resurfaced. Ever since that moment, he has done nothing but lie to me in order to spend time with them. He has completely walked away from our church family, friends, and our family. They drink (excessively), use all forms of illegal drugs, and I can NEVER reach him via text or phone call when he is with them. He comes home so intoxicated that I have had to sponge bathe the vomit off of him. I have been a good wife (by God's standards) although I recognize my flaws. Recently, he has begun to go to church with me again but has continued his excessive late night Fridays with his buddies. And now, in order to rationalize his habits, he has begun lying to me. He has totally changed. Last week, he told me his Uncle passed away and he spent the night at the hospital with his family. The week before that, he had lost his job. This week, he said that he was going to "sell our generator" and never came home. I need some help with this. In one ear, I have the world telling me that I deserve better. In the other ear, I have God (or what I think is God based on Scripture) telling me to stay because I CAN be the light that brings him back. It's just getting so hard. He has gotten very mean (for lack of a better word), telling me that he is not in love with me, calling me a sponge that is sucking the life out of him, calling me trash, and saying that the only reason he changed while we were courting was to appease me, that this is who he really is. However, the next day, when the drugs and alcohol wear off, everything changes. I didn't bargain for this. I know that God will never give me more than I can handle but what if I am (and always have been) unequally yolked due to his deception? I am married now. What should I do? Am I justified if I choose to leave? Will God forgive me? How do I know that leaving is the right thing? Help me, please!!!!

This is a very sad story. But you yourself I think identify the grace of God which can uphold you. You also identify dh's lies; but if you left him, how would your promise to him be seen before God? You have my prayers. Don't let secular humanism in the guise of sympathy obscure the essentials of testimony and the power of the grace of God.

 

[Lulav]

Okay, so bare with me. This is a long one. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. When we married, we were both born again Christian's (I rededicated my life after walking away and he accepted Christ). We abstained from sex and courted for 8 months before our wedding even though we had already been intimate before our new Christian life together. So, long story short, we were married and everything was going smoothly until his "friends" resurfaced. Ever since that moment, he has done nothing but lie to me in order to spend time with them. He has completely walked away from our church family, friends, and our family. They drink (excessively), use all forms of illegal drugs, and I can NEVER reach him via text or phone call when he is with them. He comes home so intoxicated that I have had to sponge bathe the vomit off of him. I have been a good wife (by God's standards) although I recognize my flaws. Recently, he has begun to go to church with me again but has continued his excessive late night Fridays with his buddies. And now, in order to rationalize his habits, he has begun lying to me. He has totally changed. Last week, he told me his Uncle passed away and he spent the night at the hospital with his family. The week before that, he had lost his job. This week, he said that he was going to "sell our generator" and never came home. I need some help with this. In one ear, I have the world telling me that I deserve better. In the other ear, I have God (or what I think is God based on Scripture) telling me to stay because I CAN be the light that brings him back. It's just getting so hard. He has gotten very mean (for lack of a better word), telling me that he is not in love with me, calling me a sponge that is sucking the life out of him, calling me trash, and saying that the only reason he changed while we were courting was to appease me, that this is who he really is. However, the next day, when the drugs and alcohol wear off, everything changes. I didn't bargain for this. I know that God will never give me more than I can handle but what if I am (and always have been) unequally yolked due to his deception? I am married now. What should I do? Am I justified if I choose to leave? Will God forgive me? How do I know that leaving is the right thing? Help me, please!!!!

Hello and welcome to CF!

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. Have you spoken to your Pastor about this? I think that would be the first best step to do since he would know you both. What about his family? You said his Uncle passed, wouldn't there have been a funeral where all family gathered? Did you go? Have you talked to his family about this at all?

Your first instinct may have been to clean him up but I would have allowed him to lie in his own filth, it was his doing, not yours, he wasn't ill, just intoxicated, by his choose. Let him see the 'fruits' of his behavior. If he lost his job it was probably because of this behavior. Are you supporting you both now?

Do not let his behavior define who you are. Of course he will call you names and say things so that to himself you look beneath him but understand he is doing it so he doesn't see how bad he is.

You asked if you should leave. I would say yes, temporarily if you can. Do you have a relative you can stay with?
You do not have to stay and support his abuse of both you and himself. Sometimes it takes a life changing event to snap a person out of it, I know this from experience. My first husband was much the same. Drinking after work every day, not coming home until late at night, me trying to be the good wife waited up for him with our 4 year old son to have dinner as a 'family'. I did everything he asked and he still treated me as trash. I later found out that he had extreme low self esteem and that was why. I finally left when his rages made me believe he would hurt our son.

I was gone for 6 months when our house burnt down shortly after he had been called into work. I know this was God hand in it. Me and my son would have been in that house and would most likely one or both have perished because of where it started, right outside my bedroom door. He was called in around midnight and it started about 1am. This was our first house and it devastated him. Now he had lost everything, his wife, son and house. All he had left was his job and car. Shortly after this he returned back to G-d like never before.

Sadly sometimes it takes extremes to bring one back to God but it's about eternity so it is well worth the struggle.

 

[lifesprophet]

Okay, so bare with me. This is a long one. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. When we married, we were both born again Christian's (I rededicated my life after walking away and he accepted Christ). We abstained from sex and courted for 8 months before our wedding even though we had already been intimate before our new Christian life together. So, long story short, we were married and everything was going smoothly until his "friends" resurfaced. Ever since that moment, he has done nothing but lie to me in order to spend time with them. He has completely walked away from our church family, friends, and our family. They drink (excessively), use all forms of illegal drugs, and I can NEVER reach him via text or phone call when he is with them. He comes home so intoxicated that I have had to sponge bathe the vomit off of him. I have been a good wife (by God's standards) although I recognize my flaws. Recently, he has begun to go to church with me again but has continued his excessive late night Fridays with his buddies. And now, in order to rationalize his habits, he has begun lying to me. He has totally changed. Last week, he told me his Uncle passed away and he spent the night at the hospital with his family. The week before that, he had lost his job. This week, he said that he was going to "sell our generator" and never came home. I need some help with this. In one ear, I have the world telling me that I deserve better. In the other ear, I have God (or what I think is God based on Scripture) telling me to stay because I CAN be the light that brings him back. It's just getting so hard. He has gotten very mean (for lack of a better word), telling me that he is not in love with me, calling me a sponge that is sucking the life out of him, calling me trash, and saying that the only reason he changed while we were courting was to appease me, that this is who he really is. However, the next day, when the drugs and alcohol wear off, everything changes. I didn't bargain for this. I know that God will never give me more than I can handle but what if I am (and always have been) unequally yolked due to his deception? I am married now. What should I do? Am I justified if I choose to leave? Will God forgive me? How do I know that leaving is the right thing? Help me, please!!!!

Yes you are, and why?

Because you choose the relationships that you desire.

Is this one you desire?

And don't try and fix him, he needs to learn that, otherwise you'll end up his slave.

 

[pdudgeon]

by his own testimony he has lied to you before marrying, and lied in order to marry.
seek a divorce on those grounds, then seek out a priest of the Catholic church and have the marriage nullified through the church. it will take time, but you have the grounds to do so.

 

[huk945]

My name is Chris and I'm a recovered alcoholic. As soon as you get privileges pm me. This is way beyond the scope of a message board. God Bless

 

[David4223]

MOD HAT ON

This thread is being moved from the Introduce Yourself forum to the Christian Advice forum as it more closely fits in with that forum.

MOD HAT OFF​

 

[Razare]

I know that God will never give me more than I can handle but what if I am (and always have been) unequally yolked due to his deception? I am married now. What should I do? Am I justified if I choose to leave? Will God forgive me? How do I know that leaving is the right thing? Help me, please!!!!

Many other people will focus on 1 verse concerning marriage, and ignore 15 other ones that say other things. Understanding marriage from the Bible, requires knowledge of all verses and their full context, not 1 verse used in opposition of other verses. I will give scriptures for what I say:

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Option 1 (The Law) - Separation then he either repents, OR he commits sexual immorality and you can leave him

To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. - 1 Corinthians 7:10-11

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery. - Matthew 19:9

Now, sexual immorality is a hard one to actually follow as a man, because this would include looking at porn. Any man who views porn, his wife is justified to divorce him according to Jesus Christ:

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. - Matthew 5:28

You are justified to separate from him because he lives like a lost person:

But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. - 1 Corinthians 5:11

No exemption is made for spouses, from that statement. It is love to not enable a brother and sister to continue a bad life-style and support them in that behavior that leads to destruction in their life.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Option 2 (Faith, Hope, and Love) - Don't bother with this unless you can move a mountain with faith.

(Mountains are symbolic types of demonic strongholds, just as the promise land had mountains to conquer with the kingdom of darkness dwelling upon them. In the NT, a mountain in this context refers to mountains the devil holds spiritually that we are to overcome.)

"Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. - Mark 11:23

With this option you would also separate because he is living wrong. Now if you can't or don't want to leave him for practical reasons, you can also follow this option.

This option uses spiritual authority in Christ, to bind the demons operating in his life that pull him away from you in behavior.

This requires Bible study, believing God's word, speaking God's word, and requires relationship with Jesus Christ who will do miracles along the way toward deliverance.

Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won't he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? - Luke 14:31

When you go to spiritual war with words against the kingdom of darkness, you have to stand and overcome. You have to know how to do this. If you never moved a mountain before with faith, this one would be your first then, and you'd have to learn to do it with Christ.

Old Kenneth Hagin videos on youtube are probably the best starting point if you never heard of doing this. Then you would follow it up with some other teachings, like Andrew Wommack http://www.awmi.net/reading/teaching-articles/believers_authority/

The point of Option 2 is to bring God's will to pass as it is in heaven, to bring that will to happen upon Earth just as Christ prayed:

your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. - Matthew 6:10

In heaven there are not broken or deceiving marriages. It's not God's will you have a broken or deceiving marriage. God did not give you this problem... satan gave you the problem. The idea that God will not allow us to be tempted beyond we can bear, does not mean, God sends us a bunch of temptations... the devil sends them:

When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; - James 1:13

When the devil sent these temptations at your spouse, he did not rebuke the devil but yielded to the devil against God's will. Perhaps there are also things you did, to yield to the kingdom of the devil.

You repent of any and all sin in your life, and God washes you clean.

Then you take your authority in Jesus Christ, to rebuke the devil from your husbands life, and you stand.

 

[Goodbook]

You need to physically separate yourself from him, and intercede for him (praying) because satan is attacking his life and ruining your marriage.
Im sorry to hear this. We are not called to bondage.

What this means is if he does come home drunk you dont let him in the bedroom or wash his vomit off him. Another poster mentioned porn but I dont think you mentioned that in your post. If he does look at porn you justified in leaving him or if hes defiling you when drunken.

 

[paul1149]

For absolute starters, don't get pregnant until this is resolved.

And I believe that bit of pithy wisdom can be generalized: if he won't listen to reason, step back and begin to let him make his own choices, and begin to allow him to feel the consequences of those choices. You do not have to carry the load of someone who isn't working with you.

I have seen God work the same way. He steps back and lets us make our own choices, but at the same time He doesn't abandon us. He remains at a distance, interceding for us, waiting to take us back. But He does in such a way that our choices are not impinged upon.

 

[JoeP222w]

Okay, so bare with me. This is a long one. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. When we married, we were both born again Christian's (I rededicated my life after walking away and he accepted Christ). We abstained from sex and courted for 8 months before our wedding even though we had already been intimate before our new Christian life together. So, long story short, we were married and everything was going smoothly until his "friends" resurfaced. Ever since that moment, he has done nothing but lie to me in order to spend time with them. He has completely walked away from our church family, friends, and our family. They drink (excessively), use all forms of illegal drugs, and I can NEVER reach him via text or phone call when he is with them. He comes home so intoxicated that I have had to sponge bathe the vomit off of him. I have been a good wife (by God's standards) although I recognize my flaws. Recently, he has begun to go to church with me again but has continued his excessive late night Fridays with his buddies. And now, in order to rationalize his habits, he has begun lying to me. He has totally changed. Last week, he told me his Uncle passed away and he spent the night at the hospital with his family. The week before that, he had lost his job. This week, he said that he was going to "sell our generator" and never came home. I need some help with this. In one ear, I have the world telling me that I deserve better. In the other ear, I have God (or what I think is God based on Scripture) telling me to stay because I CAN be the light that brings him back. It's just getting so hard. He has gotten very mean (for lack of a better word), telling me that he is not in love with me, calling me a sponge that is sucking the life out of him, calling me trash, and saying that the only reason he changed while we were courting was to appease me, that this is who he really is. However, the next day, when the drugs and alcohol wear off, everything changes. I didn't bargain for this. I know that God will never give me more than I can handle but what if I am (and always have been) unequally yolked due to his deception? I am married now. What should I do? Am I justified if I choose to leave? Will God forgive me? How do I know that leaving is the right thing? Help me, please!!!!

You need to make an appointment with your Pastor and a trusted female member of your church and get Biblical counseling. Strangers on an internet forum are not the best source of advice. You need someone who you can speak to in person.

 

[JoeP222w]

by his own testimony he has lied to you before marrying, and lied in order to marry.
seek a divorce on those grounds, then seek out a priest of the Catholic church and have the marriage nullified through the church. it will take time, but you have the grounds to do so.

She is not Roman Catholic friend. Rome has no authority to nullify a marriage.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Okay, so bare with me. This is a long one. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. When we married, we were both born again Christian's (I rededicated my life after walking away and he accepted Christ). We abstained from sex and courted for 8 months before our wedding even though we had already been intimate before our new Christian life together. So, long story short, we were married and everything was going smoothly until his "friends" resurfaced. Ever since that moment, he has done nothing but lie to me in order to spend time with them. He has completely walked away from our church family, friends, and our family. They drink (excessively), use all forms of illegal drugs, and I can NEVER reach him via text or phone call when he is with them. He comes home so intoxicated that I have had to sponge bathe the vomit off of him. I have been a good wife (by God's standards) although I recognize my flaws. Recently, he has begun to go to church with me again but has continued his excessive late night Fridays with his buddies. And now, in order to rationalize his habits, he has begun lying to me. He has totally changed. Last week, he told me his Uncle passed away and he spent the night at the hospital with his family. The week before that, he had lost his job. This week, he said that he was going to "sell our generator" and never came home. I need some help with this. In one ear, I have the world telling me that I deserve better. In the other ear, I have God (or what I think is God based on Scripture) telling me to stay because I CAN be the light that brings him back. It's just getting so hard. He has gotten very mean (for lack of a better word), telling me that he is not in love with me, calling me a sponge that is sucking the life out of him, calling me trash, and saying that the only reason he changed while we were courting was to appease me, that this is who he really is. However, the next day, when the drugs and alcohol wear off, everything changes. I didn't bargain for this. I know that God will never give me more than I can handle but what if I am (and always have been) unequally yolked due to his deception? I am married now. What should I do? Am I justified if I choose to leave? Will God forgive me? How do I know that leaving is the right thing? Help me, please!!!!

Married2aLiaR: You are being a light to him and he chooses to abuse drugs and alcohol anyway...separate from him just like
the Lord separated himself from his people when they repeatedly return to sinfulness and many remained unrepentant. When those that choose to repent did so, the Lord forgave them and reconciliation took place, all of the nation of Israel didn't repent...you find that in several places in the bible here: Numbers 26:65, Exodus 32:26, 1 Peter 3:20

But before you up and leave, sit down with your husband and talk to him about getting right with God(get saved)... going into rehab and living for the Lord. If he refuses to do that, leave.
Separation isn't to be used as a springboard to immediate divorce, it's giving space to one another to work on your own problems and submitting one's self to God/repenting etc...it's also for establishing a peacefulness in your home, you can't do that if you and your spouse be raking one another over the coals at every turn, or if your spouse is getting wasted, or showing up looking like Frodo when he was frothing at the mouth because of the wound he got from a ringwraith's blade.

 

[seashale76]

So, he's an addict/substance abuser, he lies, he is verbally abusive, he lost his job, he admits to having married you under false pretences, and he routinely leaves you to go out with 'friends'. People tend to shy from ultimatums but, in this case, I'd give him an ultimatum. You can't trust this man. He either agrees to rehab and counseling for his issues, as well as marriage counseling, or you two divorce and go your separate ways. Sure, keep him in your prayers regardless of how your marriage turns out but, I would not put up with this if it were me.

 

[ValleyGal]

Put any assets in your name so he can't up and sell things like the generator to support his habits. Then seek a separation if you can. Addictions are challenging because relapse happens. If you think there is hope, then find a full community of people to support you both together, and who will hold him accountable each and every time. Seek people who will commit to loving him through healing, and helping you to get through it.

If you think there is no or little hope, then it might be time to move on, especially since he admitted to lying to you in order to marry you. But even deceit is not necessarily a reason to divorce (wasn't it Jacob who was deceived into marrying the older sister of the woman he truly loved?). But it is also not really a reason to stay either. So I think this is a decision only you can make. You know you best, and you know your limits and abilities - are you able to live with his issues? If not, you might consider leaving before long. As hard as leaving is, it is easier after only one year than it is after ten years. It is a hard choice... but you are justified in leaving. I would advise you to do a thorough study on divorce and remarriage including the translations of some words because the English versions do not really reflect what the original text intended.

Here is a helpful link
www.divorcehope.com