Masturbation & the Married Man

[Sepigoth]

Hello,

I recently came back to Christ and was reborn if you will. Much of my life was ruled by carnal desires, and I am happy to say that I feel better, and it has been so much easier to resist temptation with God's help.

My question might be a little unique, I have not masturbated since being saved. I am a married man, but my wife's sex drvie and interest is very low.

What I am debating is if masturbation while thinking about my wife and times we have made love in the past would be a sin. This is something I have been praying about.

While I am sure the act itself could be debated for years, I have always been under the mindset that its the fantasies that go on in the mind that are the real culprit of sin. I could and probably am wrong but thought I would just ask.

The thought of being almost celibate is a difficult thing to swallow, but when I think about the suffering Christ went through, its so insignificant. Thanks for your feedback.

 

[tapero]

bump

 

[OD3]

Hello,

I recently came back to Christ and was reborn if you will. Much of my life was ruled by carnal desires, and I am happy to say that I feel better, and it has been so much easier to resist temptation with God's help.

My question might be a little unique, I have not masturbated since being saved. I am a married man, but my wife's sex drvie and interest is very low.

What I am debating is if masturbation while thinking about my wife and times we have made love in the past would be a sin. This is something I have been praying about.

While I am sure the act itself could be debated for years, I have always been under the mindset that its the fantasies that go on in the mind that are the real culprit of sin. I could and probably am wrong but thought I would just ask.

The thought of being almost celibate is a difficult thing to swallow, but when I think about the suffering Christ went through, its so insignificant. Thanks for your feedback.

Maybe you should focus your time on actually "turning your wife on".

If her sex drive is low, its your fault. End of. romance her, cook her dinner, buy her flowers, and spend some quality time together, instead of masturbating.

Is it written somewhere that Christians having sex is a "bad" thing?

 

[Dannager]

If her sex drive is low, its your fault. End of. romance her, cook her dinner, buy her flowers, and spend some quality time together, instead of masturbating.

I wouldn't say it's necessarily his fault that her sex drive is low. If she has difficulty getting turned on by him that's one thing and I would agree with you. But if her desire for sex in general is lacking that's hardly his fault. Sepigoth, have you discussed the problem with her? Have you considered the possibility of seeing a professional (whether for medical or counseling assistance)?

In response to the OP's question, go for it. You are committing no sin by thinking about your wife in one of the ways you should be thinking about her.

 

[OD3]

I wouldn't say it's necessarily his fault that her sex drive is low. If she has difficulty getting turned on by him that's one thing and I would agree with you. But if her desire for sex in general is lacking that's hardly his fault. Sepigoth, have you discussed the problem with her? Have you considered the possibility of seeing a professional (whether for medical or counseling assistance)?

In response to the OP's question, go for it. You are committing no sin by thinking about your wife in one of the ways you should be thinking about her.

If she has difficulty being turned on by him, they shouldnt be married.

 

[vossler]

Hello,

I recently came back to Christ and was reborn if you will. Much of my life was ruled by carnal desires, and I am happy to say that I feel better, and it has been so much easier to resist temptation with God's help.

My question might be a little unique, I have not masturbated since being saved. I am a married man, but my wife's sex drvie and interest is very low.

What I am debating is if masturbation while thinking about my wife and times we have made love in the past would be a sin. This is something I have been praying about.

While I am sure the act itself could be debated for years, I have always been under the mindset that its the fantasies that go on in the mind that are the real culprit of sin. I could and probably am wrong but thought I would just ask.

The thought of being almost celibate is a difficult thing to swallow, but when I think about the suffering Christ went through, its so insignificant. Thanks for your feedback.

First of all welcome to Christian Forums! I always enjoy reading honest personal posts such as this. Thanks for being a breath of fresh air.

Yours is a struggle that I too have had to deal with and still continue to go through. My wife's sex drive isn't nearly as strong as mine either. Here's the thing, this whole area is frought with untold potential danger, be careful. Before going further let me dispel at least one bit of misinformation that continually goes around, there is nothing in the Bible, period, that says masturbation is wrong. However, just like money, which itself isn't bad, can be used in a manner not pleasing to God, obviously so too can masturbation.

The key to everything is your thoughts, if your thoughts stay solely on your wife and don't drift towards other women, then there certainly isn't anything wrong. The second important part is sharing this concern with your wife, tell her how you feel and what you're doing. Involve her in the process and don't withhold anything. You never know, once she knows and is fully aware of your struggle, she may even have a change of desire. It has certainly helped me. Of course prayer is of vital importance in all matters such as these.

I will caution you though to never become so comfortable with the act that your wife's needs, however limited, aren't being fully met. This is where that communication comes in, letting her know not just once but regularly how you are doing. One way to help control yourself is to ask yourself each and every time you touch, is this something I really need to do, if you can honestly and prayerfully say yes, then do so without any regret.

I hope this was of some help!

 

[Dannager]

If she has difficulty being turned on by him, they shouldnt be married.

This may be a problem that has arisen recently. I'll agree with you, though, that they shouldn't have been married if physical intimacy between the two of them was so lacking. Hopefully that was not the case, and this is either something that she feels irrespective of the partner or this is something that has come up after the marriage.

 

[NotHardcore]

Yeah, it isn't necessarily his fault. Heck, it might not eve be anyone's fault; she might have a hormone problem. You should talk to her about her lack of desire and see if you can pinpoint the cause. A doctor or sex therapist/marriage counselor may be able to help if you guys can't figure it out on your own.

I think you should touch. There's no reason for you to have to feel sexually frustrated.

 

[CaliforniaJosiah]

Disclaimer: I'm not married. I'm a virgin in a long-term committed relationship (about two years now) and theres' nothing wrong with my "sex drive" (LOL) or hers...



1. That your wife has a low sex drive may nor may not be anyone's "fault."


2. IF you haven't already,I trust you will...

* Discussed this with each other in a real, open, sensitive, mutually respectful way.
* She's spoken to her physician about this and ruled out any biochemical or medical issues.
* You've both spoken with a marriage counselor about this issue.


3. It is MY view that when we are married, we are one - including physically. The man doesn't "own" his body - she does (and vise versa). Therefore, I have a tad of a moral issue with either one masturbating secretry (even though I understand it happens A LOT - that married men touch nearly as much as their sons do). Some possibilities:
* She might be willing to touch you or in oral sex (that might just warm up the ol' sex life, too - perhaps).
* She might give you permission to touch.
I have a pretty strong hunch few women are 'okay' with their husbands masturbating - but perhaps she'll think of some alternative that does include her? That does seem to be your desire, too.

But what in the world do I know!!!!! See disclaimer.



I sincerely hope all this is resolved for both of you...


- Josiah

 

[CaliforniaJosiah]

Just adding to my post above...


While its PRETTY ______ HARD for this 18 year old guy to image a sexless marriage, far worse could happen. I do NOT agree that divorce should necessarily be considered. The marriage bond happens on MANY levels, sexual is only one. There are MANY guys who live a "sexless" life and they don't grow worts or go insane (um, most of us are single but you get my point). While being sexless is far from ideal, it doesn't necessarily require the relationship to be terminated or even that the relationship is not otherwise a deep and rich blessing. Hey, my Significant Other and I have an AMAZING relationship that is the deepest and most wonderful aspect of my life - and there's no sex (there may be someday, but let's just not go into that, LOL). I hope, that if the REAL and respectful discussions happen, if those meetings with the MD and psychologist work - maybe this aspect of the relationhip will warm up - at least in a way that is mutually okay (finding that "mutually okay" is a big part of the marriage relationship).


Blessings!


- Josiah

 

[GeorgiaGuyinAtlanta]

Maybe you should focus your time on actually "turning your wife on".

If her sex drive is low, its your fault. End of. romance her, cook her dinner, buy her flowers, and spend some quality time together, instead of masturbating.

Is it written somewhere that Christians having sex is a "bad" thing?

If her sex drive is low, it is "his fault"? You can't be serious. While people can be turned on by things one does for another, a sex drive, in most instances, has nothing to do with what someone does for someone else. It is completely hormonal. It has a lot to do with the reason why teenaged boys are so "hormonal", and why after their mid-20s, the idea of sex isn't seen as "desirous" or "thrilling" as it once was. Sure, with most men, his sex drive never really goes away, but it weakens significantly over the years.

Regarding a woman, they're less interested in sex in the first place. A large percentage of women would be okay with never having sex, but do so out of obligation to their husband. This isn't showing that they necessarily have a strong sex drive, though a woman can be turned on with effort. Thus, in a way, your situation can be improved, but it's not your fault that she's less interested in the first place.

 

[billwald]

"I'll agree with you, though, that they shouldn't have been married if physical intimacy between the two of them was so lacking."

How does one explore this before marriage without experimentation?

 

[Chajara]

No, it's probably not your fault. You could romance her and do all that stuff and she /still/ might have a low sex drive. Some people naturally do, others are affected by environment.

For example, a lot of SSRI's (Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors) will inhibit [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] and vastly reduce sex drive. I know first hand because I was on one. Sex became a complete non-issue to me, and it was, well, sort of disturbing. (I finally got off the meds due to it interfering with my sleep patterns, not just due to it messing with my sex drive)

Another thing is hormonal birth control. I've been on it since I was about 15 due to hormone imbalances that made me miserable. The pill tends to decrease sex drive a bit.

There's also menopause to think about (if she's old enough for that to be starting up), and stress is another thing. Depression can do it too.

Talk to your wife and see what's up. Try to use "I" phrases instead of "You" or she might view it as an accusation or an attack. In other words, say something like "I feel sort of left out in the rain here, is there anything I can do to help you get in the mood or is something bothering you?" rather than "You never want to be intimate anymore, what's the problem?"

As for masturbation, if you're thinking of your wife and you're not Catholic then I don't see a problem unless you are forsaking your wife for the sake of masturbation. Don't give up on her yet.

 

[jsimms615]

Hello,

I recently came back to Christ and was reborn if you will. Much of my life was ruled by carnal desires, and I am happy to say that I feel better, and it has been so much easier to resist temptation with God's help.

My question might be a little unique, I have not masturbated since being saved. I am a married man, but my wife's sex drvie and interest is very low.

What I am debating is if masturbation while thinking about my wife and times we have made love in the past would be a sin. This is something I have been praying about.

While I am sure the act itself could be debated for years, I have always been under the mindset that its the fantasies that go on in the mind that are the real culprit of sin. I could and probably am wrong but thought I would just ask.

The thought of being almost celibate is a difficult thing to swallow, but when I think about the suffering Christ went through, its so insignificant. Thanks for your feedback.

Well, I don't know how open you and your wife are to talking about it, but maybe you should talk to her about what would help her to get more interested? Have you tried talking to her about that?
As far as the physical act itself, I don't think it is a sin, not if your thinking about your wife. Just my opinion.
J

 

[Loriann97]

Hello,

I recently came back to Christ and was reborn if you will. Much of my life was ruled by carnal desires, and I am happy to say that I feel better, and it has been so much easier to resist temptation with God's help.

My question might be a little unique, I have not masturbated since being saved. I am a married man, but my wife's sex drvie and interest is very low.

What I am debating is if masturbation while thinking about my wife and times we have made love in the past would be a sin. This is something I have been praying about.

While I am sure the act itself could be debated for years, I have always been under the mindset that its the fantasies that go on in the mind that are the real culprit of sin. I could and probably am wrong but thought I would just ask.

The thought of being almost celibate is a difficult thing to swallow, but when I think about the suffering Christ went through, its so insignificant. Thanks for your feedback.

I think you could be right. I definately think its the fantasies that one might have is what makes the act of masterbating a sin.

Your question is a very good and honest one, but I'm not sure what the best answer is, but it can only help to pray about it.

 

[Loriann97]

Maybe you should focus your time on actually "turning your wife on".

If her sex drive is low, its your fault. End of. romance her, cook her dinner, buy her flowers, and spend some quality time together, instead of masturbating.

Is it written somewhere that Christians having sex is a "bad" thing?

That's not necessarily true. Woman have low sex drives for many many reason, and a lot of them don't have anything to do with their mate.

 

[Loriann97]

If she has difficulty being turned on by him, they shouldnt be married.

If that were true the divorce rate would be even higher. Many people get married and have a great sex life, and then things happen, sicknesses, depression, among many other things, and its just not that easy to always be in the mood.

 

[Ave Maria]

Masturbation is always wrong regardless of whether you're married or not.

 

[Dannager]

"I'll agree with you, though, that they shouldn't have been married if physical intimacy between the two of them was so lacking."

How does one explore this before marriage without experimentation?

Experimentation would be the way to go, billwald.

 

[OD3]

I think its VITAL that a man and a woman find each other sexually irresistable if they want to get married.

There is no ways, I would marry someone if i didnt think they were incredibly attractive (both physically and mentally). If there isnt that strong sexual attraction, then its gonna cause problems later on.

Sex is really really important in a relationship. If you dont have that, you better be damn funny instead.