Marrying someone you are not attracted to at all

[defeatedchristian]

Is it a good idea or a bad idea to marry someone you have zero attraction toward? I hear a lot of Christians talk about how it is unimportant to be attracted to your spouse, so let's hear it.

How do you stay married to someone you have no sexual interest in and not fall into any type of sexual sin? I'd love to hear from those who deal with this sort of thing, especially men. How do you guys deal with not being attracted to your wife? How does it strain your sex life? How did you manage, if at all, to overcome this hurdle in your marriage?

I think about my life and think I'd rather be alone than with someone I find repulsive physically or sexually. Yet I hear so many believers preach that this is the way I should go. I am tempted enough as is, without adding in a sexless, passionless marriage. But what do I know?

So let's hear it.

 

[iambren]

You are asking for trouble. Sex is like glue in that it doesn't take but a little to maintain a strong bond. I think in time the lack of sexuality is felt by one or both parties which makes them vulnerable to outside interests.

So it IS important, God did not design us to live in love without sex. That is called friendship; like David and Jonathan.

 

[defeatedchristian]

You are asking for trouble. Sex is like glue in that it doesn't take but a little to maintain a strong bond. I think in time the lack of sexuality is felt by one or both parties which makes them vulnerable to outside interests.

So it IS important, God did not design us to live in love without sex. That is called friendship; like David and Jonathan.

That is exactly what I think.

Yet, so many Christians teach that it doesn't matter and to just marry anyone, as long as they're a True Christian, and maybe if you're compatible or something. You're right, that's exactly what it is - friendship!

 

[CounselorForChrist]

What IAmBren said. I realize there are people that don't care about sex, but if sex wasn't needed in marriage God wouldn't have made it so important to bond IN marriage. I know me and my wife were attracted to each other. BUt after our honeymoon night...wow we became more deeply connected on levels I can't put into words.

 

[Luther073082]

That is exactly what I think.

Yet, so many Christians teach that it doesn't matter and to just marry anyone, as long as they're a True Christian, and maybe if you're compatible or something. You're right, that's exactly what it is - friendship!

Read the bible and trust what scripture has to say about marriage. It doesn't directly say "You should marry someone you are attracted to" but given that it teaches that one of the purposes of marriage is having a safe, committed relationship in which sex may be used in a positive and safe way then one would presume that attraction would be fairly important.

Honestly 90% of Christian sex and marriage books make me sick, because all they do is make crap up that has nothing to do with scripture and put it in there.

Where do you think the idea of "courting" and "no kissing til marriage" took root?

Christians these days love listening to purity pharisees.

 

[ValleyGal]

In the other thread, you said you are "below average" (your words). You also said you find "average" women attractive, and you will not "settle" (again, your words).

Reverse the role for a second. Let's say you meet someone who is about equal to you in the looks department. Let's say she only finds men who are "average" attractive, so she will not give you the time of day.

In the other threads, you do say this happens from the women you find attractive - that they won't even get to know you because of your appearance. But now let's say the same attitude comes from someone "below average." She completely dismisses you because she does not like the shape of your nose (or whatever).

Now let's put the two together. You won't give "below average" women the time of day because you are not attracted to them. But if you are "below average", you are expecting average women to give you the time of day. You expect more from average women than you expect from yourself as a less than average man.

How is that fair or reasonable? Women are stimulated by vision, too, so is it reasonable to expect an average woman to be attracted to someone who is "below average"?

My husband and I are both average. But we have eyes for no one else because we are the most beautiful to each other. I know him intimately, and his character and personality (humble, kind, gentle, meek, loving) MAKE him better looking to me than all the hunks of their day (Sean Connery, Clarke Gable, Mel Gibson, Sly Stallone, etc) combined.

I am not saying that you need to marry someone you find unattractive. I have never said that, and never will (and no one else on either of those other threads has said that either). I am saying to get to know women of all appearance types, and you might surprise yourself by finding someone on your level of attractiveness ("below average") becoming more beautiful to you as you get to know her.

Keep in mind that your mindset is most important in order for her to also want to give you the time of day so you might become attractive to her as well. Be the kind of person you want to attract.

 

[Inkachu]

This thread is so obviously a rant instead of a genuine question.

But... in the spirit of responding...

Christians do not say it's unimportant to be attracted to your spouse (or if they do, they are a minority). What they're probably saying is that physical attraction should not be #1 on your list of attributes to look for in a potential mate, whose appearance will undoubtedly go through a myriad of changes over a period of 30, 40, or 50 years (and so will yours).

Christians do not preach that you should marry someone you find "repulsive". That is ridiculous and untrue, and you know it.

You're taking a very wise line of thinking (don't be preoccupied with appearances/don't make attraction your #1 priority) and taking it to the most outlandish extreme possible to try and justify your own bitterness.

FTR I'm no beauty queen and my husband is no GQ model, but we both think the other person is the most gorgeous thing in the universe, and I wouldn't want any other man in creation, ever. Is it because we're both so physically stunning that the paparazzi would go blind from our combined sexy factor? Umm, no. It's because we both saw a total package (average-at-best looks, but stellar minds, huge hearts, genuine faith, and wickedly awesome personalities) and we saw the beauty of the PERSON. If you'd shown me a photo of my husband before I met him, I'd probably shrug and say "Yeah, he's OK, not bad". If you showed me a picture of him now, my heart would palpitate and my pupils would dilate and I'd be all "Ohhhh yes, I love that maaaaan" and you might have to throw me in a cold shower.

So not based on looks.

 

[defeatedchristian]

Actually, many Christians DO preach that message. This is not a rant, but an honest question.

Most marrieds will tell you that attitude is bogus and will only cause problems. I'm very curious to see how I can avoid sexual sin and temptation when I'm with somebody I can't stand and don't have any desire to sleep with. Sure, it prevents all the pre-marital sin, but what about AFTER marriage??? What then?

I like what bren said about sex being a sacrament, in another thread. That's more or less how I see it.

 

[defeatedchristian]

In the other thread, you said you are "below average" (your words). You also said you find "average" women attractive, and you will not "settle" (again, your words).

Reverse the role for a second. Let's say you meet someone who is about equal to you in the looks department. Let's say she only finds men who are "average" attractive, so she will not give you the time of day.

In the other threads, you do say this happens from the women you find attractive - that they won't even get to know you because of your appearance. But now let's say the same attitude comes from someone "below average." She completely dismisses you because she does not like the shape of your nose (or whatever).

Now let's put the two together. You won't give "below average" women the time of day because you are not attracted to them. But if you are "below average", you are expecting average women to give you the time of day. You expect more from average women than you expect from yourself as a less than average man.

How is that fair or reasonable? Women are stimulated by vision, too, so is it reasonable to expect an average woman to be attracted to someone who is "below average"?

My husband and I are both average. But we have eyes for no one else because we are the most beautiful to each other. I know him intimately, and his character and personality (humble, kind, gentle, meek, loving) MAKE him better looking to me than all the hunks of their day (Sean Connery, Clarke Gable, Mel Gibson, Sly Stallone, etc) combined.

I am not saying that you need to marry someone you find unattractive. I have never said that, and never will (and no one else on either of those other threads has said that either). I am saying to get to know women of all appearance types, and you might surprise yourself by finding someone on your level of attractiveness ("below average") becoming more beautiful to you as you get to know her.

Keep in mind that your mindset is most important in order for her to also want to give you the time of day so you might become attractive to her as well. Be the kind of person you want to attract.

Well, most men usually do get somebody more attractive, but as you know, even if I did, I'd still feel short-changed because I would want the spouse to be attracted to me as well, which makes sense.

It's not really reasonable at all. I know that. I sort of agree with you on that.

What can I say...? I have a very different internal representation of myself than that of my external reality. I have a lot of confidence and think highly of myself. Perhaps that is only hurting me, probably is. I was raised this way, so it's hard to break after 30-some-odd years. No excuses, but it's just the truth of how I am.

It might not be bad to change, but knowing my personality, I'd say the chances of that ever happening is slim to none. Hence my talk with the Lord the other day. I'll let God decide what's best here and let Him choose to keep me alone or see what else He does.

With me, and most men, if you're not attracted to someone, you never will be. Maybe as a woman, you can't understand that, but I can. Either I like you, or I don't. Either you're a male or a female, you can't be both. So it is with attraction, either I am attracted to you, or I am not. There is no middle ground. Either you're in the pool or you're not. You get my metaphors. I've never met anybody I'm not sure if I like or not. If I have to think, I probably don't. Attraction is a 2 second process, either you like them or you don't.

Marrying someone I dislike and have a great FRIENDSHIP with sounds like marrying my best friend... who is a guy. Why don't I just marry him? We get along well and I'd never touch him either, so we would be pure that way. You can say, that's foolishness! But is it? What is the difference between a good male friend I have no sexual interest in and a good female friend I also have no sexual interest in? I see none. Ask other men, they'll most likely tell you the same thing.

Again, I realize it's a double standard. Society has never been fair, and until the rise of feminism, double standards were common place for the sexes. Now, women can go out and get the best looking man possible, even though for thousands of years things did not work that way. Times have changed and society has, but what men find attractive, unfortunately, has not.

I find opposites tend to attract. I am looking for feminine qualities in a mate, qualities I DON'T have, not qualities I do. Most successful, happy marriages have some degree of differences, while sharing similar ideals.

 

[ValleyGal]

It might be a good idea to do a little study and see what constitutes a "sacrament." It's about conferring God's sanctifying grace. Sex does not confer God's sanctifying grace.

However, sex can, and should, be sacred.

How can you prevent sexual sin before marriage? Exercise self control. Put your girlfriend's holiness above your own momentary gratification. Make her spirituality more important to you than meeting your fleshly desires. Walk in step with the Spirit. Not saying it will be easy, but it is a matter of priority.

 

[ValleyGal]

Attraction is a 2 second process, either you like them or you don't.

While it is true that it takes only a few seconds to make initial assessments and judgements, they are not necessarily accurate. Never judge a book by its cover. Attraction is a process, starting with first impressions. I'm thinking back to my introductory courses on social psychology. First impressions are hard to change, but they do change if you have an open mind.

Another part of social psychology is the idea that opposites attract. The Christian view is to marry someone of equal yoke. The yoke is not just about basic fundamental Christian beliefs, either. It's about being similar - values, priorities, mindset, etc. The process of becoming one is much easier when you have a starting point that is "alike." The secular research says that while opposites attract at first, it does not make for a lasting and satisfying marriage. There is a saying that applies better: birds of a feather flock together. The research says there are categories for similarities which contribute to marital satisfaction. It's not about what music we like, but rather socioeconomic status, similar physical appearance, childhood experience, parenting styles of families of origin, education level, and character attributes. The best research in marital studies is done by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver. They basically say your spouse SHOULD be your best friend. IOW, you have a guy best friend right now, but when you meet a woman, she will move into that place. Believe me, there is no better sexual experience than having it with someone you know, trust, believe in, and absolutely adore - your best friend! I am glad my husband is my best friend, and I am his. A good female friend makes the best lover.

 

[defeatedchristian]

While it is true that it takes only a few seconds to make initial assessments and judgements, they are not necessarily accurate. Never judge a book by its cover. Attraction is a process, starting with first impressions. I'm thinking back to my introductory courses on social psychology. First impressions are hard to change, but they do change if you have an open mind.

Another part of social psychology is the idea that opposites attract. The Christian view is to marry someone of equal yoke. The yoke is not just about basic fundamental Christian beliefs, either. It's about being similar - values, priorities, mindset, etc. The process of becoming one is much easier when you have a starting point that is "alike." The secular research says that while opposites attract at first, it does not make for a lasting and satisfying marriage. There is a saying that applies better: birds of a feather flock together. The research says there are categories for similarities which contribute to marital satisfaction. It's not about what music we like, but rather socioeconomic status, similar physical appearance, childhood experience, parenting styles of families of origin, education level, and character attributes. The best research in marital studies is done by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver. They basically say your spouse SHOULD be your best friend. IOW, you have a guy best friend right now, but when you meet a woman, she will move into that place. Believe me, there is no better sexual experience than having it with someone you know, trust, believe in, and absolutely adore - your best friend! I am glad my husband is my best friend, and I am his. A good female friend makes the best lover.

Then I should marry my best friend. He's a guy. We get along great, and we think almost exactly alike. He is a Christian and says that if I were a girl, he'd date me. He has no sexual interest in me, as I don't in him or any other man, but we could give it a shot. We get tax benefits and it is legal here.

If women only cared about marrying their friends, they'd never marry a man. Men and women are vastly different, almost too much so, to ever think alike. Gay men tend to think more like women than straight men. But women don't want to marry gay men.

 

[Hetta]

Is it a good idea or a bad idea to marry someone you have zero attraction toward? I hear a lot of Christians talk about how it is unimportant to be attracted to your spouse, so let's hear it.

How do you stay married to someone you have no sexual interest in and not fall into any type of sexual sin? I'd love to hear from those who deal with this sort of thing, especially men. How do you guys deal with not being attracted to your wife? How does it strain your sex life? How did you manage, if at all, to overcome this hurdle in your marriage?

I think about my life and think I'd rather be alone than with someone I find repulsive physically or sexually. Yet I hear so many believers preach that this is the way I should go. I am tempted enough as is, without adding in a sexless, passionless marriage. But what do I know?

So let's hear it.

Why would anyone marry a person they are not attracted to? I don't know what kind of Christians are espousing this, but there is nothing biblical about marrying a person you are not attracted to.

 

[defeatedchristian]

Why would anyone marry a person they are not attracted to? I don't know what kind of Christians are espousing this, but there is nothing biblical about marrying a person you are not attracted to.

No, it's not biblical. Just as someone else said, neither is the "no kissing or hand holding" nonsense that goes on in most churches these days. I belonged once to a church that preached all of the above. Never again.

The Biblical argument would be God created men and women and made women to be visually appealing. This was by design. So we can infer that it is God's will that a man find his wife physically attractive (Proverbs 5 talks about this in greater detail). And with today's sexually immoral culture and porn everywhere, I cannot possibility see how I, or any other straight, healthy male, could be somehow safe from its ravages when I am locked into a lifeless, dead, sexless marriage with my best of chums. I would almost invariably end up in sin.

 

[amoen]

This guy is a troll. Don't waste your time.

 

[defeatedchristian]

This guy is a troll. Don't waste your time.

Pardon me? You are rude and that was uncalled for.

Clearly someone isn't following Jesus and it's not me.

 

[ValleyGal]

Then I should marry my best friend. He's a guy. We get along great, and we think almost exactly alike. He is a Christian and says that if I were a girl, he'd date me. He has no sexual interest in me, as I don't in him or any other man, but we could give it a shot. We get tax benefits and it is legal here.

If women only cared about marrying their friends, they'd never marry a man. Men and women are vastly different, almost too much so, to ever think alike. Gay men tend to think more like women than straight men. But women don't want to marry gay men.

I am starting to wonder where you got your teaching about the human condition and relationships. You might want to read books and chat with people about the nature of relationships before you try to pursue one. Find out what they are really all about.....your beliefs about them are really uninformed.

And when I say read, I don't mean read like you are reading my posts (twisting what I say with your own mindset to come up with ideas that are sooooo not true).

Every single woman that I know who is in a happy marriage, considers her husband her best friend and lover. If you study the different levels of intimacy, you start out at a very shallow level, but the closer you are to both men and women, the deeper you share. Physical intimacy happens even between men - patting on the back, hugging, two-handed handshake, etc. As a relationship with a woman progresses to deeper intimacy, it should culminate on the wedding night with sexual intimacy - the ONE intimacy off limits to anyone else. But that means your wife should be your best friend, the one closest to you, the one you enjoy being with the most, the one you like doing things with, or not doing anything at all with. She will be your confidante, and everything else that your best friend is....and then she will be your lover.

But it starts with you. Spend some time learning how to simply be friends with women without expecting or even wanting to find a wife. Things will happen in their own time, but doing this will let God work.

 

[defeatedchristian]

I am starting to wonder where you got your teaching about the human condition and relationships. You might want to read books and chat with people about the nature of relationships before you try to pursue one. Find out what they are really all about.....your beliefs about them are really uninformed.

And when I say read, I don't mean read like you are reading my posts (twisting what I say with your own mindset to come up with ideas that are sooooo not true).

Every single woman that I know who is in a happy marriage, considers her husband her best friend and lover. If you study the different levels of intimacy, you start out at a very shallow level, but the closer you are to both men and women, the deeper you share. Physical intimacy happens even between men - patting on the back, hugging, two-handed handshake, etc. As a relationship with a woman progresses to deeper intimacy, it should culminate on the wedding night with sexual intimacy - the ONE intimacy off limits to anyone else. But that means your wife should be your best friend, the one closest to you, the one you enjoy being with the most, the one you like doing things with, or not doing anything at all with. She will be your confidante, and everything else that your best friend is....and then she will be your lover.

But it starts with you. Spend some time learning how to simply be friends with women without expecting or even wanting to find a wife. Things will happen in their own time, but doing this will let God work.

A friend is not a lover. I don't have any desire to sleep with my friends. I have had female friends. In most cases, I had zero interest in them but as friends. It only ended in heartache for them.

Most, if not all, men do not view relationships from your perspective. That's to be expected, they are men, you are a woman. Women prize different things in relationships. I'd expect you to know that.

I know all about being friends with women. They wanted me. I, in almost every case, had no interest in them and nothing came from it. The end.

To me, and most guys, if you're not sexually attracted to somebody, no amount of being buddies is going to change that. If she wants to be my buddy, that's cool. I am busy, but we can hang out. But that's as far as it will ever go, most likely. I don't wake up one day then find I'm suddenly attracted to a woman when I never was previously.

I also find it odd how you seem to be backpedaling a bit. First you seemed to indicate it was not "God's will" for me to be with anyone I liked then, you said, no, no, that's not it. Then you went back to your original position of saying that being friends should be my focus and looks should not matter. Which is it?

I already know the standard Christian position is that you date someone out of friendship, not passion or attraction. Why don't we just concede that and move on?

 

[LinkH]

Is it a good idea or a bad idea to marry someone you have zero attraction toward? I hear a lot of Christians talk about how it is unimportant to be attracted to your spouse, so let's hear it.

There is that one verse that says that beauty is fleeting and charm is deceptive, but a woman who fears the Lord, who can find? That's about all I can think of in the Bible that downplays the importance of beauty. There are other verses that seem to indicate it is important. I think the word for noble in Proverbs 31 is yapheh (sp?) which is also translated beautiful. Of course, the word may not apply only to physical appearance, which is something to keep in mind when we read other verses about beauty.

That being said, there are some passages that do seem to place some value on a spouse being beautiful. Rebecca was beautiful, but also a hard worker. The servant took her home to Isaac to be his wife.

There is the verse about marrying a captive slave after battle. If a man found one of the captives beautiful, he could marry her. That seems to imply that there is some role in physical attraction in marriage.

Then there is the Song of Solomon.

I think we need a balanced view. Physical beauty is not the only thing and it's not the most important thing when choosing a wife. It's much better to find a woman who fears the Lord than a real looker who doesn't. What good is it to get married to a woman who looks good if she ends up cheating on you and then divorcing you? What good is it to be married to a beautiful woman who won't sleep with you, who's lazy, and tries to use you. Physical beauty isn't enough.

Everyone's taste is different and beauty is subjective. And a lot of people are attracted to different types of personalities, spunky, demure, or whatever. And that goes into 'attraction' as well. I remember in high school there were some cheerleaders who looked really good, IMO, who were popular, but others who I thought looked like of plain as far as looks went, IMO, who seemed to be popular and well liked by the guys, but they had outgoing or charming personalities. It could have just been my personal tastes in looks was different from the guys who liked those girls. It's subjective.

How do you stay married to someone you have no sexual interest in and not fall into any type of sexual sin? I'd love to hear from those who deal with this sort of thing, especially men. How do you guys deal with not being attracted to your wife? How does it strain your sex life? How did you manage, if at all, to overcome this hurdle in your marriage?

I can't help you much from personal experience, because the Lord blessed me with a very good-looking woman who fears the Lord. I suppose men in that situation can make good use of the light switch.

Honestly, though, looks aren't as important after you get to know each other for a while. A man I got to know in Korea who was married told me that back when I was single, and he's right. He said after you are married, character becomes a more important issue.

I remember as a teen or a man in my early 20's, seeing older couples together. It's sweet and all that, but the idea of kissing or being intimate with a stout middle aged woman or an old wrinkly woman wasn't appealing to me, even though that's what you are getting into when you marry, way down the road. But when you aren't thinking a of a specific person you love, then yes, that's kind of gross for a young person to think about. But if you marry someone you love and that love grows over years, you love that person when they get old, have operations, have babies if it's a woman, put on weight, get wrinkly, and experience all kinds of physically unappealing stuff. If your appreciation of them is only as surface level as the attraction you feel when you ask a girl out for a first date, it wouldn't be deep enough.

My point is everyone gets old and less physically attractive over time. If you love your wife, she can be beautiful to you when she's old and wrinkly. But if I were young and single, I'd want at least some level of physical attraction, based on whatever I found attractive to me personal. You don't want that to be your only priority or your highest priority, but I think it should be something you consider.

 

[LinkH]

I already know the standard Christian position is that you date someone out of friendship, not passion or attraction. Why don't we just concede that and move on?

I don't think I've ever heard that idea at church. I remember one youtube video of a sermon on 'beauty is fleeting' addressed to single men. It was a good message, but he didn't say 'if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife' or anything like that.